Day Two

[Lifes Twists]

Thanks AJM,

The thing that is the hardest to understand is how angry the kids were with their mother for associating with me because of the fact she apparently told them I was the cause of her S attempt. When they confronted her on it she was very confused and told them she did not remember saying that. The kids told her she told everyone and how will she handle telling her family. I have talked to them and told them that many times people in crisis say things the dont remember later. I told them their mothers illness also contributes to this.

Working through all this and giving time for things to happen is like watching grass grow. It is so slow it never really seems like it will happen.

[AJM]

Like watching grass grow? Hang on then. Sometimes I find it more like watching paint dry, crack and peel...without a sound track.

I imagine it is frustrating, LT. I can understand how your children felt though and why anger was the first thought. They are worried about their mother and were led to believe you were the cause of the issue. And here you are back in the picture. That should trigger all kinds of problems for the kids, don't you think?

You already know this, but your W needs professional help. No question about that. So your kids are left with trying to understand what's going on. They get pieces of the story, and then get hit with these "gems" that crop up. Which further fuels the concern, anxiety, and worry. They are not thinking their mom is "crazy" because they were fed a story which satiated them at the time. Now they are being told that she doesn't remember saying that? How to make sense of that?

You are the rock in this picture. And the guiding force for them follow through. That's important and your place as a parent, but hard for them to adjust to one of you doing that. But you have to admit - for them it's even harder than it is for you because they are watching their mom, somebody they trust implicitly, wobble all over the place.

Has your W been evaluated as part of the s attempts? What did they say about what's going on?


AJ

[Lifes Twists]

Hi AJ,

She is under the care of professionals in terms of mental health. I have seen good progress once it appeared that she is coming out of the fog. I think part of the anger is what was said by W, but also suspect some was fueled by what their aunts may have told them. They also may have been put under a heavy burden by their aunts and maybe are angry that they did not let me know so they did not have to carry the burden alone.

I am not sure what was the doctors may have said about the attempts. That may be a conversation for the future. She has explained some of it by how hard menopause hit her on top of her on going depression.

[AJM]

Any consideration to going to see a professional as a family? Just you and the kids as a way to clear the air? Or is that being handled by your current steps?

From my perspective as an outsider, I see how hard it might be for the girls and you. Especially if other family is involved. I can only imagine how hard it must be.

AJ

[Lifes Twists]

Given that this has all just come to light and we had a family meeting I want to see how things progress. The two older ones are back to college now and less inclined to do a family thing right now. They have just asked us to be open about it rather than trying to meet up and hiding it. The youngest is back in Hschool and at that age she wants nothing to do with us anyhow. I will have to keep an eye on them and see if something appears that I have to seek help with. I do think the family meeting cleared the air a bit and maybe allow everyone to move forward.

Its hard when her family thinks they are coming to her rescue like a knight riding in on a white horse and then continue to interfere from a distance but are not here to really deal with the aftermath of their interference.

[AJM]

Its hard when her family thinks they are coming to her rescue like a knight riding in on a white horse and then continue to interfere from a distance but are not here to really deal with the aftermath of their interference.

So you know the score. The world is still spinning, family is still involved and possibly unknowingly continuing old familiar habits..

That just means you and W will have to make adjustments of sorts, right?

I think it's wise to know and to wait with the kids. Their ask seems reasonable considering how it affects them as well.

Hang in there. Things never stay the same forever

AJ

[Lifes Twists]

Hi everyone,

It has been a while. Things are moving terribly slow. Sometimes I thinks it is getting better, then she pulls back again. She definitely sends a lot of mixed signals.

We have done a few things together as a family. She and I also have gone out for ice cream on quite a few Sundays. The draw back is that she also mentions how angry her family will be if we were to get back together.

My two oldest girls are also struggling with being around their mother. They both recognize that she has changed. My oldest cried one day when I drove her back to school. She feels she has lost her mother and that she will never return.

My middle daughter says she goes and stays with her only because she feels if she doesn't that her mom may attempt suicide again. She says her friends ask where she is when they call. If she is at my home they come over to hang out and make plans. If she is her mothers they decide where to meet up rather than go there.

Lately I am feeling that she is leading me on.She says there is a possibility of us getting back together, but then falls back on the people will be angry. I am lately feeling like maybe she is holding me for plan b while she figures out if there might be something else where she wont have to deal with the anger of her family.

I feel like I have been extremely patient. I am getting itchy to see something happen or move on myself. I do want to have someone in my life. I am starting to question whether she is worth the wait. I am feeling that she will never be happy and ask myself if I want to continue to have that in my life.

can one ever get away from the craziness when there are kids involved? I sometimes wonder if it is fair to bring someone into this situation? Am I off the wall or is this a normal part of the process to feel this way?

[mirage]

Life,

The answer is yes. You can get away from the craziness even with kids involved but you have decide that then make it happen.

And yes to your other question. It's normal to feel whether it's fair to bring someone into your life.....

Think of it this way. It's now your life, how you chose to make it. If you can set the boundaries for yourself then you can make this new life how you want to live it.

Just so you know, it took me a while too. It's not an overnight process but a gradual "living the answers" as you feel out a whole new life.

I love the way you are a stand up guy for your daughters. That makes me know you will be alright with what you choose going forward.

Mirage

[Lifes Twists]

Thanks Mirage,

I think the hardest part I am dealing with in terms of getting away from the craziness is working through my daughters fears in regards to their mother. They have all expressed a fear that their mother will attempt suicide again. They all react differently to this fear. I sometimes feel I have to deal with the exs craziness in order to help her thru issues so she does not sink too far into her own hole and get to the place again where she thinks the only way out is to do what she tried before. I feel this way mostly because I dont want my daughters to have to live with the consequences of it is she does do it and succeeds. I do tell my daughters that it is not their burden. That it is an illness and they just have to be compassionate and give her time and the space that she may need.

I think that maybe one area I made a mistake is that i have probably over protected my daughters from the consequences of my wife actions. I have tried to keep things going in their lives in terms of college choices and stuff that is getting beyond my means to support as a single dad. This has not allowed either my kids or their mother to see the full ramifications of my wifes decisions. This may have also slowed the process one way or the other. I am coming to the conclusion that I have to pull back on this significantly. I think maybe it is time I allow them all to grow up.

This is a hard road we are all on. You never realize how much mental illness can affect your family till it does.

[peacetoday]

Hi

I think it is ok to "shelter" the kids from their MLCer choices and life
I have also took on the full financial load to raise 2 kids and one in college
I am grateful that I could do it , but God has provided for all our financial needs
I think my kids had not had to move or change to much of their lives
everything stayed the same except their Dad was no longer present
NO contact for many years..he M OW and moved out of state
I think that part has been good for them

So I guess Im saying no need to try to prove or teach anyone anything
Try to provide as best you can
community colleges are good also
my D has part time jobs ,,that also helps pay for her expenses at college