Some are 'moving toward' and others are 'moving away from'
You probably guessed I am the former and you dear one are the latter.
It's often paradoxical but given a choice you may choose petulance and rebellion. It's the way you work.
Your favourite word may have to be 'no'.
There is a sense in which it's possible that you say "Jellyb is out of step" "Jellyb doesn't fit" "is Jellyb damaged antisocial, narc, difficult etc?"
The answer is "no, it is her thinking pattern". Know that this pattern isn't compulsive but it is reactive and perverse. It can also mean that without learned structured thinking processes that you can end up with untested decisions.
I consider that you may be mixing thinking styles (together with the associated lack of structured process) with behaviour. It's a predisposition not a destiny. It can be managed.
I have said before that I believe you would benefit from a toolkit, steps deliberately inserted by CBT (or RBT) to make you pause and interfere with the unstructured but natural thinking. To rewire your subconscious.
It may be time to look to some harder skill sets.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/02/1510:48 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I believe you are right, I have read in the past about people who are positively motivated and those who are negatively motivated. The reading advised that neither is any better than the other, just people are different.
I also beleive that you are right about the CBT or something similar. For the short term I have had to put the therapy on hold, just till I save enough for the surgery. It was a priority as I know that the stinkin thinkin and rumination have not been effective for positive living and loving.
I am pleased I posted about the procrastination issue I have been experiencing. It's open a window and let some fresh air to a room that was becoming a little stifling.
Once again Lady V. Thanks for the nudge. I hope that in time I have give back half as much as you.
Oh U, thank you for popping by. I have no expectation that you would post on my thread, with what you have going on, but aopreciate that you did. And you are never an interuption!
Somehow I don't think men end up as crazy cat ladies. I will share with you, one of my big sadnesses about being a cazy cat lady. It is the loss of not having children that hurts about some of this. Within all my friends and family, everyone thought that I would be the first to be married and have children (I always wanted four) I wanted a big family to make up for the sense of family I didn't have as a child.
Being childless at 43 and accepting that biological children are not in my future has been a slow coming to of acceptance. It does however sit very quietly there in my heart.
CBT is one therapy that works well with self help and can be short and sharp, weekend courses work well too. There are resources that are free, there is an absolutely fabulous website in Guernsey which is a charitable one, get.gg please google it. It's amazing. There are good books and audio courses many of which will be cheap on Amazon. I am also doing a narc recovery programme which involves deep healing.
Think of extreme self care too, intense hyper nutrition.
You might also think about training as a counsellor too with a charity. You are likely to be trained. Consider a 12 step programme that's also free, and depending on the group, fantastic group therapy. Work with children, foster parents receive training.
You know most of this. It's time for action.
Mirroring back the double rainbow, with the pot of gold.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/03/1507:33 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Well an update at the request of lovely U-turn. Where to start. I always find it so hard to start a post, Im not sure why. I guess maybe taking my very jumbled over analysed thoughts and putting them to paper is quite a challenge for me. But here goes...
Health: Well I have embraced the Paleo/Primal lifestyle in an attempt to get has fit and healthy for my plastic surgery in mid 2016. I have been grain/gluten and sugar free, high fat low carb now since the beginning of September. I have seen no weight loss :-((((. BUT I am a hellava alot happier. I believe that grains and gluten have a strong erlationship to my years of low mood and depression and terrible (sorry guys) PMS. Significant hormonal imbalance. I believe that the weight remains as I am still likely dealing with years of abuse to my body (a heap of antibiotics as a sick child 2-10 years - on antibiotics every second week over that time) and the last dose of antibiotics with my recent surgery and the serious wound infection. On antibiotics for two months straight. Gut health is completely well STUFFED = no weight loss. But mood improvement and hormone balace I will take.
Also it seems I have experienced multiple bouts of adrenal fatigue. Very interesting stuff for those of us who have experienced multiple traumas and stress. I now believe that I was experiencing Stage 3 of Adrenal Fatigue prior to BD. Im finding that healing this body and mind, is likely going to be a slow journey. So I am feeling less quilty about my reduction in exercise, as some of my adrenal fatigue is likely related to overtaining with the addition of too few calories, in the two years prior to bomb drop I living on about 800-1000 and doing endurance and high intensity training 6 x per week.
So what is the lessen, you can't have a healthy relationship with the one you love, unless you feed and treat yourself. I think the above was a good form of self abuse and a good way to end a relationship. How can anyone be happy in a relationship with another person when their body is starving and in complete meltdown.
Living situation: Well all I am pleased to say I now a fully fledge independent single woman once again. Finally found a great flatting situation with another single woman, the same age and I have been spending up a storm creating a new beginning, with new furniture art and such. I little of an overspend (ok quite alot) out of the plastic surgery budget. But huh , who cares, only ME to worry!
Dating/Relationships/Men: After a wee daliance back in the dating world, I find that my emotional and mental well being, while robust in my own company and those of my friends who love and adore me. It is not robust enough to deal with the dating world. I once held an optimistic view of men and women's ability to safely navigate relationships and communication. I have to say my confidance and trust is broken in some essential places. Mostly importantly I don't trust my own judgement and gut right now about seeing the good men from the ones that would not be a good match for me.
The other thing is my complete lack of confidence in myself - in lots of aspects. I am happy and confident in myself. But anything of an emotionally or physically intimate nature, no confidence at all. I have picked up that I smell or reek of insecurity to men at the moment. In many ways I am grateful to my wiser unconscious self knowing that this stench I am creating with men is a good protector. I am indeed not ready for Mr Amazing to come along right now.
So Me, Myself and I: So I like where my life is right now, it isn't exactly where I want to be, far from it fact. I call this place "The Breathing Room". I place of hiatus, relaxation and peace. I like this place. I have been here before when I was single. It's enjoyable and what I love about this place, is that for the girl that likes to caretake everybody and everyone but herself, I am only required to look after me. There is so much less pressure to be the perfect anything here. How I make the transition from being here to being with a lovely man in a relationship and not want to be little ms perfect I have no idea. But for now I will relish the peace I find here in "The Breathing Room".
Hmmmm Mr Ex: My mood and feeling is changable about him. I wish I was ambivilant about him. I am not. I wish I was more Zen in my feeling about him. But I am not. Well for now anyway. I let the ill feelings of betrayal, anger, resentment and sadness come and go like the tides. Attempting not to attach my sense of self to them. I tell myself that my ego is no longer attached to this person, he is now my past and the past cannot hurt me unless I let it. Him and my feelings are apparitions. Here and then gone, they have no meaning because he and our problems or happiness no longer exist. It is done. He is but a memory now. This is my self talk about him.
I wonder sometimes (very rarely) about his current relationship ending and him turning up in my life (this is a very unlikely event) and asking for a second chance. My feeling is that I could never trust him like I did, that I could never respect him like I did, that I would never let myself fall in love with him like I did. I am in complete admiration for the people here who find a way through that mistrust and betrayal. You are stronger than I think I could ever be.
Note to self Pooh's words by AA Milne "you're braver than you believe and stronger that you seem, smarter than you think and loved more than you will ever know". Sorry I just had to remind myself that I am more capable than I think I am. I try and catch my less than robust self talk in the moments it happens.
Well that is an update from me. Not many here will recognise me. There are a few who I come by and read. Don't think I haven't been keeping up to date reguarly with your sitch Lady V. My tummy rainbow love is always shining your way. Especially as you bring lightness and liteness back to your life. I hope you get my meaning. There are so many people who have grown. OMG Mustardseed, what a a woman, what strength! PP and Zues men I admire so very much. U-turn my friend and kindred introvert and cycling/coffee buddy.
There so many more who I have not really communicated with, but whose words I read. Your intellgience, humanity, kindness, wisdom brought me so much comfort and insight when I struggled so badly. To Zelda, Sotto and Sunny, Pink, Bob and RD and As Sandi, Wonka, Cadet, HeavyD, Mr Bond, Huddy, Diffrent . I never posted on your threads but I thank you for sharing and letting me gain insight into my life through having just a small peak into yours. You are all blessings!
You know, I couldn't believe two months had passed. I was aware I hadn't heard from you for a while but it felt like weeks. Time moves so quickly. I'm a little sad knowing that these posts will taper off and at some point one of them will be the last...so let me tell you now so I don't regret having missed the opportunity, I am very glad to have met you on these boards and I'll always remember JellyB.
As for your post- I could've written much of it myself. If you read my last post you'll see that I, too, feel just fine on my own, but am further from being ready to date another woman than a giraffe is from winning a limbo contest.
The good news is that I think we're actually pretty healthy. I don't think we're jaded and scarred and paranoid...I just think that relationships are impossible and that everyone is completely untrustworthy, selfish, destructive, entitled, and self-serving. So while this doesn't bode well for our chances of finding companionship, at least I don't think I'm crazy, I just think I'm realistic. Of course I am only kidding. But not really.
Anyway, the reality is how I feel today won't be how I feel in 5 years. I'm sure by then my yearning for a partner will once again cloud my judgment and the rocks won't look so jagged and I'll start to feel optimistic...at that point IC will probably applaud my growth at that point. Hmmm.
OK, ok, I believe I will get there someday. I really do. But the point is that it's all good. Until then I can at least troll your thread and root you on.
PS- that stinks about the lack of weight loss. "Feeling healthier" is like getting a Birthday Card without a check in it. I mean, I'm glad, but I can't wait until your diet does catch up and the weight melts off and you wake up from your surgery looking like a million bucks. Just remember when you do that Zues always thought you were the cat's meow.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You tickled me with your comment about the weight loss and birthday card. Yes this is exactly how I feel. It takes a lot of keep my PMA up, but having read your last post about your pool game, you have provided me with some much needed inspiration to push through and remain focussed with my head in the game. This morning my mind was all over the place in a pity party about the lack of weight loss and I was considering falling off the wagon and getting absolutely wasted on carbs. I did however manage to talk myself around. I have a pattern of giving up when I don't see results after complete commitment. I had to remind myself of the "whys". Why do I want this weight loss?
One important why, is that I don't want to be so insecure about my weight and body with the man I am in a relationship with. It feels like such a big issue, and I realise now that many bad habits I have in a relationship, are attached to this issue and my insecurity. I would like this issue to shrink in size (excuse the pun). It's challenging to realise that it is such an issue for me with the men in my life. I feel unworthy of love due to the "damaged" physical goods - the size and damage of being obese. I want it not to matter anymore. Not to be the first consideration when I see a man that I am attracted to.
Giving some thought to how it plays out in my relationships, I have come to realise it pops up in everything. When I am walking down the street with my partner I worry if my partner is being judge for being with the big girl. I worry about my partner watching every piece of food I put in my mouth or the amount of exercise I am doing. Is he judging me, falling out of love for me because today I had some chocolate and also moaned about feeling fat. How can I possibly be fully present and myself if these are the stupid worries I have! Ridiculous.
I wonder if keeping the weight is a way to keep men away from really seeing me.
Well I have put some of the above aside while I focus on what it right in front of me, which is to get healthy and get this op done. The insecurity issues have to wait for another time. Like you Zues I am waiting to wake up from the surgery and feel like a million bucks. And thank you thinking I'm the cats meow. I think you're pretty awesome too!!
