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Originally Posted By: pinn
If things to officially end, I will have to cut ties with her completely. She would be too much of a risk to any future relationship (shes destroyed em in the past). That makes me sad because I have known her since I was 10 and there are so so many memories there and though we are relatively young.


Here's my feeling: I cant be her friend when I want to be her husband. When I dont want to be her husband anymore, Id be willing to consider being her friend again.

I wouldnt worry about things a year or two or five or ten in the future right now. Just worry about getting through today, pinn!

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Originally Posted By: Azzork

Here's my feeling: I cant be her friend when I want to be her husband. When I dont want to be her husband anymore, Id be willing to consider being her friend again.

I wouldnt worry about things a year or two or five or ten in the future right now. Just worry about getting through today, pinn!

Az nailed it. I think it's nearly impossible to be friends when you truly still have interest in being the H. Sure, you can fake it in front of her, but it's going to be tough on you. I'm of the same mind that right now I only want to be H with my WW. When I reach a point where I'm done with that and really moved on, then I would definitely want to pursuit a friendship. I also agree about not thinking too much into the future. Anything can happen a year, 3 years, 5 years out. Look at CaliGuy's sitch on this board. He was separated for 3 years, totally detached and even dating when his WW decided she wanted to R. I've heard of people in my local church who got together again 10 years after being D. You just never know, and it's pointless to worry about it. We're in day by day mode - just do your best to get through today.


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
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Originally Posted By: dwh15

Az nailed it. I think it's nearly impossible to be friends when you truly still have interest in being the H. Sure, you can fake it in front of her, but it's going to be tough on you. I'm of the same mind that right now I only want to be H with my WW. When I reach a point where I'm done with that and really moved on, then I would definitely want to pursuit a friendship. I also agree about not thinking too much into the future. Anything can happen a year, 3 years, 5 years out. Look at CaliGuy's sitch on this board. He was separated for 3 years, totally detached and even dating when his WW decided she wanted to R. I've heard of people in my local church who got together again 10 years after being D. You just never know, and it's pointless to worry about it. We're in day by day mode - just do your best to get through today.


Well .... lets at the least get the facts straight.

I was separated almost 2 years ... not 3. And I would never say I 'completely' detached, in fact through out my sitch I have confessed detaching was the one thing I really had a tough time with ... it does get easier as time rolls on ... but in hindsight I could have done much better in this area. My W was not a WW, she was MLC ... as I have mentioned labels are just labels ... often I surmise they are more for the LBS than anything, the approach is the same, the resolve and the willingness to DB and for how long is solely up to the individual.

My feelings on the 'friend' aspect. As I told my W, I treasure the few friends I have, in fact losing one is a very painful experience. That being said I had no room for a 'friend' who would lie/cheat and steal from me, in my personal dictionary that person was no longer a friend.

Last edited by CaliGuy; 08/28/15 05:08 PM.

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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

Well .... lets at the least get the facts straight.

I was separated almost 2 years ... not 3. And I would never say I 'completely' detached, in fact through out my sitch I have confessed detaching was the one thing I really had a tough time with ... it does get easier as time rolls on ... but in hindsight I could have done much better in this area. My W was not a WW, she was MLC ... as I have mentioned labels are just labels ... often I surmise they are more for the LBS than anything, the approach is the same, the resolve and the willingness to DB and for how long is solely up to the individual.

My feelings on the 'friend' aspect. As I told my W, I treasure the few friends I have, in fact losing one is a very painful experience. That being said I had no room for a 'friend' who would lie/cheat and steal from me, in my personal dictionary that person was no longer a friend.

Sorry about that Cal. I was winging it and didn't have time to go back and look up specifics on your sitch; just going by what I remembered reading. Thanks for clarifying. But my main point remains the same. Anything can happen in the future, whether it be tomorrow, next week, next year, we never know.

Regarding being friends, you make a good point. In my case, the lies and cheating are a definite with my WW. As far as stealing, I'm not sure but I wouldn't be surprised she has taken things out of the house w/o asking or telling me. It's a gray area, since she technically owns half. But she is certainly willing and in fact feels somewhat entitled to as much financial assistance as she can get out of me. I guess that's stealing in a way. And no, I would not put up with any of that behavior from a so-called friend either, so makes me really question whether WW should get off the hook.

For now, I wouldn't say I'm acting like a friend, but more that I'm being friendly. I hope to be her H again, but if that doesn't work out, then I would hope to someday be "friends"; that would of course depend on whether WW comes to her senses enough to be a true friend and not look at me as someone she can use to her advantage. Who knows - these situations are all so complex that anything is possible.


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
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Originally Posted By: dwh15

Sorry about that Cal. I was winging it and didn't have time to go back and look up specifics on your sitch; just going by what I remembered reading. Thanks for clarifying. But my main point remains the same. Anything can happen in the future, whether it be tomorrow, next week, next year, we never know.

Regarding being friends, you make a good point. In my case, the lies and cheating are a definite with my WW. As far as stealing, I'm not sure but I wouldn't be surprised she has taken things out of the house w/o asking or telling me. It's a gray area, since she technically owns half. But she is certainly willing and in fact feels somewhat entitled to as much financial assistance as she can get out of me. I guess that's stealing in a way. And no, I would not put up with any of that behavior from a so-called friend either, so makes me really question whether WW should get off the hook.

For now, I wouldn't say I'm acting like a friend, but more that I'm being friendly. I hope to be her H again, but if that doesn't work out, then I would hope to someday be "friends"; that would of course depend on whether WW comes to her senses enough to be a true friend and not look at me as someone she can use to her advantage. Who knows - these situations are all so complex that anything is possible.


Oh no worries ... I just did not want rumors to start and in a week someone posts I went 10 years ... ya know how stories can grow.

The Highlighted part ... (Sorry to hijack pinn but maybe some nuggets you can dip in ranch here) What does "come to her senses" mean to you .... I point it out because that line of thought is extremely controlling, like " Once she jumps through this hoop, dumps the OM, does this or that .. then and only then will I allow her into my circle"

Truth is ... you have to get to a point where you are comfortable with you, your W can do as she wants, when she wants and with who .... the vibe I get from your sitch is you feel taken advantage of, feel you are financing her way of life which you do not approve of (I do not blame you here .. your feelings are understandable) ... I would push you here .. this is only going to make you Bitter, not Better if you catch my drift.... its not going to land you where you want to be big picture wise.

For me ... after doing some self work, I realized my time was very valuable, and my W at that time was not 'friend' worthy ... she .. and many WAW/WW/MLCrs want the LBH as the back up, option #2, the 'friend' ... its a safety net/ security blanket ... one I was not interested in EVER supplying once I realized she had cake all over her new dress. This does give them a whiff of the Reality-Frapichino, as I have told her many times ... she can do as she likes, have whomever she would like close to her, .... but ya know what .. so can I and I chose to not have people who try to hurt me. Amazing how hurt they are by this even thought they have fired us.


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no worries... I find all that talk very interesting. I guess this is quite the premature discussion in my case, but it will not be possible for me to be friends with her. It is too risky. She can destroy my relationships in a second (she's done it before, kind of bragged about it actually). I'll have to cut her off completely which is terrible because we grew up together... ugh.

Anyway, yesterday went really well. Hardly thought about her which is hard to believe. Only negative was she wiggled her way into my dreams last night. Now it's time for an early morning gym session.

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welp... it's been 14 days and I have not contacted my wife in any way. Nor have I even had the urge. After reading the posts the last few days I guess I consider myself somewhat lucky. Having been through this with her before (not married then of course) makes things easier. I have learned a lot of the lessons described on this board in the past. I understand completely what everyone is going through.

I end up getting a little angry at how I am being treated like an ex-boyfriend rather than a husband. That is what bothers me. I desperately want this to work out, but even if she came back, I am not sure I can go through this again. There is only so many times someone can tell you 'this is how I feel'. I actually started researching divorce proceedings last night. She has not forced the issue as of yet though. The only thing we briefly discussed was not needing lawyers. I will still wait for her to bring it up.

I cannot believe how fast the last 2.5 months have gone by. It is a blur. I am doing good focusing on myself. Setting goals and knocking em down ;-). Have a half marathon next month that I am going smoke, destroying it at the gym and I am going to ace my final two classes. I am working on my social skills at the same time. Making strong eye contact and trying to be a bit more out going without being over the top. My confidence has increased unbelievably during all of this. I do need to hang out with my friends more though.... nights are tough sometimes and I end up going to bed early. The good news is that I have not had to watch reality TV in a long time and I can buy ice cream with chunky stuff in it!

I want her to call, text or email me... not so we can talk... but so I can ignore it. How messed up is that? Her birthday is coming up quick... and I just have to ignore it. It is like she is two different people... the person she is when she is with me and the person she is when she is not. I have met both several times in the past 16 years and I do not like the latter. I know that my wife is not present right now so I do not miss her. Any attempts at communication are pointless and will certainly make me feel worse. I miss her family though especially my nieces.

Full LRT in effect for the foreseeable future. I'll get there and I am going to better because of all this.

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Quote:
She said “we have become roommates” and there is “no chemistry”. I agreed that things could be improved but thought we should work on it. Told her I would do anything. She said there was nothing to work on, it should be ‘natural’. She said I was the ‘best husband’ (obviously not) but that she is not happy. A few days later she told me she found an apartment and about a month ago she moved out.


She feels no chemistry. How about you?

Whenever I read about a woman believing it should all come naturally, and no work done......it tells me she has her head in a fantasy. She wants to be swept completely off her feet, and dominated by such extreme sexual attraction that her volition has no say in the matter. That is basically how the romance novels are written. A lot of women buy into it and then think of what they are missing out in their lives. If those ideas are not harnessed, they can lead her to make bad decisions.

I don't think it is b/c of your lack of sexual experence with different partners. I think the problem is mostly her. You can't make her have feelings. That's up to her.

Quote:
I suspect she is either having an affair or at the very least, having a good time. Some of the outfits she was wearing right before she left drove me crazy. That is not the girl I know.


Maybe, or she may be shopping around. Has she ever had an A while you were together?

I think the fact that she said you were the "best husband" confuses or bothers you, since it's in your signature line. I believe it was code for saying you are a nice guy, a good person, and it's not you but her. You know, kind of like whenever a woman breaks up with a guy and tells him she loves him like a brother.

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I end up getting a little angry at how I am being treated like an ex-boyfriend rather than a husband. That is what bothers me. I desperately want this to work out, but even if she came back, I am not sure I can go through this again. There is only so many times someone can tell you 'this is how I feel'. I actually started researching divorce proceedings last night. She has not forced the issue as of yet though. The only thing we briefly discussed was not needing lawyers. I will still wait for her to bring it up.


Of course she's not treating you like a husband! She scratched you off her list. If she left you, and considering her reasons, how were you expecting her to treat you? What would she do differently than from an ex-boyfriend?

I'll get straight to the point. This is not the first time, right? That means the risk of her doing it again is high. You say you want it to work out. However, I think you are really hoping that working out means she will stop putting you through this stuff. But she doesn't want to "work" on things with you. She wants her sexual fantasies filled. Life may have to teach her, and it may take a real long time to make her see that a couple has to work to keep a good relationship.

My advice is to leave her alone and make a life for yourself. Drop the emotional rope and move forward. It will probably take a long time before she actually misses you. The longer she goes without seeing you or contact of any type, the better the chances that she would feel some attraction when she does see you. I am talking months and months, maybe a couple of years or more.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandi... I missed your response earlier. I agree with everything you say there. I guess I was expecting a little more respect compared to just an ex-boyfriend?? Actually I am not really sure. In my head, we are married, there should be an effort to save things. That is a very good question now that you raise it though, why would it be any different, I guess it would not.

"best husband' does bother me because it is obviously not true and yet she says it over and over. I agree with your advice and that is what I am doing. I have been through it before so I have lots of practice... made some very painful mistakes in the past. The only time she does come back is when I completely go silent.

I do not *think* she has has an affair before but am not 100% sure of course. We were together all the time minus work.

I really appreciate your advice in my situation... I think you have some valuable insight that I could use.

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My wife texted me on her own for the first time yesterday in 7 weeks. It was nothing special, she was telling me something about the electric bill password she changed (I think she thinks it messes up my account if she changes her password, no clue). Anyway, this the first uninitiated contact since she left.

Obviously, it is nothing to get excited about. What I did get excited about was:

1. When I saw her number on my phone (I deleted her contact info to keep me from texting her randomly awhile ago), I did not get that quick heart beat. I stayed status quo mentally. I think most people on here might understand how big that is.
2. I read the text, quickly processed the info, then promptly deleted the text. I decided there was no need for a response here. I did not want to throw away almost 3 weeks of no contact just to say 'thanks'.

I feel good about how I felt during this. It is such a little, stupid thing I know, but this is exactly the type of thing that has set me back in the past.

Her b-day is next week and I think I can be strong through that.

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