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Thanks zeus. It has been such a pleasant couple of days I do not want to fall backwards. Jelly Thanks I am proud of me. It was a nice feeling to not argue all weekend.

Covo tonight. (he is out with OW)
Me: are you going to be home for dinner need to know as I need to feed D8.
Him: Only if you are waiting until after 7 i would like to see her before bed. (she goes to bed at 8)
Me: Well I am making dinner in 10 mins so I guess if you are home you can eat with us if not you can find something i guess.

I would usually wait for him and have a late dinner but I am tired of putting everything on hold for him. I let him know I was starting dinner and gave him the chance to be home in time. Now it is his choice!


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4, you can go a step further. This still came off as a little controlling: Me: are you going to be home for dinner need to know as I need to feed D8.

You saying you need to know is basically saying to him he needs to reply.

No he doesn't. No you don't.

Why not "I'm starting dinner in 10 minutes if you haven't eaten already" and just leave it at that?

Or, you could simply make dinner and if he shows up he shows up.

Either way, just keep your eyes on controlling language. Particularly around the kids, that's the easiest time to 'take control'. We can easily have this attitude "you can leave me but you are always a dad so you need to"...the fact is he gets to do whatever the heck he pleases. Doesn't mean you have to like it, or not make your own decisions on what types of boundaries to stand up for. But let him be him.

You're well on your way, just rooting you on!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Took a days break and pulled some thoughts together. In reading CD no more it talks about things the CD says. Here is one I tell myself, others have told me, and I have told to others: I am the only one who will put up with him, NO ONE else would ever stick by his side. (UMMMMM Maybe that is because I am to dependent on him and his approval) Maybe they are all the smart ones who walked away smile Does this make me love him less or want to give up NOPE. I will continue working on me and Continue Praying for changes and bringing my family back together. It sure is food for thought though.

Thought 2. The other night he kept rolling over towards me and putting his arm around me. Normally I would hype myself up to things are getting better he is cuddling with me blah blah blah. Instead I reminded myself of the reality that he is SLEEPING NOT CUDDLING and NOTHING has changed! Pretty proud of myself on that one!

I have also started listening to a book about anger By Gary Chapman. One of the first things I picked up and stuck with me was to remember where and what your anger should be directed at. I take all of my anger out on H No matter what I am upset about. Work, kids, house chores, myself, depression anything is always his fault. I had a terrible day at work today I mean terrible wanted to cry and scream day! I was driving home and I heard myself telling me "remember what made you angry, why you are angry, and where that anger should be directed....it is not your family it is work" Magically he asked how my day was and I responded "terrible but I will do my best to remember where my anger should be directed and it is not towards you!" Yep a little anger management and feelings there.

I have allowed myself several times to stop breathe and think before I speak or act. HMMM Seems there is more of a filter there than I thought. CRAZY lol.

There will not be much GAL around here now that school and activities are going on. This Momma and H will be BUSY! I will do my best to make time for ME one time a week though. I did take D7 to dance the other day (just across town so I usually come home start dinner or whatever needs done) and Sat at the Dance studio and read. It was calm quiet and alone time! It was such a simple alone time. I just sat in the lobby and read. Not much of GAL but most of what GAL is going to look like for the year! I continue to manage money kids ect as much on my own as I can.

I have also asked a few times for help with things if I am feeling overwhelmed. I asked for help carrying in dog/cat food. Got a poor response but his friends were here and I am positive that is why. Commented that I lift Heavy people all day long but can't carry in the 50 pounds of dog food. Again I am sure because his friends were here.

I have asked for help with housework and he has done it. Gave him option of me taking 2 kids to Wal-mart with me and he could take one to dance. He countered how about I watch all of them and you can go to Wal-Mart Alone I know it is much easier for you to go alone. (UMMMM so so true I love the kids but shopping with them is hectic) Made sure I thanked him. Made sure I have thanked him anytime I have seen housework he has done or just a general thanks for all you do!

These are all choices I am making to be more supportive, thankful, less controlling, happy (PMA), and peaceful. I do know he does not believe the changes as it has only been a week and usually I will fall off the path in a few days to a week because I had been changing them right after conflicts and just to go back to peace. This time I am changing them for ME! To help ME be at peace, to help ME learn to manage MY feelings, to help me save my family, to help ME become a woman only a fool would leave!


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Hi 4, I think there's some really good stuff in your post - well done!!

The thing that stands out for me is the shift from:

Event - Reaction (anger towards someone etc....)

to

Event - reflection - Reaction

So, you are processing what is going on before you respond in a more thoughtful and respectful way. That my friend is GROWTH!!

As you say - sustaining these kinds of changes in the longer term takes effort. But regardless of your partner - do you want to sustain them??

Pleased for you xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thanks sotto! I want to sustain them for myself not for him. I am much happier myself and feel a lot less guilt from over reacting appologizing and cycling again. I again hope my family is savable but either way I just want to be healthy and happy!


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I feel like we can't even talk it's like we have nothing to talk about nothing to say to each other such a lonely feeling but I know I am choosing the right path for me! I am just having a moment where I wish things were different and everything was fine!


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Staying positive! He is going out with OW tonight and I'm having friends over! Hopefully that helps me stay calm about it! We have ML once this week but he seems more distant not hugging we haven't sat together on the couch or anything it seems like I pulled away for the week and so did he! I am going to guess it is due to the normal cycle I be nice a week or two and pick a fight so I am choosing to be careful continue working on me and stay positive! Hopefully I will see some changes in the future!


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I said I would be ok when he told me he was going out but not ok! I'm sad and hurt not angry for the first time! I am trying to feel those feelings and figure out how I can change ME to have better feelings about it. I am feeling those feelings But am not sure how to sort them out! Today I'm feeling the longer I'm here putting up with it the longer his other relationships will last and the more he will think it's ok to treat me like this!


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It's ok to be confused about your feelings 4mykid, that's all part of this.

Focus all of it on you. He's on his own path. Set your boundaries and do what you need to take care of you. You can't lose if you develop strength, self knowledge, and learn to stand up for what you believe.

You're doing great, even on the days when you feel like you aren't!


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4, you're doing the right thing by posting a lot. Seriously, thank you for the participation.

Here's the bad news...there is no way around feeling bad for a long time. Just none.

You can stay. You can go. You can journal on these forums. You can find a rebound partner. You can go to church. You can drink bottles of wine a night. You can run, but you cannot hide. You are suffering the worst loss I can imagine, so it will hurt.

The good news is that you are learning healthier ways of dealing with your emotions. Facing them head on. Not letting them control your reactions. Listening to what they have to tell you, and making changes that will lead to you feeling better more and more often in the days ahead. Some of those changes may be external (like establishing boundaries that protect you, avoiding fights and ML with your ex, and so on), but many more are internal and really all about you nurturing yourself. Note- I recommend referring to him as your ex.

My therapist tells me two things about emotions. Number one, people aren't afraid of THINGS...they are afraid of the emotions they will experience when those things happen. Number two, emotions don't kill you. You won't melt. It's not fun, but you can handle feeling like crap. So - when you learn that you can handle $hitty emotions, you will be less afraid all of the time, because you'll trust yourself. Remember, whatever comfort you want from your ex or others, give it to yourself, and know that you can get through this.

You're doing great. You're not the newbie anymore. I remember your first post and my first reply. I'm very impressed with your progress. Be proud of yourself for the steps you've taken. Tomorrow you can take some more. Tonight just know we feel your pain and agree it stinks.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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