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Originally Posted By: ep0215
This is just me thinking this through, but I guess I never thought about thanking/praising him for doing things that were just expected of you. I never got a thank you for cleaning the house, doing the grocery shopping, taking care of the pets, etc. I see how that can lead to resentment. Why not thank him? What’s the harm? I know now what the harm is in not being grateful. LOL


How would you treat somebody that you expected NOTHING from?

Thats how we should be treating our walkaway spouses.

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Yes Azzork - I need to start doing that for sure.

So how exactly does that work when I am dark? If I notice something or want to say something should I reach out just to say thank you? Maybe I need to start going dim.


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
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Originally Posted By: ep0215
Yes Azzork - I need to start doing that for sure.

So how exactly does that work when I am dark? If I notice something or want to say something should I reach out just to say thank you? Maybe I need to start going dim.


If you have a kid together, there is only so dark you can go. The way I understand it, being "dark" is total no contact. You cant do that....you have a kid together! So, you still have some contact about schedules and activities and care and what not. There are plenty of opportunities to validate and offer thanks.

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I am glad you are willing to look at yourself in this...it is an absolute necessity for you to come out at the 'Woman you want to become.'

"This is just me thinking this through, but I guess I never thought about thanking/praising him for doing things that were just expected of you. I never got a thank you for cleaning the house, doing the grocery shopping, taking care of the pets, etc. I see how that can lead to resentment. Why not thank him? What’s the harm? I know now what the harm is in not being grateful. LOL"

I could type for a month and not succinctly express how I feel about this topic. Both spouses contribute to this. Both spouses built up resentment for years for not feeling appreciated. I know that is ultimately why I am here, among many others.

you are here so that it is why you must be the first to say, 'why not' and just do it. First you will have to let go of your resentment of his unappreciativeness towards you in the past(is that a word...it is now). Why? because we do things out of love and do not expect things in return. That is true giving out of love. that is showing how we feel without expectations or attaching a result to what we do. I do understand being angry at not being appreciated. REALLY I DO. we have to give that up at work, at home, in relationships.

Last summer my kids were playing with a bunch of the neighborhood kids in the back yard. they ran through a ground wasp nest and holy hell broke loose. I finally got them all inside and they were terrorized and wasps were still clinging and stinging them all. Anyways fast forward through the eradication of those pests. my neighbor is an ER nurse. she came over and put on some witches brew with lavender oil and a bunch of other stuff and started treating all five terrorized pre-teens. it was amazing.

anyway, the next day I took my boys and got flowers and had them go to her house and give them to her with a nice thank-you note. She started crying and hugged me...evidently she had not been given flowers in a decade and a half of marriage. she had not been told thank-you in a way that mattered to her for EVERYTHING she does.

made me think quite a bit about my marriage. I have gotten wife flowers as a thank-you once or twice a month for the last year. I know I've posted this before. It is just a minor reminder to my wife how much I appreciate her efforts. I honestly don't EXPECT anything back for the minor little gifts. it makes me feel good doing it.

And as Azz said, you are not quite dark with a little one in the mix, so there will be plenty of chances to shine as you are becoming the light!!!

Thanks for letting me type, I needed that today.

Last edited by Zephyr; 08/26/15 04:58 PM.

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ep0215 Offline OP
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Thank you Zephyr and Azzork - I have been thinking about this and this was a nice reminder of what I need to keep doing. I guess I say 'dark' but I do keep him updated on kid things and talk to him when I have to. I have stopped just reaching out to reach out. If it can wait until I see him or know I am going to talk to him about a kid thing then I will wait to tell him non-important things at that time.

It is time for me to start being the lighthouse. I feel like I am ready to start letting go of the anger and resentment for the 'unappreciativenss' and for the past behavior. I do not want to be that person who holds grudges. I didn't think I was doing that but now I see that I probably was. Today is a new day and I can start over.


Me:33 H:36
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I need some advice - I had to take our dog to the vet this morning to have her teeth extracted (she broke 3). I have been keeping H in the loop and let him pick the day that was best for him to pick her up and give her TLC while I am at work.

I let him know when she went into surgery and when I spoke to the vet about when she woke up. She is 12 years old so we were a little bit worried about her being under. Anyway, he was supposed to pick her up at 4:00, I haven't gotten an update or that he has even picked her up. This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I hate having to reach out to him to find out information. How can I make this a boundary that I would like for him to keep me in the loop like I have been with him.

One time he didn't call me for 2 hours after he took my S to the doctor and he had Strep Throat. I was so mad that he didn't call me right away.


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I decided to TM H at 5:30 to ask if he picked up the dog

Me: Did you pick up Fido?
H: yes
(this really bugged me because like a fool I expected more information. I know, I know, expect nothing) (and I shouldn't have responded when I was mad)
Me: I would like for you to keep me in the loop, like I do for you

As soon as I hit send I knew I shouldn't have sent it.

2 seconds later he is calling. Immediately starts in annoyed "why would you send a text like that?"

I tried explaining that I have been worried for over an hour and would have expected you to fill me in on her status as soon as you picked her up. We talked it out and he had every excuse in the book. "I picked her up late so it has only been an hour not an hour and a half. I have been stuck in traffic" Whatever.

We ended up staying on the phone for 25 minutes just talking about random things once he cooled down. I haven't had a 25 minute casual conversation with him in 4 months. I think it was a good sign, maybe he has missed talking to me. I made him laugh a few times and then ended the call first because I had plans smile

I think we may have made a teeny bit of progress.


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ep -
It's so hard. I still struggle with "how do I get information without 1) pursuing or 2) being controlling or 3) being insulting?"

As you can see, that text you sent comes across like youre judging and controlling...like you need him to check in with you about every little thing. I understand the need, and I dont have a solution. Just letting you know you arent alone here!

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ep0215 Offline OP
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Azzork - yes! exactly! I struggle with not wanting to be/sound controlling but I am so frustrated when he seems to make me beg for information. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone in this type of predicament.

I knew as soon as I typed it that it wasn't good


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
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ep0215 Offline OP
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Got a call from L yesterday that apparently Dr. C wants to meet with just me and L before our joint session on Tuesday to see where I am at with the weekly time-sharing plan. I am still where I was when I left two weeks ago. My decision has not changed. I will choose from one of the plans we laid out on paper that gives my S a consistent and stable schedule but quality time with each parent.

This made me very nervous because I feel like I am being pressured and bullied into bending to what he wants since he is stonewalling. My L assured me he won't let that happen. I want to believe that she is trying to protect our S since I am the only one stating my side as 'best interest of the child'. I think she wants to meet with us separately and not the other side because she wants to figure out how to play it once we are all together. I asked him she plans on meeting with him and his team and she said no.


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
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