My husband of almost 4 years told me 2 months ago that he was unhappy and had been for a long time and he was missing pieces. He wanted to separate and he was going to find an apartment closer to his job. He said I was negative and I ruined every experience he has had. He missed adventuring and I was to blame. We agreed to separate for at least 3 months and re-evaluate the situation. He moved out almost a month ago and I have barely heard from him since. Before he left, he said he would see me on Monday's, but he hasn't seen me any of those days. He has been facebook messaging an old girlfriend of his for several years. She lives over 3,000 miles away and he says they are just friends. He saw her in May for the first time in years. I believe he is having an emotional affair with her, but he can't see that is what it is.
He now asked if I was busy on Monday (which I am and I replied as much). He asked when I was free and said he needed to talk to me. I have a feeling he is going to ask for a divorce. He stopped wearing his ring and told his mom that he didn't want to lead me on.
We very rarely fought and had a good marriage. This is all coming as a shock to me and he does not want to do anything to fix the problems. I don't believe he has given this enough time or thought to be able to ask me for a divorce. I want to tell him that he needs to give it more time to think about if this is what he really wants. We did agree to separate at least 3 months. Should I ask him to wait another month and see how he feels then? Or is that just delaying the inevitable? Or pushing him farther away? I want our marriage to work and I think we can come out of this stronger and with a better marriage.
Hi Lost, welcome to the club that no-one wants to join. I'm sorry for your situation, but glad you have found the forum. I notice you decided to post in MLC, can you give us a few details about your H? How old is he and what made you decide to post in this area? Have you read much about MLC at all?
For most men who leave, there is normally a woman somewhere in the wings. As you say, it is likely at least an EA from your description. As for meeting up, when you do - be aware that the more you resist (you haven't given this enough time, we agreed 3 months) the more he is likely to want out. My advice would be to dig deep, listen (really listen) to what he has to say, and if he wants to D, say to him you are sorry he feels the need to take this step but you respect his choice and won't stand in the way if this is what he wants. You can also let him know that D isn't your choice and that you won't enable a D that you don't want.
He then may or may not follow through with that. Your response may surprise him and stop him in his tracks perhaps? Have you read DB or DR? I recommend DR as the more up to date of the two and it also has a chapter on MLC. I have also found the stuff on the Hearts Blessings website useful. Have a read of some of the sitches in this part of the forum too. There are some wise posters here...
Above all, look after you as best you can, focus on not making things worse (by pressuring, begging etc.) and keep your head above water. You are on a rocky path here and things may get worse before they get better.
Take care, Sotto xx
Last edited by Sotto; 08/31/1508:16 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Hi Lost, welcome to MLC forum. Sorry you find yourself here.
Originally Posted By: lost11
My husband of almost 4 years told me 2 months ago that he was unhappy and had been for a long time and he was missing pieces. He wanted to separate and he was going to find an apartment closer to his job. He said I was negative and I ruined every experience he has had. He missed adventuring and I was to blame.
This is very similar to what my H said at BD, except for the apartment thing (he was already working in another state, away from home.)
Sotto is absolutely to the point, that when men leave, they most likely have somebody in the wings, even if it is just a “friend”. I also agree with Sotto that you don’t need to help him in D, if he decides to go that route. My H brought the D subject about 2 ½ years ago. It’s been three years after BD and he still hasn’t filed. I also thought that we had a decent marriage and rarely fought. So, it was a surprise to me too.
I can’t really tell you if you need to ask him for additional time after three months. My H said that he wanted to separate and see what happens. Later, when I asked him if he made any decision about our M, he was surprised and said that he already told me that he didn’t want to be married to me anymore ( I guess they forget what they tell us… MLC mind…) This conversation was after he hooked up with a girl and was making plans to have a relationship with her. I wish I was on this board at that time. I could have handled things differently.
I’m glad you found this site. You will get a lot of great advice here.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
My H is 29, I am 33. I know it is little early for a MLC, but I feel there are some signs that point to it. Him not really having any real reasons to leave. He also has recently become friends with several 24 year olds. We opened a gaming store together almost 2 years ago and I think he is finding out it is more of a responsibility than he originally intended. The gaming store was his childhood dream and I think part of him is scared of failing. Before running the store, he hopped from job to job and pretty much just showed up for a paycheck - he had no real commitment to the job.
The store is over an hour away from our home and in the 6 months or so, he would come home later and later each night. I spent my weekends helping him at the store to spend time with him. His new apartment is in the same town as the store is in.
I have always been the breadwinner in our relationship, supporting him financially, especially since opening the store.
I have read DR and several of the threads on this forum. I have been trying the LRT, but I don't know how well I have been doing at it. I haven't begged him to come back or told him I loved him since the BD. I have pursued him somewhat, but I stopped in the last 2 weeks.
I did agree to meet with him yesterday. He told me he is really happy now and he hasn't been happy for at least 3 years. He also now thinks he never really wanted to marry me. He did not ask for a divorce or anything and what he said seemed to be well-scripted in his head. I asked him why he couldn't wait another month to see if this is really what he wanted. He said he respected me too much to keep leading me on. To which I said, he didn't respect me enough to try to work on our marriage. I asked him once if he wanted to try to work on it and he said he doesn't. He said he loves me, but he is not in love with me and he has no romantic feelings for me whatsoever. He truly believes he is happy being on his own after 4 weeks.
I asked him if he regretted marrying me. He said no because he enjoyed a lot of the experiences we shared. I interrupted him and implied that he wouldn't have the store (the source of his supposed newfound happiness) without me. After that he stormed out without and left without saying goodbye.
He has since defriended me on facebook. The store has a facebook page and he removed me from that. He also changed his status to remove that he is married. I think the last comment I made has really upset him and I think I ruined all chances of getting back together with him.
Has anyone else's spouses left and said they were happier than the have been in a long time after leaving?
I don't believe he is truly happy now. He lived in apartments before, but he always had a roommate. He has never lived on his own before and I think he is enjoying the novelty of it more than being happy. I know he hasn't been unhappy for years. Ever since we started the store, he has seemed happier than ever. I think seeing his "friend" a three months ago is what has changed his feelings for me. He is rewriting the past to make himself feel better for doing this to me.
I do believe he is making the biggest mistake of his life and he will regret it someday. I just keep waiting for the fog to clear on his new infatuation with his "friend." He is still insistent that they are "just friends."
I got a message from my H that he called the bank to see if he could take his name off of my account. Apparently the only way to do so is to close the account. He made a passive aggressive comment about me either trusting him with access or closing the account.
I just replied that I trusted him. I haven't heard anything since - I didn't really expect to.
He admitted to his sister that he could have handled his talk with me better.
Has anyone had their WAS tell them they are happier since leaving?
Yep, they sure do love to say that they are happier after leaving. That's the MLC script talking. Why wouldn't they be happier? Heck, they've got their freedom, no ties to home, and yes, you are the one that is taking care of the home responsibilities, being a full time parent, etc. They don't have to deal w/real life on a daily basis. They are kids that have run away from home w/no responsibilities.
I'm not surprised that he attempted to take his name off the account. Many of them want to cut all ties and his comment about you not trusting him...well, he doesn't trust himself. That comment is called "projection". You may see more of this as he travels the MLC path.
Read all that you can on MLC and depression.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
First of all, I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.
Second....please protect yourself financially. Run a credit report to make sure that he hasn't been running up debts that you don't know about. Go over the books for the business. Make sure he isn't hiding money. See an attorney to learn your financial rights.
He might just be temporarily besotted in an affair. Or he might have always pined after the old girlfriend and now that she's making herself available he believes she's the one he should be with. He may be failing in the business and trying to hide that from you. Or he may simply be an irresponsible Peter Pan who doesn't want to grow up.
It's even possible, given your admission that you have been the breadwinner, that he used you to achieve his dream, and now that he has it, doesn't need you.
I'm sorry if some of these possibilities sound harsh. You deserve someone who adores you and wants to be an equal partner. Sometimes when we love, we ignore big red flags waving in our face.
Were there red flags about him that you ignored? Why do you think you picked such an immature guy?
Up until now, I have been involved in the business - especially in the books. He doesn't really have any credit cards of his own. I spent almost every weekend helping him at the store and working on projects he didn't want to do. There is a strong possibility he will lose the store without me - even his family thinks so. I have transferred most of the money from the checking account already into another account that is just my own.
I am not sure about the red flags. I think I am still looking at the relationship through rose-colored glasses. I have been mostly focusing on what I could have done better. I know I wasn't as emotionally supportive to him as he needed and I know that is something I need to focus on improving with myself. Not just for our relationship, but for future relationships.
My sister never liked him and thought he didn't treat me well enough. She was the only one though an she felt that way because he didn't treat me the way her husband treated her.
I have always been pretty independent and don't need any one to take care of me. My H was able to provide companionship and we had a lot of great experiences together.
"Independent and don't need anyone to take care of me" sometimes translates into "I don't trust that anyone will love me enough to provide the same level of care and support that I give to a partner so I will pretend that I don't need it"
Don't dismiss you're sister's opinion of your spouse. She may be seeing things you don't. My family didn't say anything but they didn't exactly fall in love with my ex when we were dating; I should have paid more attention to that.
And while the BEST part of the DB process is self examination and change.....were you REALLY unsupportive of him, or just tired of not getting your needs met and carrying the weight in this relationship?
Hi Lost. I see a lot of myself in you from what you have posted, same with your H in mine.
First off, many of these situations include an affair, but not all. I believe sometimes they get tempted by one, and that alone sends them spinning with self doubt of their feelings with themself and with the spouse. Just my opinion.
The main thing to do is take the focus off of your husband and put it on you. You sound like a strong person, but this step is really hard to do. Distract yourself with friends, hobbies and doing things you enjoy. It gets easier after time.
When my H moved out 7 months ago, he was practically skipping while moving things out while me and our son sat there. He was ecstatic about it. He seemed very happy at first, but It seemed to wear off about 6 months later and I see signs of the loneliness creeping into his world now. He just wanted space and time alone, no sign of OW in his world. I think the best thing I did was step back, give him that space, and go about my life.
Recently H is nicer, more giving and asks to spend time with me and son here and there. He even asked to go on vacation with us a month ago, a first in 2 years.
My advice, give your H that space to deal with his demons. Don't take it personal, the biggest lesson I learned here is that this journey he is on is not about you. No marriage is perfect, there are always issues. Don't beat yourself up when looking back, take the opportunity now to make changes in yourself that you see need changing. Use this time to work on yourself, it's the only thing you can control in this mess.
Good luck, stay strong, and keep posting.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Hi Lost, I am sorry you find yourself here, but its a club full of very sympathetic and caring members, so welcome.
I dont have much advice for you, just wanted to say you are not alone and to listen to the great advice you will get as it really will get you through this journey you are now on.
My h told me that he did not think our marriage had been right since we had our youngest son 21 yrs ago and he just hung in there hoping it would get better ! Now he tells a different story, in fact does not remember saying it. They will say and do anything that suits them at the time, its all about getting out and living the fantasy that they have built up in their heads - the better life they feel they have and are missing out of. Reality is that once the shine has gone they will look at the destruction they have caused and be completely baffled how they got themselves into this.
You sound like you are a strong and independent person, that is a great start to gaining back control of your own life, as this is what this is about - YOU. I suggest you read all you can on MLC and depression, read threads here and post on them. Ask questions, vent or just tell us about your day, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Hi Lost- I just want to chime in that I heard a similar script at BD. My H said the most incredulous things and then 1 day later did not remember saying any of it! That's what sent me hunting for answers.
At BD he told me he was done with me and demanded I leave him alone/stop coming to talk to him. He moved downstairs. Months later as the fog lifted and he started to come around he told me he knew I didn't care about him because I never came to his room! I reminded him with a truth dart of all he demanded, told him I was honoring his wishes and then he remembered. But there are many, many things--extraordinary things--he does not remember saying at all. What little correspondence I have in writing, I have kept just to reassure myself that I did not imagine this kind of crazy.
You are looking for answers. The best thing you can do is read everything you can on MLC and depression. It will help you tremendously.
I don't have much advice to give you except to take care of yourself. Cadet writes in his introduction that you have been given the gift of time. I didn't get that at all at first. Post frequently and you must focus time on you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am sorry to see you here. But everyone here is wonderful And I have been told that he is the happiest he has been since leaving me. Some days I question if he really is having a MLC. If you need to talk, you can count on me:)
Thanks everyone. It's good to know I am not alone in all of this.
I am keep telling myself this is an opportunity to grow as a person and improve things within myself. Sometimes it is easier to believe than others.
My H is going to a convention this weekend for the store. Before all of this, I was planning to go and was actually looking forward to it. Now I have a sinking feeling they are going to meet up there.
I sometimes wonder if this is a MLC or just an affair. I think he is totally infatuated with his "friend." He doesn't seem to be depressed at all. In fact, he seems happier than ever.
Is it silly to still hope he will come back? I know things can never be the way they were, but I do think they can be so much better. I just wish he could see it.
I sometimes wonder if this is a MLC or just an affair. I think he is totally infatuated with his "friend." He doesn't seem to be depressed at all. In fact, he seems happier than ever.
SEEMS - remember that word. He may seem to be happier and for a short while he will be as he is on his high, but like any drug the high will soon be followed by a low and then he will look for his next fix. Don't be sucked in by attempting to work out what is going on in his head, it is impossible to know. The only sure thing you have is knowing what you are thinking and feeling.
Originally Posted By: lost11
Is it silly to still hope he will come back? I know things can never be the way they were, but I do think they can be so much better. I just wish he could see it.
Nope it is not silly at all to keep the hope your h will come through this and want to return to you. What would be silly is to stand still and wait for him to do it, there are no guarantees with this process, so now its about making you stronger and moving on with your own life so that if/when he does want to return it will be your decision and on your terms. Sadly I am going to say those horrible words that we all loath but come to understand the reason for them - Time and Patience.
There is no easy fix,, we all wish for the magic wand to be waved in the beginning, but I for one am glad no one did as I have become a changed women, a more independent, strong and outgoing person as a result of this journey - I will never tell my h that though !!
Lost, you are feeling and doing all the right things, its a lot to take in and process. Keep healthy and put yourself 1st.
Lost I am so sorry you are in this situation but the folks on this board will be your strength when you are overwhelmed and they will have your best interest when it seems like nobody else can possibly understand how you are feeling or what you need.
Please take care of yourself and make your own well being your top priority. This can't be emphasized enough. be kind to yourself and be good to yourself. If your H is in MLC then you will be having to deal with a lot for a long time.
Each situation is unique yet MLC seems to come with a playbook of sorts. It's kind of scary how so many people follow the same script. Hang in there and please remember that you are going to get through this.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I went to a counselor today. It went pretty well, I have some things to work on. My self-esteem has never been great. Given all this, it is pretty bad right now.
One question I have is, does it work for the relationship to have no contact? Except for a week and a half ago, he hasn't contacted me since he moved out. And then it was to tell me he is happy and he isn't in love with me. It seems like any time I contacted him, he either ignored me or he had some excuse not to see me.
I just don't see how we can improve our relationship if we have no contact. But, he doesn't seem to want any contact from me.
sometimes having no contact might spur his curiosity; On the board they say GAL..get a life..do things for you take up a new interest make plans with a friend They sometimes wonder what you are doing
But as I understand it, we have to do it for us Many years back, when I was trying to get my xh back, the coach told me to try different things and see if anything I did brought XH closer some things seem to make the relationship smoother ..but in my situation we never reconciled
some things that seemed to help keep the relationship stay smooth were:
not initiating contact making plans and doing things for me on my own not asking questions or how he felt about the relationship being very validating and supportive of his choices and needs listening without venting back being available when he chose to visit the kids or felt like talking not critizing his decision to leave
you are very new at this great that you went to counseling try to take care of yourself
many more things you can do for yourself make sure you eat, rest ,pray sleep exercise read meditate
vent on the board women's support groups are good it helps to be able to talk it out with there women especially those who have travelled the road and many have
good luck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Today is a rough day for me. My H is going to a convention starting today for the store. Before the BD, I was supposed to go with him. We went last year and had a great time. I was really looking forward to going.
It is upsetting to me that he can just move on so quickly with his life. He is acting almost as if I never existed in his life.
He is being so selfish right now. I want things to work with us, but I know I don't want him the way he is acting right now.
Im Sorry I know how hard it can be I also could never understand how xh could get let me go without a care
I think they do care, but something seems to happen to them almost suddenly and they seem so set on their path
If it is MLC or something similar..there is NO reaching them
The LBS spouse in MLC has to bear the full burden, the pain, the responsibilities and the kids
You say you have a business together,,We did also I would definitely get into the bank records and bills and check how much money is going out
We have to protect ourselves and assets because these guys in MLC or any Life crisis seem to spend and spend
they become opposite of what they were
It is worthwhile to seek legal advice,,,not to get a D ,but just to learn your rights You H may have been good with money before, but he is no longer the same man
hang in there
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Well, it's been over 2 weeks since my H has contacted me. I did hear from his sister that he made it home and back from the convention ok. I guess he did say it wasn't as good this year. I am not sure if that is because I wasn't there, but I am sure he wouldn't admit it.
I have been trying to keep myself busy. I have been going out with friends a couple nights a week and working on my house the other nights.
This weekend, my cousin is getting married. Most of the family doesn't know that my H left. I am not really looking forward to the wedding. I am not sure what I will say if anyone asks me where my H is. Pretty much everyone I have told is shocked that he left. A lot of people are surprised that he is the one that left. From the outside looking in - to most people, it seems like if anyone was going to leave, it should have been me.
I don't know if I should try to contact him again. Has anyone had much luck contacting their WAS? If I did contact him, it would be about something light - no R talk at all.
Thanks for all of the support! It has been really helpful to hear from people in similar situations.
I had another counseling session today. I feel like I am more confused now than before. It seemed like she was encouraging me to contact my H.
I feel like I am in a no-win situation with my marriage. He basically said the last time we talked that he didn't want to talk to me and un friending me on facebook kind of cemented the whole thing. So if I contact him, it will most likely just make him mad. If I don't contact him, will he just forget about me? Also, the longer we have no contact, the farther apart we grow from each other.
Does no-contact really help with the marriage, or does it just make the LBS feel better.
Looking back at our marriage, I would guess my husband's biggest complaint would be that I was not emotionally supportive enough. So is not contacting him just more of the same?
Yes, if the problem in the marriage was that you were aloof and not present, it might be a 180 to contact him - but that's not really the story you're telling. And right now he's in the middle of his fantasy. You contacting him will seem like you're clinging. You mysteriously being quiet and getting out and having a fabulous time GALing - will make him curious. You see, they like to think you're home crying waiting to see if he'll pick you as plan B. They never think you might be out having fun on your own - and it usually makes them stop and think if you do.
So get out and have fun. Protect yourself financially (consult a lawyer if you haven't already). And if you HAVE to contact him, do it with something legit (like, say, something business-related that you have to ask him) and end it quickly on YOUR term ("Sorry H, my "friend" just arrived at the door, I have to go".)
I still think there's a lot about your husband that you might decide, after a while, he's not the one for you - the fact that your friends and family were surprised that you didn't leave him should tell you something! But whether you'll want him back when the time comes or not, pursuing him now will just chase him away, while being mysterious and intriguing may draw him in.
Lost - I can only tell you about my personal experience with NC.
I went complete no contact, my h started to email me every couple of months, just a "hi, how are you" one. I returned with light chit chat and nothing more. Then a few months ago he rang me, he talked about how his life has turned to custard and how much he misses me in his life. He also said he had wanted to contact me many times but did not feel he had the right to do so after what he did to us. Even today, now we are communicating again, I try not to contact him first.
NC works for both of you. It gives you the breathing space to start walking on your own path. If you contact your h he could see it as pursuing him, he currently wants his freedom, not to have to answer to anyone but himself. It does not matter if you did not talk any r, you are a reminder of his old self, the one he is currently running from. I know it is hard but remain strong and distract yourself when you feel the temptation, the feeling will pass and you will be pleased you didn't give in.
It sounds like your c may not be fully understanding of a MLC so be careful of what advice is given.
Lost I have the same question. Is NC really for us - the LBSs ? Cause I think that is exactly what my H wants.,i feel like for him it ismbetter when i am "out of sight out of mind" then he doesn't feel guiltym
Hi Jpeg - currently we text a few times during the week and speak at weekends. We live away from each other so have not seen each other for a year, but that is about to change. The texts go from day to day chit chat, to flirty.
BD (ilybnilwy speech) was April 14 (but this has been brewing on and off since 2000) and he left June 14. OW came on scene Aug 14. He bounced back to me Sept 14 and I last saw him Oct 14. I went complete NC at that point. He went back to OW and they moved in together Jan15.
He emailed Nov 14, Feb 15 and then rang me March 15. In May 15 he rang me, he was broken and confused. Since then contact got more regular, he professed his desire to get me back a few weeks ago, left ow and is now in psychotherapy to sort out his head and make him whole again. Some weeks we talk/text every day and some weeks can go by with nothing (but that is rare now), he is figuring out who he is and I am figuring out what I want, so until then we are taking this slowly. (job, if you're reading this, yep I do listen to you :o) )
I am ok with this, actually it suits me as I have to adjust to this new situation too. I have rebuilt my life, I was completely destroyed and lost everything so having the breathing space to focus solely on me has been the best thing that happened. I have a job, home and friends, I have my own life that I decide what happens in. A lot has changed about me and I really do believe NC helped me move along quicker.
And for h - he told me that no matter what I did or said he would have done whatever he wanted to anyway, there was no stopping this. He has said that none of this has come from a sane place, he regrets and hates himself for who he has become and is now taking steps to fix himself.
Contacting and harassing him would have just pushed him further away from me. I told him twice, one in the June before he left and again in November before I went away:" if anything changes then never sit there and not say anything, I love you and will always be here if you need me." Then I left him alone.
Its hard, seriously hard. At times the temptation is really strong to just send a text "hi" - distract yourself. When the time passes you will be pleased you didn't do anything. I ask myself - am I prepared to feel the pain if I don't get the answer I want back .....my answer is no.
Thank LouR that does help A Lot. Especially to hear that he did regret his actions and that he told you so. The pain this is causing not just me but our kids is an unbarable crushing burden
kml - Sometimes I think you may be right - I may decide I don't want him back when he decides he wants to work things out. And that thought kind of scares me. I know things can never be the way they were and I deserve for them to be better.
LouR- thanks for sharing it does help to hear that things can turnaround.
I do think he considers me plan B - I am the safe, predictable bet for him.
Just keep your expectations at zero at all times. No one knows if your spouse will come out of this and what they will be like if/when they do. Some are full of remorse and sadness for the destruction and pain they have caused and some are not.
This journey is about you now so focus on rebuilding yourself.
I heard from my MIL the other day. It seems things are not going so well for m H. He has a big event at the store this weekend, which he is stressed about. Apparently there is also an event in the street in front of the store, where they are closing off the street. So access to the store is going to be limited. The last couple weeks in the store haven't been as good as the previous months and customers have been annoying him.
Our anniversary is next week. I doubt I will hear from him. Do any of you hear from your WAS at your anniversary?
I have been keeping myself busy. Went shopping yesterday and I will spend most of the weekend with my niece and nephew. Then I am out of town for work the first couple days next week. I travel a fair amount with my job - it averages about once a month. It is always nice to get away, even if it is for work and not pleasure.
The counselor told me to set some goals for myself for the next couple months and the next year. I have never been much of a goal setter, so this is definitely something new (and challenging) for me.
I hope everyone is doing well and thanks for the support!
Hi lost - My 24th anniversary is tomorrow so will let you know if h acknowledges it or not. Last year he text "weird day, not sure what to say" !!
Glad to see you are keeping busy and doing things with people you love. Its good to have goals, be realistic with them, have achievable ones and maybe a way out one that you can dream about lol. Mine is to buy a house by the sea .........one day ....just need to win the lottery first ha ha. But setting yourself targets to head towards is good, even if it is just to get through a week without crying - which was one of my early ones !!
Well Done, you are doing well and moving in a forwards direction. Have a good weekend.
Thanks LouR. The logical part of me knows either way I will come out of this situation better. Sometimes I have a hard time convincing my heart.
I heard from H yesterday. The bank we were banking at for the store changed hands and he must not have gotten the new debit card. He was just asking if I had gotten any mail for him from the bank. Almost accusing me of not getting him his mail. He has forwarded his mail to his new address and I have gotten any mail for him for over a month.
He was all business in his email, so I responded in kind letting him know I hadn't received any of his mail. I am guessing he either didn't receive the new debit card yet or he threw it away thinking it was junk mail. I knew the bank changed hands, but did not tell him. I had debated about telling him, but I figured he would find out eventually.
Oh well, he can think what he wants to think about me. I would not do anything to deliberately hurt him.
Tomorrow is our 4th anniversary. I am hoping for some kind of response from H, but I am not really expecting anything.
I just got back from my work trip and I am planning to spend tomorrow with my niece and nephews - they are good distractions for me - the oldest is 13 and the youngest is 4.
It seems like after every trip I take, I get a new perspective on my situation.
It's good practice to keep your expectations very low when you are dealing w/someone in crisis. You just never know what they will or won't do. If you get a card, thank him. They love to be recognized for their efforts.
Enjoy the time you spend with your niece and nephew. They are definitely good distractions!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I did not hear anything from him on our anniversary. Today he contacted me about business matters related to the store. He was all business and I responded the same way. At least he waited until today to contact me. It would have been really crappy for him to contact me on our anniversary with strictly business issues.
Yesterday was a good day with my family. I seem to get better everyday. I am sad he is gone, but I am trying to do my own thing. For now, I hope that he comes back, but I am not sure if he will.
Last night was rough for me. We usually took a weekend trip to celebrate our anniversary and I think it is starting to get to me.
I spent some time with H sister and mom yesterday. H seems to be acting nasty to everyone he knows from his former life before the store. I am not sure how he is acting with people from the store and his new friends there.
He apparently told his mom that during our last discussion over a month ago, he was trying to be amicable and I was just nasty to him. He told her I said he was worth nothing without me. It is amazing how he can twist that conversation so much.
During that conversation, he started it off by saying after he had been away from me for a month that he was happier than he had been for three years - we've only been married for 4 now. So basically he told me he had been unhappy for most of our marriage and now that he is away from me he is so happy. Then he proceeded to tell me that when he bought the engagement ring, he felt he had 2 choices, to dump me or to marry me. How is that being amicable? Then at the end of the conversation I asked him if he regretted marrying me. He said no, I enjoyed all of our experiences. I interrupted him and said "and the store?" He then stormed out. Now he is twisting that and saying I told him he was worth nothing? At least his family doesn't believe that I told him that.
He is making me out to be this horrible person. He is the one that left out of the blue without even trying. Now he is making me seem like this evil person. I know he is just trying to justify leaving that way. He may also believe it, who knows?
I guess hearing how he is portraying me, makes me realize he is not coming back anytime soon, if ever. That makes me sad. It also makes me sad that he can think such bad things about me, especially when none of it is true.
Sorry for the rant! I know things will get better and I don't want him back the way he is being right not. Sometimes, it is just hard to convince my heart.
I'm sorry that you had a rough day yesterday. I do hope that you have something nice planned for today.
MLCers do act nasty and distant w/old friends, co-workers and family. Their new friends become they best buds and they become the focal point in their lives.
MLCers rewrite history and say that they've been unhappy 1, 2, 3 and more years of the relationship. If they had been that unhappy for that many years, you would have known it. So, take this MLC lingo w/a grain of salt. They tend to twist things around and yes, at that moment, they believe what they are saying.
MLCers tend to vilify us in order to justify what they are doing. They can't look in the mirror and admit that they are doing something wrong. It has to use and the relationship that is causing them to be so unhappy.
Leave him to his crisis. You can't rationalize w/him right now because he's emotional and isn't thinking as clearly as he should be. He's playing the victim and "me" game of life right now.
Try to keep the focus on you. It will take time, but you will need to detach a bit more. Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I spent last week fairly busy, but spent most of the time at home. I made my first ever batch of grape jam. It turned out pretty good. I made some stuff for a bake sale this week at work also.
I had a little contact with H this week. During our marriage, he paid for 3 bills - my cell phone, the car insurance and the cable / internet. I thought he was still going to pay for these things. I am paying for his health insurance. I wrote him a check last week for the bills he was paying. He asked me what the check was for and I told him it was for the bills. He responded saying he thought he owed me money rather than me owing him (because of the health insurance). I didn't respond to him, but he did cash the check.
I changed my cell phone over earlier in the week. Unfortunately, I had to contact him for the account information. He was nice enough to send me the information and I got the phone switched over.
Yesterday he contacted me asking why I hadn't changed over the cable bill to my name. I told him I didn't know I was supposed to. I asked him how much the bill was for and he responded. Apparently he did not pay last month's bill. He had no problem cashing my check for it though. I am pretty angry about it. I told him part of the check was for the cable bill. I was able to switch everything over to my name online, so at least that's one less thing for me to do.
Maybe it's childish, but I don't want to owe him anything or intentionally have anything he can throw back at me. He is already holding so much against me. It's like he was keeping a running list of everything I did slightly wrong the entire time we were together. And now it's justifying what he is doing.
It is strange that he keeps finding something to contact me about though. He contacted me 3 times this week and even asked if the phone transferred ok.
I have my next counseling session tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. I have a busy week ahead with a couple work trips and a work dinner tomorrow.
My counseling session went pretty well yesterday. I think I went the whole session without crying - a big step for me!
The counselor pointed out some things that I hadn't thought about. Apparently, H seems to tell his mom he is happier than he has been in a long time. The counselor said this doesn't really sound like someone who is truly happy. People who are truly happy don't go around telling people they are happy. I hadn't really thought of it that way before. I just thought he was happy without me.
Up until now, I have been keeping myself busy mostly working on my house and cleaning / going through things and going out with friends or family. I am ready to start trying something new, but I could use a few suggestions. The counselor said I should try to have at least 5 ideas of things to do just in case some of them don't work out.
Does anyone have any suggestions or GAL activities that have worked well for them? I can really be a creature of habit and sometimes have a hard time brainstorming things to do.
You could join a gym, book club, discover a new hobby, take a class and/or take up dancing. Some people have taken dance classes and have loved them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I took on home improvement projects, major spring cleaning, yoga, online cooking classes, gardening and reading. I also made sure to spend time with friends who were supportive of my choice to stand, positive and fun.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I volunteer at a charity bookstore, which is great. I also go to yoga and aquafit classes. For a while I went to a book group and I belong to a calligraphers group who run monthly workshops. I'm joining a divorce support group next month, and I joined a women's social group who are pretty active. I also have a mantra of 'accept all invites' now. Before I would have been much more cautious/shy and now I just say yes.
Maybe think along some different avenues - keep fit, classes, creative, volunteering, social, educational, support, church (if you are a believer) and so on....the world is your oyster - but I think the main things are to find things you truly will enjoy and also extend your boundaries with the elements of new activites and meeting new people.
Good luck xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You've already been given some great ideas. One of the things that carried me through those early days is that I created music playlists and I danced A LOT at home. It is really hard to be down if you are dancing!
I also created stations on Pandora and danced to those too. Lol!
I pulled from music before H - music that reminded me of carefree days! Obviously I would steer clear of music that reminds you of times w/H! Pick songs from happy, youthful days.
Personally, I definitely tried to fatigue my body so my mind could rest more. I hiked to music, took up rollerblading and played tennis (which is super social!)
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thanks everyone for all the great ideas. A lady I work with invited me to join her book club. Their next meeting is on Tuesday - I am planning to go. I still need to finish the book though. I have been thinking about starting my own book club too.
I have been busy lately traveling for work. I have another trip at the end of this week. I am spending next weekend out of town with a friend. Then I am off for another trip for work.
Not much news on the H side of things. I haven't heard anything from him in 2 weeks.
Hi Lost, I just happened to come across your thread and am reeling over the similarities between our situations. I'm sorry you are going through this. It seems bonkers to throw in the towel so soon into a lifelong commitment, doesn't it? This is that "for better or for worse" clause in the contract.
Over the last 18 months, It wasn't that clear to me that my h could have been going through MLC because he was blaming me for EVERYTHING and I kind of just took it, curled into a ball and died a little bit... It wasn't until we physically separated that the tension could just break. I've been working on myself and have been DBing since June, and now that I'm removed from the sitch( not yet detached) I can see how loopy h's behavior has been. This is hands down the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.... Just wanted you to know that I truly sympathize with you and I hope the best for you and am sending you strength!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Well, I haven't heard anything from husband in several weeks. I can look at his internet searches. Yesterday he searched divorce papers. He has not said anything to me about it. I am not sure if he will or if he will just have me served with papers. I am kind of in shock. I didn't really think he would file - I guess he still might not, but it doesn't look good. It is hard to understand how someone can just wake up one day and not love you anymore. I just don't understand why he couldn't even try to work on our marriage. Any suggestions on what to do if he does file?
I know I need to work on myself and I have been trying. This is just such shock for me.
Other than this new news, I have been keeping myself busy. I just got back from an out of town work trip. It was pretty good.
So I still haven't heard anything from H. It's been almost a month since he last texted me. I haven't seen him in over 2 months.
I feel like I am regressing a little bit. I have recently been thinking of contacting H. I know during our marriage, I was not good at telling him how I was feeling. I guess I never thought my feelings were important enough, so I would not express them. Another part of that was that he would get angry at me if he did not like what I had to say. So I have been thinking about contacting him and telling him face to face how I have been feeling these last couple months and apologize for some of the things I did in the past. Until he left, I did not realize how much I loved him. I miss him every day.
Since the BD, I have not told him I loved him. I told him once that I thought we could work things out. I have tried to seem happy and not cry in front of him. One of the things he said during the BD was that he thought I didn't necessarily want to be married to him, I just wanted to be married.
Would this be a mistake? It seems like it might be a 180 since I did not no this in the past. I guess I feel like maybe I haven't fought hard enough to work this out. I have been focusing on myself and trying to keep busy.
Apparently H's "friend" got into a car accident last week. The first person she contacted was H - not sure what he was going to do for her 3,000 miles away. In the past, she faked a car accident to get attention from him. She always seems to have something going on with her. She is either a really unlucky person or she is really good at manipulating him by making him feel sorry for her. My sense is that it is the latter.
Hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for all the continued support!
You know, there are so many marriage coaches out there and as an information junkie, I have compared most of them. It helped to sort through the BS, but can distract you from having a clear plan and following ONE path. That said, you have the choice of doing the 180 or the LRT from MWD's books. You also can work on rebuilding the connection which is what you are asking regarding contacting him or not.
If you are working on yourself and GAL, that is your most important task. Then you are happy and whole with him or without him. Have you thought of one-way texts to maintain a connection? I just don't get going dark and thinking making it easy on them and not talking for 6 months is going to make anyone miss you and want to come back to you. But a big thing talked about here is that a WS needs to see the loss of something before they snap out of it. If you follow that, then it is more of a "tough love" approach. You are a shining beacon of positivity and change and when they looked back, you weren't chasing after them which makes them curious at least.
And of course you can really, "move on" as in, "I don't need this and I won't be waiting if and when he ever changes his mind"
As for his line about he didn't think you wanted to be married to him, etc. That is pure script. I've heard the same. Or, "you are just worried about the financial loss". Basically, it is trying to turn it around on you. Ignore that.
Good luck and hang in there!
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Thanks Flight. Typically I am very logical and I like to do a lot of research. I have been reading so many things and so many of them are contradictory. I really struggle with whether or not to contact H. Like if I don't contact him, we will lose our connection, but if I do contact him, it will probably make him mad and he won't reply anyway. I am probably overthinking it.
I have been trying to work on myself and GAL. I hardly spend any time at home. Luckily, I have a good support system with my family, my H's family, friends and coworkers.
I am not sure if he is admitting anything is going on with his "friend" yet. A big part of me feels like I just need to wait for whatever is happening between them to play itself out. She lives over 3,000 miles away and they both have too much to lose to have a real relationship. She does seem to know exactly how to manipulate him into caring about her. I just wish he could see through everything and see that she is just trying to manipulate him.
My birthday is coming up next week. I am not expecting him to say anything to me about it. It makes me sad that he can't even acknowledge it. It is amazing to me that all the love we had before could be gone so quickly. I know I wasn't perfect, but neither was he.
Anyways, that is enough of my rambling. Hope everyone is having a good week. Take care all.
One of h's good friends lost her 3 year old daughter last week. It is such a tragedy. I can't imagine how she is feeling. It is hard to make sense of something like this. It puts my issues with h into perspective.
The funeral was yesterday. I was surprised, but h actually came. It was the first time I had seen him since the end of August. It was awkward. I had no idea what to say to him and I guess I was waiting for him to say something to me first. He hugged me when he left. I was reminded then of all I the feelings I still have for him. I almost told him I missed him, but I didn't. Now I am rerunning the entire situation through my head and wishing I would have done things differently. I do feel like I need to tell him how I still feel. I just wish I could get the courage to tell him.
I heard from his family that he does have the divorce papers, he just can't figure out how to fill them out. I think his father is kind of pushing him to file because he thinks it would be better for me. That way I could move on quicker and easier. I kind of feel the opposite. I feel like h just needs time to realize the impact of what he is doing and maybe then he would change his mind.
His family would like me to come to their Thanksgiving get together. I would like to go, but I don't know how he feels about it and I don't want to do anything more to upset him. Is that crazy? They have told me to just come, but I don't know. Maybe I should stop making things easier for him. I feel like if he would just let himself be around me, he would remember what he is giving up and remember his feelings for me. Maybe I am just being naïve.
According to his mom, he does not seem to be so angry with me anymore. He tells her he would like to be friends with me - not sure how that would work.
He still claims this has nothing to do with this "friend" and that they are just friends. I think everyone else can see that this is not the case. I am not sure if he is lying to himself or if he is lying to everyone else.
My birthday is on Tuesday. I have plans to go to dinner with one of my good friends. I am trying to be positive about it. I just have this sinking feeling that he will not acknowledge it at all and I know that will make me sad.
Anyway, it has been a difficult week with everything going on. On the upside, it has made it clear to me I still love him and I don't just want him back because it is familiar. It truly is him that I want back.
Lost Im sorry for your H friend child..that is very sad
I understand when you say you want to tell H how you feel;; but he probably knows..this could push him away further Now might not be a good time to do it - especially if he is dead set on the D
It may be better to just try to incorporate a friendship- see if it goes anywhere
I do have a close friend who has maintained a close relationship with her XH family She also attends most holidays with his family and sometimes her parents come too they have been D for a long time
He doesn't mind her being there, but he usually brings his current GF it still bothers her, but she chooses to want to stay in close touch with her SIL and BIL so it works for her
It may be hard for you to be around him especially if he is going to be distant at the dinner but you can try once and see how it goes- start by being a friend,,or giving a smile to him--thats it
Gal , no R talks and maybe just work on being his friend-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So H told his mom he would prefer I didn't attend their Thanksgiving, but he would be civil if I came. His family says I am more than welcome. I am really torn on what to do. I would like to go, but I don't want to give him another reason to be mad at me. On the other hand, he is going to be mad at me whatever I do, so maybe I should just do what I want without thinking of how he feels. Does anyone have any advice here?
Apparently he also admitted that he left because of his "friend." It is surprising to me that he finally admitted it. He would always talk about how important loyalty and trust were to him. I guess he was wrong or that was all talk.
It's lovely of his family to invite you, but if it was me, I wouldn't go. It's going to be mega awkward and there's potential for drama of some kind or another. Do you have family of your own that you can visit, or good friends who can invite you to their holiday? I'm betting you would have more fun with a friend's family than being awkward around H.
Added bonus: if you're not there his family members are free to spend the holiday telling H what an idiot he is
Thanks kml. I have decided not to go to the Thanksgiving get together. H and I exchanged some texts this week and it did not go well. He is on my health insurance and it was up for renewal for next year. I wanted to keep him on the insurance, but he did not want me to. He said he would get his own by joining an association associated with the store and get the insurance that way. I personally do not trust that he will get the insurance and I think he will procrastinate long enough that he would not be eligible to sign up for it. I know if he doesn't have insurance, I will be liable for any medical expenses he would incur. So even though he did not want me to, I renewed his insurance for next year. Unfortunately, I need a picture of his photo id to verify he can be a dependent.
He is now very angry with me saying that I ignored what he said and he thinks we are not on the same page with things. He wants to talk, which I am sure means he wants to serve me with divorce papers. Maybe I was wrong to sign him up for the insurance we he was adamant that I not sign him up. On the other hand, I was also adamant that I was going to keep him on the insurance. He is saying he can't afford to pay me for the insurance, so I am not sure how he can afford to pay for his own. I have never asked him to pay me for the insurance and I did not expect him to pay me.
I am sure I am handling this situation poorly. At some point, I need to protect myself financially. I can just see him waiting until the last minute to get the insurance and then he would be unable to get it. Then I would be stuck paying his medical bills.
In the middle of all of this, my grandmother passed away. She had been sick off and on for the last few months, so it was somewhat expected. I just really don't have the time or desire to deal with him right now and I need to spend this time with my family. I really don't have time to see him.
Hopefully everyone's week is going well. For everyone in the US, happy thanksgiving tomorrow.
I am very sorry to read about your grandmother. My thoughts and prayers are w/you and your family.
Whatever your h wants to talk about can wait until the holiday is over and your grandmother is laid to rest.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
