Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

So I bought the ebook for no more mr nice guy. Read it. Thanks Starsky309 for the recommendation. Pretty eye opening. I was totally codependent. I would not classify myself as being completely that way in my core, but I definitely didn't put myself first in anything. I had weakness.

My STBX has borderline personality disorder and a big helping of Narcissism. I never had a partner who was capable of loving me. She broke me down and abused me. I tried to model what kindness and love looked like, but her behavior pushed me away. Locked me down. It was ridiculous to put up with it all those years. I realized this morning that the affair has been going on for a while. She has been scheming, ling and manipulating me.

I was clinging to the delusional belief, buried in my mind since I was a kid, that you didn't give up on marriage. But really, I think it was the desire for that to not be my story. I didn't want to believe that life could turn out this way. There is so much momentum in it that you believe the lie. You fight your intuition. You fight the truth, and in doing so you believe more and more lies.

For the first time since I met her, I don't care what she thinks or does. I care about my kids. I'm not saying this with malice, but detachment.

I have been a fool. But for the first time in years, this morning I can actually imagine happiness. I realized that life can be beautiful, and that I don't have to feel like I did. That its ok to think of myself. To do what I want without judgement. That I can find someone else. Someone who I can run the race with. A partner. Someone I can give my love to, who will cherish me and my heart. Someone that I can laugh with. I have a long road ahead to get well, to give up on these stupid behaviors. This thing in me that has thought that if I was selfless, I would have a happy life. But that's impossible.

I am still in a holding pattern about my next step, but in my heart I've decided to file for divorce. This is not a relationship worth saving. I don't like her anymore, and I'm only 36 years old. I still can find happiness. Even alone, it's better.

I am still contemplating all the options regarding exposing the affair. I am going to ask my IC, and find what my legal rights are and whether this could impact anything. If it gets twisted around on me, then it would damage me and my children.

Thanks everyone for reading and being here for me through this. I have dug into a lot of posts by you all that are on other people's threads and I have to say that you guys are some wise and stand-up dudes. You really helped me. Thank you so much.

[mutatio]

How are you Solo? Has the nice guy book's message helped in you day?

[Solo15]

Thanks for reaching out mutatio. It's been a really hard few days. The realization of my STBX's mental problems has me really worried about my next step. I'm getting a lawyer tonight to help me protect my kids. I went up to the house yesterday while she was away and got my things. That was incredibly hard. I raised all three of my kids there. I loved my little family. My STBX is happily running off to pursue a life of debauchery while I pay for it all, and she insanely thinks that I shouldn't feel upset for what she did. Amazing.

I've got to look out for my kids. I have a hard battle ahead. It's so strange to see all these radical changes in her personality. I do not love her anymore. She has wounded me and my kids far too much. Heartsick, but the anger is flowing now, and it's making me able to see clearly and take careful action.

I know that what I do in the next few weeks will impact the rest of my life, so I have to think with my head and not my heart. I have to a cold calculating terminator to protect my little ones and secure a future for them that is safe.

[Vanilla]

Solo,

I have been keeping up with your thread and you have had some great advice. Cadet and Sandi are all posters with enormous experience and that is some very heavy duty posting. HP has also shared part of his journey. Azz is also wise and supportive.

I would caution you to be careful of self diagnosing and labelling your WW with a clinical diagnosis like BPD or NPD. They are serious psychological disorders and need a clinical diagnosis. In essence these disorders don't just arise they have always been there, they aren't radical changes, it might just be her mask has slipped or your sunglasses are removed, but it may not help you to label unless WW has met a clinician.

The NMMNG seems to have opened your eyes to some of the things in your Sitch. I love that book, it applies to us gals too.......

I also suggest codependent no more, although I personally found that I related to codependency for dummies better. I am a practical lass.

it might be more realistic to consider if your WW was being emotionally abusive and taking you through cycles, rather than labelling her with a disorder. If this is the case then shouldn't you be considering moving back in rather than moving out? A 180 is to stand up for Solo and his kids. Your kids will need you more than ever. WW seems to want all of your resources as if they were hers, they are not. Time to look after Solo. If you are going to move to D then you will need to drink STFU smoothies every day. The abusive spouse requires slightly modified techniques the grey stone technique will be important to you. I have a version of it called breeze block which builds a protection as well as being dull.

I was an abused W and eventually walked, my story is one of being a dishrag to become a stronger person. I have learned much from my journey, it sounds very strange but this has been a great gift, an enormous journey to self. There is much to heal for you Solo, and you will also need silence, love and peace. You will want the very best for your children and that path is one of steadfastness and detachment.

Becoming a cold calculating terminator isn't the answer, and I think will be inauthentic to you, the best thing you can do is to love, yes, that's counter intuitive, I know this, but it is that which you do. Coming from a place of love which includes yourself, your children and of course WW means finding the best solution with an open mind. You will need clear vision in the days ahead, not clouded by anger and coldness. This means walking your path with pride, detachment and strength.

I noticed Joe had posted on your thread, you could do well to read his threads, Joe grew enormously and worked hard on himself, he is a man only a fool would leave. His advice is gold for you. You may also want to review Schermans posts although I haven't seen him around for a while, his WW was diagnosed borderline ( if my recollection is correct). Cadet also has experience of these disorders, I don't, my experience is abuse of all kinds.

Dashing to D may not be the ideal answer, and I understand your reason. WW will sense the change in you because it is a big change. I agree that you consult a good L to get advice, one you can work with. Keep your cards very close to your chest, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

If as it seems WW is in an abuser then you may be codependent so your own emotions may get in the way. If so be very open about this here on the board. You will get a great deal of support.

Zelda and I put together an abuse thread and I include the thread which is a starter for you, to evaluate if this seems familiar.

the abuse thread

I will check in again, feel free to visit my thread

I am projecting strength to you

V

[Solo15]

Thanks Vanilla. Your words came to me right after I had a 3 hour long talk with my W.

It was really painful, but we worked through some really old wounds and I was able to seek forgiveness. She was really kind, and exposed how much she loved me and could not live without our friendship. It was genuine, and we were able to communicate about stuff and find some healing. It hurts so much to know it's over, that she can never feel that for me again. It's tough knowing how much you hurt someone you loved so much.

I don't really know how to move forward. She wants to continue our friendship, but I'm in love with her. Seeing and talking to her is just pain. But I guess I'll find a way through it.

I hear you about the 180, and I'm giving it some thought. Survival mode right now.

[Solo15]

This whole process is just so incredible. As I move through it, I am finding so much truth. I took the day off of work and am just really grinding on everything. It's all sort of making sense to me in a really healthy way.

I have had some profound realizations. Especially based on my conversation with my W yesterday.

So truth is what's on the table today.

Our minds are wired to prevent damage. To prevent suffering. If we imagine that our intuition is a signal, like a sine wave, it is generally resting flat, it's close to the truth. When our emotions affect it, our minds defenses respond in one of two ways.

First, there is denial. Denial(a lie) demotes the truth. It creates a dip in the wave. It prevents us from having to experience the pain of the truth.

Second, there is amplification. A heightening of the truth that takes it to it's worst possible outcome(a lie).

So I'm realizing that if I monitor this sine wave for changes up or down, I can pull it back to the middle.

The truth is that I was in denial of my problems in my M because of the great fear of loss. That denial prevented me from action.

Upon learning of the PA, I went to amplification. It caused me to act. If I had followed that course, I could have destroyed my life. Vanilla was right in that that's not the man that I am.

So now that I had the courage to confront my W who was reaching out to me, and allowed myself to learn the truth, it has settled everything down to the middle again.

There is healing in this. I feel like for the first time, I am moving in truth. Acceptance of the situation, good and bad. My denial of my W's feelings, and my amplification of her actions caused me to create a situation where I was in the right, she in the wrong, and that enabled me to cope.

But coping and healing are different things. To truely heal, I have to accept that the reality lies somewhere in the middle. It has revealed to me why I am so utterly affected by it all. I was codependent. I have always needed to be in a relationship. That need was not wholly for the healthy components that one brings, but that I had a huge need that had to be filled. A desire to be validated.

Because the passion was so strong for that, I would provoke a reaction to get her to give me that passionate response. This was manipulative, not in a premeditated way, but coming from an unhealthy place.

So now, coming full circle with DB, I'm finally actually working on me. I now am able to let go, not be too hard on myself, embrace reality for what it is, and move forward through it knowing that the pain cannot be avoided, and that anything I do to stop it only breeds lies, and in those lies we fall into darkness and out of the light.

The real truth is that I love my W. I always have. Love has many parts, and in my desire to selfishly hold on to the romantic part, I downplayed her pain, took on too much responsibility for our problems, and stopped loving her unconditionally. So now I have to die to my romance so that I can live in truth and stay connected to this woman I have loved from childhood. And that is what I expect of the truth. It's not total darkness away from her, nor passionate reconciliation, but something in the middle, painful, but centered and real.

It's personal revelation, so it won't make a ton of sense, but maybe there is something in there that strikes a cord. Bless you all for reading, that was a huge post.

[mutatio]

It was a HUGE post. I am so happy to read you words. Keep moving forward, who knows, it isn't over till its over and your not dead yet. HUGE Solo, HUGE

[Vanilla]

Solo

It is worth exploring where this fear of loss comes from. Currently you are open to great personal change, and this comes quickly and is very healing. Change piles upon change when we are ready, we can see this clearly and so it is for you. So let's look a little deeper.

A few questions as always you can say I don't want to answer V, it's ok.

If you explore this limitation, where does this fear of abandonment come from?

Is it physical, as in your body or mental?

How old is it?

Is this blocking you from knowing you?

Have you reviewed this with an IC?

V

[sandi2]

Hi Solo, I have just seen your post over on my thread. Somehow, I missed it, but I will try to catch up on your thread as soon as I can. I mainly wanted you to know I wasn't ignoring you.

[Solo15]

mutatio
Thanks for keeping up with me. It's been the hardest 2 weeks of my life, but it is such a help to have someone cheering me on.

Vanilla
My fear of loss is only that I have become codependent with this woman. The scared and hurt little girl that's down in there is something I have been caring for and protecting for 25 years. In some ways, my STBX is almost like my child. You see, she was the victim of sexual abuse by another little girl at the age of 5. Her mother actually caught them in the act, then proceeded to publicly shame them in front of their entire church. Since that time, she struggled with suicide, rebellion, drugs, self-inflicted wounding, you name it. It is in that space that I met her, and immediately became the stable, loving friend that helped her through everything. I married her, not because I was in love with her, but because I wanted to help and protect her. This created an enormous bond for me. She still sleeps with a teddy bear. Her outside has become hard, but way down that little girl comes back out and shows her wounds. Please don't leave me. Please protect me. Because she was unable to love or give back to me in my kindness, there was no relationship in the normal sense. So after all those years of abuse and emptiness, I would lash out, trying to provoke the love that I needed. It's messed up, but that's the truth. Even now, after the betrayal, the agony she has inflicted on me, when she calls me, when she is afraid, it triggers this deep response in me that begins that codependency, that enabling behavior. That's why I have to cut contact as much as possible.

sandi2
Bless you for taking the time to reach out to me. I am so desperate for some understanding and I want to thank you for being there for a total stranger who's going through the worst time of his life.