I spent last week fairly busy, but spent most of the time at home. I made my first ever batch of grape jam. It turned out pretty good. I made some stuff for a bake sale this week at work also.
I had a little contact with H this week. During our marriage, he paid for 3 bills - my cell phone, the car insurance and the cable / internet. I thought he was still going to pay for these things. I am paying for his health insurance. I wrote him a check last week for the bills he was paying. He asked me what the check was for and I told him it was for the bills. He responded saying he thought he owed me money rather than me owing him (because of the health insurance). I didn't respond to him, but he did cash the check.
I changed my cell phone over earlier in the week. Unfortunately, I had to contact him for the account information. He was nice enough to send me the information and I got the phone switched over.
Yesterday he contacted me asking why I hadn't changed over the cable bill to my name. I told him I didn't know I was supposed to. I asked him how much the bill was for and he responded. Apparently he did not pay last month's bill. He had no problem cashing my check for it though. I am pretty angry about it. I told him part of the check was for the cable bill. I was able to switch everything over to my name online, so at least that's one less thing for me to do.
Maybe it's childish, but I don't want to owe him anything or intentionally have anything he can throw back at me. He is already holding so much against me. It's like he was keeping a running list of everything I did slightly wrong the entire time we were together. And now it's justifying what he is doing.
It is strange that he keeps finding something to contact me about though. He contacted me 3 times this week and even asked if the phone transferred ok.
I have my next counseling session tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. I have a busy week ahead with a couple work trips and a work dinner tomorrow.
My counseling session went pretty well yesterday. I think I went the whole session without crying - a big step for me!
The counselor pointed out some things that I hadn't thought about. Apparently, H seems to tell his mom he is happier than he has been in a long time. The counselor said this doesn't really sound like someone who is truly happy. People who are truly happy don't go around telling people they are happy. I hadn't really thought of it that way before. I just thought he was happy without me.
Up until now, I have been keeping myself busy mostly working on my house and cleaning / going through things and going out with friends or family. I am ready to start trying something new, but I could use a few suggestions. The counselor said I should try to have at least 5 ideas of things to do just in case some of them don't work out.
Does anyone have any suggestions or GAL activities that have worked well for them? I can really be a creature of habit and sometimes have a hard time brainstorming things to do.
You could join a gym, book club, discover a new hobby, take a class and/or take up dancing. Some people have taken dance classes and have loved them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I took on home improvement projects, major spring cleaning, yoga, online cooking classes, gardening and reading. I also made sure to spend time with friends who were supportive of my choice to stand, positive and fun.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I volunteer at a charity bookstore, which is great. I also go to yoga and aquafit classes. For a while I went to a book group and I belong to a calligraphers group who run monthly workshops. I'm joining a divorce support group next month, and I joined a women's social group who are pretty active. I also have a mantra of 'accept all invites' now. Before I would have been much more cautious/shy and now I just say yes.
Maybe think along some different avenues - keep fit, classes, creative, volunteering, social, educational, support, church (if you are a believer) and so on....the world is your oyster - but I think the main things are to find things you truly will enjoy and also extend your boundaries with the elements of new activites and meeting new people.
Good luck xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You've already been given some great ideas. One of the things that carried me through those early days is that I created music playlists and I danced A LOT at home. It is really hard to be down if you are dancing!
I also created stations on Pandora and danced to those too. Lol!
I pulled from music before H - music that reminded me of carefree days! Obviously I would steer clear of music that reminds you of times w/H! Pick songs from happy, youthful days.
Personally, I definitely tried to fatigue my body so my mind could rest more. I hiked to music, took up rollerblading and played tennis (which is super social!)
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thanks everyone for all the great ideas. A lady I work with invited me to join her book club. Their next meeting is on Tuesday - I am planning to go. I still need to finish the book though. I have been thinking about starting my own book club too.
I have been busy lately traveling for work. I have another trip at the end of this week. I am spending next weekend out of town with a friend. Then I am off for another trip for work.
Not much news on the H side of things. I haven't heard anything from him in 2 weeks.
Hi Lost, I just happened to come across your thread and am reeling over the similarities between our situations. I'm sorry you are going through this. It seems bonkers to throw in the towel so soon into a lifelong commitment, doesn't it? This is that "for better or for worse" clause in the contract.
Over the last 18 months, It wasn't that clear to me that my h could have been going through MLC because he was blaming me for EVERYTHING and I kind of just took it, curled into a ball and died a little bit... It wasn't until we physically separated that the tension could just break. I've been working on myself and have been DBing since June, and now that I'm removed from the sitch( not yet detached) I can see how loopy h's behavior has been. This is hands down the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.... Just wanted you to know that I truly sympathize with you and I hope the best for you and am sending you strength!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Well, I haven't heard anything from husband in several weeks. I can look at his internet searches. Yesterday he searched divorce papers. He has not said anything to me about it. I am not sure if he will or if he will just have me served with papers. I am kind of in shock. I didn't really think he would file - I guess he still might not, but it doesn't look good. It is hard to understand how someone can just wake up one day and not love you anymore. I just don't understand why he couldn't even try to work on our marriage. Any suggestions on what to do if he does file?
I know I need to work on myself and I have been trying. This is just such shock for me.
Other than this new news, I have been keeping myself busy. I just got back from an out of town work trip. It was pretty good.
So I still haven't heard anything from H. It's been almost a month since he last texted me. I haven't seen him in over 2 months.
I feel like I am regressing a little bit. I have recently been thinking of contacting H. I know during our marriage, I was not good at telling him how I was feeling. I guess I never thought my feelings were important enough, so I would not express them. Another part of that was that he would get angry at me if he did not like what I had to say. So I have been thinking about contacting him and telling him face to face how I have been feeling these last couple months and apologize for some of the things I did in the past. Until he left, I did not realize how much I loved him. I miss him every day.
Since the BD, I have not told him I loved him. I told him once that I thought we could work things out. I have tried to seem happy and not cry in front of him. One of the things he said during the BD was that he thought I didn't necessarily want to be married to him, I just wanted to be married.
Would this be a mistake? It seems like it might be a 180 since I did not no this in the past. I guess I feel like maybe I haven't fought hard enough to work this out. I have been focusing on myself and trying to keep busy.
Apparently H's "friend" got into a car accident last week. The first person she contacted was H - not sure what he was going to do for her 3,000 miles away. In the past, she faked a car accident to get attention from him. She always seems to have something going on with her. She is either a really unlucky person or she is really good at manipulating him by making him feel sorry for her. My sense is that it is the latter.
Hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for all the continued support!
