Thanks Lost and As. H is in surgery now. He is having some bone mass removed from his foot. While waiting to go in, I was sitting with him and just chatting, small talk. Felt relaxed but I was (of course) missing the deeper connection. About 10 minutes before they took him in I decided to give him a foot and calf massage. He just closed his eyes and leaned back and I could tell he was enjoying it.
I give awesome massages, btw. Pre-BD I would give him a massage at least once a week, since then maybe 3x (before I stopped pursuing). Then he went back, no hug, no kiss, but at least I found a way to comfort him and show him love in a non-demanding way.
After surgery I have my singing lesson, then D14's high school orientation, then drinks with a friend. Busy day.
I just re-read my post and I want to clarify that it is the counselor who is putting a positive spin on things NOT H. H kind of goes along with the flow, but the positivity is coming from the counselor. And he said he (the counselor) has been really hard on me up until now and he wants to be as equally praising of me that I have done so much hard work on myself. So maybe now he will get H onboard or force him to work on himself.
And, maybe because of counselors better attitude, H didn't spew. Or maybe because H wasn't spewing the counselor became more positive. Not sure which one but definitely things are a lot more positive in there. H definitely wanted to complain but the counselor cut him off. The counselor said that he wants to shift our "work" to building on the good for awhile before we go back to tackling problems.
One line of thinking in couples counseling is make the disgruntled partner feel like they are understood and will not be criticised for their choices. Then, with the relationship established, that spouse will be more inclined to listen back & consider. There is merit to this if you don't piss off the pursuing spouse (a risk that they take on the assumption that the pursuing spouse will hang in there and do what it takes - they are already on board with the program).
The problem is that it is often the man who needs to be challenged and lead to empathy & listening. So, it is not an easy balancing act. This is why it takes specialized training compared to IC: you've got three clients in the room - H, W, and the R. It is a system that moves according to dynamics all its own and takes a nuanced approach by the MC. Sounds like MC was doing something like this and either feels that he and H have established the R enough to begin working on the R, or he feels he was missing a bit on his balancing act, and is adjusting to compensate.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thanks As, I think that is exactly what he is doing. He actually told me this in the beginning, but over the last 6 months the intensity of the spew and MC's seeming support for it has really thrown me. I would have thought he'd have stepped in at some point to help me out, or given me some guidance other than "be patient and take care of your own emotional state." I really am going through hell. As you all know.
Azzork, I know, we are all in the same boat. Some days I wonder if it is really worth fighting to stay married to someone who would put me through this. I know, I know, I had my role in the M problems. I am fully aware of that. But I don't deserve this.
And now my In laws are on their way. I was just informed they are on their way and staying for 4 nights. And they hate me, literally, they hate me and get H all spun up and angry. How am I going to maintain my emotional state with them here, this is a big set up for failure. I don't think I can pass this test.
OK, I am lining up friends who are in town this weekend so I have lots of people to visit. If I can get out a couple of times a day to go for a walk, meet up with a friend for a cup of tea (or wine) that will help. I also am taking D14 out for a few hours on Saturday morning, and then I have church on Sunday morning. So that is the plan.
I am taking charge of my kids bedtime and meal times, just because the Inlaws are here does not mean its a free-for-all. That will not go over well, it never does. I am sure I will be on here venting quite a bit.
Good luck with the visit. Sorry you feel you need to get out of the house but do what is best for you. Be busy not çold/avoiding. And when you go out it is because you already had plans, not that you need air.
Just my thoughts
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Azzork, I know, we are all in the same boat. Some days I wonder if it is really worth fighting to stay married to someone who would put me through this. I know, I know, I had my role in the M problems. I am fully aware of that. But I don't deserve this.
None of us do. When my wife handed me divorce papers, she said "oh. and Im going to start seeing OM" like 1) she hadnt been seeing him already 2) like I didnt know/strongly suspect it was coming 3) she wanted to hurt me and 4) like my actions during the time of separation forced her to do it. And yet, somehow, Im still here, standing for what I believe is right..
But Ive stopped fighting FOR my marriage. Im standing for my marriage. Im trying my hardest to stay the lighthouse as she sorts through what she needs.
But I am FIGHTING for me. I am FIGHTING for my kids.
I will accept the future success or failure of my marriage. I cant keep fighting for it.
Originally Posted By: photoka
And now my In laws are on their way. I was just informed they are on their way and staying for 4 nights. And they hate me, literally, they hate me and get H all spun up and angry. How am I going to maintain my emotional state with them here, this is a big set up for failure. I don't think I can pass this test.
Nope. It's not a setup for failure. It's a setup for opportunity. If you take away their reasons to hate you, they wont be able to keep on hating you. You can do it, PK.
Thank you Roiste, I do need to get out of the house, my mother-in-law never stops talking. If she runs out of things to say she repeats herself or reads out loud. She is working her way through reading the internet. Out loud. And as soon as we are alone in a room together she gets very nasty, then puts on the sweet act whenever someone else steps back in.
