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Anna25 Offline OP
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Hi Sotto,

Thank you for the article.
It is very inspiring and gives me some strength and hope.
I understand that there is NOTHING I can do to make H do anything. Why do I beat up myself for something I can not control...

In a reality of my situation, I am still not sure exactly how I can remove myself from H since he comes home every day to take a shower, change and take care of the kids. I don't interact with him unless he does, I don't ask about R,,, how can I put it in practice "you can not have me(or family) while you have A"?

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good recommendation on the Hearts Blessings website and article sotto thank you!


Married 1991
D 23 GD 3
D 21
S 20
M 49
S 48
1st bomb 2008
2nd bomb 4/2015 same person
I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
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Are you still doing his laundry, cooking, or other such things? Maybe quit being his maid. Maybe ban him from your bedroom, lock it possibly. It's the marital bed not a hotel bed.

Last edited by mvgfwd2; 08/27/15 01:33 AM.

Me:49 W:45
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Hi Anna, I'm glad you found that one helpful. I think all her arcticles on infidelity are worth a read actually. I've been reading more widely about MLC lately and her stuff is pretty interesting I think.

As for your question - how do I remove myself - yes I agree it isn't easy. For me, I moved out straight away so I don't have that experience to offer. But I guess not removing yourself to me means - sharing a bed - being affectionate - being intimate - acting as though you are in a loving marriage - still being a partner to him - still going on dates etc.

So I guess removing yourself may mean - not sharing a bed - not showing affection - being clear that intimacy is off the table - being clear that you and he are not in a R whilst he's involved with a third party....and so on.

Maybe speak to your coach about this area if you have another session planned? I think it is really important to avoid the whole triangulation thing - for your own peace of mind and protection, and also not to prolong the A - whatever form it's in. Many WAS's push the boundaries in this area and I think you have done well to push back on this one. It's hard because we so want our WAS's to want us (and not AP) - but do we want THEM on that basis? ie: secretly texting AP while playing with the kids?? - erm no thanks....he's no prize at the moment, believe me!

Best wishes to you xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Anna25 Offline OP
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mvgfwd2 & Sotto,

Thank you for the input.
I am not doing his laundry. I'm not cooking either (Well he is never home when I am ) We are not sharing a bed because he sleeps on the couch when I'm there. I only see him maybe 5 min in the morning usually.

I had another session with DB coach this morning.
We talked about "lovingly detaching" He suggested I should continue to be happy and upbeat around H because H said he doesn't feel like he can make me happy.

When/If H makes sexual advances, coach thinks it's ok for me to let him know I want it but I can't because I have self-respect, instead of making it to seem like I'm turning him down because I'm punishing him/he's a loser.

I asked coach about how to talk to him about boundaries on money, time-management (bc H was late coming home in the morning a few times for me to go to work) etc, and he suggested to make it collaborative instead of sounding like punishment or demand. Like " We need to figure this out, what do you think we should do?"
Coach thinks H is still very confused and a good person within him appears and disappears, and that punishment (or if H thinks it is) is never productive in such case...

I know all this sounds like I'm giving him much more respect than he deserves right now, but I'll give it a try and see how it goes.


Last edited by Anna25; 08/27/15 03:55 PM.
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Journaling...

Last night H had a day off and surprisingly was at home when I returned from work. I cooked for myself and kids, and I thought it would be rude to ignore, so I asked H if he wants to eat. H said yes, so we all ate together though there was not much conversation between us.
H said thank you after dinner and did the dishes, helped me put kids to bed.

I talked to H about the time he comes in the morning. H said he forgot to set the alarm that morning and apologized, said didn't mean to make me late for work. I said we need to figure something out if it's difficult but H said it won't happen again. (This morning H texted me when he's coming home to let me know)

After that H left. But he said "I'll be back later, See you" which was new because he had been saying nothing when he left lately.
Anyway, I did my cardio workout and it was hard but felt good.

Then again when H came home this morning, he said nothing.....
I continued being upbeat, looking good and smelling good!

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Anna! You rock! Keep it up! smile


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
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ILYBINILWY
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Thank you Lost!

I read up on your thread too and I think we are in the similar boat. (and timing too!)
I really feel your agony. The pain and fear is indescribable. I can't concentrate on anything. I really wish I won't wake up anymore.
I know we are still early in this, but I feel very inpatient. I wanted someone to fix this yesterday.

But somewhere in my mind, I know I will get H back. And that hope is all I'm clinging to. I know acting on the moment's emotions is not going to help accomplish that, so I'm trying my best to look ok while dying inside.

I'm still working on detaching. I still get so influenced by H's reactions/no reactions. I still get obsessed about A and OW.
However, last night was one of the better nights, and I wonder if being nice(like offering dinner) to H works?
Like in your thread, you were wondering if spending more time together to build the connection is better?

I know every situation is different bc we are dealing with different people, but this is so difficult isn't it...

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Hi Anna, just checking in to see how you're doing my friend? Hope your weekend is going well....any nice GAL plans? xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Anna,

Just read your story and I'm sixth months finding about my H affair's and 5 months since I kicked him out. From my experience if you can keep co-habiting with him, do it. I know it is going to be hard for your sanity but if he is around it'd be a lot easier for you.

Like you I am impatient and wanted to fix everything. Unfortunately I kept pushing him away. I don't know if he is with OW, but when he comes round to see the kids he looks like a wreck. Could it be guilt or not? but I have learnt to detach from the situation now.

There is nothing we can do at the moment. If he really wanted to leave you, he'd have done it as this happened to one of my friend. Men don't leave their wives unless they are sure about the OW.

Good on you to look good and feel upbeat. I know it's hard, and you feel it is fake but believe me it'll soon become a second nature. Think about when you learnt to rid a bike, it didn't work straight away and at first you didn't feel comfortable, but little by little you managed to rid it a bit more. This is the same.

The first steps are the hardest, but once you are on this bike you appreciate the road and its surrounding. Gosh I hope it makes sense to you :-).

Never doubt your strength, it might not seem obvious but it is there.

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