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ATPeace Offline OP
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Hi Vanilla

I remember you saying to me to use the Words I choose to

I choose to no longer sit on the sofa just hoping to watch box sets
I choose to no longer expect my wife to be around
I choose to accept that my wife has made her own choice to stop spending quality time with me and accept that this is something I have no control over


V does this sound better

Also I want to write out a list of reasons to go on .....reasons why the is not going to take me down. Perhaps write out some goals

I will re look at Azz thread on goals

Thanks

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Oct 2014
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Originally Posted By: Ghost56
Hi Vanilla

I remember you saying to me to use the Words I choose to

I choose to be active every day rather than no longer sitsitting on the sofa just hoping to watch box sets I will have a list and a diary of my choices so I am prepared in advance

I choose to no longer expect my wife to be around living her life

I choose to accept that my wife has made her own choice to stop spending quality time with me and accept that this is something I have no control over


V does this sound better

Much, much, use the positive voice, the mind has trouble with the word 'not' and 'Dont' as in 'don't break that vase' or 'it's not fair' much better to say 'be careful with the vase' and 'split the chocolates evenly'. I discovered this when learning about double negatives, my very favourite thing at one time.

Also I want to write out a list of reasons to go on .....reasons why the is not going to take me down. Perhaps write out some goals

How about "I will thrive because........
or "I have accepted......." Or "today, I have ......" Instead of "won't get me down"


I will re look at Azz thread on goals

Thanks

Ghost


Much better Ghost, I have adjusted the first two for you.

An example of some of my goals-

"I am working on building my business and I focus on resolving old outstanding client problems. My intray will have no correspondence older than one week in it, and all HMRC letters will be answered within 21 days. Payroll will be run every month by the 24 of the month."

"I am pleased that my divorce papers are finalised and with the court by 30 September 2015 and I shall begin 2016 ready to be free and single"

"I am eating high quality nutritious food, and I am losing 1lb of fat every week. 60% of my food is uncooked or lightly cooked vegetables and fruit." " I am actively following PPs exercise program every day and am extremely fit for my life"

"I chose to think that WH is free and happy living his own life and so I have my freedom to be myself. I choose to be dark with him and that brings me peace and serenity."

I am sure posters here will help you with this too.

V


Last edited by Vanilla; 08/31/15 05:17 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I don't post very often in other threads, but I just wanted you to know someone else is following and supporting you.

Your last post is great progress. I know how hard living together can be. You pay a high price for it mentally.

Best of luck


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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ATPeace Offline OP
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Thank you I just have to keep believing

Yes it is tough extremely

Need some help and advice on goal settings and perhaps things I can do to toughen up mentally and detach

Got to see her as just a friend or a room mate loose the feelings

Thank you

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,453
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ATPeace Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Azzork
Ghost - what EXACTLY are you afraid of?

Let's get those things out there so we can work through them.


Just re read my thread and saw this

I am afraid that I will not cope without my wife

I am afraid that I will be too lonley and not cope

I am afraid that my kids will be wanting to spend more time with W

I am afraid that my wife will find someone else fall in love have someone else please her and fulfil her needs (I have been my wife's only partner)

I am afraid I will not meet anyone else and be lonley for the rest of my life

I am afraid I may not cope well with my 2 year old daughter

This is a start
Thank you

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,453
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I am afraid to move on without my wife my only sole mate

I am afraid that she will meet someone else and then they will bring up my daughter

I am afraid that my children will love me less

I am afraid that she is making a very big mistake and that now she has opened the box there is no going back

I am afraid that there will be so much for me to do that I will not manage it all cooking cleaning ironing washing shopping child care and working


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
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OK - Im going to paraphrase. If Im catching this right, theres really three things you are scared of:

1) That you will not be able to emotionally function without your wife
This is why you need to detach. You seem to feel so dependent on her for your sense of emotional self. What does not being able to cope really even mean? If you get divorced, are you going to sit in your place in the dark all day? Does she really hold the power over you that without her, you wont be able to function? I dont think so! Theres no guarantee that you would meet someone else in the future. But I dont think youre ready for that yet. I think you need to prove to yourself that you dont NEED someone else holding you up first. If you arent able to stand by yourself, why would someone else want to come and hold you up?

Set some goals now to GAL. By yourself. Prove that you are a fun guy to be around. Prove that you are valuable to other people.


2) That you will not be able to physically function without your wife
Being a single dad is tough. Theres no two ways around it. Cooking, cleaning, shopping....its not easy. But Im sure you CAN do it. Your kids arent going to love you less if the floor isnt vacuumed every week.

I would set some goals to take your kids out, especially D2 without your W. Prove to yourself that you can handle things on your own.


3) That your wife can emotionally function without you
And lastly this. Theres nothing you can do about any of these fears. Nobody wants to think that their spouse would want to replace them with someone else. Nobody thinks someone else can do their job of spouse better than they can. But, these are her choices, not yours. So, all we can do is try not to think about these things. It's like when you were a kid...there more you think about the monster under the bed, the more scary and real it becomes.

All we can do is detach. Put big giant stop signs in our brains to cope with the things we cant control that scare the heck out of us. Im right there with you on this one, Ghost. I wish I had better advice. Keep working on detachment, and the pain of these fears will lessen.

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Azzork

I guess my biggest fears are the ones that I have no control over her being happy with someone else she had nothing to compare me to I was her first and only partner and she was mine. The thought of someone else satisfying her every need hurts. I suppose I worry about my own inadequacy.

We have always covered each others backs through out our marriage when money was tough for her I would pay more and she would do the same when my work was quiet.

Being alone scares me .... I like to be arround people...though

she said I did not spend enough time arround her .....perhaps I didn't

So what really scares me ....honestly .....her realising she could have done better than me.

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
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Originally Posted By: Ghost56
Azzork
I guess my biggest fears are the ones that I have no control over her being happy with someone else she had nothing to compare me to I was her first and only partner and she was mine. The thought of someone else satisfying her every need hurts. I suppose I worry about my own inadequacy.

So what really scares me ....honestly .....her realising she could have done better than me.


Yep. It hurts. But theres nothing you can do about it. Shes going to do as she wants. So, take the focus off of this and put it on those first two.

I would start there. Set goals that will help alleviate those first two fears. It will make this one a lot less scary.

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Fear is the mind killer. Fear paralyses. Lose the fear, you truly have nothing much to fear. She bombed you, she de-loved you, you got fired from the spouse, friend, lover position, what else can she do?!? You are still acting as this is just a phase for her and that she will snap out of it any day now. Nope, ain't gonna happen. And the sooner you internalize it, the better.

It is utterly useless to be afraid, for the dice has been cast. The situation has been F'd up already and you being afraid is not going to solve it any time sooner. I know you will not believe me, but if your wife had moved out you might heal faster. Sure it would hurt like hell, but hey, it's not like the whole experience has been pain free for you to begin with.

As for her meeting anyone else, try looking from the perspective, that she'll be the one who is on the loosing end, because she is loosing you. Now you just make damn sure, that you better yourself so she will indeed be sorry.

And your daughter will always be YOUR daughter as well and you will be doing the raising yourself as well.

And stop making excuses for the lack of friends. You do not need 10.000 paper friends, 3 of the right kind are way better.

And better yet, stop making excuses all togeather. I've taken another look at your fear list and it is all a lot of BS and if you looked at this list at another person's thread, I bet you'd feel the same. I mean come on, you raised 3 kids, why would you fail at the 4th? Any logic there? None. Afraid the kids will like mom better? No not try buying them off with gifts, spend time with them, talk to them, play with them (esp. the little ones).

Now go reread your fears and you will see that I'm right.

Hang in there buddy, you are really doing great.

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