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HeavyD Offline OP
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No we don't have to take a parenting class but it might be a good idea.

She wants me to meet with AP and have the kids meet the AP. I said I am not interested in meeting with AP now or ever. She got upset with that and said I was being unreasonable. I said I am sorry you feel that way.

She is accusing me of dragging out the divorce and that my lawyer does not respond to her lawyer. I said I don't have control over the legal system. She said that the deadline is Monday and if her lawyer does not get the paperwork then it's going to court. I said OK, let the lawyers handle it.

I asked her to leave our kids out of this, and she said she is not putting her life on hold any more, we have been separated for almost a year and that is all she is going to wait. My request for her to wait until 1 year after divorce was not fair to her. I said you can do whatever you want and have been and that is your right, just don't do it in front of the kids, let them process the separation and divorce.

I said how can you possibly model a healthy relationship pattern with our kids with you introducing and sleeping with your AP. She replied our kids will learn that is how families deal with problems, they work through them. I said "you have have got to be kidding me".

More drama and then we just decided to end the call as it was only getting more heated and did not go anywhere.

I have no idea who this woman is and am baffled by her decisions and behaviors regarding our kids.

Detach and Detach and Deatch again.


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Here's the thing - why are stbx so mean and cruel?

Is it a defense mechanism? Is it a way to cut the rope of attachment in any form? Is it because they hate the reminder of what they have done? All of the above? None of the above?

Hate is such a hard ugly thing. It is a mangy dog tied to a chain lunging at you trying to bite you with rabid saliva drooling. It is cold. It is scary. It is unreal.

I pray that in time hate will pass and fade away like a stormy cloud. It is only an emotion. Can hate ever be transformed into something softer, dislike and of course indifference hopefully.

I don't like to ruminate on this but wow - it sure packs a punch. It is hard to endure, maybe I will sidestep it.

It feels like if I don't give her what she wants, then hate follows. That sounds like fear on my part. Give her what she wants to avoid the hate. Must sidestep that too.


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Just sending you hugs Heavy. I'm not sure why stbx's do anything. Human beings are funny though, when we hurt, we either take it or lash out. Sounds like she's lashing out.

She probably had a very well designed fantasy going and anything that goes against her scares her to her core. Remember what she's bet. She's bet her entire family on the new relationship. That's a big bet. If things don't work out just as she thought, she's got to live with that loss for the rest of her life. That's what she's put down on the table but also has the addiction of the new relationship pulling her towards her decisions.

On one hand she simply can't avoid the lure of the new R. On the other, some part of her knows that she's flushed her family. That's a lot to walk around with.

I hope you find some peace this weekend, more hugs your way.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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Made it out to the adult party last night . It was
from 6-8 and I managed to stay until 9;15 - yay! Today is church, clothes shopping now that I am a size 4 and a pesicure.

A friend wants to stop by this afternoon and just hang out which will be nice. I have a contractor stopping by to give me a bit on some painting I need.

So keeping busy which is what I need today. Keep moving.

No word from l and deadline that w insists is tomorrow. If I had to choose between who is telling me the truth - her or my Lawyer - it would be the lawyer hands down.

Happy Sunday all!


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Originally Posted By: HeavyD
Made it out to the adult party last night . It was
from 6-8 and I managed to stay until 9;15 - yay! Today is church, clothes shopping now that I am a size 4 and a pesicure.

A friend wants to stop by this afternoon and just hang out which will be nice. I have a contractor stopping by to give me a bit on some painting I need.

So keeping busy which is what I need today. Keep moving.

No word from l and deadline that w insists is tomorrow. If I had to choose between who is telling me the truth - her or my Lawyer - it would be the lawyer hands down.

Happy Sunday all!


Sounds like a great time & more good stuff. Congrats on the size 4. One good in the bad of R implosions is that many of us shed some of those stubborn pounds we've been trying to get rid of for oh so long. Not always done in the healthiest of ways, but hey, it works.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
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And how are you doing with your sitch asitis??


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Who knows. There are some positive signs (W mentioning things that are topics of common interest that allow for openings, no flare ups of anything, calmness), but I'm just trying to stay focused on me & meet the openings with friendly interest in a busy schedule.

The usual ups and downs of mood (e.g., really wanted to invite W over to spend the night last night, which surprised me at its intensity), but these the downs don't last long & are easily navigated.

I don't expect any real changes in the foreseeable future, so it isn't really I just engage where it makes sense and keep the pressure off by having no expectations and worrying about everything on my plate instead of watching her for signs and signals. The shift is likely leading to some of this opening up on her part. I can't imagine she if second thoughts pop into her mind even briefly at this stage of things, so it makes it easy to not allow the little shifts and changes to raise any hopes in me. A very healthy place to be.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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W called this morning very upset that S10 had not compelted his homework 100% and that he is doodling in class and not really paying attention. He will read in class when he's not supposed to and just not fully engaged.

I replied I hear you, but I think this is just him adjusting to the new normal and we are all having difficulties with this adjustment and we just have to be patient.

She replies, that it is basically my fault that homework is not getting done correctly and that during her week it is. I said OK I hear you but we do homework every night. I am doing the best that I can. She did say that I have improved a lot in my pareting skills and I said, great, thanks for saying that.

I could tell she was very upset and she started crying that she "didn't want this" and I just said neither did I. I told her that I have put the kids 100% first in my life. I told her I have been given a child psychologist refcommendation to help with divorce transition and she seemed agreeable to that.

She said if I could not get it together, the kids will live with her during the week and I could have them on the weekend. I said "no, that's not going to happen." She said that I was letting my "ego" get in the way of raising our children. I said no, it was your ego and that you put yourself in front of the kids best interests. You chose to do this, break apart our family, have them live in two houses and these are the repercussions of your decisions. That was probably the wrong thing to say, but there it was. Needless to say, that only added gasoline to the fire.

I will talk to my S10 tonight about things at dinner tonight to see what can be done to help him with school and to settle down.

Jeez.


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Just found out there is a homework club afterschool so that should help S10 with getting his homework completed on time and with more accuracy.

I have enrolled him in that. I will ignore the comments about me not bein a good homework Mom. I know that is not true, so out it goes.

W keeps repeating that D does not have to be this way and that I am making it harder for all of us. Maybe there is some kernal of truth in that statement. Maybe I will just have to let it go and try to get along with her better. I honestly see this as letting the natural outcomes occur but not at the expense of my kids and their school work.

For some reason that is stuck in my craw, I keep wanting her to acknowledge that she thrust us all into this chaos and uncertainty but I know that is not going to happen. She just doees not see it that way. So, I guess my only option is to let it go. Have no expectation of that ever occuring and learn to be OK with that. That is one of the areas that keeps me stuck and getting the glue off my feet is hard work but necessary.


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Went to an Al Anon Meeting at my church last night with a friend. No, I don't have an alcohol problem, I don't drink at all actually. But I had heard that 12 step programs are helpful in divorce situations. Anyway, went to the womens group and it was really really good.

A lot of it involved people who are struggling, just like I am, but in mnay different areas of life, jobs, relationships, substance abuse, shame, drama, etc... It bascially was realizing that we don't have power of anyone except ourselves and how we just have to let go over what we can't control. It is more eloquent than that and there are 11 other steps, but the meat of it was to just let it go, and be compassionate about it and get in touch with you and God. It was really beautiful. It touched something inside me and really made me think how much of my power I gave away and how much control I thought I had over situations that I don't. it's enough to drive one batty. I will go back next week.

I swear, my next realtionship, I will be so ready to have a healthy one with the new and improved me. I have learned so much during this last year, so much and I am so grateful.


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