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The mystery of life and the complexities of it are amazing.

I can recognize the depression and despair but it's like looking at another person. I'm talking about me. The disassociation ... feelings of being adrift, I'm letting them wash over me. I do not want to stay in this pit, I don't want to remain the victim of circumstance.

I went to a work retirement party yesterday, I felt a chill when people looked at me. As we both work at the same company, everyone knows and I have no idea the narrative what she told everyone. I guess it does not matter, I held my head high and circulated. No one brought it up and of course they wouldn't but I could see it in their eyes. The folks that didn't knpw all said "Hi, how are you and W and kids?" I just smiled and said "everyone is doing great, thanks for asking."

So many decisions to make or respond to problems are just not my priority right now. Just getting through the day are. Handing over kids today so I must get my GAL going.

W keeps asking about items (photo books, sports equipment) from "hone". I said I don't know where they are, and if I find them I will certainly give them to you. I honestly don't want her family photo albums, I can't bear to look at them even if I found them. Her replay was "Just tell me where they are, I just would like to know". I so wanted to say "Yes, there are lots of things I would like to know too" but I didn't.

I must find a way to move past all of this. Putting it in the past is my escape hatch. As long as I deal through the lense of "you hurt me" all communication is damaged. So, I have to let that go. I know that and think about the best way to accomplish that a lot.

Thanks everyone. Always appreciated to just let me journal a bit and I guess vent.

Always, Heavy D


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HeavyD Offline OP
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Forgot my recent gratefuls:

I am grateful for my Mother who is endless with her patience and listening skills.

I am grateful for the sunshine today

I am grateful for the friends I have made post Bomb Drop

I am grateful for a wonderful career

I am grateful for the love of kids

I am grateful for my old friends I have reconnected with

So many things to be grateful for but it's easy to overlook them when other things get in the way.


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HeavyD,

I love this list of gratefuls. It reminds me of all the people I have in my life supporting me. It helps me to not focus on WW and the people supporting her.

Thank you


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
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HeavyD Offline OP
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I read a great article about victim mentality and how many people, myself included, play this role.

The poor pitiful me syndrome, look what my X has done, and while it hurts like he##, it is imperative to get up and move past it. If you don't, you run the risk of the downward spiral into depression and prolonged misery. I know because I have experienced it.

The real question is how long do you want to be defined as a victim? How long are YOU willing to play that role. As long as you play that role, you cannot move past this traumatic event and start living your new life.

There is no real definate answer to this, some people take a few months and some take years. The point is to process the information, recognize if you are stuck in the victim status mentality and practize ways to get out of it.

GAL is one way, PMA is another, practicing gratitutde is another, acknowledgement and recognition that you are playing that role, and start taking YOUR power back.

Google "Are you a victim of victom syndrome?" a really good insight into this reality to a lot of LBS.

Just thought I would share this info.

Last edited by HeavyD; 08/28/15 09:22 PM.

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Heavy, I am glad you posted that. I know family and friends who have played the victim or martyr roll their entire life...and they will ultimate be unable to function as a result.

We choose to take the steps toward a new beginning, a new life, a new us! We have to realize it for ourselves first. Like you said, only then can you move on.

I hope you have a great weekend!!!


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I know I have played that card too long now. It does nothing but prolong the misery and sadness. it feels good momentarily to tell your friends how you were wronged, get their sympathy but it does nothing for your self esteem and just bogs you down instead of healing, you are wallowing.

I choose not to be a victim and I encourage all DB'ers to challenge their thinking. Are you playing the victim mentality card too?


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Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes. Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes. Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes.

We get the point! I love your analysis Heavy. I really, really do!!!!! Am excited For your reflection!!!!


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HeavyD Offline OP
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So w sent email asking my permission to take kids on weekend to Las Vegas to a lantern festival during her weekend time. I replied where are you staying, are you traveling with folks, are you meeting up with folks, and a few other logistical details.

She then tells me that she wants to take AP with them and stay overnight in a hotel with them. I said its in the best interests of the kids to not introduce romantic partners until we have been divorced a year. She balked at that and said the kids already know about her. I said yes, but an overnight trip is different.

I asked her to reconsider taking them and I said I would do the same (not introduce kids to anyone I am dating for a year after divorce). I said the kids have been traumatized enough give them some time. She said she would consider it.

$:;/&-@/$!! I am so upset but have to remain calm and detached. There is nothing I can do but say no you can't take them on this trip. But then thats borrowing trouble right??

She tells me that she is disappointed that I have amputated her from my life and that it hurts her to see "the trapped animal wanting to get away from her" look I have in my eyes when we do meet. She is hoping that this divorce will calm things down between us. No remorse or regret.

Again - must detach. There is nothing I can do but accept the situation.


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Originally Posted By: HeavyD
She tells me that she is disappointed that I have amputated her from my life and that it hurts her to see "the trapped animal wanting to get away from her" look I have in my eyes when we do meet. She is hoping that this divorce will calm things down between us. No remorse or regret.

Again - must detach. There is nothing I can do but accept the situation.


Ummm I'm sorry but she's upset that you amputated her from your life? WTF does she think she is doing? I'm sorry Heavy but that makes me angry for you. Why do they feel that we should be sitting in the wings waiting for them?

I also loved your post about the victim thinking. I have been working really hard at not having 'stinkin' thinkin' as my IC calls it. We are thrivers and survivors. We will come out of this better.


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
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Do you have to take a parenting class in your state? If not, it would be still worth making part of the negotiating process. There are certain ground rules when it comes to children that really important to understand. It is something W probably needs to hear from someone other than you though. Then maybe incorporate some of those into the official agreement after you have both been through it.

Sorry you had to listen to the WTF logic they sometimes hit us with. She sounds like she is trying to rationalize her choice to assuage her own pain and guilt. A very normal thing to do, so even though it is hard to do, the more you can let it roll off like water off a ducks back the better for your sanity.

Still, I know how statements like that stick in my craw for days. Sending an electronic hug (we really need a hug emoticon).


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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