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#2602063 08/27/15 12:43 PM
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It was suggested I post this in the Newcomers section:

Hi all, first time poster. Long story short, my W gave me the ILYBINILWY about 2 weeks ago (it was actually "... but I'm not sure if I'm in love...") and I've started doing a 180 as of about a week ago. It's sad to say that I do see it working somewhat, but there's a few things I'm struggling with. I've always been a devoted H that would pretty much doing anything my W asked for. Recently, she called me up and asked if I could check the car for a missing item, just to see if it was there.

Normally, I'd be like "sure" and run out and check it. Instead, I replied "Do you need it right now? Don't you have to come home anyway?" implying that she can check herself. How do I deal with her when comes home all angry that I wouldn't do a simple task for her, without coming off like a jerk?

Since she'll probably come home before I get a reply, I intend to reply with something like "I didn't feel like it" or "I'm busy working" (I work from home) but some advice what to do in future scenarios would be useful.

Other than that, thank you all for the great advice on here. Doing a 180 is really improving my mood a lot. If things don't work out with my wife I feel like I'll be in a much better place regardless.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Originally Posted By: dnc1234

Normally, I'd be like "sure" and run out and check it. Instead, I replied "Do you need it right now? Don't you have to come home anyway?" implying that she can check herself. How do I deal with her when comes home all angry that I wouldn't do a simple task for her, without coming off like a jerk?

Since she'll probably come home before I get a reply, I intend to reply with something like "I didn't feel like it" or "I'm busy working" (I work from home) but some advice what to do in future scenarios would be useful.


I agree that 180s are important. I agree that we need to let our spouses understand that we arent there to hold them up any more.

But this seems petty. The general advice around here is to treat your spouse like a friendly neighbor. If mine called me up and asked me to check something quick, Im sure I would do it. So this feels like taking a stand just to take a stand.

Now, if she had asked you to bring said item to her work, I wouldnt do THAT. But to reply to the message and go out of your way to be UNhelpful seems like a jerk move to me.

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Dnc, what is your w telling you is the problem? What has she complained about in the past? If you figure out what about you is contributing to her unhappiness, that is where you should do the 180. Is she saying you are too helpful? My guess is not.



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Originally Posted By: photoka
Dnc, what is your w telling you is the problem? What has she complained about in the past? If you figure out what about you is contributing to her unhappiness, that is where you should do the 180. Is she saying you are too helpful? My guess is not.


See, she hasn't really said what's causing her unhappiness. The most I got out of it was that the initial "spark" of our relationship is gone. It is. Mainly because I'm spending all of my time cleaning the house, buying groceries, taking care of our son, etc... while she does little to none of that. It kind of blindsided me, because if anyone should be in that state of mind, it should be me not her.

Unfortunately, there's many factors at play here. Our entire relationship she's been kind of lazy and I've enabled it. Over time, she's just gotten worse and worse because of it. All she wants to do is sleep when she's home, or go out at night with friends doing god knows what.

I don't pressure her with details, don't insist she stay home or get jealous about it, and I don't yell. I'm not quick to anger at all. However, there have been a few times in the past couple of months where I've had a serious talk with her about how she's not helping around the house, and more importantly, she's not giving our son the time and attention he needs. I think those talks are really what put her in this mode.

The past 2 weeks she's almost been acting like I'm her maid. It seems she's completely content with me taking care of her, but not being my wife. I'm trying to regain the respect for myself that I've lost. That's my main goal right now, me. Well, after my son, of course.

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Originally Posted By: dnc1234

See, she hasn't really said what's causing her unhappiness. The most I got out of it was that the initial "spark" of our relationship is gone. It is. Mainly because I'm spending all of my time cleaning the house, buying groceries, taking care of our son, etc... while she does little to none of that. It kind of blindsided me, because if anyone should be in that state of mind, it should be me not her.

Look, the "spark" of a new relationship always wears off after a few months. Are you sure she isnt experiencing that with someone else...?

Originally Posted By: dnc1234

The past 2 weeks she's almost been acting like I'm her maid. It seems she's completely content with me taking care of her, but not being my wife. I'm trying to regain the respect for myself that I've lost. That's my main goal right now, me. Well, after my son, of course.


She's been acting like youre her maid....or YOUVE been acting like youre her maid? As Sandi writes, doing everything for her around the house is not the way to earn her respect back. And until she respects you again, she isnt going to feel love towards you.

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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dnc1234 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Azzork

Look, the "spark" of a new relationship always wears off after a few months. Are you sure she isnt experiencing that with someone else...?


No, I'm not sure. I have my suspicions but no evidence. I don't feel she's physically cheating, but I do believe there's some sort of emotional affair at work.

Originally Posted By: Azzork

She's been acting like youre her maid....or YOUVE been acting like youre her maid? As Sandi writes, doing everything for her around the house is not the way to earn her respect back. And until she respects you again, she isnt going to feel love towards you.


Perhaps I could've worded that better. I've been acting like her maid for our entire relationship. If anything, I've toned that down in the past 2 weeks, because it's obviously not that important to her. She's been acting as if nothing should change at all between us except that our relationship should just be friends instead of spouses/lovers.

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I have been there and what you need to start doing is:

Start by doing spontaneous activities like use meetup, do new activities meet new friends, do ur share of the house work but not all, don't worry about the house for a little while see if she notices, which she will.

It will give you a new sense of identity, but go out meet new people!


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"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
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Eventually the talk will come from her then you can set boundaries and see if she is going to be willing to work on the R or not.


M35 W33 S14 D12
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ILYBNILWY 07/14
BD 7/14
S 5/15

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
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