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#2602087 08/27/15 02:00 PM
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Continued from my original post, Hopeless in NYC.

I believe we are piecing since W has repeatedly expressed (verbal) interest in fixing the R and we have been spending time together both as a family and just the two of us.


Me:31 W:31 D:6
T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009
W unhappy: 6/14
W moves to parents: 10/14
W wants D (angry): 12/14
W okay w/ S: 2/15
W wants D (calm): 2/15
W gets new job/place: 3/15
W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 65
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This sitch is starting to border on the insane. Asked W to come have lunch, and she seems to want to keep talking about her little extramarital sexcapade while making it seem like I'm the one who is bringing it up. She said OM was nothing and just a "stepping stone." Something about the way she speaks about people scares me. Apparently it turns out she's been only mildly attracted to me for years and was curious about other guys for some time (but was surprised to find out I was still hot for her after all these years). Her main concern is that I will hold a grudge about this and make life a living hell down the road. And the solution? She said I should go sleep with someone else as well to sort of level the field. All the while she continues to ponder us moving in together and that we definitely need MC. What kind of marriage is this going to be, exactly?? Something is seriously wrong here. We're flying out on our family vacation tomorrow! So confused about all of this...


Me:31 W:31 D:6
T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009
W unhappy: 6/14
W moves to parents: 10/14
W wants D (angry): 12/14
W okay w/ S: 2/15
W wants D (calm): 2/15
W gets new job/place: 3/15
W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
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It sounds like she is still in a fog in some ways. H said many strange things that made me wonder if he had become insane. Just give it time... Her suggesting MC is great!


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 230
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Posts: 230
Yeah... seems like she is not 100% there yet but moving in that direction. It shouldn't be ok w/ her that you have relations w/ someone else, let alone her suggesting it.


T: 14 M: 12
D: 9 S: 6
BD: 2/18/15 (H affair)
Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15
Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15
H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15
H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
hopeOK #2604568 09/06/15 06:38 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
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Precurser: it turns out the PA was actually a random one night stand

What an interesting trip...

The first day went particularly well, lots of smiles, laughs, hugs, kisses, and cuddling at night. Perhaps it was exceedingly good for the W, because the following morning there was sex. Yes, finally, after more than a year...SEX. I have to admit it was surprisingly easy to temporarily block out the images of an OM once the touching started. She did make sure to add a disclaimer that "it doesn't mean we're getting back together, it's just a physical activity"...this sentiment does continue to worry me. W seemed happy and upbeat most of the time.

The second day was a nice mix of romance and excitement. After a casual stroll down a pier, we had dinner a restaurant overlooking the water. The W found the setting to be particularly romantic, after which we went for a ride on a local ferris wheel. I should probably mention that the W is terrified of heights so I was holding her hand through it all, trying to comfort her with words and then sneaked in a peck on the lips at the top--heehee. laugh At some point in the day I found out that she was back to stealing her mom's antidepressants (she started taking them right in front of me and, realizing that I'm observing, said "oh, by the way...") and when I asked her why she doesn't just get her own, she said she'll do it when she gets her own insurance. Here's where the worries begin.

Day three was a rollercoaster. I thought the morning started off well on a count of sex again, but that quickly devolved into the W freaking out about getting pregnant and running out to get plan B. She got mad at me for being "careless" and started suggesting that maybe I screwed around with other women during our separation and now she might get an STD. She told me that she didn't want to say anything ealier, but the sex made her feel bad and that we should sleep in separate beds for the rest of the trip since we're "just friends." Later in the day she decided to break it to me that she still doesn't really find me attractive and then took it a step further to explain how she's been bothered for a long time that I am too small for her (even though I'm taller) and that she's really turned on by bigger men (apparently that was her selection criteria for her little tryst). Oh yeah, it also helps to be really social and suave, which apparently I'm lacking. I turned the other cheek, determined not to let her ruin this trip for everyone. She spent a lot of time looking bored/miserable from this point on, and it created a lot of tension between us which I felt under constant pressure to diffuse. We did manage to end the day nicely though at a very scenic mini golf spot, and I was quite thankful for that. Bedtime wasn't completely peaceful, and it was obvious that she was still angry from earlier in the day, to the extant that when I tried to offer kind words, she told me she doesn't want me to say nice things and to just let her sleep.

The fourth day was of great significance because it was a much needed exercise in trust-building. Among my W's many issues is that she can't swim due to an irrational, paralyzing fear of drowning even in shallow water (her uncle really f'd her up in early childhood by throwing her into a lake and she almost drowned). Before our separation, we had taken a trip to the Caribbean and I had started working on helping her break through this fear by teaching her to float on her back, and it was my fortune that she was willing to give it another chance. She seemed to genuinely appreciate it, and I lack the words to describe the joy I felt in helping her with this. Somehow, she ended up randomly stating that my trying to make amends with her friends/family is manipulative behavior and she doesn't like how it makes her appear to be a bad person for leaving. Apparently she feels trapped and "guilted" into coming back, and she doesn't really want to be doing this (never mind that I already agreed to give her the D before and it was her own idea to try fixing the R). We went to sleep in separate beds again, but without any displays of anger.

It is very difficult to deal with her. Hour to hour it can feel like I'm with a completely different person. She alternates between insults and compliments, smiles and frowns. I am very worried about her abuse of meds and that fact that she doesn't even see it. I continue to get a lot of mixed signals about the future, and it is difficult to plan around. Before we left, I was about to rent a new apartment, but because of her floundering on a timeline to move back together, I'm now stuck in the same craphole with the possibility of being evicted. Fine, whatever...fixing this family is top priority, I'll deal with it somehow. More difficult to deal with is the chaotic nature of her thoughts, the blaming, the resentment, the projection, the controlling, the distance, and the continuing lack of regard for the feelings of others.

This is all summary, BTW. Further details to follow as I get my head straight.


Me:31 W:31 D:6
T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009
W unhappy: 6/14
W moves to parents: 10/14
W wants D (angry): 12/14
W okay w/ S: 2/15
W wants D (calm): 2/15
W gets new job/place: 3/15
W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 29
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I'm new and have no words of wisdom, but am sending you positive thoughts while you deal with this chaotic situation. I hope MC starts soon and helps.


M: 48
H: 44
M: 2 / T: 7
My kids: S22, S18, S17, D12
H no kids of his own
BD: 7/12/2015 / moved out same day
Piecing 9/6/2015
Moved back in 10/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 65
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Thanks for the feedback Painter, hopeOK, Missmeg. I've been busy so haven't had much chance to compose my thoughts.

So W and I have been going out, mostly with D, and having an overall good time. Sometimes I saw her smile, hints of genuine happiness perhaps. D started her ice skating lessons, and W was so enamored from watching she asked if I could teach her too sometime (totally out of character since she's terribly afraid of most physical activity). We were even talking about taking another small trip somewhere since she has a few consecutive days off coming up and the last one was quite fun. But today it all went to hell.

I noticed that she's been communicating less, doesn't bring up MC anymore. I've been shopping around trying to find the best one in the area, but all I've gotten from the W was money concerns and hesitation. Come to think of it, money has been on her mind a lot lately and she's constantly worried about me losing my job. Well anyway, as a result of constantly taking sh*t from her, my job performance once again took a dive, and I got seriously reamed today about it. When I told the W about work troubles, she seemed completely apathetic. Then I asked about the MC. She said she's not feeling it. Then I asked her if it's because she's back to seeing other men, she said no. Finally she came out and said it was a mistake on her part for trying to get back with me because she's forcing herself and she's unhappy. Apparently she needs space again. Oh, and she wishes we could be friends, because nobody else is around to spend time with her. I did remind her that I am her husband, and if she just needs friends there are lots of people out there for that, and that if she needs lovers that are lots of people out there for that too. Sadly, she doesn't seem to know what she wants, and her unstable mood takes a serious emotional toll.

Also, finished reading Chapman's "Love Languages." Good stuff-- I think W needs Quality Time most, followed by Acts of Service. I'd ask her what she thinks, but, you know...

Sadly, I think I came to this forum too soon.


Me:31 W:31 D:6
T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009
W unhappy: 6/14
W moves to parents: 10/14
W wants D (angry): 12/14
W okay w/ S: 2/15
W wants D (calm): 2/15
W gets new job/place: 3/15
W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,277
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DAmn E...

Try to remain positive. Back to DB 101. No begging, pleading, reasoning...

Loving detachment is the name of the game...

Stay strong buddy...

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
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I am so sorry she's putting you through this roller-coaster. frown

My H won't go to MC anymore - he says he feels pressured by the MC and by me. I've taken a big step back and am focusing on becoming financially independent so I can choose freely what I want to do. At some point, I have to decide if I want to continue to be available for someone who doesn't seem interested in doing the work...


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 65
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There is so much I want to write, but I can't put it together when I'm in front of the keyboard. Also, I feel like I'm dying inside a little each day. Help? This post is somewhat pointless and devoid of any meaningful details, but I'm hoping it will motivate me to come back and fill in some blanks once I put D to bed. -e


Me:31 W:31 D:6
T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009
W unhappy: 6/14
W moves to parents: 10/14
W wants D (angry): 12/14
W okay w/ S: 2/15
W wants D (calm): 2/15
W gets new job/place: 3/15
W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
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