Thanks for the update Jelly - it has been a really long time. I always look for this and hope today's the day.
It seems hard sometimes to write and reflect on all of this. I think sometimes that it may be better to try and forget it all and start from an new day one without ever thinking of the past. Though without reflecting on all of the past, what have we learned, how can we improve, how can we even come close to moving forward without making the same mistakes (including being overly self-judgmental - I guess). But reflecting on things sometimes makes me re-live the pain too.
I don't know what to do about any of this, just saying it.
It sure sounds like you have found a path to move forward and your 2016 goal sounds like a driving force.
Use your breathing room to heal the inner JellyB. I know that is what it is going to take for me too. I do worry about essential parts of myself being permanently damaged by these circumstances. the parts that are necessary to trust again and love again. Hopefully time will heal these wounds without too many scars (I don't see it happening for me - and it really scares me). It is so good to hear that you are in a peaceful living situation now (is your flat in an area that you wanted to be?)
how is your work going?
Keep searching for that robust and confident Jelly - she's there somewhere. be kind to yourself.
Is spring blooming there yet? I would still love to visit (more coffee/more chitchat/less cycling )
Peace and much love to you. u-turn
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
I have the luxury of no longer being in contact with Mr Ex. We have not lived in the same town for over a year. In fact this time last year my mum took me to Rarotonga for a week to get away from it all and sit in the sunshine and bathe in the island waters. Ha how times flies when you're having fun. I am a far cry from that sad, crazy , devastated girl who he bomb dropped. I feel I am closer to being someone only a fool would leave.
The lack of contact is healing. I can honestly say when there is a hint of him, like one of his friends text me or a random photo turning up somewhere. Some of the pain is as real as if it only happened yesterday. But as I said I let these moments come and go. I take great solace in the fact that he has never given me another moments thought and I now give Mr Ex the same regard.
I find coming here a bit of a trigger to the pain sometimes, reading people's sitches and reconnecting to the devastation, to the complete unreality , the sense of loss for what was and what was going to be. But there is real humanity here and such kindness too and friendship and fun and lots of love. So as with all things with life, with the bad comes the good. And as always in life "this too shall pass".
I must admit Lovely U, I don't think much about the past these days. I have known for a long time where my vulnerabilities were in my relationships with men. I feel the difference this time in that I finally get some of the fundamental nuances I never understood before. They are stupid common sense things that any normal person has understood a lifetime. But I forgive myself for not understanding them due to a childhood of emotional neglect and trauma. That in itself has been a huge shift in my very being.
Learning not to believe every emotion and thought has been a good lesson and I believe my emotional barometer has become far less twitchy. I have much more self control. I am triggered to past abuses on an almost daily basis, but I am far better able to recognise this and now know what feeling triggered is. I used to believe feeling triggered was the truth of any situation and couldn't understand why the men in my life insisted on treating me so poorly. I misread situations very easily, I misread men's intentions even more so.
There is this feeling I get that makes me feel so sad, Lady V calls this part of me "Sweet sadness" and oh she is sad and she is a about 4 or 5 years old, and she feels such shame just being who she is. I know when she shows up now and I know when I feel the insecurity about myself and I am beating myself up in my head and my stomach has nausea from anxiety. I now recognise that it is not real, the lies I am telling myself are not true, that the truth I feel I know about another persons perceptions of me is none of business or completely off the mark.
There was a point to these ramblings Lovely U. And the point is, I don't have to revisit the pain of childhood abuse or of the loss of my relationships to know the areas where I need to grow, and change and develop. I feel ultimately every time Sweet sadness shows up, she needs my kindness and love and acceptance. May a stern talking to at times to get some sense of proportion or perspective, but likely nothing more than you would for average 4-5 year old lol.
I guess what I am saying Lovely U, is that you don't need to revisit the pain of your loss of relationship with wife or the hopes and dreams of the future you anticipated with her in order to grow. You just need to be in your own skin and in touch with the most authentic part of you that is lovely-U. Ignore me U as I have as I said earlier I have had the luxury of having distance from Mr Ex. U my lovely friend are still in the midst of it. And for that you have my deepest love and respect, because that is no easy place to be.
As for the trust and love with another person. I know I have much to give. The worry at the moment is the fear of having my heart ripped out of chest again. I have faith however that when the time is right, there is a man that will recognise the fragility of my heart but also the absolute unique opportunity and grace it is to be love by me. A I scared it may never happen,absolutely! But life happens regardless so I will keep showing up in the meantime.
I was on a dating forum messageboard recently. Lurking of course (or rather observing) and a woman asked the question about men's ability or willingness to see past the physical scars a woman may have received over the course of her life for one reason or another. As people posted on and off over the course of the day , there were repeated references to souvenirs, rather than scars. People talked about them being a reminder of a place or space in time, of a survival, a mark of remembrance of one's vulnerability or overcoming incredible odds. This idea is very inviting to me. As well you know my body has been through the wringer, and it bears the scars of what it has been through. I see these scars as more of a burden and something to be ashamed of. But are they?
So then what emotional scars? Are our scars, the ones attached to love and commitment lost, are they something to be ashamed of? Or are they the sign of remembrance to a part of ourselves who took a risk to love and commitment to someone so deeply that it has left a mark. We should be proud should we not, to know that we are capable of such vulnerability and such strength. I'm not sure I am still formulating my position on this. But I find a certain level of comfort in this thinking.
Sorry I have gone on...forgive me my ramblings...
As for work. I am still working on my secondment to a project team. There has been lots of learning. I am frustrated by a fellow team member, whose passive aggressive communication style does nothing but bring out my need to assault her. Not being a violent or aggressive person by nature, you can see I am struggling. I have a great supervisor and my other team mates are awesome, so in the bigger scheme of things she is gnat on the backside of a seriously big beast.
My flatting situation. Well I have moved from the very outer suburbs of Auckland City to a suburb about 10 mins from inner city Auckland, called Epsom. I am a 10 minute walk to a local park called Cornwall Park and in this park there is a hill called One Tree Hill. And yes it is a the Hill in the U2 song. Although in 1996 or 1997 a Maori Radical cut the tree down. The local council is looking to replant one in the same spot next year. I am now a 15-20 min drive to work in the morning. And I can basically get to a stretch of beach or water within 20 mins whatever direction I head in. I had brunch with a friend in place called Mission Bay yesterday which is one bay of six I think that runs from Auckland Port in the city centre out along Waitemata Harbour. Im giving you some sign posts in case you want to google it. The sun was shining and the tide was in just beautiful.
The sun is out now here. Sunday afternoon 12.37 pm. I was up at 4.30am this morning as the NZ rugby team was playing in the world cup final against Australia today. Such a tense and amazing game and the All Blacks won. Auckland City was abuzz with people at 5am on a sunday morning. NZ stops for rugby events like this. Sadly I have been caught up in the hype. I had a lovely breakfast with a friend afterwards, at a new local cafe called Cali. Awesome gluten free eggs benedict.
Anytime you are heading this way lovely U (P.S about a 13 hour plane ride from LA) let me know I would love to show you the sites of Auckland and maybe a cycling road trip around our two islands. And lots and lots of amazing coffee.
This time it's your turn to update on your thread Lovely U.
Hey Jelly - lots of sign posts indeed - I feel like I have visited you today - it all looks so pleasant and very cool there. (oh and gluten free eggs benedict is good but sorry - sweets are my weakness - look at that bombolone - I couldn't pass that up ).
If only I had $1,500 fall out of the sky for a ticket - I would book it in a heartbeat.
I can tell you a little about scars too - I was a rough kid and young adult and each of my scars whether through accidents, surgeries, or stupidity, have stories to go along with each one. Even my kids remind me of the stories that I told them. The scars don't hurt any more, but I do look at them and know exactly what happened and remember how I felt. I suppose the emotional scars could just be a story that I may tell some day.
Thanks for sharing so much today. I'll be back to add - and I will update on my thread. Kia kaha
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
Ok U so I did some checking, to fly from Auckland to your hometown. I would fly from Auckland to Sydney Australia, and then from Sydney to Dallas and then to your hometown. The travel could take a mere 24 to 48hrs. Almost the same has flying to see Lady V in the UK. Who would have thought! And a mere $2500NZ for the opportunity. Same as flying to the UK from here in the on peak season. So it would seem that $1NZ is buying almost $0.67 US. It seems we would need to have about the same amount of money fall out of the sky to travel to each others country. However likely you would get more bang for your buck here Lol. If of course you could handle the travelling time.
One of my bucket list trips is to visit San Fran, Chicago, Maine, New Hampshire, Washington, Boston, New York and then head to Canada and complete a cycling road trip across it. Maybe seeing some of it by train too.
Hi Jelly, I will just comment on your trip idea. Maine and New Hampshire are beautiful, one of our best family trips that we have ever taken. If you are there, the White Mts of New Hampshire and the Green Mts of Vermont are worth a look. Chicago, I haven't been there since 5th grade, but it is an exciting town. China town there is pretty fun. New York state is beautiful, never been to the city. Washington state is awesome! Seattle is a lot of fun too. Washington DC is very inspirational for an American boy, and I am sure to some extent anyone. Haven't been to Boston, but will definitely go when my boys are bigger and can appreciate the history there too. Victoria BC Canada is all I have seen of our neighbor to the north. It is gorgeous, museums, art, street performers, history, gardens, etc.
That is a heck of a bucket list trip, and I hope you get to take it!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
So nice of you to visit. Yes it's something I would to love to do. I fell in love with the idea of visiting New Hampshire by the books of my favourite author John Irving ( World According to Garp, Hotel New Hampshire). I enjoy his writing style and quirky story telling, he appeals to my slightly skewed world view, that none of us are sane and this is what makes us human and each one of us so special. The crazy amoungst will prevail. Don't worry I include myself whole-heartedly in that.
I have heard it said that Canada is a lot like NZ, both in scenery and people's disposition. I am anxious to see if this is true. I have worked with alot of expat Canadians here in NZ and see how this could be true.
I hope that if a make enough DB friends here, I might not have to save for accommodation. A few people here might offer me some American hospitality and I'll be closer to making my dream happen. lol ( cheeky Kiwi humor there....but I am not kidding either).
Again this for dropping by, you are welcome anytime.
Washington DC is very inspirational for an American boy, and I am sure to some extent anyone. Haven't been to Boston, but will definitely go when my boys are bigger and can appreciate the history there too.
Please allow me to drop in on this. We were stationed near DC for a three year tour and lived just about an hour away. We would make the trip at least once a month. Awesome place to go. We spent more time at the National Mall than anywhere else. Our kids loved it - also the Old Post Office and its great view of the city.
Boston - absolutely love the place. If one is into history, that place is a must stop. When we were stationed just a bit north (in NY), we went to Boston a fair bit. My favorite destination is the Constitution - nothing tops that. Paul Revere's house is awesome, too. As is the Old North Church. So much to see there!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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