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Oh, that's an interesting way of looking at it.

1,2 and 3 haven't happened. 4 on the odd occasion in the last 22 weeks. 5 is every day - more my design really, following her remark about not spending enough time with her etc.

As for your quote (in blue), I would think making conversation with me would be the first step. I've just done the internet shopping and asked W if she wanted anything particular from the shops. She looked at me and just said 'no', 'the usual'. No please, no thank you. That's the hard bit; I'm being pleasant and just getting nothing in return.


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Originally Posted By: Huddy
Oh, that's an interesting way of looking at it.

1,2 and 3 haven't happened. 4 on the odd occasion in the last 22 weeks. 5 is every day - more my design really, following her remark about not spending enough time with her etc.

As for your quote (in blue), I would think making conversation with me would be the first step. I've just done the internet shopping and asked W if she wanted anything particular from the shops. She looked at me and just said 'no', 'the usual'. No please, no thank you. That's the hard bit; I'm being pleasant and just getting nothing in return.


The things I threw out there were just ideas. But I think the point remains. If Im correct, your end goal is "reconcile with my wife to have a healthy marriage".

So I would come up with 3-5 tiny baby steps that would indicate that you are moving in that direction. What are the first things you would expect to see if that were your path? Then we can measure against those. Once they are hit, you can start with the next set.

Lets say your goal is to sail around the world. If all you see is ocean the whole time, youll never know if youre going the right way. But if you have a map and chart the land as you see it, you can understand how close youre going, if youre on the right path, etc.

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1) your wife starts a conversation with you about something other than kids or finances
2) your wife laughs in your presence about something you said/did
3) Your wife says something positive about you
4) Your wife prepares food for you
5) your wife watches a TV show with you

I would see these more as 'signs of good progress' than goals. They are outcomes, and goals need to be 'inputs' - ie: things that you have control over. I also think that our goals should be less about our S's and more about ourselves....

JMHO....:-)


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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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^ X2

Its impossible to have goals based on contributions from another person .. ESPECIALLY when they have no knowledge of it, nor are committed to helping achieve such a thing, doing this is very dangerous territory because it puts the 'goal line' out of reach and can build resentment ... if your W walks by you while you are sitting on the far side of the couch mentally luring her to sit next to you, you will come away feeling rejected and hurt.

If one's goal is to lose 5 lbs they can jump on the scale, monitor progress and make adjustments to what they eat, how much .. etc.

All those "Get W to do this or that" really kinda sounds controlling to me.


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Originally Posted By: Sotto

1) your wife starts a conversation with you about something other than kids or finances
2) your wife laughs in your presence about something you said/did
3) Your wife says something positive about you
4) Your wife prepares food for you
5) your wife watches a TV show with you

I would see these more as 'signs of good progress' than goals. They are outcomes, and goals need to be 'inputs' - ie: things that you have control over. I also think that our goals should be less about our S's and more about ourselves....

JMHO....:-)


Oh. Totally agree! I was trying to help Huddy as he seemed stuck on "signs of progress". But yes....once you pick what youre looking for, then you can map out the things you need to do in order to get there!

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Huddy,

Yeah, when I first read this...I said to myself, "those are not goals for Huddy." I am with Sotto as they are measurable progress. Now bear in mind that the 3rd item isn't a real measurable progress per se because it is subjective since W feels right now that it is important to her that she reclaim her personhood away from you.

Originally Posted By: Huddy

Well, the next ones are difficult. I see it as this:

1) Get W to actually talk to me;
2) Get W to work on our R;
3) Get W to see that running away isn't worth the damage to anybody in family.


Le'ts flip this list over to to Huddy.

-what can I do to elicit a more positive response from W? (choice of words, general demeanor, face square to W's body, tone)
-what changes I need to make for myself that shows a new, improved Huddy 2.0 that will re-attract W?
-Lady Karma will take care of W and W will come to her own realizations in due course. Let. Go. Let. God.

You cannot control what W does or does not do. However, you can CONTROL you. This is where the focus needs to when it comes to DBing.

Last edited by Wonka; 08/28/15 10:50 PM.
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Huddy you are still doing fantastic you are truley one of my inspirations being in a similar sitch with the W still at home is very difficult.

Hang in there buddy

Take care

Ghost


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Spot on Ghost! In house is tough specific goals will be really helpful.

I am with the team on the goals. All goals need the five serving friends Who, What, When, Where and Why.

To be capable of achievement they can follow the SMART principles, so you know how to knock them out of the park.

Getting this and learning this technique is truly going to make a huge difference in your life in all aspects of it from personal to work. It really will, you can be like V with Excel spreadsheets of goals ( yep one for each project and a summary one) with each column an active field. I kid you not. Thats how I do it each column is headed Who etc and then there are the months along the top Sep 15, Oct 15 etc and I add scores from 1 too 10! I even have Sandis 37 (now 41) guidelines and I track those, from time to time I post my scores on my threads. I also give my GAL and PMA scores too. Monitor it to keep you strong.

One more tip make these active and present, I am, I have booked, I do etc, it tricks your mind into achievement.

You have a master guiding you in Wonka, who is one hell of an amazing lady.

Plus I am wearing my I am following Azz and Cali T shirt and I have my I am a Sotto fan baseball cap on.

Will be very interested to see the final versions. Go get 'em.

I am backing you already with friends like these you are already a winner on your goals. Plus you are at a great point in your thread wouldnt it be fantastic to start a new thread with honed goals? You have 8 posts to get there.

Smiles

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/29/15 12:12 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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Thinking of you today, Huddy.

Hope you drank a TON of PMA punch!

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Huddy Offline OP
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Afternoon all

Thanks for all your input. I've got to say, I'm not really good at goal setting. If they are personal goals, that I can control, fine. I can decide what I want, how to get there and how to view the finished article. Now, I see what you're saying about setting goals that entice my W back, I just don't know what to set. So, we can say the first goal is to get her to talk to me. I try looking at her, try engaging in conversation, and just get nothing in return. What can I do? Well, nothing really, it's up to W. Frustration!

To matters at hand. W came near my bed today. I thought OK, this could be good, only to be stood up by the washing (laundry) basket! W had picked up my smalls to put in the wash. It is, however, the first time she has been in a bedroom with me since April.

In the end, W's Mum, Sister, brother and one of my nieces have come up for the day. W's plan was that they would come in for a cup of tea and then go out for the day. Unfortunately her brother had other ideas, and they have only gone out now (after 2.5 hours) to take the kids to the park and go for a meal.

I have been pleasant and friendly. I have chatted to her brother, but have had no convo with MIL/SIL other than 'hiya'. SIL tried to rile me with a comment about 'depression and anxiety' (these were words I used when I wrote to MIL, right at the start, asking for help - big mistake to involve in-laws)but just stayed cool and said nothing. So, not too bad. Apparently FIL hasn't traveled due to the row they had when W was on holiday there in the summer. I was making food for the kids, so didn't overhear it all, but it looks as if bad blood still flows.

Now, here's the unusual part. W has looked and smiled at me on a number of occasions today. This may be nervousness at the situation (she didn't say goodbye when she went to park) as she has then smiled at her mother. The women have retired to the kitchen every now and again. I guess that's to chat about the sitch.

All in all, I'm keeping calm, drinking STFU smoothies by the bucket load and hoping the rest of the visit goes off just as well.


M 45 W 52
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BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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