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Originally Posted By: Painter
Oh, I see what you mean! I think all my 180s were things that H appreciated that I changed. I'm not withholding any affection that feels natural to express at this point. But I'm holding back on my OLD type of pursuing and trying new ways of reaching out that I think H appreciates more.

For instance: I used to do things for H - acts of service is my love language. His LL is words of affirmation. I'm not good with words. So now I work on doing less and saying more. You'd think that would be easy to do, right? Much less work! grin But surprisingly difficult to change, it's like I have a mouth full of rocks when I'm about to do it, and I feel soooo insincere.

I think this is something that will be different from situation to situation, what should you continue to do (changes that makes you a better version of yourself, and things that annoyed your spouse) and what should you go back to doing (natural expressions of affection, things spouse likes).


I am definitely the same as you as far as finding it difficult to say nice things to H. I hate to sound like I am forcing myself to say certain things so it has been tricky to find things that feel a little less weird and that I can get out authentically. I can say I appreciate my h for doing xyz very easily but telling him he is attractive is hard! So I started saying, "you look nice today" or "that shirt looks really good on you." That came really pretty easily so I tried to do it as often as I could w/o overdoing it. Then I've started to compliment him more on his looks. Tonight I told him that I liked his beard that he was growing out & that he looked cute with it. He said- "I"ve grown out my beard before & you never seemed to like it." I told him that I liked it but that I just never said anything b/c other stuff got in the way. Which is true... my own stuff got in the way as well as resentments from how he treated me (due to how I treated him... a vicious cycle). But now I'm getting past all that & I hope that he can know that I do find him attractive even if I haven't said so (until now) for the past 10 years or more!


T: 14 M: 12
D: 9 S: 6
BD: 2/18/15 (H affair)
Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15
Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15
H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15
H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
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That's a great idea - personal compliments might be easy to start with.

I have been remiss in saying nice stuff lately, and that may have contributed to us backsliding pretty severely.

H was so verbally abusive the other night that I felt I'd had enough. He has also become angry every time lately when I tried to find a time to schedule MC. (Open question: When would it be convenient for you to go to MC? Response: Angry rant about how he has no time, too busy, many important things to do.) I have now told him he can schedule if he wants to.

I've pulled back emotionally and am focusing on becoming financially independent. I'm sure it's going to take time so I won't be making any big decisions or declarations until I feel I'm secure in my choices.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 230
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Ah, so sorry it has gone a bit south on you. frown Sounds like he is dragging his feet a little bit. I'd definitely take care of you while keeping positive and upbeat with him. Taking a step back is probably a good idea... might help if he doesn't feel forced into it.


T: 14 M: 12
D: 9 S: 6
BD: 2/18/15 (H affair)
Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15
Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15
H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15
H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 701
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Sorry to hear that things are not great at the moment and that your H is not treating you well. Sounds like he still has lots of built up anger.

I think it is smart that you are working towards financial independence. It has to be a big weight on your shoulders.

I will say that I commend your H format least giving R a chance. While it is hard to predict the final outcome, he is doing more than other WHs on here.maybe it will just take time for his resentment to wane.

Do you have any goal steps you are taking to be more financially secure?

Hang in there!!


Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
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I'm applying for jobs and also working hard on my own business. H is definitely the breadwinner, and our financial situation simply will not allow for a S right now.

I am at a loss for what to do about M. H won't go to MC anymore, he says. That may change... it has before. Last week he said MC was important.

We're in a cycle I recognize, and I don't know how to get us out of it. I told H he could do it if he puts his mind to it, but I have carried it as far as I can.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 701
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Sorry your H is not doing his part and has back slid a bit. Sounds like maybe you need to maybe refocus back on Painter a bit more. Other than working on your financial situation, what GAL activities do you have going?


Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
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Painter Offline OP
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Yes, I think you're right about doing more for myself. It's all been very work-focused lately, I've noticed. Fortunately, the fall will bring some of my regular activities back on my schedule. I have a weekend retreat planned in October, and some other events coming up.

I also need to work on my tone - I have not been as friendly as I would like lately.

H said yesterday it's "too hard" to try to fix our M. I asked him what he felt was too hard, specifically, but he couldn't really answer.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 701
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Originally Posted By: Painter


H said yesterday it's "too hard" to try to fix our M. I asked him what he felt was too hard, specifically, but he couldn't really answer.


Maybe looking the looking internally that is required? Much easier to walk away and be mad at you. I hear you about tone!


Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 230
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I understand the tone thing as well. That is something I've worked on for myself... if I am upset about something, then I don't say anything. I wait until I am calm and ok, then I say something. Otherwise, my tone is bound to betray me and push H away.

I also get the "too hard" part. Sometimes it is overwhelming to think of all the things that aren't going well and all the bad habits that you've picked up. Not to mention all the resentments that have accumulated. It is exhausting to think about, actually. But maybe refocus on baby steps and reassure him that you don't have to fix everything all at once. It's really about the little things. Thinking about each other, being kind, putting in time. Letting go of the past can be tougher but when good things are happening, it is easier.


T: 14 M: 12
D: 9 S: 6
BD: 2/18/15 (H affair)
Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15
Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15
H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15
H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
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Hope, reading your signature, I wonder if the person who is taking the initiative to repair the R can't 'afford' to feel that it's too hard, while their partner, who is asked to participate, can allow themselves to feel that.

I do feel sometimes that it's overwhelming, that H and I are just too different as individuals to make it work (it seems we have become more different as time goes by, or maybe H has stopped hiding who he really was all along), but I don't feel that the work is too hard for me - it's more that I wonder if we have the basic connection that even makes us want to be together. If I had met H today, I would probably never have wanted to pursue a relationship - our values, views and temperaments are so opposite that even the counselor wondered how on earth we ended up together.

Good job on recognizing the tone in yourself! smile


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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