Is there a right or a wrong Decision

[ATPeace]

Vapo

Thank you for your comments

You ask what else could she do I guess there is much

She could say right we are selling seh could say I want to go to separate houses so I would get to see my kids less

She could limit how much I do see my kids

You did make an interesting point that has made me think I am giving her too much power

Ok completely different question she currently uses my spare car day to day rather than using her car that is much bigger and more thirsty should I stop her using my spare car ?

The other thing is AA car recovery service is due for renewal she says she cannot afford the membership we hav joint membership do I renew her membership or do I cancel it

Many thanks

Gary

[Vapo]

Gary,

this is where you put your foot down. She is as much a parent as you are, so do not be intimidated. It seems to me like she rattles something and you cave in. I get it, I really do, but that is not the way to go.

And no, do not renew her AA. It's her car, is it not? I have a feeling that fixing stuff for our Ws is what got us in this mess to begin with...

[ATPeace]

Vapo thank you my main concern with the aa breakdown cover is what happens if she brakes down and has the kids with her

She is currently a joint member as,my W but she says that she cannot afford it it is like £40 for the year or less

She also has the benefit of using my spare car part of me thinks I should say she cannot use it but then this just seems petty

Got to work more on GAL and Detaching

[ATPeace]

[censored] [censored] [censored]
Well ok I think I may have found out why it is not a good idea to snoop
In house separation I thought would be a good thing .....now I am not sure

[censored] it I have had enough I do not think I can do this for much longer

Every day I have my W arround me every day but she is not there for me it is so [censored] hard

Will post later

[tkdmme]

Ghost,

Calm down and relax. I know how you feel. I did some snooping awhile back and didn't like what I found. It doesn't prove anything but it made me more suspicious.

I know exactly how you feel. I even went through the whole "should I fix the car situation myself". It makes things very difficult when the W is still in the same house. get out of the house for a while.
Do you play golf? it helps me tremendously.

Hang in there. it will get better.

[u-turn]

Hi Ghost - I agree that in-house separation is very hard - all of the challenges are hard to avoid - loving detachment is hard - learning not to snoop, react, notice, mind read.... is hard.

I found all of this out and lived through this type of separation. It did not work for me and I turned cold. I really believe I would be closer to a R if we spent time in a physical separation.

I did not become detached until she really hit some of her lowest points - and was striking out like a wounded animal. At that point I knew all I could do is remove her from my head (even though it was difficult at times because I still saw her for a short time every day). It didn't take long after that to start viewing things like a fly on the wall watching the circus and I was reminded often why I need to be detached.

I haven't read much of your thread but will. Though I don't feel like an expert about anything around here, I feel like the in-house separation is something that I can talk about.

I know it is painful. Hang in there.

[ATPeace]

When we first seperated it did not feel like we had it just felt like we had stopped the intermacy but 2 months on I see her distancing herself from me. She makes plans to go clubbing with a girl friend a friend that has also recently split with her partner

I think the friend is having an influence on my W with regard to clubbing and going out .....my W says that she is not looking for another guy but I believe it will be her friend that will suggest to her to date or will try to match her with someone else on one of the clubbing sessions

I want to have a conversation with my wife but I know I cannot she can't be reasoned with.

She said something to her friend the other night that I over heard she said something like ....doesn't he realise he is making it worse so if she is referring to me and I think she was then what ever I am doing is wrong but I cannot even ask her what am I doing wrong ...,it has been about 11 weeks since she bombed me

I do not feel i am making any progress

[Vapo]

Ghost, that is why they call it stinkin' thinkin'. You cannot possibly know what she was talking about, so do not assume it's about you. You do not matter to her any more. Do not snoop and do not assume. Assumption is the mother of all fcukups. This is why you detach, so you do not get hurt by this $hit.

I know it hurts, I really do, I've been there, but it does get better.

And perhaps she is not looking for another guy, but she does want to be noticed, to be sexy... And that leads to trouble. But you cannot do anything about it. In fact, anything you try (like talking to her, or talking to her friend) will just make thing worse, much worse.

Go on with your life, live like your W isn't there (but no dating) and become a strong and confident Ghost. Strong and confident = sexy And when you start feeling good about yourself, people WILL notice you.

NO ASSUMPTIONS, NO SNOOPING, IT ONLY BRINGS TROUBLE!!! And for the life of me, please do try to listen. We all say pretty much same things to you, but if you keep ignoring us...

[Vanilla]

Jim referred to such a friend as PF (poisonous friend).

You have no control over this, and discussing it will make WW petulant and argumentative.

Intel is different to snooping, ask why you want to know, is it for strategy to protect yourself or for knowledge or mere curiosity?

There is a saying if you snoop you get poop. In other words can be fed garbage and be set up.

V

[Azzork]

I do not feel i am making any progress

You can't make progress with her right now. You just can't.
She won't change her behaviors until you change yours

Are you ready to start changing yet?

Let's go back to the DR book...starting over with a beginner's mind.

Then, let's set some goals.

It's time to start actually busting your divorce, Ghost.