Got here late... but I'm here now.

[gonegrl]

Duke, you did well. I understand too well the pain you are going through, the "inhuman" aspect, the inlaws, etc. It took me a while to "get it" but I realized that when my H was acting cold or angry or cruel, it was his hurt showing. Hard to get it because it doesn't look like "hurt" and its not like he would accept comfort from me, but it helped me depersonalize his actions and words and detach a bit. And of course, my hurt was so extreme but I couldn't show it.

Anyway, she is hurting. It doesn't make sense to you now, it may never make sense, but she is hurting and you are doing the best thing possible by staying strong, calm, and focusing on your girls. Hang in there. It is extremely difficult, but you are doing well.

[duke]

MIL was there because W didn't want to be in the same car as me. W wouldn't even give the flight info. I paid for a 30 day Euro vacation for her and she doesn't even have the decency to say a simple thank you.

[Azzork]

It's time to fight for your children.

V - this feels like great advice in this situation. I feels like you (duke) are here telling us how things arent fair or how W is doing this or that or how you cant believe this is happening and such. It feels (at least to me anyway), that you believe that this is something that will blow over. Whether its 30 days or another few weeks or whatever, but it feels like to me, that you believe if you put your head down, that eventually things will come back to normal.

I could be totally wrong. Thats just what your postings suggest to me.

I hope that her reaction at coming home will spur you to action.

[duke]

Sandi,

Thanks for your note. I thought I was over the anger stage but she keeps doing things that are so insensitive and mean. Totally unlike her and why it hurts me so much. She got off the plane and wouldn't even look at me, not a word. How does any human being go from being loving and adoring one week to a cold hearted insensitive _____ the next? How can you take and enjoy a 30 day vacation to Europe paid for by someone else and not even say a simple thank you. On top of that, "forget" to give them the flight time so they could pick you up at the airport. On top of that, make her mother drive in a storm with many traffic lights out to pick her up? I cannot begin to fathom her. I realized the other day that literally everyone in her family has separated from their spouses and do not ever speak with them after the split. They all act like they hate their ex spouses. It all comes from the mother, she is a real piece of work. Its like W wants the conflict, wants the drama, wants to whine and moan to her family and friends about what a bastard her husband was/is. This was 100% her choice. Ending things this way is 100% her choice. I spent the first 2 months trying to convince her not to do this, the harder I tried the meaner she became. From what I can see there is no way I can end this amicably and have a shred of self respect. She is treating me like I was the worst husband imaginable. Our girls see her treating me this way and are drawing the conclusion that I must have done something horrible. No one has had any in depth discussion with them so that is all they can think. Why is she being such a cold hearted _____? How long does this last?

[duke]

You have a good point there. Other than her D, MIL has no one. At the AP, MIL positioned herself so that she was well in front of me as they came through customs. Of course it was right in the middle of the crowd trying to get through but as usual she was oblivious. I stood off to the side so that people could get through then greeted my girls.

I am sure she is coaching W every step of the way. W knows she needs the support. In March they had a huge fight and didn't speak for 2-3 weeks. It was me that got them speaking again. Now I get this ____. They have always had a touchy relationship. My W has blown up at her several times in the past 2-3 years and MIL has stormed off in tears. It was always me that ran after her to get her to stay and talk.

[duke]

Question - did I make a mistake not saying anything to W or MIL at the AP? I had flowers for my 3 D's but nothing for W or MIL. I didn't speak with either of them as well. Like I said, W's side of the family thrives on this type of conflict. They love the drama.

[sandi2]

Maybe not saying anything prevented some type of scene, considering what they are like.

I know it must be terribly difficult to look at the woman who once your loving W and wonder what has happened. The very shock, alone, is enough to knock a man off his feet.

Some women act the way you've described as a means to get clear message to the H. Her mistreatment is partly due to her resentment, as well as any other WW attributes. Some women act this way in order to discourage the man from trying to get closer, talk, change her mind, etc.

MIL wanted to be a shield for your W. Based on their past R, it won't be long until they'll blow up again.

So sorry for those 3 little girls.

[duke]

Thanks Sandi,

In contrast to your past situation from being on the "other side", BD for me was end of May. I pursued like crazy for about 6 weeks and broke every one of your 37 rules, some multiple times until I found this site. Since just before they left for vacay at the end of July I totally withdrew and went dark. I didn't communicate with her at all while she was there (I did send a text when they were at the AP leaving saying to keep everyone safe and that I loved her, couldn't help it, nothing since then, I went dark). At the AP last night I was very distant, maybe too distant but certainly a huge contrast since before they left. I will continue to only communicate if it is for the kids and that is it.

Question for you - will this make any difference? what should I do if she starts asking me questions? Knowing her, she could last forever without talking to me for all I know. She is very tough.

[Vanilla]

Duke,

Please get this together for your Ds, who you speak of so wonderfully.

I absolutely adore you already, a dad with flowers. How amazing.

Very special.

Do admin with W and always every day with each of your Ds a convo and hug.

These children need their dad, so they are not trapped in continuing this cycle passed from mom to daughter.

V

[duke]

Thanks V

I always try to treat my girls the way I want them to expect how to be treated by a man. The same thing with their mother, I think that is even more important. I have always thought in the back of my mind to treat my wife the way I would want a man to treat my daughters. I hope that makes sense.

As for W she is still absolutely irate and still treats me with such hate in her voice. I felt bad that I didn't say anything to her at the airport yesterday but at the same time she didn't say anything to me. I should have at least say hi, how was your flight.

Today I called her to arrange taking my D's on a trip. I asked how she was, she just said fine and did not ask how I was. I have not spoken with her in a month. She called me back later and I couldn't help myself, I had to ask her that in the future she just be a little more respectful and when I ask her how she is doing to please show me the courtesy and respect to ask me how I was doing in return. She actually had to think about it for a while and finally said she supposed she could. Unbelievable. She treats me like I'm the anti-Christ or something. Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little respect? I am still the father of our three children. This would be so much easier if A) she would just be not so hateful and mean B) she wasn't out for blood with her L