Wife says "NO" and acting like I have no rights

[Cadet]

I am finding it hard to get my confidence and self esteem up, thinking damn my wife didn't want me or care for me enough to stay and fight for this relationship and that she thinks there is someone better out there for her.
So much that she turned our young kids lives upside down.

If I can get that so called Mojo back that women like and are attracted to I would feel better about myself and life would be better.
I had so much confidence and self esteem and now nothing.

Stop basing what YOU do on your wife.

Would you be thinking the same way if she had cancer or a brain disease and was acting this way?

What makes you think this is the same person that you married?
That she is not possessed by an alien being?

Stop giving her so much power over YOU.

[Strongr]

Cadet I've have realized she is not the same person and it's an ugly version, a really ugly person she has become.

I have to figure out how to not give her some much power over me.

These simple task that I need to do like go dark or at least dim due to kids is hard...REAL hard.

I am doing my best but honestly sometimes I can't help but be sucked into the hurt and sorrow I have have within.

I have to be strong willed and minded!

[Strongr]

Here we go again!!!

My Wife and I just started sharing the kids for weekends.

...NOW she wants to sign up my Son to play. That would mean practice and games 1 1/2 hours away on the weekend.

***
Selfishly, I am not for it because my time with the boys at my home will be down to nothing. The kids will have games on Saturday day or night. They will want to get something to eat as a team. I can't say no to my Son for that. By that time and we drive to my house, it will be around 9/10pm.

We sleep wake up and then have absolutely not time to chill and catch up watch games or anything since we have to eat and then drive back to drop them off.

I AM SO PISSED, BUT Confused too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[asitis]

This is one of the reasons that kids do better when parents live closer to each other. The kids will increasingly want to live their lives and be with their friends. Having to go away from that is tough. It is tough as a parent to deal with, but something you will have to learn how to deal with as a co-parent.

Remember that making it about your wants to have time with them will likely provoke a hostile S to push harder. Make it about what is good for the kids, and ask her how she thinks we can make this work for them by structuring this to their best interest within the reality of a joint custody situation.

If she thinks that joint custody is not good for them, tell her this isn't supported by the evidence based on your reading. I'll be glad to post the only good study of joint versus single custody w/ visitation if she doubts you.

[Strongr]

Asitis, Thank You. Can you help me create/word this to her?

I am really pissed and see both sides but damn...why now?

I don't want to talk to her...I will have to text. I feel so ahhhhg!

[asitis]

NO. Do not respond in this mood. Really. It won't help. Get yourself under control and don't hit her with this while you are both in a power struggle.

Here is a link to the study

Now breathe deeply. This is a piece of the puzzle in a very long process. Hitting her w/ facts isn't going to change the dynamic.

Focus on presenting this as not about either of your wants or needs or rights. This is about what is best for the kids and how you can work together with respect to achieve that. This is why you present the challenge this poses to the kids and ask her, given the concern, what is best. Turn it from a power struggle to what 'we' can do to take care of the kids as co-parents.

It may not work at first. You may have a while of sowing seeds. Patience is the virtue of any R, even if it is tense co-parenting.

[Strongr]

Ok, I won't reach out to her.

How will I present to her?

She is already asking why I am opposed?

[asitis]

Again. You need to show her you have considered her suggestion. You need to focus on what is best for the kids, and not about what you want or what she wants. See how that is different. "I have some concerns that the arrangements' impacts on the kids. blah, blah, blah [insert your concerns]. I know we both want what is best for the kids. What do you think would be best?" Let her have her say. Then tell her you'll "think about what she suggested." Go away and do that. Then get back to her to show that you have thought about what she said, and if you have a concern raise it. Lather, rinse, repeat. It is about listening to each other and putting it in terms of what is best, showing that you respect the other's opinion and are giving it your serious consideration. And then do it. These can't be just words. You have to seriously consider what she says, then reply, ask her opinion, seriously consider what she says, and keep doing this.

[Strongr]

Good morning.

Last Night I was thinking to myself trying to figure out what they hell I did to get myself here and to put my family in this really bad place.

I started to think about what I have been doing and what I have been trying to change to make this right for me again and not thinking about my wife and why she is doing what she is doing.

Although I was and am a pretty darn Awesome Dad, I wasn't the best husband I could have been while we were together. I failed to be...miserably, but honestly I do love my wife with all my heart.

My actions didn't back up my words which are worthless to my wife now. I hurt her and don't know if I can ever gain back her trust and love. I really was wrong and hurtful.

I have been working at implementing Divorce Busting and have made absolutely no progress with my wife that I can see. I am doing DB with the best of intentions and yet again I am failing miserably at following the steps laid out by my DB Counseling, in the DB Remedy Book, and in addition to the best advice a man can get from a wonderful group of people who are themselves going through trouble times and have broken hearts and are very much hurting too.

I have been reading way into wife's text's to me analyzing her words looking for hope. I was trying to get into her head saying being a family is best for the boys no matter what. I was telling how I couldn't stand the fact that my boys would be living in a house with another man raising them if she got together with someone else since my boys are young. All of this and many more BS I did or brought up just made her furious and stronger in her mission to be apart.

I say to myself she must be human and be feeling something and how can she just throw away 10 years and our family away? Well, I personally can't, but apparently she can.

Well, I can go on forever, but from this day forward I am vowing to release my intentions of trying to win, for a lack of a better word, her back.

I am promising that I am, to the best of my ability, to lovingly detach and respect her wishes that we are no longer together. As hard as it is and difficult to accept this is what I must do.

I love my wife and kids so much. I wish I could make us a family again and maybe if it our God's will then it shall be.

So until then, I will continue to love and be there for my boys and be an involved and Awesome Daddy!

I will be a thoughtful supportive Co-Parent with my wife while we are apart and also be Happy, cheerful, and respectful when around her.

In Jesus' name may the best outcome for the boys and us become reality and may Peace rain upon all of us as God's will.

FDU 2.0

[asitis]

Sounds like you are struggling, but making good use of that struggle.

I'd say that progress is often measured by what is not continuing to happen. Things aren't getting worse. She is not escalating. You are not reacting.

I agree that it is best if you refocus your efforts away from trying to win her back. Even unintentionally, you are probably signalling pressure and pursuit to her, which is undermining that project. Of course you need to look at and work on the problematic behaviors, but you've been here long enough to learn that that isn't going to do it. It is changing the dance by taking the focus off her & the M, and putting it on you and your life. It both gives the M (or just the R if the M can't be repaired) the best chance and builds an interesting, resilient, happy FDU that likes himself and others what to be around.

Anyway, that M can't be saved. Your W doesn't want to save it. Let it die by focusing on yourself, then maybe she can start considering a new M with you. That will not happen soon. It may not happen at all.

So, look at the signs of progress both by what happens, but also what is not happening. But see them just as signs that things may be slowly moving to the next stage, and that stage is just one of several that will have to play out before you can even approach the question of having a close, loving, intimate R between these two people who are both discovering & remaking themselves.

I know it was hard for me to wrap my brain around the seeming contradictory message of it is best to give up hope, but don't give up hope. I could sort of see it intellectually, but it wasn't something I really got or was able to accept for a long time.

Hang in there and I hope the blues pass soon.