Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
She may think you are giving her the cold shoulder, and she's mirroring what she sees.

Detaching doesn't mean you have to give the silent treatment. How would you treat her if she was an older lady renting a room in your house?

Here is another way of explaining detaching.


Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 461
T
tkdmme Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 461
Sandi,

I understand all of this except the last one.

"Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions (and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them)".

Is this right? Am I supposed to bail my W out when her actions lead to failure?

I am doing a lot better with the DBing and I think you are right when you say she is mirroring what she sees. I want things to work so badly and im sick of my family telling me to give up and hers telling me that I cant give up.

My IC tells me that I am still the man of the house and even if she says she wants a D I cant be the one to leave. I feel that I have been exhibiting the PMA and the kids have responded incredibly. The 180 I am most proud of is spending a lot more time with the kids. They treat me much differently than before.

My D12 has started talking to me about boys. Not that I want to hear that. she is only in the 7th grade. However this is something she has never talked to me about before. We are growing so close. Both of the boys have really taken notice in the new me. We play golf together and backyard base ball. They have all started coming to me for help with their homework and telling me all about their lives.

I love my family and want nothing more than to have all of us together in the future. The things im learning here do work. I have been supportive of the W without trying to fix things for her. She wants to start taking pictures again. She is a great photographer.

I guess things aren't that bad. We get along fine as long as I don't bring up any M conversations. However im pretty sure she still wants a D.


M:39
W:40
S:10
S:7
D:12
BD:3/5/15
Separate BR:3/5/15
W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
I think it was typo and should read "not" to bail them out.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 461
T
tkdmme Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 461
So the w went from not talking to me. To being a complete a hole. My head is spinning. I kept my cool and said I don't deserve to be talked to like that. Nothing else was said. Wow!


M:39
W:40
S:10
S:7
D:12
BD:3/5/15
Separate BR:3/5/15
W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 461
T
tkdmme Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 461
Still getting the spew. Now it's about money. HElP!!


M:39
W:40
S:10
S:7
D:12
BD:3/5/15
Separate BR:3/5/15
W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 986
O
otw Offline
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 986
Just STFU and take a walk! Be better and the bigger person.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
Shut up and walk away.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 461
T
tkdmme Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 461
I don't know what happened last night. She must have had a bad day at work or something. I dropped our D12 off at a party and arranged for her cousin to bring her home. W asked me to drop her off. I guess I assumed that I would make arrangements to get her home. The W came out and said that she was going to pick up our D12 and I said that her cousin is bringing her home. This is when she got mad and asked why I didn't tell her that the cousin was bringing her home. I really didn't know what to say. I just said im sorry I figured because I dropped her off that I would make sure she got home.

She was mad about this? it was no big deal. Then she came at me with some money issue. She wanted to write a check to sign our S7 up for soccer. I had already gotten the cash for it so I gave it to her. She then just stormed in the house and left me outside. I don't know why these minor issues were such a big deal to her. I think I handled it fine though.

I didn't engage her. I let it go and did not defend myself. She acted like a jerk to me the rest of the night.


M:39
W:40
S:10
S:7
D:12
BD:3/5/15
Separate BR:3/5/15
W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
Originally Posted By: tkdmme
I just said im sorry I figured because I dropped her off that I would make sure she got home.


What were you sorry for? What would you do again differently if you were in the same situation?

Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 461
T
tkdmme Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 461
Nothing I would have done the same. I have a habit of appoligizing for things that don't require an apology.


M:39
W:40
S:10
S:7
D:12
BD:3/5/15
Separate BR:3/5/15
W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard