I have decided that I will be a DB success story no matter what happens with H. But in the meantime, please bear with me! I can't do it without the support I get here.
I have a lot of positive goals for now-September. Mostly finishing up some projects around the house, exercising (started up again this week, walking 2-3 miles per day), getting set up with the school yearbook (my big volunteer job- I "do" the entire yearbook for the elementary school, 1000 kids, HUGE job), and getting my resume into the right hands by the end of September.
As far as DB I need to continue remaining calm and not "taking the bait"- I am exuding a calm confidence that is getting less "fake" by the day and becoming more of a reflection of who I really am. Still working on it, but getting easier.
H seems to be responding well to the "calmer" me. Which really means I am not bringing up ANY issues at all, which isn't realistic for the long term, but, hey, it beats fighting or being dumped. So for now, no issues will be brought up by me. He actually spoke to me today, small talk, but it was relaxed and felt natural.
I can visualize a day (today!) where I want a full and connected R. I can wait longer to see if H will come around, but I can honestly say that I will not wait forever. I still love H and I still want to be with him, but life is short and I will not stay with a checked out man forever. I am tired of grieving for him, tired of analyzing my every move and his, tired of waiting for an "I love you" which may never come, tired of waiting on the occasional hug, or the random text, its not enough and its not meeting my needs. I will NOT live like this forever. I just won't. I wouldn't want my sons to treat their wives this way in the future, and I wouldn't want my daughter to be treated this way.
I am NOT absolving myself of any blame, I actually carry a lot of guilt and blame, but I am done beating myself up. DONE. I have suffered enough, I have changed, and will continue to. I know better now, and I am doing better now. H can hold himself to whatever standard he wants to, but he does not decide for me my standards.
What a great positive message, photoka! I am inspired by you and the strength you have.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Try not to carry guilt. You did things you regret & would do differently now. That's enough of a load to carry.
Sounds like you have a good plan.
What are you doing for fun in Sept.? You know, just for kicks & giggles. You may not feel that much like it, but it's something that I'd not ignore in the plan.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
For fun? That's a hard one. I am taking my daughter to go see Ed Sheeran in concert. Maybe I should plan a girls night out with my friends. I'm going to think about this.
Great must read thread, and a boost for me today. I'm still struggling with our date night, which was always Friday night. And the weekends have been unbearably difficult.
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
I still have my unbearable times. It just hit me about 15 minutes ago so I came on here. But the waves are getting less frequent and don't last as long. I think my greatest fear now is that H is just going through the motions with counseling, so that he can say "I tried everything" to justify his leaving, when meanwhile he is not trying at all. So my fear is not that I will lose him, but that I will go through this pain all over again.
Also, my daughter was so sick for so long, and now she is better and I am not able to enjoy finally having some peace because of my M situation. And my fear is that I will never have a time of peace in my life. I find moments here and there, but I cannot remember there ever being a time in my life without extreme stress.
I am going to focus on the little moments of peace I find now and expand on them. I get 5-10 minutes here and there fairly easily, I can enjoy my kids, music, nature. Some days I can go a few hours at a time, like yesterday. Other days are a little harder. I need to learn how to be ok regardless of what is going on in my life.
For fun? That's a hard one. I am taking my daughter to go see Ed Sheeran in concert. Maybe I should plan a girls night out with my friends. I'm going to think about this.
That's the spirit. Girls night out is always a good one to make the H take notice too.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
ugggh, Ed Sheeran. He is a great singer. Unfortunately, my WW started listening to him all the time when she started her affair. Now it makes me sick to hear him sing. It is like "Silver Lining Playbook."
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Also, I had a dream that I "got together" with one of the guys from this board. His name was Will and he looked exactly like the coach from Friday Night Lights. (Is this anybody here? In my dream it made sense)
Anyway, he understood me, and we were working together measuring mail (?? again it made sense in the dream). Then he told me he loved me and we had a very nice time and romantic time having sex in the mail room (there was a bed, hey I don't make up these dreams). And then we cuddled up and he dropped dead of a heart attack. And my first thought was "I guess I should have stayed with H after all, at least he is still alive."
Anyway, if you look like the coach from Friday Night Lights and your name is Will and you work in the mail room, maybe you should get your heart checked. WTF is wrong with me? I can't even get away from my problems when I am sleeping.
