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Azzork #2602049 08/27/15 12:11 PM
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Lost, You are in a transition stage now. You were a caterpillar living life as you knew it. In this moment you are in the cocoon and experiencing a transformation. Embrace this stage, it is part of the process. With time you be a new and different you, a butterfly. You will soar where you before you could only crawl.

Please be easy on yourself, its not easy to grow wings.



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
Azzork #2602053 08/27/15 12:19 PM
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My heart goes out to you, Lost.

I'm a very old timer here and I remember in the first year since bomb drop I had wished a truck would just hit me on the way home from work at times. Just take away all the pain. And I had my first child, an infant at home. It was an awful way to think.

I know you are in the thick of it and hurting and spinning. But I want to let you know, even though you can't see it now, that no matter what happens, as long as you focus on yourself, those feelings will be a distant memory. I thought I might no make it through all of this in one piece, but I did. I am happy, my life is good, and the thought of letting my ex take that away from me when I was having those horrible thoughts make me cringe. He cannot have my life. I have my life. My daughter has my life.

Azzork is right on the money. This is temporary. You will get through this. I can just about promise you that no matter what, you will love life again and the pain will subside.

Many hugs to you.

Ginger1 #2602212 08/27/15 09:58 PM
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So many times I find myself wishing for that truck, Ginger 1. I have no plan and please be reassured I do remember my children, Azzork. TBH, though, sometimes I think their life would also be better with a different mom.

I read what you write in your messages and in Cadet's initial links and there's a logical part of my brain that understands there are stages and a process to this journey. But it's so hard to see thru the haze of this pain which constantly overrides logic. I am floating in this wreckage, barely hanging onto a piece of debris.

For some reason, today seems harder than yesterday. I don't know why. It was my first day of orientation at my new job and I could barely keep it together. There I was with new people to meet and share an experience with and I felt so alone. Yes, I smiled and made conversation and tried to make some connections. I laughed with them and pretended life was just grand. But inside, I'm just a black, empty hole. I ended up eating alone - long break for lunch, most of the others lived nearby and they all left to run errands or go home to their families. All I wanted to do was sit at the bar and drink myself into oblivion. And, while I love me some tequila, I'm a lightweight so it would have been easy. BUT I was a good girl, ordered an appetizer, drank water, sobbed in the restroom, dried my eyes and went back to work.

I know emotionally I'm in such a bad place, I'm feeling so hurt, so alone and reckless.

So many times today, especially after lunch on the water surrounded by so many couples and families, I was overcome with the desire to go out, somewhere, anywhere to meet people. No, not people. A man. With the hopes of meeting a man who would flirt with me, tell me I'm beautiful. Someone who would kiss me and I could get lost in the physical connection. So I could know what it's like to kiss another man. So I would feel wanted. So he wouldn't be the only one living a ******* fantasy. But mostly for me. To feel the passionate touch of another.

I'm crying as I write this because I know how desperate it sounds. And it disgusts me that I am the one writing this. But I come here to write to help release some of these emotions-so I can stay somewhat sane and not do anything foolish.

Please be patient with me. Somehow, deep inside, I trust you. I know what you say is true. That I will come out of this on the other end. I just need to keep hearing it over and over again right now.

And I need to go listen to very loud, heavy rock music that will drown out any noise in my head. B4 the kids get home. That I can do.

xoxo to all. You'll never know how grateful I am for this outlet.


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Lost08 #2602215 08/27/15 10:11 PM
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Wow Lost, those are some very real, raw, emotions. I can feel your pain through your writing and it's exquisite. My heart truly goes out to you for what you're going through.

It's so hard. IT IS SO (censored) HARD. We all feel it. We've all had the days when we wished something would just take us away. I've begged for someone to break into my home so they could either take me, or let me take out eight months of pain and frustration on the poor unsuspecting soul. The pain is palpable and nothing can take it away but our spouses. And they won't.

I have no advice for you. Not to breathe, not to take it one day at a time, not to make gratitude lists, or anything else other than to feel it. Let it be. It's an awful time in your life and there's nothing you can do but bare it.

You will however, come out the other side of this. And if you follow the advice of the people on this board and use the pain as a catalyst to create a version of yourself that's beyond your current level of comprehension - one day at a time - not only will you come out the other side, but you will thrive when you get there. You will thrive. I guarantee it.

My friend told me a week after BD, "You're going to be ok, you're just not going to be ok for a long time." He was right. I'm not ok yet. But I'm getting there. And so will you. You just will. You don't know how, and it seems inconceivable at this point, but you will.

Just get to the end of today in one piece, that's all you have to focus on for now.

Big hug to you,

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Lost08 #2602240 08/28/15 12:24 AM
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Originally Posted By: Lost08
So many times I find myself wishing for that truck, Ginger 1. I have no plan and please be reassured I do remember my children, Azzork. TBH, though, sometimes I think their life would also be better with a different mom.

I read what you write in your messages and in Cadet's initial links and there's a logical part of my brain that understands there are stages and a process to this journey. But it's so hard to see thru the haze of this pain which constantly overrides logic. I am floating in this wreckage, barely hanging onto a piece of debris.

Trust me, I know this. You can read my threads and see that I'm still going through all of this myself. I'm right there bobbing in the water with you. But eventually, we start putting the pieces together....you won't notice it at first, but you'll look up one day and discover you've built 1/3 of a boat! So for now, just keep floating.

Originally Posted By: Lost08
For some reason, today seems harder than yesterday. I don't know why. It was my first day of orientation at my new job and I could barely keep it together. There I was with new people to meet and share an experience with and I felt so alone. Yes, I smiled and made conversation and tried to make some connections. I laughed with them and pretended life was just grand. But inside, I'm just a black, empty hole. I ended up eating alone - long break for lunch, most of the others lived nearby and they all left to run errands or go home to their families. All I wanted to do was sit at the bar and drink myself into oblivion. And, while I love me some tequila, I'm a lightweight so it would have been easy. BUT I was a good girl, ordered an appetizer, drank water, sobbed in the restroom, dried my eyes and went back to work.

I know emotionally I'm in such a bad place, I'm feeling so hurt, so alone and reckless.

So many times today, especially after lunch on the water surrounded by so many couples and families, I was overcome with the desire to go out, somewhere, anywhere to meet people. No, not people. A man. With the hopes of meeting a man who would flirt with me, tell me I'm beautiful. Someone who would kiss me and I could get lost in the physical connection. So I could know what it's like to kiss another man. So I would feel wanted. So he wouldn't be the only one living a ******* fantasy. But mostly for me. To feel the passionate touch of another.

A week after my W and I separated, I went to see the Avengers and cried like a baby. At the [censored] AVENGERS movie. Seeing that stupid couple and their stupid house sharing stupid kisses. And here I was sitting by myself. While my W is making googly eyes at another man.

So trust me. I understand. But then I think what do I WANT? And what I want is another chance with my wife. And none of what you're describing helps me get closer to that in any way. While cliched, it's like putting a bandaid on a bullet hole. It may feel good for a few minutes or hours or days. But ultimately, I still have that stupid bullet hole. And only time is going to help with that one.

Originally Posted By: Lost08

I'm crying as I write this because I know how desperate it sounds. And it disgusts me that I am the one writing this. But I come here to write to help release some of these emotions-so I can stay somewhat sane and not do anything foolish.

Please be patient with me. Somehow, deep inside, I trust you. I know what you say is true. That I will come out of this on the other end. I just need to keep hearing it over and over again right now.

And I need to go listen to very loud, heavy rock music that will drown out any noise in my head. B4 the kids get home. That I can do.

xoxo to all. You'll never know how grateful I am for this outlet.

I'm here for you, Lost. We all are. We are all in this together.

You are good enough and you deserve to come through this smarter, tougher, stronger, and ready to move forward with your life!

Lost08 #2602265 08/28/15 01:58 AM
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Lost,

My heart goes out to you. I just want to sweep you up and hold you tight, sweetie.

We all have been where you are with some dark thoughts. I'll never forget the day Ms. Wonka moved out. It happened while I was at work (we agreed to this) and then I received a text that she was done. My work day wasn't finished and I quietly slipped out of the office to drive home as I became a bit unglued by that time. I'll never, never forget the sensation during the drive home. Literally all the scenery outside was all topsy turvy and I could barely stay straight on the highway. For a very fleeting moment, I had this very dark thought to drive on to the other side toward incoming traffic as I was experiencing the most intense pain in my entire life.
Scary moment indeed!!

Deep breaths.

I am very concerned about the lease because your H is leaving on September 20th leaving you alone with young kids to manage a house AND the apartment alone without a good support system in place. Is there any way for you to break the lease?? I feel that H pretty much railroaded you into this by playing the victim card. Another concern is the family's finances. Do you have access to all accounts? You would want to be sure that H isn't playing with funny money here. Beside this, can you guys support TWO households on his income alone? If I read you right, you are a SAHM.

Wonka #2602331 08/28/15 11:07 AM
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Hi, Wonka

Wasn't sure you'd be back. I answered your earlier post with a very lengthy, detailed description of my sitch.

I don't feel H railroaded me into the lease. Although I certainly am not seeing everything clearly at the moment.
This was something we had loosely discussed prior to his trip (and A) in order to enroll my children in a better and safer school district.

That being said, it does play to his desire for, how did he phrase it?, "A fresh start."

I am a working mom. Up until last year, I held actually held 3 different positions. Last year, I cut it down to 2. I work M-F in the school system and night shift 2-3x/month (on weekends.)

B/C I'm still stuck in such an emotional and fearful place, I see this whole scenario as a win/win for H. Here I am, working and raising the children and carrying the health insurance. So, perfect walk-away sitch. W is independent with finances, insurance, and now an apartment. Really what does H have left to tie-up? Maybe visitation with the kids? That's why part of me is screaming "Quit your job! Don't make it so easy for H to see how you don't need him and can obviously survive! Make it harder. Make H carry the health insurance and the burden of the finances and be a SAHM!"

B/C H is so often out of country, I pay the bills. Both of our paychecks are deposited into the same bank account. However, since this A, he has become very secretive. Never his style. Always had been very open about everything. Thought privacy was ridiculous. So, now that he has secrets, there is a possibility he has a bank account I don't know about. Who knows anymore?


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Lost08 #2602343 08/28/15 11:48 AM
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Trying to step back a little and figure out how to move forward. Having trouble deciphering what's working and what's not.

I haven't been saying "I love you" unless it's a generic group good-bye when the kids are there, like "Love you guys! See ya soon!"

I try to be the first one to say good-bye during telephone calls/when leaving.

I have been going out running and started biking, too. I have a little time now since school is still out.

I know I haven't done it perfectly, but, I think I have been fairly good at the whole 'friendly neighbor' approach, trying to be positive and friendly when H is around. Friendly conversation. Trying not to overdo it.

I have not mentioned the A, our M, our R, or counseling since the one MC session we had. VERY HARD.

I have been making dinners almost every night. Something I had stopped in the past year in my depressed, exhausted state.

I have been working on clearing out some of the clutter-also something I had been ignoring in the past few years.

These last 2 things are part of me trying to do a 180. Unsure about them because I get the impression H thinks I'm doing them to make things better for him? But, in reality, I do them for a variety of reasons:
1. I need to release this pent-up energy/stress. I have to keep moving.
2. It helps me face my part in this and maybe assuage a little of my guilt over not keeping up with this stuff.
3. It needs to get done anyway. No matter what.
4. I'm trying to do a 180

I'm concerned about doing too much without involving H. Last weekend, when we spent so much time together, I felt his confusion. He seemed to enjoy being together, he initiated some (albeit little) physical contact and he ended up asking for the # for the C.

But, during the week, as I have been doing my own thing, he has become distant again and pulled away last night when it seemed we might accidentally brush arms when we both reached for something at the same time.

Since I don't ask about the A, I can't put my finger on whether or not the renewed distance is due to increased interaction with OW while he's at work and free to reach out to her, or if it's b/c spending more time together was working better than me doing more on my own.

The crazy and very painful thing for me (and probably a big reason for my horrible emotional state yesterday) is that we get along! When we're together, we can talk about work, the kids, our day, hiring contractors to work on the house, etc., with what feels like such ease. We could probably go out and do something fun together and it would be a good time. Not a great time. (Let's face it. Everything also screams to me look what isn't there! - ie the little touches, kisses, etc.)

So, I vacillate between these questions--do I keep trying to do things on my own for the little time he's still here or do I find ways to be together so the actions are positive reminders of what we do have together?

When do I check back in and ask the dreaded question about whether or not he's still actively talking to OW daily? In DR, Michele writes the spouse should investigate what makes the AP so attractive? What needs does the OW fulfill? How do I figure that out if I'm not mentioning the A or OW?


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Lost08 #2602644 08/29/15 02:21 PM
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ok guys. Finally home from a very, very long night shift. Exhausted. It was hard to be around my co-workers , carry this burden and not share what's happening in my life. I thought I was managing well, though, until that is, 6am hit. One of the patients just kept asking over and over again for his wife. He missed her so much. We had to repeatedly remind him she would be back to visit early in the morning. And that, of course, started me crying. And wishing like mad I had access to this site and could reach out.

Now, I'm home and in bed for a few hours of sleep before going to an early supper with H, my kids and my fil and bil! I am praying I will handle this well and my exhaustion doesn't interfere!! PMA all the way. I love my fil so much. Can't wait to see him. Please God don't let me cry. I'm praying for strength.

If anyone can chime in with sonme advice to my last post, that would be great.

Wishing you all a really good day smile


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Lost08 #2602807 08/30/15 12:50 PM
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Been up since 4:30 this morning. Dinner with my fil and bil was so nice, I really do love being with them. But it was awkward with H afterwards. H enjoyed himself while we were out with his family, but when we had to stop by a store for my D on the way home and my S was being so whiny and annoying, I think it pissed H off. He became withdrawn and distant, so noticeable after the dinner, and ran straight to his laptop when we got home. It was a bit obvious he was communicating with OW frown

I slipped up & asked H if he was ok/or angry. Couldn't catch myself in time! He said "yeah, I'm fine. I'm not angry. Just tired." So I replied "ok," zipped my lips and off to bed I went even though I knew it was just his excuse as he looked at pics/messages from OW. Certainly didn't handle that the way I intended and not with as much PMA as I was trying for - I think it probably looked like I was trying too hard.

BUT I'm really proud of myself in this moment, for this second or minute or whatever! I had left the house with the intention of going to 8 am mass alone - had to come back inside & into the bedroom. H hadn't expected that. He was in the kitchen with my D and had left his phone on the bed!!!! There it was, calling out to me - PICK ME UP! LOOK AT ALL HIS MESSAGES!!!! H couldn't leave what he was doing right then. And I know this is really small in the scheme of what everyone else is going thru, but it feels big right now. I sat there on the bed, got out my own device & completely ignored his phone. I didn't pick it up. I didn't turn it over. I didn't touch it at all.

I will admit, thoughts of OW, what they could be sending to each other and the intimacy H has with her still plague me. My imagination is ridiculous!! BUT I avoided a fantastic snooping opportunity and I am trying to practice thought stopping. Here's hoping for a day of PMA and maybe a little GAL.


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
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