H has started an affair

[Lost08]

Hi, Anna

I didn't have such a great weekend. It appears I'm still wallowing in my grief

But I came here to support you and check in b/c I agree we're in a similar boat and I am very encouraged and inspired by your progress.

I hope you had a good weekend and are continuing forward with your PMA / GAL!

Having an imaginary coffee with you right now

[Anna25]

Hi Sotto,

Thank you for checking!

My weekend was not so great...
On Friday night, H came home after work very unexpectedly. He didn't say anything and just went to walk the dog right away. Since it was late, I went to bed myself. When I woke up later, H was falling asleep in front of TV, so I went in and turned off TV. After a while, he left. I really don't know what was that about.

Saturday, I went to a farm picnic with kids for mom's meetup. Kids had fun pulling out carrots and seeing chickens etc. Talked to some moms and kids, it was overall good until I felt very sad driving home, thinking other moms' H waiting for them at home.
That evening H came home, was in a very bad mood. Snapped at me about our dog, that I need to discipline him right (The dog has been barking excessively lately, we talked about this before and H said the dog is on a guard mode since H is not home at night.) I wanted to say well that's because you are not home, but I didn't say anything.
Later, I needed to talk to him about budget and he was still mad and said "How much do you want?" I wanted to explain it's not like I'm trying to take his money, but merely asking for his share of money to maintain the house and kids life, but I just simply said how much our expense is and how much I need from him.

Sunday morning H didn't bother to come home. I noticed his toothbrush was gone. Very depressed. I felt like the situation is just slipping away for the worse.

So Sunday night H came home early. But mostly sleeping on the couch. I asked him about dinner, but he didn't want it. (BTW, I cooked nice meals on weekend using fresh veggies we picked at the farm, which was nice)
H stayed until both kids were asleep. When he was leaving, H asked me if I saw the babysitter. ( I had an interview Sunday morning, but he well knew I saw her because he had arranged the interview and apparently babysitter had already contacted him asking for schedule) So I said "Yes, I liked her" and left the room first (with all my will power) before H left.

This morning H came home and when I was about to leave, he said "what happened to your foot?" (about my blister from my shoes) I think this was the first time in a long time H asked about me, not kids or logistics. Then he said "there is a hole in the back of your dress, let me see" and turned me around and said "oh it's just some thread" and took it away.
I take it's a good thing. I have to.

[Anna25]

Hi Rouky,

Thank you for reading on my thread and I'm really sorry you are in this situation...

I think S is not a good thing as a basic rule, and my DB coach also told me I don't have to tell him to leave right now, but it is hard. Sometimes I doubt myself if I'm not taking a firm enough stand. But then again, I still have opportunities to interact with him even a little, which I have to think is a good thing.

Being upbeat around him is all fake and forced. It's comforting to know if you say it'll be easier and more natural. When H is not around, it's even hard to get up. I feel like I just want to sleep. Any GALing does not give me any real joy right now, but I 'm just forcing myself, hoping it will sometime...

I started reading "solo partner" recommended here. I always knew I was a pursuer, but the description for both pursuer and distancer is so US. It is so me and H. I need to stop pursuing, and now it's fake, but I'm hoping to master it. I know it's going to be very difficult considering I have always been this way, not just with H, but I have no choice right now...

Thanks again for encouragement!

[Anna25]

Good morning Lost,

Thank you for checking in!
I'm sorry to hear you didn't have a great weekend. Unfortunately mine was not good either...

One moment I feel ok and optimistic, then the next moment I feel so crushed and scared. It sure is a roller coaster ride, isn't it. I don't feel like I'm making a progress, but I guess I have no choice but to go on.

Let's hope we can find some good things this week however little it is...

[Rouky]

Hi Anna,

I knew it is hard, and you want to pain the go away but bear in mind that you have only been on this forum a month. You are at the beginning of your journey.

As I said before, whatever you do will not be natural to you but it will. Just to make you laugh, today I had to go back home as I realised that I didn't have any mascara. Out of the 10 years I have been with my H, I only wore it on our wedding day!

I know it's hard and you want the pain to go away. In the end you have embarked on a journey ( not that you wanted it) where you will grow as a human being!

My H went (I suspect still is) for an angry phase, I reckon it's/ was due to him not knowing what to do and in a way expecting me to do it for him. Unfortunately due to our situation, I decided ( one of my boundaries) that he is a grown up man, so therefore he has to start to make his own decision, and not wait for someone to do it for him! I was like that, and it scared me to make decisions but now I'm happier for doing it. My next big one is D or not? But not in a rush for it

Thinking of you :-)

[Sotto]

Hi Anna, sorry it's been a tough weekend. But look here - you went out and met some new people. You had interactions with your H where you didn't break down or pressure. You picked veg and cooked meals etc. All of that sounds like good stuff to me!

On the GAL, I understand what you're saying. It can feel like you are just forcing yourself to do stuff you don't enjoy. But there is an element of needing to try things. Of the various GAL things I have done, there were a few that I tried and didn't carry on with - Tai Chi was one. You know, I just didn't feel like having to remember a routine...

But there have been other GAL things, that have worked out so well and made a big difference in my life. Volunteering at the bookstore is one and my Social group - of the Llama, falconry, rifle shooting fame - is another. The important thing is extending yourself and building a life for you that is separate to your H.

I truly do sympathise that having him come and go in and out of the house must be so hard. I wasn't able to do that and decided to leave. Others manage it and I admire them. The important thing is that you have an arrangement that is sustainable for now, and that you can look after yourself - despite the challenging circumstances.

You sound as though you don't feel things are going well. But from what you post, I think they are going as well as can be expected just now. Please remember how unusual it is to see much progress at this point. Things tend to happen slowly in these sitches. You have removed pressure, you are focusing more on your life, let time do it's work whilst you work on you.....you're doing just fine Anna xx

[Anna25]

Rouky,

I believe my H is very confused and frustrated as well. At BD he told me he has been always angry due to this. It's very typical of him too that he does not want to deal with problems wishing they will go away on their own somehow.
I have been always a "fixer" and my urge to help him sort things out is great, but I know only H can decide what he wants to do. So I am trying to give him time and space...A lot of self-control!

[Anna25]

Sotto,

You don't know how much it means to me to see your always encouraging words! I do really appreciate it. I appreciate everyone taking time and writing to me, it helps me keep my sanity greatly...

Patience patience patience is my mantra.
Having no control and dealing with uncertainty is such a new area for me, but it will bring me new sense of calmness for sure if I master it.

[Anna25]

Journaling...

H was off last night. I made yummy pasta (if I say so myself!) H wanted to eat too. I don't know if he just feels bad to turn down if I offer, but I think it would be too rude not to if he is there?
H left when D3 was not asleep yet (was lying down with me trying to sleep), and she asked me where Papa is going. So I texted him later if he could wait until kids are asleep. He texted me back "yes, sorry"

Later in the middle of the night, H started sending rambling text, "sorry" "Why didn't you shut the door (so D3 wouldn't know he left)" "You know I was leaving" "I never want to hurt my kids" "You should know that" "Why" "I'm good to them always" " Why don't you close the door"
I didn't bother replying.

This morning when D3 and I were leaving, I noticed H was standing very close to me. Then he grabbed me and took me to the other room, who knew what his intention was, to talk to me or to make advances again? But D3 started crying, so that was it.

I have a work related BBQ invitation next week. They have invited my H too, but I shouldn't even let him know right?

[mvgfwd2]

Why invite him? He's just someone who babysits when you're at work. Would you invite your babysitter? Go have an awesome time. This is a good detaching/gal'ing opportunity.