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Ep, I'm watching this with interest. In the collaborative model, Dr. C is there to watch out for your S, not for either you or your H. So being able to meet with her alone is a good thing, you can explain your point of view without being in a tense situation. Hopefully the feedback you get will make you more comfortable about the 5-way.

Good luck, keep us posted.



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ep0215 Offline OP
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Thank you Sunny - you are right. She is there to protect S's best interest. Thank you for letting me see it in another perspective. That is why I love this forum. That does ease my anxiety...a little


Me:33 H:36
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GAL plans for this weekend were a lot of fun. My Mom and S had a sleep over last night so I got to go out on a Saturday night. That hasn't happened in probably 6 months. I decided to go out with my sister and her friends I hadn't met yet and had the best time. It was the UF alumni pub crawl.

Today S and I are going to have some water fun and then go play at a friends house.


Me:33 H:36
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I'm a ball of nerves and anxiety about this meeting. I know I need to calm down and get my head in the game. I know I have S4's best interest at heart and not my own agenda. I know Dr. C does too, she is there for him. H says he does but I don't believe anything he says anymore.


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Ep, it's pretty common in a D to use our kids as an excuse to do what we want. (It's best for them, really......) So your H might be doing that. But I know you aren't, and that's where the expertise of Dr. C is going to come in. Breathe, hang in there, and be grateful that you and H and Dr C are going to work this out together instead of some judge in a courtroom that isn't trained to deal with children and that's never met any of you. Let us know how it goes, please.

Last edited by SunnyB; 09/01/15 05:25 PM.


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Good Luck, EP...WE know you will do a fine job being there for your son's best interest!!!


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Hi ep,

Good luck on the meeting. I know that even if you are aware that Dr. C is there to protect the interests of your S, the personal stakes are so high for you that it is very normal to be anxious. This will be expected, & not read as something to be concerned with. If anything it shows how worried about your S you are. If H meets w/ her it is all cool, rational argument, Dr is very likely to see this as not being focused on the interests of your S and worried about the outcome for S. That's part of the training & experience. So, relax and just allow yourself to be nervous (I know that sounds odd, but I mean just that - don't pile on your nervousness by being nervous about how you appear. You will appear like a concerned mom. That's in your favor.

On the earlier TM about H's lack of info on your dog, I don't see anything wrong with demanding that you be informed how your dog is doing. It is not about you or him, it is about a loved pet. You have every right to insist on good communication when it comes to your S and your pets (obviously the former is far more important). He is the one being unreasonable here. That said, try to think ahead and communicate your expectations to H so that he can meet them without feeling criticized when he doesn't do what you want but haven't made clear. This is especially true if this is a R pattern with the two of you. Work on changing that.

If there are ongoing problems w/ communication on S, then you present your concerns and ask him for what he thinks would be best to do to improve things for S's sake.

So, practice communicating expectations so that he has a chance to meet them, and then thank him for doing so, rather than expecting him to read your mind (he has shown he can't) and then criticize him (your TM was a very indirect & mild criticism, but what he heard was that he failed and was wrong, just saying). He needs help figuring out how to meet your needs and expectations, and then you can reinforce that with appreciation. A much healthier dynamic/pattern emerges.

Again, good luck on that meeting.


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Ep, how did it go?



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Sorry I haven’t updated you all. I am super swamped at work and was out with my Mom and Sister last night after the 3 hour meeting until 10:00 pm.

Good news – We have a signed parenting plan that is in the best interest of our child.

Bad news – I hate this whole f’ed up process. I am not happy that I only get my child 50% of the time (60/40 school year split and he has to make up the extra overnights throughout the summer and the holiday breaks) and I am sure he feels the same way but this is what he wanted, right? I did not struggle for 3 years of infertility, fight tooth and nail to have a child, to have this happen to us. I feel like I am back to day one in the grieving process. I have been very emotional the last few days.

Dr. C assured me that when I got there yesterday that she knew exactly where I was coming from and has heard my concerns and they are very valid. She said she could take his proposed schedule to any child Psychologist and they would say “are you crazy? You can’t do this to a 4 year old”. She called me to meet early to plan on how to present the final option to the other party and if I am good with this final option. I said yes and we all agreed that if he is still being combative then we will have to go to court. Basically a take it or leave it scenario.

She met with H and his L without me in the room and came back and said that he was in a much better mind set today and he agreed to the proposed plan. Thank goodness! I did stand my ground on narrowing down when he can make up the extra overnights. That is up to him and his problem to solve, I don’t have to do that anymore for him. If he decides it is too much work to figure out and schedule then that is on him and I will get extra time with my S.

We aren’t meeting again until October and that will be over finances. I am freaking out on how I will support my S on my income alone. He will have to give me spousal support because with a 50/50 parenting plan I am getting next to nothing in child support. I just don’t make enough money by myself.

In 4 days I will be on the beach on vacation with my sisters for 7 days so that is my focus for the rest of the week to get out of this funk!

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. I could not have made it through these last few meetings without you.

asitis - I will respond to your post later. I do like what you said about the communication/expectations thing. It is something I haven't wanted to change about our R for a long time but never did/do it right.


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Ep, I'm so glad it worked out this way, that H was reasonable and you could keep it out of court. Everyone thinks court is going to solve everything, but judges are not child-centered and don't even know you or your kid. How can they make an intelligent decision? I'm glad it didn't come down to that.

Do you have a MHP (mental health professional) on your team? Or does Dr. C play that role, too?

I have my first meeting with our MHP tomorrow, and then STBX will see her after that. Our first 5-way is on the 17th. I don't anticipate any child related issues, we've been doing it the same way for 10 months now and works for all of us. My only concern at all is that we've never addressed holidays/birthdays, etc., last year we just did it all together as a family. H showed up early in the morning and we carried on as usual. That won't last forever, I'm sure the duck gave him a good deal of grief over it last year. So we need to make a plan.



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