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asitis #2601322 08/25/15 01:29 AM
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I fell apart during treatment. While I have very little memory of it I do know that I was completely unable to do any DB and that it was very distressing. To make matters worse I had a cancer navigator who was making things worse with my wife. She was yelling at me and very critical. When I got home my wife was yelling the same things at me. At some point when my wife wasn't there I fired the navigator. I was at a very bad point physically and emotionally and knew my marriage was disintegrating. I am having a very hard time with the belief that we would have made it were it not for the cancer. Maybe I am wrong about that but it is certainly how it feels.


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
asitis #2601373 08/25/15 10:00 AM
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Shotgun I never have the chance to say thank you for supporting me and offering me wise advice during that "interesting" period.

Can I just chip in regarding your W during your cancer. It is my dad who had it (leukaemia) and he needed two transplants. My mum was beside herself all the way through, and to a certain extent is. She would argue with him, and made his life not pleasant. To me she didn't know how to deal with it. We were so close losing him and she had conflicted feelings. She also felt hopeless because it was something that she couldn't control or help with.

Maybe this is what your wife felt as she didn't know how to help you, how to offer you support, and at the same time deal with her own feelings. I don't agree with being involved with someone else, but to a certain extent I can understand that she might have needed someone to talk to and to listen to her.

I know she is putting throught a lot, but try to see her views. How would you have felt if it had been her? How would you have been able to support her? What would have been your reactions when it was treatment time? Wouldn't have you been scared and lost? You both had a lot to deal with.

Keep looking after yourself and keep PMA. There is a light at the end if this tunnel. People think I'm crazy but I do believe that things (bad or good) happens to us for a reason. I wouldn't have thought like that few months ago though :-)!

Rouky #2601376 08/25/15 10:54 AM
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Rouky that is a great perspective. I know that the cancer was too much for her. In the first few weeks after diagnosis she was very caring and loving and affectionate. I was also unprepared for how sick I would get. I was in shock from what was happening to my body and my mind. My wife was in therapy during that time but I am not sure how effective her Doctor is. The person who she mostly communicated with was my Sister. It was from that communication that I learned of the extent of her affair. I also accept that no one is prepared to care for the person who is battling the cancer as I felt that even the medical professionals couldn't understand what I was trying to tell them.


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2602125 08/27/15 04:13 PM
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How are you doing? How is your GAL doing?

Rouky #2602338 08/28/15 11:23 AM
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I'm doing a little better Rouky. Thank you for asking. I keep adding weight to my workout routine a little at a time. Seems like there isn't time to take a run these days. I have found yoga to be very relaxing and a good workout. My sister is going with me to yoga now. I have started to fill out the paperwork for the divorce and finding it to be very depressing. Having a tough time deciding if I want to keep doing the rental properties or sell them. Nice income but a lot of stress.

I feel like I have recently gone through the anger stage of grief. My therapist agrees. I do feel the anger is lifting though. Thinking more about the future these days. Also recognizing some of the early signs in my marriage that things were not what I had thought them to be. I heard a song on the radio that I had learned to play and sing to my wife who was my fiance at the time. After playing it and singing it to her she told me how poor my playing and singing were. Should have been a sign or at least an indication that she was not nearly as romantic as I was.

I need to work harder on GAL. I am very tired when I get home from work and do not feel like doing anything socially. I'm having a hard time getting used to not seeing my son every day and it has me depressed. I'll bring that up with my therapist Tuesday.


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2602700 08/29/15 08:01 PM
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At least when you sang it didn't snow :-)!

Can you have a renting agency doing the renting for you? I know they charge more but they are the ones dealing with all the stress.

What kind of film do you like? What book do you like reading? For me GAL isn't about going out of the time but it is reading a good book or watching a movie I love.

I can only imagine what you are going through filling in the paperwork, and not being able to see your son everyday. Could it be possible for you and your wife to have him 50/50?

My view is that if you have been able to beat cancer, you'll get through this too! I think that when a door closes, another one opens. Maybe not now, as you need to go through a process to discover WHO the REAL shotgun is, and once you are happy within yourself that new door will open.

Praying for you. I know that you'll get through this :-)

Rouky #2602922 08/31/15 02:23 AM
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Hi Rouky. Dark days here. Thanks for the ideas. There is a management company that will take care of my rental properties for me. I'm going to look into that as soon as I get the divorce settled.

As for the custody arrangement for my son, I get him half of the time but only in a technical sense. In reality it's much less because of the location of his school and after school activities. I need to let go of some of this as I am very happy that he fits in well at the school and he is happy there. We did have a great weekend however and went camping and to a music festival. He and I are developing quite the repertoire of songs that we can play and sing. He is really quite amazing on several instruments.

Thank you for reminding me of having beat cancer as I sometimes am not as thankful as I should be for having beat it. I do have my life ahead of me and I will find my way. I do need to think real hard on the GAL activities.


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2602929 08/31/15 02:52 AM
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Shotgun, a lot of spouses can't handle a life-threatening illness well. It reminds them of their own mortality for one. It reminds them of how weak they can become. It scares them that the person they have come to rely on is unable to be there for them, and unconsciously they take it as a kind of betrayal. It is not healthy, and this is why IC is so important for the S as well as the patient in those situations: it draws into the consciousness this unconscious reaction so that it can be seen for what it really is and addressed.

So, on the one hand, recognize that your W is far from unusual in this even if it is deeply hurtful that she added abandonment at the moment you needed her most. I know that it contributed to my own M problems, although to a lesser extent than yours obviously. On the other hand, it makes you aware of the fragility of Rs during times of great stress and to appreciate the need to see any future R in a new way. I'd have a lot of trouble forgiving the kind of betrayal you experienced.

And you are turning around and making your difficulty living up to some kind of stoic image of courage that men are supposed to exude. There is a lot of shame for letting your W down, for failing your M, for blaming your own frailty and humanity for the disaster. I'm sure you blame your W a good deal, but the way you put things really screams a particular type of male shame that is something that society saddles us with to our suffering. Please don't see yourself in this way. The reality is that even the strongest of us can be reduced to pleading, begging, weak, dependent creatures. The bravest heroes in the classical Greek heroic literature (read the Iliad for instance) are very different from our pop culture heroes. One minute they are wading through the enemy seemingly beyond human limits. The next they are cowering, running in sheer terror, and with a total loss of dignity. We do ourselves great harm if we don't recognize that all of us can go through such times in our lives. Men are particularly susceptible to this kind of self-loathing, as society has sold us a bill of goods.

Please show yourself some compassion for your weakness. It is a sign of your humanity. It means that you are just like the rest of us. Really. And, the courage comes from your picking yourself up and not letting those times define you. By seeing that you are incredibly courageous and strong to stand up and do some very hard work to get yourself healthy after such an ordeal.

Trust me that I had to go through some of the same process. I reacted to my own weakness and dependence, at my feelings of failing my family (esp. my older S whose dad couldn't be there with him in the way he had for the first 4 years of his life) by throwing myself into regaining my sense of strength and vitality. It was natural (and healthy and good in a practical sense - so I'm not trying to discourage you from continuing to throw yourself into regaining your life), but fortunately I had a therapist who pointed out that I needed to deal with my shame at being laid so low and fear of not being the kind of man none of us could live up to. If you don't have such a therapist, raise the issue yourself in a therapy relationship. It really is a lot of harmful baggage we are much better learning to shed ourselves of.

Man hugs!


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
asitis #2603675 09/02/15 04:12 PM
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Thank you for your kind words Asitis. It touched me reading that I am just like everyone else. I am human and deserving of compassion. I have felt so helpless for so long and have only recently started to stand up for myself. I do recognize that my non-confrontational personality is very unattractive to women. I am working on forgiving myself and getting better at it.


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2603681 09/02/15 04:24 PM
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For me I don't see it as being not confrontational but you were taking into account your W's feelings. I think you just need to learn how to have boundaries :-).

Hugs

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