Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 384
D
dwh15 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 384
Well, I broke the news of the new job to WW tonight. I started out sending it in a text, then she immediately called. She said there was too much to discuss to stick to texting. So we talked for around 30 minutes; the longest we've spoken in several weeks. She did the basic congrats, asked some specifics, and then of course wanted to know how much it paid and if she could rely on financial help in the near future. I didn't give her salary info, but just said it wasn't as good as I had hoped but better than unemployment. Also told her no help at all until end of September, but then we could discuss. I am considering giving her some assistance to help with meals on nights the kids come over, even if it's in the form of a gift card to a local grocery store. I'll have to think about it.

Also told her i would be covering me and kids on new insurance but not her. It was simply too expensive. She seemed a little surprised but said she understood and that she would be applying for state assistance. I told her that she should and was surprised that she had not already done so. She was apparently waiting to see how things panned out with my job sitch first. Anyway, I put that idea to rest, so now she'll be trying for Medicaid. She may as well get used to reality now.

She will be coming to my house for a couple of hours 2 days next week in the middle of the afternoon to check on kids and feed them lunch. They don't start school until following week and I didn't feel comfortable having them home alone most of the day. I could have driven home every day at lunch, which is what I will end up doing the days she does not come, but it saves me some trouble and will give her time with S16 and S10, whom she rarely sees. She actually seemed pleased about the idea and was surprised I suggested it. She also mentioned taking the rest of her clothes, which I agreed was a good idea, although it did hurt to hear it.

She went into a little bit of info about her job and how she was worried about losing it. I listened closely and validated where possible, never offering opinions. I finally told her I had to get going, although I felt she wanted to continue talking. So overall, pretty proud of how I handled the convo. I feel as if she still really wants us to be good friends and could tell she missed talking to me, but I'm not opening that door again. I admit, I'm feeling a little down now, and it was really nice speaking to her so comfortably, but I stuck to DB principles. It's still early in my journey, and I know that anything can happen in the next few months.


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 384
D
dwh15 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 384
Having a harder time than usual this morning. I think that long phone convo with WW last night took a toll. It had been a while and I forgot about the pain which close contact with her still causes. I'm trying to snap out of it and have a couple of fun, busy days ahead so I'm sure I'll be fine. Need to make sure I maintain my distance though, and stick with texting for now. Hopefully I will reach a point where I can see her and not have it send me reeling for a couple days.


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
dwh

This stuff is hard .. very hard. But it does get better. Congrats on the job, and also on the way you handled the convo with her ... alot of good DB principles were used and that's a big step for you .. no backslides right .. chalk that up to a positive.

Get out of the house and GAL , do something out of your comfort zone .. its in those places I found the most growth. I recall going to a friends backyard party where I knew NO ONE cept her and her husband and they were busy entertaining so I bounced around and just struck up conversations with people ... realized how sheltered I allowed myself to be. By the end of the day, was not like I had 50 new friends ... but I did leave knowing I was ok, not some hermit who was going to crawl in his cave and die.

Keep your chin up ... it gets easier.

Last edited by CaliGuy; 08/27/15 02:31 PM.

M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 384
D
dwh15 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 384
Thanks Cali. I really hope it does get easier. Today has been a real setback in terms of emotion. I actually broke down and cried in the car a little while ago. This is the worst I've felt in a while and no idea why, unless it was that phone call yesterday. I've been out keeping busy but WW on my mind constantly. Guess I really need to avoid seeing her for a while. Felt I was doing fine with just texting every couple of days, and missed her, but not like this. Today, it's been a real struggle to not wanna call her and just ask what in the he11 is she thinking? So much pain, and for what? But I know it wouldn't do any good. Maybe make her feel guilty for a few minutes, but then reset any progress I may have made with her missing me over the past couple months. Right now, I really hate OM. I know he only owns half the blame for this, but I also know he is using WW as a crutch for his own emotional needs, and is going to eventually dump her when he's done. I just wish he would get it over with and give her a chance to bottom out and maybe start to heal.


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,693
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,693
Sorry your feeling down dwh15. I am in a different situation then you, but the sadness is the same. I just wanted you to know as you sit there you are not alone.

Better days are coming, I just don't know it will be in my life time.



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
Originally Posted By: dwh15
Thanks Cali. I really hope it does get easier. Today has been a real setback in terms of emotion. I actually broke down and cried in the car a little while ago. This is the worst I've felt in a while and no idea why, unless it was that phone call yesterday. I've been out keeping busy but WW on my mind constantly. Guess I really need to avoid seeing her for a while. Felt I was doing fine with just texting every couple of days, and missed her, but not like this. Today, it's been a real struggle to not wanna call her and just ask what in the he11 is she thinking? So much pain, and for what? But I know it wouldn't do any good. Maybe make her feel guilty for a few minutes, but then reset any progress I may have made with her missing me over the past couple months. Right now, I really hate OM. I know he only owns half the blame for this, but I also know he is using WW as a crutch for his own emotional needs, and is going to eventually dump her when he's done. I just wish he would get it over with and give her a chance to bottom out and maybe start to heal.


I feel for you dwh. It's so easy to fixate on OM. "If he weren't here, then I'd still be happily married!" But it isn't that simple. You know that. If it weren't him today, it would be someone else next week. I'm in the same funk today...trying not to focus on W/OM. It's hard not to. But he's the symptom....not the problem.

Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 384
D
dwh15 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 384
Thanks for the support guys. Met a new friend for dinner and couple drinks tonight, and feeling a little better now. This poor guy actually lost his own wife to suicide about 4 months ago, so he's in even worse shape than me. It helps us both to be able to talk about things. I'm really expanding my social circle and getting to the point I feel like I'm going to end up having as many or more friends as I had way back in college days, and that was a LOT. Looking back, I can see how much different I was then that what I became over the past few years, and I sort of see how my wife became disillusioned. I think I lost a lot of what initially attracted her, and not only that, but I realized that those same things made me happy too.

I don't know where it all began to change, but somewhere along the way of having kids and a full time job, we just fell into a rut. I'm trying to rediscover me, and what makes dwh happy as a person. That's going to make my kids happier, and make me a more fun and attractive person to everyone, including WW. It's still a long road ahead but I'm trying to take it one step at a time and trust those that have come before me who say it does get better.


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 384
D
dwh15 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 384
Well, just had a nasty phone convo with WW. I probably shouldn't have even answered but I did. Started off pleasant and she asked me what I was doing tonight. I mentioned I was taking her nephews out to dinner and she lost it. Wanted to know why I couldn't help her financially. Really laying on the pity party about how she had to ask OM for money just to rent bowling shoes for the kids tonight. I said "what's wrong with that. You're with him now. He should be helping you."

Then she got into how I made promises a few months ago that I would help her financially, and kept accusing me of breaking my promises. Well, that set me over the edge. And I was like serious, you're going to throw stones at me. You mean like the promises you made the day you took your wedding vows? She replied, "serious, you wanna go there?" Then it kept escalating, and I told her I didn't have to explain my financial situation to her. She said, "no, not to me". When I asked what that meant, she just repeated. Finally, I told her that I did plan on helping her with food money for kids when I had regular paychecks coming in, but that I was being nice and had no obligation to give her a dime. The last thing she said was "no, you don't have to give me a dime...yet" and hung up.

So she was obviously threatening that she plans to file. I almost called her back but then figured what's the point. There's no way to win. If I cave and give her what she wants, I'm a doormat. If I don't, then I'm a jerk. Right now, I really don't know if I even want to try anymore. She is so wrapped up in her own selfish world that I don't see her ever coming out of it. There's no consideration for me or my feelings and the damage she has done - it's all about her. So I am prepared for the coming D paperwork, and will be using my accumulated child logs to go after as much custody as I can get. It's not in the spirit of being mean, but I really don't trust my W to have the best interests of the kids at heart right now, over her own selfish concerns.

Feeling so frustrated, and really, just done with the whole situation.


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
dwh

Ok ... breathe buddy.

Look at this from above, you going out to dinner gets your WW spinning, in a jealous "Oh so he can afford to go out to dinner while I have to borrow money for HIS kids to bowl" ... understandable as the reality is really starting to conflict with the fantasy she has in her mind. The BGP are bunching up an bit and its much easier to spew at you than it is for her to smell the crock-pot-of-poo she has been slow cooking.

So you had it out, no big. You could later revisit this, validate that it must be hard to be strapped finacially .. just think about a spin where you can simply understand how she feels ... you do not have to fix it, nor should you come at it from a place of "Well you chose this path not me" .... simply allow her to know you are trying to understand how she FEELS without going in to rescue her.

She will toss that D out there because its the only thing she has left to hurt you with right? ....Fights, BD, leaving, OM, OM2 .. whats left? Next time, do not take that bait, let it float by, validate and then end the conversation and go about your day ... live and learn right?

There are stages to this .. not taking the bait will take you to a new level.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Dwh, reality is hitting WW.

Let it. Let her fund her own PA or OM to do it. Good for you.

Send a grocery basket for the kids or the card to buy food. If she can afford to go out then she can afford food. Her choice.

And no you are not a jerk, far from it. You are getting on with your life. I think WW will be in for surprises when she does plead her case, especially if you get majority custody.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard