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Originally Posted By: mutatio

You like going to soccer, go to soccer. Why are you going? For the kids? For your wife? My guess is for the kids. Don't you think the kids feel good seeing you there.


I am all for being the best father out there. Don't get me wrong. Your relationship with your children is the most important one there is. I have two young kids myself.

But, I dont feel like I need to make it a point to go out of my way to spend time with them when my wife has them. If theres something important (a teacher conference, a ballet recital, etc), Im there. But I feel like it is more important to me to let my wife live her life than to be at every single gymnastics practice. In addition, I need to have my own time to GAL - if I am spending all of the nights she has the kids being around, I will never have any time to myself to go out and meet new people and do new things. GAL with the kids is GREAT, but it CANNOT be my only method.

Thats just my opinion, not sure about the DB "rules" on it. But thats how Ive been handling things.

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I agree with you Azzork. What I was trying to say in my rant was to be there for the kids if she abandons her duties and the kids get left on the lurch.

The kids need their mother too. I might have misread the situation and thought she was inconvenienced by them.

Sorry SPD for the confusion, a double espresso can sure get the motor revving in the morning.



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Mutatio/Azzork

Thank you you both make excellent points....

I go to their daily practices because I enjoy but also because I have nothing else to do...I usually gym in the AM....and prior to separation my afternoons were spent with the kids..

I am hyper aware that W will use this to her advantage ..the trick (wrong choice of word ) for me is to not let myself get caught up in focusing on her.

This morning I started sandi2's LBH thread...man oh man...it was like Sandi2 was there recording everything W said. The problem Im having is..I dont want to get caught up in whether W is a WAW or a WW..as again it takes focus away from me and I might start trying to match my actions to a label as opposed to working on me daily..and let the future take care of itself.

Today like clockwork W texts me..are you home?
like the pavlovian lab rat i am...I almost answered then i remember shes a neighbour...if its important she'll call back..its now 8:17...and no call or text back....so i can only assume you wanted me to watch the kids at soccer so she can go run "errands".

Part of me dreads when we do speak..as the accusations will fly..."youre never there me"..."this shows me i made the right choice"...thankfully I already read the script and am better armed to handle these manipulations.

ok..time to get some homework in..


Me:43 W:38
M:10 T:11
D:10 S:8
BD: 1/1/15
Sep:4/1/15
D filed: 8/12/15
1st court date: 9/22/15
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Today I woke up energized an ready to tackle anything..I have DR and bought DB..going to really apply what I've learnt..open up my emails...and see emails from hulu netflix..etc email change from family email box to Ws email address...and storm clouds roll in...

She has been gone for almost 5 months..why do I still feel this way...she's filed..I initially said I won't sign..but after being on the boards I've seen the light .why fight only for it to be granted after time anyway?

Just cut my losses now......and be done..
This morning on Tkd's thread..Cali/dwh/Azzork discussed whether you would continue DB if there was a slim chance vs a zero chance at R...

I'll be honest..these threads and the homework has caused an introspection that I've skimmed briefly or shied away from completely in the past..
Am I that bad?..was being married to me that horibble?..is it worth it?...
She moved into her mom's basement. ..sheesh I must have been...

I came to DB late, so all the angst of living with her for 3 months prior to her leaving is over ....reading some threads I relive them...I shes the tears of commiseration as I was there...
I wanted her gone so I could move on..but that brought on a different set of angst..

This being the Internet in am loathe to put too much down..but writing stuff down helps..I found my old journals from a few years ago...I was in bad shape and I buried my feelings my wants my needs..I lost myself in order to remain with someone who ultimately was just biding her time to leave..

On sandi2's recent thread she asked why men didnt want to anger their wives..honestly i thought i loved her but it was because i was so broken i didnt where i would go when she left me..my identity was tied up in being married with kids..I wasn't me anymore..

Tbc...


Me:43 W:38
M:10 T:11
D:10 S:8
BD: 1/1/15
Sep:4/1/15
D filed: 8/12/15
1st court date: 9/22/15
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SPD

I am not fully caught up on your sitch .... however...

Quote:
I came to DB late, so all the angst of living with her for 3 months prior to her leaving is over


This .. along with some other comments from up there ^^^

My BD was SEP13, she moved out 2 months later, at the time I was more in the mind set ... go ahead, see what its like without me ... our M was not the best and I almost welcomed the break. Holidays hit ... ok that was tough, maybe I actually want my W and to be M I found myself saying. Jan14 OM was disclosed ... back to Nope, I am done .. like you 0% chance of R and I was going to just live my life.

After all that, some time, some self inspection I realized I did in fact want my M, my W and my family. I then started making some changes, during that time I found this place .. what ... 10 months or so after BD .... so no .. you did not find this place to late.

Its never to late to DB, but what you do need to do is figure out what YOU want. Thats all anyone here can really do ... does not mean you will get what YOU want, but I promise you that if you DB, GAL, detach a bit ... find yourself and do the work ... regardless if you divorce, reconcile, drop the rope ... you will be a better person, your next/new relationship (with WHO-ever that is going to be) will be a much better one for all the work you do now, all the lessons you learn.

I used to flip the middle finger when people here would say "Use this gift of time" .... I now have to 2x4 myself for that, it was truly a gift, I regret not doing more work, becoming even stronger than I am now.

Decide what you want
Set some Personal Goals
Realize somethings are out of your hands... but YOU control YOU.

Last edited by CaliGuy; 08/28/15 04:47 PM.

M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Sooooo...just got home...my weekend with my kids..normally I pick them up. W is parked in front of my condo....dressed to the nines...took me a minute...she never wears much make up..but she looked great..
Smiled said hi..you look nice...
she said thank you ..I just called and i texted you last night and this afternoon..why didnt you answer..?
Me: last night my phone was dead
Her : uh huh sure
Me: today work was a mare..
left it at that...got my kids and walked away..
So I guess there is an OM.heart sank..but didn't question or frown...smile and wave boys...smile and wave..
Ugh...why do I care?
Had weekend all planned...now in a little funk...
The logical side is saying ....see why do you care what she thinks...she's rubbing that s&*&&= in your face...


Me:43 W:38
M:10 T:11
D:10 S:8
BD: 1/1/15
Sep:4/1/15
D filed: 8/12/15
1st court date: 9/22/15
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 53
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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
SPD

I am not fully caught up on your sitch .... however...

Quote:
I came to DB late, so all the angst of living with her for 3 months prior to her leaving is over


This .. along with some other comments from up there ^^^

My BD was SEP13, she moved out 2 months later, at the time I was more in the mind set ... go ahead, see what its like without me ... our M was not the best and I almost welcomed the break. Holidays hit ... ok that was tough, maybe I actually want my W and to be M I found myself saying. Jan14 OM was disclosed ... back to Nope, I am done .. like you 0% chance of R and I was going to just live my life.

After all that, some time, some self inspection I realized I did in fact want my M, my W and my family. I then started making some changes, during that time I found this place .. what ... 10 months or so after BD .... so no .. you did not find this place to late.

Its never to late to DB, but what you do need to do is figure out what YOU want. Thats all anyone here can really do ... does not mean you will get what YOU want, but I promise you that if you DB, GAL, detach a bit ... find yourself and do the work ... regardless if you divorce, reconcile, drop the rope ... you will be a better person, your next/new relationship (with WHO-ever that is going to be) will be a much better one for all the work you do now, all the lessons you learn.

I used to flip the middle finger when people here would say "Use this gift of time" .... I now have to 2x4 myself for that, it was truly a gift, I regret not doing more work, becoming even stronger than I am now.

Decide what you want
Set some Personal Goals
Realize somethings are out of your hands... but YOU control YOU.


Cali ..thanks for reaching out...went back and stared reading your thread from the beginning...man...oh man...I need you patience wisdom and guidance....
When she left in April ..it was cordial we went places as a family ...we spoke daily...texted as if nothing had happened..to be fair I said to her you're having a rough time adjusting to being back under your mom's roof..but once your settled...you'll be as abusive to me as you were in the house..
She was meant to be in the basement which she was renovating out of pocket so it was taking time..in the interim she was sleeping in the spare room with the kids...which was her mothers bedroom (she moved out of master bedroom of her 4th or was it 5th husband...2 years in the marriage...W was getting harried to finish so mom can move back to her room)

I like an idiot took her sadness at the situation as meh..this will be over soon
May was pleasant enough argument here.and there but I was happy to go home into my own space..June we had a weekend soccer tournament and one room. .she was adamant I should stay it would be good for the kids Yada yadda..

Friday night I got there late..as we weren't really in that place I got into bed with my son...she woke up and said don't be silly..come to bed..
I'm like yes finally..but I did nothing didn't cuddle didn't approach her..just felt good to be next to her for first time in two months.

Next day I'm all chipper family guy we are at the beach...I'm the pack mule..the waiter..general dogsbody...I'm husband catering to his wife ..I say it's nice being here with you guys. .she responses well you didn't touch me last night...
Me: errr..I didn't think you would want me to considering
Bear in mind at this point we probably had sex maybe twice in the preceding 6 months..
Her: you should try tonight
Me: hubba hubba

That night..sex was attempted...pardon the graphic nature..she stops me mid stroke.
Her: I can't ..I'm sorry... I don't know if you're [censored] someone right now
Me: huh
Her: well it hasn't gone how I thought it would
Me: excuse me
Her: well I figured you would miss me and the kids so much you would be doing anything I wanted and begging me to come back..instead it seems like you are quite happy to go home alone every night and have all the free time to do as you please. .....must be nice..
Me: (angrily ) you chose to leave I begged and pleaded and you Chose to leave..you got wonky freaky advice from *(mother of one of my son's friends..who divorced her h..took him to the cleaners..and wants my w as a wingman..found texts from her egging on my wife ..how cool it would be to double date)
Her: it's your fault you gave me no choice
Me: fine whatever..
Weekend ruined ..next day barely spoke..planned to extend to monday..no dice...she storming around hotel..even other parents asking me what's wrong with her..
July...defcon 3..arguments daily..rehashing my 8yr old affair..me countering..she well I didn't cheat..
Me: I don't know if you pulled the trigger but it was set up...
Escalation escalation...
Mid july...let's move away...huh?
I can't live here anymore..
I can't do it..
Let's move away...you can live nearby
Excuse me?
Well I can't give up guarantees we will get back together..
Me: that won't work for me..
Im.not helping you move to another state to be with someone else just for you to keep status quo and then tell me I did say there no guarantees. ..
She gets pissy..
Then I made fatal mistake...
Me: this is bullsh***..when you file make sure and change your name back to your own
Her: what?..I don't have any money but when I file IM keeping the same name as my kids
Me: whatever...if you don't file I will when I have the money..
This was a Sunday afternoon
Monday morning she texts me I'm going to an attorney tonight ..week later..I was served..
I then compounded the error by refusing to sign the papers...


**Now I left out chunks..where she would claim she made a mistake..but she never said she missed ME..IT was the house..her own space etc etc
When I found this site it was really a last ditch hail mary knee her reaction
Deep in my heart I know I love my wife and kids and want nothing but to turn the clock back or a least have a do over...

Since i joined DB and started reading DR i know i messed up royally..
On a separate note i have decided to sigm the divorce and boldly move forward...
Ok that's a lot..going to enjoy my kids..
Peace


Me:43 W:38
M:10 T:11
D:10 S:8
BD: 1/1/15
Sep:4/1/15
D filed: 8/12/15
1st court date: 9/22/15
Joined: Jul 2014
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Understood.

Thing is .. the D is not the final blow, you have kids, you two will always have that bond together. You can easily DB now and who knows ... sometimes they need that D paper in hand to realize it was not just you making them miserable.

All that ^^^^ read it again to yourself ... this time take out any hint that YOU would push/want D. Maybe it does not escalate as much .. possible does not push her to file first to cast the first stone.

My advice ... read Sandis 37 and hold to them
REad Wonka's Validation Cheat sheet.
NEVER and I mean NEVER initiate an R talk

If you are going LRT you need a speed DB course and holding to those 3 things I mentioned will serve you well ... again .. remember it took you some time to get to a place in your M that is this bad .... its going to take time to dig out, especially since you are the only one with a shovel .


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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SPD, you can't put out the fire with gasoline.

Take Cali's advice.



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Cali/mutatio

Thanks for the advice...Ive printed the 37 rules so I can read daily.....need to work on my validation..or rather keep my ego and pride in check as some of the things she says are either downright manipulative or a complete revision of events...we have not truly spoken in maybe 2 months..all our interaction has been through texts...

Ive been sleeping okay for the last 6 weeks or so..last night was kind of rough..knowing shes dating..or at least seeing someone..part feels that was pretty low to "flaunt" it that way or maybe I'm reading too much into it..
It did however reinforce that I need to GAL more..and not sit around the house after work..

Kids still asleep...😲😲..my S8 having a hard time..crawled into my bed last night..I really worry about him...do my best to reassure him I'll be around..and I love him..


Me:43 W:38
M:10 T:11
D:10 S:8
BD: 1/1/15
Sep:4/1/15
D filed: 8/12/15
1st court date: 9/22/15
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