Is there a right or a wrong Decision

[ATPeace]

Hi Azzork No I will not be sending any other notes

Anything that I do now is not for my W any longer I know it is for me ...a good example is when she first bombed ME i found it easy to loose weight I lost 2.5 stone believing she would then realise I can change ....well I still have a couple of stone to loose and just because my W is not interested in a R I will still loose the weight that I have to loose to be healthy

I know I have to get my head in the game and start detaching from her

I love My W but I have let her down

I Need to feel loved and she cannot give this to me
I Need affection and she cannot give this to me
I do not want affection with anyone else but I know she cannot give this to me
No matter what I will Be a great father to kids and this is regardless of what happens

My life has always been W and the kids

I Cannot control her
I Cannot make her change her mind
I Cannot make her love me again
She says she has got feelings but not strong loving feelings she says loves me but not in love
She Doesn't want me in that way and I cannot make her want me

She needs to be happy and for this to happen she has to be apart from me

Fear of loosing W .....already lost her
Fear of W meeting someone else....this will almost certainly happen
Fear of W friend ....leading W away from me on a different path ....this may happen but she is already away from me
Fear W friend will try to set w up on date ......she wants w to be happy so have to expect this
Fear of W finding love with someone else ......it will happen W has to be happy
Fear of W not wanting to be a part of my life ....she has already left

Let go of your fear it is time to let go of your fear

I love my W and I want her to be happy
I love my W and she needs to be happy
If I truly love her then I must let her go
Let her go and find the happiness that she is after
Do not hold on to her that is not loving

Expecting her to cohabit is not loving it is controlling
The longer I try to hold onto her the less she will love me and the more she will resent me

I have to Let go of my fear and let go of my W

[tkdmme]

Ghost,

I went back and read your situation. We have very similar situations. Like you W, my W is fine with living with me for the kids and we have conversations regarding the kids or work but If I bring up working on the M she reminds me that she hasn't changed her mind and she still wants a D. That is why I stopped talking to her about M. It put me back to square one emotionally every time.

Also, My W gave the same reasons as yours for wanting divorce. Housework, kids, emotional support. I don't think my wife is having an A but I haven't ruled it out. She has gone out of town to visit her friend (female) several times since BD. Im pretty sure that she is telling the truth but I have my suspicions.

The point is whether she is having an A or not, I cant do anything about it.

As for cohabitating, Although I know it would be hard for me, I almost wish she would move out. I hate coming home from work because it means that I have to keep my mouth shut about the M and that is hard for me. I have been able to do it lately but its still hard.

[Sotto]

Hi Ghost, I know that posting all of this must have been painful. But I do think you are on the right path here. Absolute acceptance of the current reality and a willingness to work with that and move forward yourself - that's progress I think.

Good luck to you. S xx

[ATPeace]

Ghost,

I went back and read your situation. We have very similar situations. Like you W, my W is fine with living with me for the kids and we have conversations regarding the kids or work but If I bring up working on the M she reminds me that she hasn't changed her mind and she still wants a D. That is why I stopped talking to her about M. It put me back to square one emotionally every time.

Also, My W gave the same reasons as yours for wanting divorce. Housework, kids, emotional support. I don't think my wife is having an A but I haven't ruled it out. She has gone out of town to visit her friend (female) several times since BD. Im pretty sure that she is telling the truth but I have my suspicions.

The point is whether she is having an A or not, I cant do anything about it.

As for cohabitating, Although I know it would be hard for me, I almost wish she would move out. I hate coming home from work because it means that I have to keep my mouth shut about the M and that is hard for me. I have been able to do it lately but its still hard.

I, have seen so many people with the same or very near same sitch

One,of the hardest things is seeing the W getting geared up for a night out clubbing or with male friends and knowing I can do feck all about it

[ATPeace]

Hi Ghost, I know that posting all of this must have been painful. But I do think you are on the right path here. Absolute acceptance of the current reality and a willingness to work with that and move forward yourself - that's progress I think.

Good luck to you. S xx

As I have found out in the past saying it and doing it are two different things but I have to keep telling myself I cannot change her mind it is her decision I have no control

[Georgia Bulldogs]

The point is whether she is having an A or not, I cant do anything about it

You may not be able to stop it but at least you'd know what you are up against.

There's a dividing line here on DB. Guys like Starsky, cadet (I believe) and I think the MWD suggestion that you don't snoop on your spouse is a protective measure against the obsessive snooping many betrayed spouses do once they discover their spouse is cheating. It is not meant to be a "never snoop" proposition whereby you just live in denial and make no attempts to discover the truth about your life. You can't fix your marriage unless you really know what's wrong with it....and you'll never be able to fix anything if there is a 3rd party interfering with it.

Ghost...I find it likely your wife is cheating OR has cheated. I find it very curious how you mention your good friend, God father to your children and how he continues to hang out with your wife AND seems to know her side of the story (very dangerous for married women to confide marital problems with men not their husband). He'd be suspect number 1 in my book and I can't tell you how many stories of good friends having an affair with the spouse while also giving the betrayed spouse marital advice I've heard. What better way for him to keep an eye on what you think and how close you may or may not be to busting him. However my (and your) suspicions means nothing unless you rule out the possibility once and for all.

Stop simply eavesdropping on conversations and seriously get yourself some intel. She's not going to say anything really incriminating around you. I used a voice activated digital voice recording device hidden in my wife's car to discover her "friendship" was much more than a "friendship". THEN...once you discover what you are up against....simply return the recording device to the store you bought it from and get on with working on saving your family KNOWING what the stakes are (that it's NOT 100% about you ....but, rather, her having an affair and cheating on you.)

Women only love one person at a time. When she says "I love you but I'm not in love with you" that is wayward wife code for "I love someone else now and not you anymore....at least, not like that". The reason you are making things worse now is because she has already friend zoned you and you are trying to FIX the romantic relationship with her. She THINKS she's done with that and in her mind you aren't accepting her bull crud. This invalidation of her she then uses as a further justification and rationalization to continue her behavior.

I would recommend you hide the recorder in her car for a couple days and then retrieve it and get some answers. DO NOT CONFRONT HER IMMEDIATELY. If you discover she's cheating come here to talk about what to do next and DO NOT disclose you recorded anything anywhere. Otherwise she will make it all about the fact you recorded her versus dealing with the real issue of her cheating. Use the information you hear to find another way to claim you know. Also, you may to have the ability to record again so you want to confront with other evidence and keep you best snooping method a secret. It doesn't take much proof because if she's cheating you won't have to prove it to her...she already knows....she just needs to be convinced that YOU know.

If you discover their isn't any other entanglement or affair....then you've accomplished putting your mind at ease about what she's doing behind your back and you can then focus on a walkaway wife plan versus a wayward wife plan.

The worse thing, in my mind, that you could do is to do nothing. You can't win a battle for your marriage and family without intelligence information. Your kids are counting on you to be smart here. Your wife is in a identity crisis. She needs your help. You aren't hurting her or doing anything wrong by finding out the truth and reacting accordingly. It sounds like she is making the biggest mistake of her life and as her husband she need you to figure it out and try to save her.

[ATPeace]

Thank you for your post Georgia

I am not trying to keep my head in the sand but my W is not having an A

I do know this she just wants to be single she did not get much of a chance to do the teenage things when she was young

She has fallen out of love with me but she is not looking for another man and I do believe this.

There is nothing I can do right now to change her mind believe me if I Could then I would

[ATPeace]

Right now it is all about goals and detachment my wife is gone I see a different person her love for me has gone

[mutatio]

Keep moving forward Ghost, a little everyday. We all have set backs but your are heading in the right direction. It gets easier to maintain your emotional balance as you gain the momentum of moving forward.

I was gone from here a week, during which what I realized about my marriage would have crippled me emotionally months ago, now is par for the course.

Slow and steady will get you there.

[tkdmme]

Ghost,

How are so sure that your wife is not having an A. Im just wondering because I feel the same as you. I don't think my wife is having an A but in the back of my mind and from what I have read in this site, im not sure anymore.

She comes straight home after work and we are together most every weekend. If I am not with her the kids are. I doesn't mean that much because I know not to believe what she says but she says she is not and doesn't want anything to do with any man right now.

Back when I was snooping I looked through her phone records and emails and found nothing suspicious. I handle all of our money and I haven't found anything there either. I want to believe her but I still have my doubts. I was thinking of the voice recorder Idea but im not sure. If she is not having an affair I still might hear something that would make me feel worse. Example, I looked in her phone while she was sleeping one night and saw a bunch of texts to her sister where she is basically talking trash about me. Of course this all happened before I found DBing.

I also found a Victoria's secret bag. I confirmed that her sister had given her a gift card. So I have done some investigating and have found nothing really incriminating.

I was just wondering how are you so confident that she is telling the truth?