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Hi Wonka and Cali
I've read a lot of the posts you both did and saw what both of you went through.

Unbelievable stories

Did either of you experience a similar incedent with your spouses.

10 years ago same issue came up, same talk etc
MIL supported her leaving.
W had OM but it crashed a month after and she came back to normal.
She was remorseful about what she did and how she neglected the D's back then.

Was I quarter life crisis I guess. Never consulted at that time. I guess she should have.

Now it's happening again but on a bigger and more distructive scale.

Since the quarter life lasted a month or so... Does that show how long this one will last. Also people are telling me she is extreme manic.. Brain can only take so much. Crash will be major. She seems going through this strong, does that mean she is going through the tunnel too fast? I read other posts and where I am after 2 months other stories have their spouses at the same spot after a year or so


..


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Putting a timeline on it is really wasted energy. She may not ever come out of the tunnel ... some don't. That being said .... if a year ago there was some MLC Oracle and she told me "Cali .. your W will be out of the tunnel in 13 months" I would not have done all the work on me that I needed to , nor would I have been a stronger person and able to do what I have done to this point.

Irish .. the fact your W went into MLC is one thing, but its not the complete reason for the failure in your M, things you contributed to, things you can work on. To sit back and point at the W and just shrug your shoulders and say "Oh, she is in MLC that's why we split" is the easy way out and its really not going to help you grow as a person, and I would suspect had I not done the work I would never have been able to have a shot at saving my M. Thats my honest truth


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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I hear you Cali
At this stage I have hope , it's fading though


I'm sure with the NC I am doing it will get better.

It's only been 2 months since BD.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Joined: Aug 2015
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tough morning today.
woke up and rolled over to put my arm around my W and she was not there. OUch.. wanted to text her.. but i know that is a No - No

came here on DB to read some stories and it helped me overcome the urge.

one day at a time.

W has yet to reach out to the D's. still boggles the mind how she can do this to them as well. Her life must really be good.

Are there any books out there that give detail on what they are thinking, during and after the crisis.

I know they are in a cloud and the front of the brain that controls empathy, reason and understanding is shut off. The back of the brain is in hyper drive giving them the feeling that we owe everything to them. they are invisible and its everyone that was close to them fault of why they were sad in the first place.

still very difficult to grasp the complete change in one person.

Estrogen levels in my W must be way up there. This can only last so long since the brain needs to rest. The hyper mania comes to and end or slows down. Hopefully the front of the brain wakes up and she gets help.

Are there any cases that the MLC person gets help, therapy and medication and it clears the fog so she can work on the real issues.

This will make it a transition and not a crisis. Healthier for everyone involved.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Here's the link to the reading material that many of us have read and recommend to others. I would suggest start with Jim and Sally Conway's book w/respect to a wife's mlc.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483893#Post2483893

BTW, once the crisis begins, it stays a crisis until they come out the other side. Even w/therapy and medication, they will still continue to follow the path. With medication and therapy, the antics will settle down just a bit, but it's still a crisis.

A transition is one that we all go through at stages of our lives. For example, going from a child to a teenager, teenager to adult (20-21), another one at 30 and so forth. A stage becomes a crisis when a person can't cope w/the things that are going on his/her life, and of course, those things that have been buried deep within since childhood come out to play and need to be recognized and dealt with.

Many crisis people will not seek professional help until they are very ill or they hit bottom and have lost everything. They'll may go to therapy one or two times and not return. Medication? Well, many of them don't think that there is anything physically wrong w/them until they have major health issues. Whatever you do, do not tell her she's got issue with her health or mental health...they don't like for us to diagnose or suggest that they have problems. In other words, they have to work through this on their own, in their own time.

I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this. It's the trip from h@ll, but you've got to stay detached and keep the focus on you and your family.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Irish

Its pretty tough .. hang in there.

Quote:
Are there any books out there that give detail on what they are thinking, during and after the crisis.


As far as Books, no I have not seen a 'book' on MLC, atleast not what I now consider MLC to be .. before I used to think it was a guy who bought a shiny red sporstscar and got nekkid with 20-somethings ... turns out that just what we see on the surface.

That said ... 2 threads you should read, they helped me start to get a grasp of things .. Wonka .. she is an invaluable source of knowledge for us here, espcially with MLC because she went through it. She has a couple threads on this .. give them a read if you haven't already

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...696#Post2420696

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...552#Post2429552

Quote:
Are there any cases that the MLC person gets help, therapy and medication and it clears the fog so she can work on the real issues.


None I have seen, for my W her IC basically told her she should do what makes her happy ... she was not pro-marriage and basically gave W the green light to have her A. Wonka might be able to shed better light, but for my W, she was not the problem, it was all Cali (She projected all that on me as its the only logical thing she could figure out in her head at the time)... so IC was really useless until they hit rock bottom and start looking inward.
My W went through what 4 ICs but honestly none of them would have been able to help her, MLC is not something that is recognized in the field, my MIL and SIL were both diagnosed Bi-Polar and appear to still be stuck ... I question if its not actually MLC to be honest.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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How is the homework going so far?

Wonka asked me to post more here,
however it is all contained in the homework
that I already gave.
There is a welcome post for MLC
that is also in the thread that has the
Newcomers Resources.

You should be able to find it easily.


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Hi Irish

I believe my W is in MLC and she also had a minor one when she was 30 (we weren't together then). Trust me, do not try and get them to see anybody, go to counselling, involve family members etc. as you will just prolong the process.

MLC is a broad label, and it might just be a label. I'm 22 weeks in, see the odd glimpse of old W, and then it's snatched away again in an instant.

I think the principles of DB apply just as well in this situation. The fact they are willing to give everything up shows just how hurt/struggling to cope.

This is gonna be a long haul and be prepared to be ultra patient, even in the face of extreme provocation.


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Thanks guys,
Much needed info

I am doing my homework.

I definitely won't tell her she needs help. I did a lot of reading today.

Job,thanks for the insight on Transitions and crisis

My D's haven't brought up W at all today.

This weekend I'm taking them to a friends cottage .
Before school starts , will do us all some good.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 726
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Forgot to ask

Narcissistic behaviour

She never had this at all.., now it's like its her religion

I've read that this is underlying issue that was there all along and the MLC brings it out in a major way

Usually stays with the MLC'r after they have exited the tunnel and cleared the fog

Has any of your spouses come out and still show signs or narcissistic behaviour


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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