hold on!! - 12

[u-turn]

Thank you everyone! I will respond to each of you separately, but wanted to update first.

Conversations with WW need to happen immediately I guess. She is now receiving mail from soliciting lawyers about our case. I completely forgot about this - she received these when her DUI case was filed too. I don't want her to find out this way.

I intercepted the first one, but need to get this announcement done now (I can't just intercept all of her mail).

I did want to see if I could wait until after her Friday night lie happens - and after my parents anniversary lunch on Sunday - but again, what's the difference now.

Now I am feeling pushed (though it is my fault). Stress level at a new high.

Thanks for the support

[PeterV2]

I would tell the kids first that you will be telling W. Then immediate go tell W. But that's just me. I wouldn't want to tell W and then have her storm into the kids room freaking out that daddy is leaving.

As for telling W you could say she may be getting solicitation mail from various lawyers in the next little while and this is why...

FWIW.

Breathe. Take some time out for yourself and chill. Read some Tao Te Ching.

[CaliGuy]

Hang in there U .... I do like Peter's spin on it .. would be the way I would go with breaking the news, have that spew jacket ready and I am guessing after it sinks in .. truly and really sinks in she is going to be spinning all over the place... mad one day .. nicey nice the next.

Thoughts going out to you and yours.

[JellyB]

Kia kaha U!

[Vanilla]

U

Any help that I can offer you then I am more than comfortable.

If its outside of my experience then I will tell you.

Personally I feel that you would be best telling the kids without WW. And saving a joint convo for a later time. I don't think ideal will happen and it's better that this is done well rather than jointly.

So lets discuss your options:

A simple statement with a time frame. Validation and just facts. Statement of willingness to co parent etc.

Something more elaborate.

At home or at a neutral location? personally I think the latter but no alcohol in sight. I like your idea of getting the kids out of the house if you meet WW there. I also like your idea of after the Friday lie. It cuts her off from me and you against the world babe support.

Sounds like you have a way of moving forward.

V

[u-turn]

I'm working backwards through these posts (and I do appreciate all of them) thank you.
Vanilla,
I feel like I need to tell WW tomorrow morning. The way things are going, she will find out from the mail tomorrow anyway.

I don't think that I can get to the kids before that as they will be scattering and doing fun saturday things with their friends (I am so glad they have good friends).

So Friday's lie didn't happen, she came home, didn't go to the concert that she bought tickets to many months ago. This could mean many things (on outs with OM, OM couldn't go, or anything else). But I guess it doesn't matter too much either way (I thought of the you and me against the world aspect of the announcement and was why I didn't want to tell her before tonight).

So I have these things that are steering me. Saturday's mail and sunday's big family lunch with my parents.

I would have liked to have told her on Monday after all of this. But I think I have to beat Saturday's mail.

I don't think I want to say a lot to her but maybe:

e-mail or text her that I would like to talk to her Saturday morning and it is pretty important.

then for the conv.

W-Though this is very painful for me, I have decided to move this forward and have filed for divorce. You will be served sometime within the next week or so. I hope we can work together to tell the kids and I know we can work together to co-parent them too.

---

That's it - I don't know if anything else needs to be said at this time. I could go on and on about my feelings or what I wanted before I decided this, but it has fallen on deaf ears before and I don't want her to ask me to reconsider (if she were to want that).

[u-turn]

Hi Peter, thank you

It is so hard to foresee how she is going to act, how she will spin it, or if she will just play victim - I won't know until I see it I guess.

I have read that it may be best to tell them together with WW, and at one time I agreed with this, but I would like to be sure what she is going to say to them - and if I don't agree with what she wants to tell them, I don't want to sit and make them think that I agree. Though I can correct it later with them too.

I would like to tell the boys about this (I think I will tell them each separately) - I think the boys will take it well.

When I/we tell D15, this will be the hardest. I am not sure how she will react or what she will think - I guess that is to be seen too.

Thanks for the reminder about Tao Te Ching (I'm on it - it relaxes me).

[u-turn]

I want to stress V's advice on working through how to tell the kids with the IC. This is really, really good advice. The IC can not only work on how to approach the topic and what to say, but also prepare you for the likely reactions and tips for handling them.

It would be ideal if you can both tell them, and maybe the IC can figure out a way that this could be approached w/ your W from having heard you out longer. But, I doubt this is likely. She can help you both talk w/ your W when you drop your bomb to minimize W's reaction cause undue stress to the kids, and also what you might do w/ kids if that doesn't work.

A very stressful time, indeed. For everyone in your family. Just remember, you are doing your best. That is all you can do in a very bad situation. You'll do even better if you allow yourself to just do your best rather than worrying that you should be able to do better and what the consequences of not doing that are. You'll deal with that as it comes up.

Just like the R w/ your W isn't over, the R with your kids will have plenty of time and opportunity to help them heal and be happy.

Good luck! We're here for you.

Thank you Asitis - you offer great advice.
All I think I can do is take these things as they come (like you said). My IC is out of town for a couple weeks, I am on my own here (with exception of this amazing group of people - I am so grateful).

We will get through this - thank you

[u-turn]

Hi Jelly,
Thank you so much for having my back - I knew you would still be here with me. 8^)

Though I am overwhelmed, I have little choice but to plow forward. I believe, somehow, once I tell WW and kids, a heavy weight will be lifted, so I need to get this done.

Sleep has been pretty bad lately, dreams are pretty intense. I actually came home today after school and dozed off for 5 minutes but woke up and realized that this will not due. Dinner, dog walk, business work, kid time - I can do it all and still feel like I'm trying to prove it.

I'm not sure there is much time at this point to work up a great thoughtful speech about why, I do not trust her with my feelings and inner thoughts anyway. For a time after BD, I allowed her into my head, didn't stop her from looking through my phone (where I kept a journal). I knew she was reading this and thought it meant that she cared. Maybe it was true, but she just used it all against me, to stay a step ahead of me - I am embarrassed to admit this, and am angry that she used this against me (that was all quite a while ago - but you do remind me that I don't want to share to much of me with her and feel used again).

I feel really good about my boys - we will be fine - very concerned about D15 and how she will handle this. I think she will feel like she has to be cut in half.

Thanks for the Maori wish - I love that!!

Peace and love
U

[Vanilla]

Don't prejudge how D will react.

Think in your heart for the very best for all and move forward with love in your heart for you and your children.

It will be ok.

Simplicity and factual is best today, no R talk.

Sending you all the strength I have.

With great peace and rest for you

V