Not much going on this weekend. My next weekend without children I'm playing a pool tournament. This weekend is pretty meh.
My plans are to get a few things done around my apartment, cook a little breakfast in bed and watch some chess matches online, clean my kitchen, then I'm going to go shoot some pool for a bit. I haven't played in a month, which is a universe different. My entire life I played hours a day so this is as close to quitting the game as I've ever come. But these days I'm pouring all of my competitive juices into work. Anyway, after I'm done playing pool I might catch a movie with a buddy and grab a bite out. Then read and hang out Sunday, finally getting ready for a good start to September.
Pretty laid back, but that's perfect. Trust me, my intensity is about 30% of what it used to be. Having weekends that are somewhat laid back is a lot of growth for me. I'm no longer running a million miles an hour and keeping my mind busy all of the time to drown out negative feelings. Now I'm ok just enjoying what's in front of me, even if that's just chilling on DB forums and reading a good book.
Speaking of books (yes, I am that guy that introduces a topic I want to talk about and then acts like we were speaking about it already) I am having a BLAST reading to my children. I have already picked out the next book I'm going to read to them, and it's the FIRST real adult length novel. Ender's Game. It's a very easy read, and very engaging, and I think my kids will love it even if I have to go slowly at times and explain a few things. I can't WAIT to get started. In fact, I took next Friday off of work and STBX agreed I could pick them up and have them the extra day, so that gives me time to get them into it! I can't wait until next Friday when we get started!!!
OK, I'd say have a great weekend but clearly I'm going to be trolling all night, so instead I'll say talk to you soon.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Sounds like a great weekend Zues, enjoy the (censored) out of the time you have to yourself. One of the hardest parts for those of us that are a bit type-A is to learn to simply enjoy time.
Enjoy it. Do whatever makes you happy. Read, relax, recharge, review your work goals, have fun.
Sounds like your kids are equally as fired up to have you read to them, and THAT is awesome.
Stay strong my friend, don't be hard on yourself or feel the need to accomplish anything this weekend, it's a beautiful one.
Thanks for stopping by my thread earlier too. I appreciate your thoughts.
Big hug,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Hey Zeus. I knew someone who described himself very much as you do. I know you say you are not like " all of us". But all of us aren't like all of us too. Each individual is set apart from the rest of the world in our own ways. There is a million people who are in the world who are the same, and then you.
Intensity can be very useful in our life. But we must strike a balance with it. And as much as we shouldn't care about what others think, we should be mindful of how that affects those who we love. I know you only want someone to accept you as you are, which is exactly where anyone's standards should be. But I am wondering if your intensity and your view of the way things should be done and how life should be liived might have affected your W? Sometimes all that pressure we put on ourselves is absorbed by the people who love us and care for us the most. Could this possibly happened in your M?
You mentioned something about how you don't believe life shouldn't be "pissed" away? What exactly does that mean for you? Of course we want to make our one life have the most meaning and impact. We forget to live in the moment and understand there is true meaning in everything we do, even in the mistakes we make.
I personally live humble life. I was never the "best" at anything. But I make my impact in different ways. And I am also very very hard on myself at times. While I always try to be my best, I do watch out about what the cost of achieving my goals is. I may not be explaining it right. It I hope you see what I'm saying.
Just be wary of feeling like you are in this totally different realm of the masses. Every individual is different in their own ways, and also very much the same. When we start to feel like everyone else is the same and we are a completely different being, we isolate ourselves without even knowing it. And that can get lonely and kind of scary.
Enjoy your breakfast in bed and your laid back day.
And I can't edit, I hate that. The last line in the first paragraph is supposed to read " there aren't a million people in the world who are the same and then you"
Hey Ginger, I got what you meant. I'll start by answering your questions. Not pissing away my life means I give my all every day. I wake up with a big tank of fuel filled by my excitement to be here, enthusiasm to do what I love, and passion to use my gifts and strive to overcome challenges and strive towards goals. I would say I have childlike enthusiasm, and a very high energy level. Then, like a good workout, I enjoy feeling spent at the end of the day, knowing I gave my all. I feel satisfied knowing I spent everything I had, then I reward myself with some time to recuperate.
This isn't absolutely every day, I try to build some time in for R&R. This doesn't mean I am not in the present. This doesn't mean I'm not capable of smelling the roses, enjoying the conversations with someone at a convenience store, or pausing for a moment to watch a dog running around a yard and having fun. I am actually very still often times.
I don't pretend to be humble but don't feel conceited either. What I mean is that most people that are like me think they walk on holier ground than others. Many people that have achieved the success I have think they are better, that other people are in a lower class, etc. I've never thought that or felt that. I don't feel conceited because to me being #1 at whatever I do by a wide margin doesn't make me special- just different. I don't do this to validate myself, or bolster my self worth, or try to gain admiration. I just don't like doing a bad job, and when I do what I consider a good job I guess it looks different than when other people do it.
But not only does that not make me better, for a long time I've felt it's made me defective. I struggled in my M, I was a poor father for years, and clearly I have had issues with balance in the past. I feel I've overcome those issues (at least compared to where I used to be), but I know I'll evolve more over the next 10-20-30 years as well. I've learned a lot about the cost of different goals, which is why I'm on this forum instead of winning a world championship somewhere. I let that stuff go and am pursuing things that mean more to me.
Wonka asked me the same question about the impact on my W, here is what I replied: You nailed it though when you said my "intimate relationships" may have suffered. See, when people get TOO close to me I start identifying with them. Sometimes I catch myself applying my own personal standards to them. THAT'S not OK. The only times I've ever been frustrated with my best friend was when I started treating him how I treat myself. The only time I've been angry with my children is when I talk to them in the voice I talk to myself with. It's not angry...it's not scary...it's intense like 10,000 suns...the unwillingness to accept any outcome but victory, that any obstacle in between me and the win is in as much danger as someone between a mother bear and her cubs...And, during my M, I know I allowed my W to feel my full intensity at times.
I know I've grown in this area. I've been more aware of it. This is best monitored by how I am with my children. I am more in the moment. I honor who they are as people. I recognize they are at different points in their lives with their own views, and I accept that they have their own story which is just as legitimate as mine. So I know I've come a long ways.
In rereading your post I basically see some cautions about being out of balance, the impact on others around me, having a bloated sense of importance that can stunt growth, and having an attitude that I'm over here and everyone else is over there as those differences aren't always very important compared to the humanity we all share. All legitimate. I can see why anyone would be put off by me.
I don't mean to dismiss what you're saying because I think it's all spot on. I just feel I've been working on these things and have made great strides in these areas compared to where I was at the age of 18, 25, 30, and even in this last year. But I also used to have so much disdain for myself that I was perpetually suicidal and driven to a level 100 times past insanity. So for me maybe the biggest growth is to accept my imperfections. And the hardest balance for me is to see where I can continue to improve without feeling like the person I am is broken. I am still wrestling with this and I know it makes me defensive. You can rest assured that your words- even if you spoke carefully, and even if I seem combative- have registered and I will continue to live with them. Thanks for being gracious about it.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
There were other ways I hurt my M with my intensity.
Basically for years it was a lot about running from the demons of inadequacy. I tended to stick to things that were black and white. Pool. Sales. Math. Very clear cut. Right or wrong. This 'protected' me from doubt. I also shut away my emotions and ran from them, using focus and driving to distract myself. Finally I looked for constant assurance from STBX that I was 'good enough', because I didn't feel good enough.
The biggest part of my journey is accepting that I screwed up in some ways, and that we all are, and that it's ok. This means I can try things that I'm not good at, make mistakes, and still be where I am and not look for others to fix me.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I believe that those of us who have suffered the demons of self loathing, perfectionism and thoughts of self harm, but also the alternative extreme of happy obsession, and intense love, our black and white or all or nothing thinking, is challenging for others to understand. The vulnerability we feel in the world is significant, we are exposed. We are constantly exposed like a raw nerve on a burn victim, some days the mere air upon skin is beyond pain.
There are times Zues when reading your posts I am so attuned to the pain and brilliance you experience of yourself and life. I see and feel the struggle at times you experience. I want to reach out so often to challenge you to let go and love and live, in an easier way. But I don't because I know some days that task seems near impossible.
Today I have felt my separateness from others and how they see and experience the world with so much greater ease then myself. Today has been a trial. Finding balance in a black and white world is challenging.
If I have over identified your internal sitch to my own, my apologies. I remain as always in admiration of the integrity with which you have moved through your sitch. I am also so happy to see others here on the board, who with such,wisdom, kindness and intellect, challenge you to be your best version of yourself,
