Still Struggling with a plan!

[hopeOK]

hopeOK -

If I told you he flirted with a few women but nothing further- would that be OK?
If I told you he kissed a few women but nothing further - would that be OK?
If I told you he slept with one woman - would that be OK?
If I told you he slept with several women - would that be OK?

I guess, my point is - is there something that he could have done in that time that would change how you act now? Or is it just a need to feel in control of the situation?

Hmmmm... change how I act.... well to the first one no, I expect that happened. All the rest would require some discussion, I think. Sex a bit more discussion than the kissing. Why he thought that was ok. But would I leave? No, not if he is not going to do that again and sets boundaries to prevent that from happening in the future.

I know I struggle a lot with trying to feel some control over all this & I realize logically that it is impossible as far as what he does goes. So my motives on all the knowledge are a bit blurry for me.

[hopeOK]

Last night I was feeling a bit down. Nothing H did... he has continued to be very sweet, thoughtful, affectionate, & caring. He is really making an effort to get in quality time with me. Yesterday he was on the sofa & said, "Maybe you'll come in here to sit by me when you are done." then he asked if I wanted to watch some of the tv show we've been watching together. This is a big deal because when we were working on the marriage in counseling, one of the last things we were working on that I communicated was still a big deal to me and not being met is quality time together. So now he seems to be making a bigger effort than when we were in counseling.

This morning when he left he said he was looking forward to 3p & I asked him why & he said he was looking forward to seeing us. (Although I am thinking I am not too excited about that b/c I am then going to my OBGYN apt for my yearly & for STD testing. )

Later this morning he texted to see if my head was feeling better (I had a headache this morning... I think I was clenching my jaw last night, I must be pretty anxious about my apt this afternoon, I'm thinking.)

So ... he is doing all that he should be doing, I think. But last night I had trouble going to sleep & just was so uptight. Partly probably due to my upcoming apt & having to ask for STD testing. So shameful. And I hate that he has put me in this situation. But also my stress is related to needing to find out if he is still having conversations w/ the OW...

So last night while I was up I thought... instead of planning out this whole long conversation & having a good reason for asking about OW all lined out to H... why don't I just come out & ask? "Can I ask you a question? Are you still talking to OW outside of work?" Then be done with it! Then the boundary talk can come later but at least I'll have that out & find out what I've been wanting to know.

My IC says to ask when I have worked on myself enough to be able to deal with that conversation. I think that means that when I can control myself and not unload on him. I think I can do that now. If he says he is still talking to her, I think I will choose to not say anything at that moment & rethink my whole plan of action b/c things are not going as well as I had thought. If he says no, then I would want to know when/how he ended that friendship (after starting it back up when we fell out). Is that an ok thing to want to know?

Good idea to just ask or no??

[Vapo]

What's the point? If he is, he could just lie to you...

I think you let it be and watch his actions, and when the time is right I would ask him about openness in the relationship and ask him if he minded showing you his phone.

And besides the point, the phone itself is a huge tell. Is he taking his phone everywhere, is the phone locked? Does he ever leave the phone out of his sight?

You will know if something is up, for now just STFU and go with the program.

If you start with the jealousy thing, you know what will hit the fan...

[hopeOK]

No- I have access to his phone. He leaves it around & I know the code. I have checked it here & there & have found nothing. But he could still be using some other email, gotten really good at deleting messages, or talking to her only on his work phone or work computer.

Yes, he could just lie.

[Vapo]

Yeah, so STFU, and live a little. Face it, there is nothing you can do to stop him if he puts his mind to it. And you cannot hover 24/7 over him. And even if you could, what kind of life would that be?

[hopeOK]

Yeah, I agree... I do not want to waste my time that way either. I have to begin to trust and wait until he proves to be untrustworthy. But as we are working on our relationship, I think certain discussions will have to happen such as the boundary one. And in that boundary discussion I suppose it would need to come out if he is continuing to maintain a "friendship" w/ the OW. So I'm back to square one of not just coming out & asking but letting a boundary discussion lead us there. But still not sure when that will happen. We are both avoid-avoid... him more so... so I do not see him striking up a relationship conversation, especially when he is getting all his needs met. It is me that has the need for safety and security that is not getting met.

[hopeOK]

Today I had a phone conversation w/ Dr. Harley (of the His Needs, Her Needs fame). I was hoping to get some help with dealing with the daily insecurities of what my h is doing & the triggers that come up for me & cause some anxiety.

Instead I got more anxiety piled up on top of the low level anxiety I feel when h is at work. Basically he said that the OW is like a drug. He is seeing her at work so he is bound to go back to her. Also that she should be exposed to her husband. I knew he felt this way & was kind of expecting that. I do not plan to do any exposure at this point (6 months after the affair ended) but if it ever happened again I would definitely be likely to do it.

But h getting another job is out of the question right now b/c of a number of circumstances. I keep sending OW vibes to quit & go somewhere else but that doesn't seem to be working.

So now I'm feeling horrible and a panicked... like I am destined to repeat all this again b/c he works w/ the OW. And I still haven't brought myself to bring up boundaries & to ask if he is still talking w/ her outside of work.

I just don't know what to do. My first instinct is to talk to h tonight about not feeling safe, boundaries, & ask if he is still talking to her. But then I think my anxiety I am feeling is bound to come out & I'll really blow the conversation.

So thinking I need to try & sit on this. But how to be "ok" & not feel so hopeless, I do not know. Wishing I'd never emailed him.

[Vapo]

Look, you know what stinks even more if you mix it? Yeah you do, so don't!!!

The OW is his problem and do not go on making it your own. If he's hellbent on contacting her, he WILL FIND a way, frankly speaking, he might be romancing her in the copy room as we speak, and you cannot do anything.

So for PEte's sake, give it a rest. Slap a boundary on his behaviour if it affects you, otherwise do not.

So take your eyes off him and go on with your life, let him decide if he want's to join you...

[hopeOK]

Yeah, sleepless night last night. Haven't had one of those for a few weeks. Really having a hard time shaking this one. H was very attentive and said "I love you" many times last night (as I got in & out of the bed trying to take something that would help me sleep) & was affectionate. The things that normally help reassure me. But it didn't work last night. I vaccinated between thoughts of him already involved with her & thoughts of when he will become involved with her again. And thoughts of - how am I going to live like this w/ this fear periodically rearing it's ugly head? Do I want to live like this?

I know I have a choice in what I focus on and most of the time I am pretty in control of all that. I've been doing really good with letting these types of thoughts leave pretty soon after they enter. But this talk w/ Dr. Harley has really done me in though. Hearing a professional who is a subject matter expert (although I do realize some of his ideas are a bit radical) tell me that h is very susceptible to have another affair has me pretty convinced of that truth.

Look, you know what stinks even more if you mix it? Yeah you do, so don't!!!

The OW is his problem and do not go on making it your own. If he's hellbent on contacting her, he WILL FIND a way, frankly speaking, he might be romancing her in the copy room as we speak, and you cannot do anything.

So for PEte's sake, give it a rest. Slap a boundary on his behaviour if it affects you, otherwise do not.

So take your eyes off him and go on with your life, let him decide if he want's to join you...

But if we are supposedly working on our marriage, he has chosen to join me. He hasn't given me any indication that he is doing something he shouldn't. But I just feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[Azzork]

It's hard HopeOK. How about this....what things would you expect of him if you were in a trusting relationship? Make a list. Say 7 things that you would expect.

Then see which he is doing and which he is not.

Then consider how to approach the gaps.