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Yep. Any time I think about doing something, I lay down for a while, and that crazy notion passes.

Doing nothing is a choice. And usually a strong one.

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I did nothing. But I am on here to tell all of my DB friends what I cannot tell my H. I am not a consolation prize. I did not deserve to be cheated on. I did not deserve to be raged and spewed at for 3 months, followed by 3 months of the silent treatment.

I stayed calm and pleasant today even though I am so unbelievably sad and lonely. I am going to sleep tonight and tomorrow will be much better. Tomorrow I am babysitting, then IC, then D14's IC, then MC, then after all of that meeting up with a friend for a drink. It will be a very intense day of counseling.

I have been humbled, and I have been hurt, hurt worse than I ever thought possible. But I am stronger for it and I will be ok.

I am going to bed now, good night DB'ers.



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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
As, I think if we see ourselves as losers then we cease to act positively in our lives. Even if our SOs are encouraging our own world view is a big obstacle.

It may be damaging to our self worth if others define us as 'losers' and treat us that way.

Every human is worthy simply because they are themselves. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and seeing others as unique and special is a great strength.

Our world view is best when we are positive.

Photoska, choose to project love and strength to others. Chanel the best you have.

V


I was trying to respond to P with a bit of humor. Of course, I don't think her H was just a loser. I think one of the most important things we can take from our Rs is to see the other with compassion and understanding, just as we also need to do so with ourselves.

In my view, nobody is fully responsible for their successes or their failings. We learn and grow as individuals only through our Rs with other people. We are always a combination of our genetic inheritance, our socialization, the impacts of our Rs w/ our family of origin, our social, racial, gender, and ethnic position (subordinate or privileged). All these things, plus the chance of the myriad interactions of so many other people's lives that impact us. No matter what, nobody sets out to try to be unhappy. We are all doing our best.

That said, sometimes we have to have a bit of humor to vent. P said (I read jokingly) that she always thought H's social ineptitude was just the result of him being a loser. I just went along with the joke. Probably should have added an emoticon to make that clear.



Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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I was also joking about the "loser" comment. And just to clarify, he had good social skills before BD, so I think it has something to do with his current mental state. He is so wrapped up in himself. And part of my comment comes from him being extremely cruel to me while he was spewing about my social skills- he called me socially retarded and said he is sick of "socially parenting" me. Since then I have been observing his social skills, and they are not all that great. And mine aren't that bad- I have trouble mingling at parties, but I do fine one on one with people. I am an introvert, and I do have some social anxiety so his comments cut deep. But I have a lot of friends and I am very active in the community, so its not like I am socially disconnected.

I had a great sleep last night. I am ready for today. Anxiety is still there though, but less than yesterday.

This is going to be a therapy-intense day. I have my IC, D14's IC, and then MC. The good news is that after today we are switching to an every other week MC schedule. I needed a break on the MC and didn't want to completely end it, so this is a good compromise.



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My goals for today:

My IC: find some direction, work on finding a way to release my anger in a healthy way. Find a way to cope with inlaws potential visit this weekend.

D's IC: let her counselor know that she picks on S constantly and is still reacting with rage to my "noises" - like if I sip tea, or touch my face, she will scream in my face . Between D screaming at me, and S crying because D is "picking on him" there is pretty much constant crying in my house. And it is wearing me out.

My MC: stay calm, exude a calm and pleasant attitude. Do not react. Validate that H has been initiating more small talk lately, which is a good thing, but don't act over enthused. Find a way to be open about my needs without projecting neediness. That one is hard.



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That's a lot of emotional intensity for one day. Do you have anything planned for self-care after that? Even a babysitter and a bath.

Good luck.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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Wow, that really is intense Photo. Can you take a kickboxing class and then get a massage?!

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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Intense counseling day but all ok. I came home and sat on my D14 and tickled her and rolled around acting silly and then had a big sing along with my kids. Acting like a big kid. Pure silliness fueled by giggling kids= the best stress release.

Counseling went well. MC took a huge turn in approach. Up until recently MC was very negative, very focused on problems and mostly spew from H about how terrible I am, with MC seeming to agree with H. Suddenly though MC is more positive. I noticed last week, he was putting a positive spin on things, and he upped it even more this week. He made a big deal about how great I am doing, how I am giving H space, giving up my need to "be right" my need to "control things" and how I am managing my own emotions and being calm and non-reactive. Told H that this was an act of love, and that most people don't "get this" and he is always so thrilled when someone does because it changes things dramatically.

After all that was said and done, H said he had some complaints but didn't know if he should voice them because they would seem petty. MC said "sit on them for now, we all have complaints about our spouses, nobody is or ever will be perfect, lets focus for now on the positive changes that your W has made." I could have hugged him for that! I owe it ALL to DB'ing. Seriously, it has taken me a long time to get here, but I am here now and it is all due to your feedback and support and sharing. THANK YOU!!!!

If MC takes a positive turn- then either H will get on board and things will improve. Or he won't and then I will know better what I am up against. Up until now I felt like MC was encouraging H to wallow in his depression and feel like a victim. So, we will see. Either way, I feel better getting off the "W is so evil" train of thought that seems to be so popular in my life lately.

Gotta go to bed, H has surgery in the morning (minor) and I need to get up early. Gotta be there to pull the plug if necessary. Just kidding! I am a kidder. Doesn't always go over well in writing. Have a good night DB'ers.



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Wow! Photoka, so happy for you to hear about a positive turn. And the silliness with your children is the best!

Love it!

Wishing you an equally bright tomorrow. Sleep well smile


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
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Very good day. Playing like that with your kids is the best way to bond, be there for them, and allow them the safe space from which they can disclose their emotions and process them. So, you get an A+ on your parenting report card!


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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