Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
rd500 #2602502 08/28/15 08:04 PM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 684
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 684
Originally Posted By: rd500
Hi. Beagley. Thanks for posting. I get exactly what your saying. I think the DB view is that if EXW decides she wants to work on an R ,she would have to commit 110%. My EXW has talked of coming home , she does not blame me for M breakdown and says she didn't reject me but our life. She has spoken about herself being in an MLC or maybe having a breakdown. All of this could be taken as EXW trying to open doors or making overtures to work on R but if you step back , she isn't doing anything other than talking. And talk is cheap. Actions are where it's at.

The lighthouse story really says to me that we have to be a guiding light but not the rescue team.

Just my take Beagley.

Take care. Rd


You are right rd, I like the rescue team analogy.

The DB route is sometimes a bit too black and white, is all I am saying there's lots of grey in the world and I suppose to have a book that covered every shade would either be a large volume or if it was limited to say 50 of them it becomes best-selling "mummy porn". :-)


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Huddy #2602507 08/28/15 08:32 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
R
rd500 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
Hi Jim. Not rambling at all mate. I think your completely right. I do feel on some level I have a certain amount of control because EXW is very friendly and does open up when we talk My issue is the jumping before pushed analogue again

If EXW wants to come home it would take a huge backdown from her and she would have to give up her new life. I think this is a step to far at the moment and maybe ever.

As I've stated before EXW has reached out and does tell me she's ruining her life and doesn't know why she's doing what she's doing Also EXW does seem to want the home life to stay the same Her post is delivered here , she does not want he house sold ,does help with gardening and housework and offers to run errands for me

Jim. I suppose it's like I'm afraid to reach out in case I'm rejected but more than that I actively oush EXW away while she's reaching out

Yesterday she called and started an R talk of sorts and I said things like ' the kids have to get used to it ' and ' it's tough but it's now our lives.' If EXW were saying things like this to me I would be quite clear on how she felt

I suppose I need to stay the course and let EXW do her thing. I do tell
EXW I want her to be happy and I show concern but part of me does think she's of the opinion that I don't want her back

Huddy. The point you raise is what it's all about really For me being the lighthouse is becoming a better person and letting EXW follow the light home if she chooses but not helping her to follow the light other than being the light

Thanks for posting Take care. Rd

rd500 #2602538 08/28/15 10:27 PM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 684
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 684
Originally Posted By: rd500
Hi. Beagley. Thanks for posting. I get exactly what your saying. I think the DB view is that if EXW decides she wants to work on an R ,she would have to commit 110%. My EXW has talked of coming home , she does not blame me for M breakdown and says she didn't reject me but our life. She has spoken about herself being in an MLC or maybe having a breakdown. All of this could be taken as EXW trying to open doors or making overtures to work on R but if you step back , she isn't doing anything other than talking. And talk is cheap. Actions are where it's at.

The lighthouse story really says to me that we have to be a guiding light but not the rescue team.

Just my take Beagley.

Take care. Rd


Can't let this go, I'm like a dog with a bone sometimes. :-)

There's lots of talk of validation, I think of it more as empathy. If you take it slightly beyond the guidelines that are on the validation cheat sheet, is asking questions like, "so you don't feel good about where you are heading, which must be hard for you, what do you think you can do about it to make things better?" or, "if you had a magic wand what would you do?" and whatever the response we say "and how could you go about making that happen?" acceptable? So it's sort of validation with a counsellor twist, is that stepping beyond where we believe we should be treading? What we have to guard against is being too directive or slipping into what appears to be neediness, which we all know is not good.

Is this remaining as the lighthouse and using your beam to guide your WS along a safe path, so sort of rescue team, but not hands on? We think our doors are left open a crack and the road is smooth, when you are in a fog (as our WS's are) sometimes you can't see the road ahead of you, let alone know where you are going, so we make our lighthouse beams lilluminate a way forward form them as well as a comforting and reassuring glow.

When I started on this BB my concern was that there was seemingly acceptance that D was an inevitability and that DB'ing was not being fully applied all of the time. Maybe what I was sensing was that there's an under current that means we end up being almost drill sergeant like in our approach, nothing's good enough from our WS except if it as you said above their effort is 110%!! Isn't this a bit macho (not surprising as there are a lot of men on here) and so we are missing possible opportunities? The machoism being routed in the fear that if we make a wrong move we might ruin things completely. As MWD says in the books, try something and if it's doesn't work, back pedal and try something else plus everything she said was guidance not hard and fast rules.

Maybe I am stepping out of line here, or using too much hyperbole, or as I suspect descending into jibberish, so I'll stop now.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2602545 08/28/15 10:46 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
R
rd500 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
Hi Beagley. No gibberish. I get what your saying In my case EXW has said she wished she had a magic wand to turn back the clock a few years

I suppose it's like if EXW is 60% wanting to reconcile, is that enough or would she bolt again at the first speed bump ? Grey areas indeed

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2602549 08/28/15 11:14 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
My view is very different. DB is for self, it is about doing that which works. It is flexibility personified.

If what is being done isn't spinning your groove change it, if it is tweak it. When it stops do something different.

How is that black and white? It's all shades of grey.

It is about becoming, so if R is right at 50%, then it is, if it's not at 100% or more then it's not. Just do that which works for you.

Some may bolt at 60% others not.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/28/15 11:15 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2602705 08/29/15 09:28 PM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 684
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 684
Very wise and accurate words V, in other words there is sometimes a judgement call to be made by the person in their sitch and they should be comfortable doing so.

It might be construed that there is an overriding tendency on this BB towards an attitude that >=100% is needed, or else it's not worth it. This is destructive and harming many people's chances.

Having said that it's probably based on fear of taking action unless all the lights are green which is a common human trait but needs to be identified where it's showing itself, although it may not make the one doing so popular as it will potentially be seen as left field.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2602706 08/29/15 09:35 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
R
rd500 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
Hi Beagley. I the human trait thing is spot on I always think if they want to work on an R then they need to show it clearly because otherwise you might find they aren't committed in there return

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2602720 08/29/15 11:27 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
RD

Have a terrific weekend

And you too Beagley, you got it!

Your sis

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/29/15 11:28 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2602969 08/31/15 10:16 AM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 684
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 684
Sorry V. only just saw this post, thank you for your kind wishes and encouragement, you really know how to lift someone's day. I hope you had a glorious weekend.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2603087 08/31/15 05:09 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
Hi RD,

I will put my nose in the black, white and grey subject here. During DB time I did a lot of mistakes and most know they were pretty big mistakes according to some SBiers.

Finally, after my Divorce, I found out that DB is just a chance that the WAS will fall for you again. The M was broken, pieces are everywhere... it's ugly and painful, it's dead.

How things can turn around? When you Detach... yes, the magic word that so many veterans talk about in this forum. It's when you really disconnect and follow your own path.

How to follow that path? You look at yourself, take your time to evaluate all the rights and wrongs that in your opinion played a good part to destroy the marriage. Once you figure that, you start working on all the aspects, issues that you can improve to became a better person.

Like V said, it is for you and you alone, independent if the WS will return or not. The beauty in all this is that everyone likes people that are determined, strong, happy, self motivated, people that have a lifted fire for life inside themselves that transpire to the world. Then, as you follow your path and let those changes start appearing, the WS that left because the R was somewhat toxic, start seeing that things can be a bit different.

The bitterness that once was the only feeling left, start soften up a bit and they start seeing you as a candidate for a new and more improved life. Then, at this point you have the advantage that there was a past story together, moments that are treasured even after the split, in our case kids that will connect us forever.

Detachment is very powerful. It's when you face the worse pain on this whole process, when you don't give up, but you let go. You are first, you are the center of your own attention and you want to be that person only a fool would leave.

Detachment takes the fear away, makes you look into new options in life, makes you face your mistakes and correct them. You are no longer a slave of that toxic R.

Once it start happening, then you become more attractive, you are again in the market, you are open for life and start feeling a little better every day. And that's when the WS look at you and see what they are missing, they start questioning what was their part in the M destruction.

They look at themselves and the fog start lifting because they start facing the mess that they created for themselves. They finally realize that they were unhappy with themselves in the first place.

The ones that decide do not look back at their M, many times they create a new R full of false hopes, that this time will be the right one, and that they have found what they were looking for. Well, guess what! the statistical studies shows that most of these R end up breaking a few years later. Why? Because the issues were not resolved and the WS still have all the unhappiness inside themselves.

Human beings are very complex and sometimes all the studies, science, religion or whatever can't explain the crazy game of attraction. So Michelle gives us a guide book with many collected information along the years of working with human beings in a romantic environment.

DB is a guideline but it is up to you to determine what works in your R. In this forum I am sure we have all kinds of different situations and different life settings. Some deal with affairs, some with sickness, some just fell apart. Some folks have kids, some don't. Some have money, some don't. So, it is not one fits all. It's up to us to determine what was wrong in our R, where the big gap started and became the Grand Canyon. And maybe work from there and try.

Independent of all what you try, keep in mind that DETACHMENT is the key to success. It's only when you let go, that maybe you will see that you are rescuing.

It took me a lot of tears, pain, regrets, mistakes after mistakes and a Divorce to start making things right. It's when I put myself first and start looking into making my life better for myself that I called my XH's attention.

Why does this happens? Well, I guess that someone smarter in a human being psychology, could explain it better then I. For now I just accept that the veterans DBiers here tell us novice to Detach and improve ourselves, and only this way we will be more attractive and have "a chance" to have our WS back.

RD, you can do it. How? ... you may know or you may want to start getting advices here and trying to figure it out what works or what not.

Love,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard