Is there a right or a wrong Decision

[ATPeace]

First thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2586771#Post2586771

Second thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2588947#Post2588947

Third thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2595857&page=12


Fourth thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2597932&page=1

Fith thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2602013&page=1

So time to start a new thread I hope to use this to help me to distance myself from my W over time

Co sharing the house while we still get along so we can both see the children as much as possible

W seporated from me two months ago because I did not do enough for her over the years and show her the love that she desired not enough arround the house or with the kids.

W tells me she does not feel that way about me any more
W ILUBNILWU

We get along with each other last night we went out for a meal conversation flowed between us we stayed off relation talk

I did nearly talk about us but she stopped me and we just carried on with normal chatter.

Can we just be friends is this an option to go from in love with
each other to just good friends

[asitis]

Yes it is an option. It also is likely a good route forward, esp. if you can truly make it about no-strings-attached get together when it is mutually pleasurable and enjoy it for what it is. That is where my DB coach is trying to get my W & I. From there the R can get better (not necessarily reconciliation, but she thinks it is more likely from that basis). This is esp. true if your R started out first as a friendship that grew into a romance, but it is a lot better to go through the decades of co-parenting as friends than as uncomfortable, awkward, hurting, and conflictual semi-partners in the project. No?

The general wisdom here seems to be to not always say yes to invitations. If W can't keep a friend "date," never make a big deal about it, just as a good friend wouldn't. No being an H. Just an interesting, pleasant friend. The more interesting stuff going on in your life, the more she might get drawn back in to being interested in sharing that life at least in some manner. So if you can pull it off, I'd recommend (& this also is a suggestion from my DB coach) thinking about your GAL activities to doing interesting things that make you interesting. It is a win-win, as having an interesting life & being interesting good in and of itself, W gains a friend she might turn to again some day, and kids gain co-parents who get along and work well together and even show some love for each other.

Slow, cautious, and no rushing ahead too fast. Just new friends getting to know each other don't expect their friend to let them too deep into their life right away. It is just about enjoying each other's company every once and a while.

Sounds promising to me.

[ATPeace]

Thank for the quick reply ...I might not have been totally clear ...I am talking about being friends but remaining in our house / home together (but not together)

I do not know if I can physically cope with selling the home and moving to two houses

She says she will cohabit until such time as it does not work

So firstly ...I think in my mind it is not over until it is over (I gues what I am thinking and feeling is until I experience the never seeing her again moment) in my mind things will not be final....however with four children together I cannot not see us not seeing each other I do realise in separate houses this will be much clearer to see.

I find it incredibly hard to let go ..you may say she has already let go but the fact that she still clearly wants to be friends we do things as a family we watch TV box series together (but not together) she cooked for me I cook for her we do each other's washing.

she depends on me less and less and is asking less and less of me where as I am still asking of her

I have not let go ...she has

[asitis]

I doubt she has if she isn't pushing forward on separate living spaces. And you had a friendly time. That is great at this point.

Let me ask you: Are tensions rising? Are you in conflict more or less? Is she escalating her demands or spewing more?

Sometimes the signs of progress are in what is not happening.

That said, you'll want to evaluate whether or not co-habitating is working from time to time. But if things are settling down and she is getting the space she wanted and not escalating, then let that be for a while. Focus on you, keep things light and friendly, and be patient.

Don't let her cake eat, of course. But she's still there. She's not saying I need to have a place of my own to start building my new life. She's OK with limbo. None of that looks like a sitch wo/ hope. It may be best if you start moving on a bit. Let her feel like she is being left behind a bit. It will be good for you if nothing else. I suspect you'll get some attention though.

[ATPeace]

Thank you yes I do need to be making more friends that is 100 percent

I realise that the more I think I about my friends and my W friends she has lots more that she can call on when she needs to.

I Need to join something new a new club or social event

This is something I must start to do i am really not sleeping well at the moment this does not help with the thinking ....

[asitis]

Then it seems like figuring out how to start getting some sleep is something to work on. Are you exercising? Are you doing anything else to de-stress? Meditation, yoga, tai-chi, etc.? Watch some comedians and get some laughing going. Something. If it really is interfering and you've been taking some steps to do some of this, then maybe a little break from DBing, some time away from the house, etc. to change your pattern a bit. In a sense, disrupt your habitual, as you can get into patterns that reinforce the problem in subtle ways.

[ATPeace]

Today I just cannot get my head out of thinking about what might happen got to be thinking of just today

Everything is pretty static at the moment and it is only when I start to think what may happen that my mind races and it becomes very difficult to think straight

Dr has given me anti depressants he says they take a few weeks to kick in

Wanted to stay off the medication for as long as possible

Got my children to help to keep me strong knowing I will be arround to care for them and see them all grow up means so much to me right now

I do not want to become a doom and gloom poster I am needing to get a good nights sleep

Does anyone here have difficulty sleeping and waking erly and have any tips on sleeping I never used to have any problems sleeping

Would the Dr give me sleeping tablets or can I get herbal ones ? Should I try to avoid them ...someone I know said night nurse is good at helping people to sleep

Thanks in advance

Ghost

[dwh15]

I had sleeping issues for a while, several weeks. Still get them once in a while. I would suggest asking your doctor about a sleep aid. You shouldn't need it forever, but might be helpful for a month or two. You can also try Benadryl, as that has a natural side-effect of drowsiness, and it is easily found on any drug store shelf. Just take a couple of those about an hour before bed time and it may help you relax.

On the friends thing, I have mixed feelings. I agree that if you can pull it off, it's a good idea. But it certainly makes detaching a more difficult process. If there is no OM in the picture, then I think it's probably a good idea to try and be friends. My WW is all about the friendship thing, and I went along for a few weeks, but eventually realized she was cake eating, using me for money and favors, plus she even got comfortable talking about OM and I just couldn't handle that. So I backed off, and decided I was not interested in being a friend while she has OM. Maybe I'll try again when he's out of her life, or when I have totally given up on the M. It's a hard transition to make in your mind, especially when you still have those romantic feelings for your W. Good luck.

[otw]

Ghost
you and are in the same boat. Living in the same house during these hard times. I relate to you on so many levels. My W and I can go along acting great towards each other but no kind of R. I begin to think everything is ok because i get to see my kids everyday and still see my W even though it hurts that we are not in a loving R. we have had a few disagreements on things over the past 5 months and that is when she decides to push things further. The most recent is now she wants to meet about a formal S and not living together. we have an appointment Monday. After this was set she went back to acting the same again like nothing is wrong. I just can not do that anymore. it has been going too long. I am at the point thinking that the S might be my only chance left. I do not want this route but really can not see another way. I am still trying to get on with different methods while we lead up to this and still detach. I have chosen to no longer object to the S and move along with it. this will be a complete 180 from before.

Believe me, i kow how hard this is. As far as the anti dep. I was prescribed something for anxiety which run a long the same lines. I fought it for a while as i do not like taking meds. I gave it about 2 months and stopped cold turkey. I think it did more harm than good. Not telling you not to try but work with the doctor very thoroughly on finding something right. maybe even first just get something to help you sleep instead. It will do wonders for your PMA. I battled a long time with sleep and while on the meds it was worse.

I do take Melatonin now for sleep as i always have.

Sending you prayers.

[Fogg]

Exercise would be good if your not doing it already. There's a reason it's listed among the first things you should be doing when we get here. It has a similar effect that antidepressants have. I believe it can also help with sleep. It might not seem like it but I really can confirm it does. Early on when my mood would crash and I would be miserable and emotional I realized I stopped exercising several days before. Exercise kept me just above that sane line where I was in control of my emotions.