It wasn't a great conversation at all. She was extremely cold. Probably the coldest she has been. I really cannot understand it. I tried to establish a boundary but it was more pleading on my part. I asked her why she didn't speak to me at the AP or even look at me. She sort of laughed and said I avoided her. I said it was because I was nervous with her Mom there after the email she sent saying that I was "butting in". Not a good call, not a good night. I just feel like she hates me and I don't deserve it.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Well I had another DB misstep tonight... OK, two. W seemed pretty mad at me I didn't say anything to her at the AP among other things. I sent her a text saying I wanted nothing more than to give her a big hug when I saw her. Tonight I picked up our 3 G's from a friends house to take them for ice cream. W was there. When she left I opened her car door and gave her a big hug. I couldn't help it. She seemed a little surprised but hugged back, maybe to avoid an uncomfortable situation for the kids I don't know. It felt really good. Damn I miss her.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Actually duke, for a first attempt at setting boundaries, you did well. Don't knock yourself down on it.
Take the compliment, my own first attempts were dire. We are talking here about your boundary setting. Of course WW didn't react well that's not the point.
Duke say to yourself "yes V I am pleased that you thought my efforts worthwhile. I am going to do better each time, it's a first step for me"
Won't do the kids any harm to see you friendly in public, no private hugs though. You know it's chasing.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I hear ya V. I just can't help it. I know I have to try and I will but anytime I am near her I just feel like grabbing her and holding her, telling her she is beautiful and that I love her. All bad DB'ing I know. DB'ing just doesn't feel natural sometimes.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
You guys are pretty tough on the BD slip ups... understandable. Its just so hard to break old habits. I am getting better. I asked to take the girls away for 2 days and am getting pushback. She is trying to tell me its the girls decision but they sounded very excited about it when I first brought it up to them. Now they are saying just one night is enough. This was the same trip we used to do as a family and they loved every minute. Something does not seem right here.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
I hear ya V. I just can't help it. I know I have to try and I will but anytime I am near her I just feel like grabbing her and holding her, telling her she is beautiful and that I love her. All bad DB'ing I know. DB'ing just doesn't feel natural sometimes.
DBing is counterintuitive.
As for how you want to grab her, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is............. Listen, have you ever known anyone that just nearly turned your stomach? Some person who was loathsome? Anyone who you detested and didn't even want them sharing the same air with you? Try to get that image in your head. That is how a WW usually feels about the LBH. Now, imagine him jumping around her, trying to get a little squeeze and telling her how lovely she is.
Please don't send her anymore messages about how much you want to hug her (or anything else). You are shooting yourself in the foot. Don't act on your feelings and think she's going to respond in a way you want. The WW does not respond positively to a H who tolerates her terrible behavior, and then wants to shower her with affection and praise.
This is not the girl you married.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
