Hi Vanilla, I have one more thing to add. I realized this while going to IC earlier this year. It maybe a piece of my puzzle you find of value.
First, after the BD early this year, I struggled with all of the emotion. I was prescribed med's for depression. I felt depressed so I agreed to take them. I will be off them by the end of September, weaning off now. Anyway back to the point.
While I was working the job I hated, my drinking changed from a social drinker to one who drank alone. I never drove under the influence, never. It also became a more regular weekend activity. Between the job and my marriage difficulties I was suffering from depression. I think I was self medicating the depression with alcohol.
An interesting twist is what happened when I quit drinking. For the last sober seven years I slowly became codependent with my wife. I thought it was because of the scare of almost losing her. Maybe it was and maybe my unresolved depression was manifesting itself differently.
What do you think Vanilla? Or any other wise intelligent soul out there?
I think V is on to something here. There are usually underlying issues that cause that kind of self-medication. Technically, many of us our alcoholics by the standards often thrown about. Most are just self-medicating. It can get out of hand from there.
Something to look at is how you might have substituted other behaviors for the self-medication of the alcohol when you gave it up? Did you change how you treated your W? Your kids? Yourself? 12 Step programs aren't the only way, but they do force you to confront the issues that underlay a lot of self-medicating and addictive behaviors. Fail to face those, and we usually transfer the dysfunction, distraction, and dulling to other coping strategies that aren't good for us or our Rs.
Not saying this is what you did. Just something to look at with an eye to not blaming yourself for doing so if you find something. It is a learning experience. It is part of the courage you have already obviously shown for standing up and trying to take responsibility for yourself. It is an extension of the excellent job you have done all along this rocky road.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you asitis. My behaviors did change post alcohol. I am much more easy going. I put my families desires in front of mine. I try to be more selfless. I apologize a lot, even when its clearly not necessary. I am lacking confidence.
I think this is all rooted in the fact I nearly did and still may lose everything due to my selfishness, stupidity and ego. I am a desperate man trying to avoid going to the gallows
Take the responsibility for your part, not the responsibility for everything. You have apologized. You have tried to make amends. You have worked on yourself. At some point you have to try to forgive yourself. It was not you who did this. I'm not saying that you are blameless. But we are all all burdened with a lot of baggage from our family of origin, our culture, and those who played larger roles in our lives. We then get into an R with someone with their own baggage from their past. Core beliefs, reflexive habits, poor R skills, societal norms about what romance and love are. There are a lot of forces at play bringing us to the point we are. We woke up from that. Recognizing that it is not all our fault & forgiving ourselves allows us to stand up and work to ensure that we are better from here on out. That is all we can hope for. That is enough. That is courageous. That is not the typical response.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
This was where I was headed but you and as seem to have preempted my thoughts.
I think that you skipped some important evaluative steps when giving up the alcohol which is why the codependency emerged. You see AA isn't just to give up alcohol, twelve steps is a process of healing, to address the underlying. Giving up alcohol for good is the purpose but replacing one addiction with another is counter productive. The work still has to be done to heal. You could consider a codependency 12 step group.
I have more thinking to do because the question is how do we resolve this so that a new compulsion doesn't emerge.? Nail it for good this time and heal.
My common sense is telling me that the answer lies further back than pivot point and I would like you to find the origin of this so you can heal, then there is real work to do in real life.
I note that you worked for FIL and put everyone's interests above your own, antisocial hours etc, including putting your own hopes and dreams on hold. That is huge to put your own ambitions and satisfaction to one side, permanently! It's no wonder you were unhappy.
Was that always your pattern? To sacrifice yourself for others?
When did that type of pleasing start? Was it before you met WW?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/29/1508:40 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
photoka, thank you for the support you posted earlier in this thread. I never got to thank you. Your words make me feel good. I struggle to get past the things I have done, with it still haunting my wife.
asitis, your wisdom is incredible, you have given me perfect advice. Thanks
Vanilla, I'll answer later. We are away on a long weekend so only the phone is available. Going for a swim, ttyl
Hey mutatio. Haven't seen you post here in a bit. Just checking in. I hope you are doing a little better.
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
Hello Solo15 and the rest of my friends. I am back from a journey to the sunshine state.
Things here are the same, not better, not worse. So I view that as a "half full" situation.
I am trying not to let the disappointments get me down. Whats the point, I cannot affect change directly. Only through indirect change (my choices for my life) can I hope to improve my marriage.
I am thinking about my response to your last questions Vanilla. I am not sure I can answer thoughtfully until after I drive my daughter back to college this weekend. I will miss her. I like our spelunking my mind Vanilla.
A question for you good people. I have discovered thru IC and talking with mental health professionals a fact about my bad behavior during the worst years of my marriage.
I was very unhappy working for my FIL. He was great but I grew to hate the job and performed poorly do to a bad skill set match. I now see I was began suffering from depression during those 16 years. Males suffering from depression may display anger issues. All the behavior issues (anger, drinking, control) fit in this model and time line.
My question: Should I tell my wife of this revelation/information in the hopes that she will reevaluate my behavior and no longer think that behavior is at the core of my being and instead part of a past medical issue.
I would really like to do this in the hope that she would more inclined to reconcile with me. Opinions please.
