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Hello

Don't want to get into too much detail regarding L as of now. (I worry after reading matts post. I doubt it but you never know) basically once I go through courts my husband will have to provide financially. I also know this will mean no chance for reconciliation. I worry that it will mean winning a battle to lose a war. The better long term outcome for my kids is reconciliation vs a couple of months of child support? I do wonder if he is forcing my hand so he does not have to pull trigger. I know he is accumulating max resources for himself right now. He has said so. This past year he has not contributed anything. We were living with relatives. We have always kept separate accounts so I have no idea what he has. someone remarked to us that we lived so separately there really was no true healthy marriage ever. he said he will pay itemized list. Does not want to pay for things he didn't agree to like karate lessons for kids because it's not in his budget. In court this would not matter he would have to pay. It would be easier to move on if things were in ink, but at that point I worry no chance of reconciliation. We had been getting friendlier torwards each other until I asked about money. He sees things so narcissitically. (Although I am constantly questioning if it is me that is being stubborn). He truly sees himself as a wonderful father and husband that has made immense sacrifices for his family. He sees me as verbally abusive and someone that has only showed him negativity. Sometimes I believe that. Sometimes I feel that I was reacting to someone that has always been very selfish. (If I get the courage I will post on that later) We always battled about things like this in the past, I felt like he was stubborn and he felt that way about me. Now the difference is that he wants out of marriage so I have lost bargaining power. I am angry because to me kids come first. I am angry because he is twisting the situation around. I am not trusting my opinions anymore because I recognize that I could be the selfish one perhaps trying to control and abuse.


Me: 42
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Originally Posted By: JulieH
I basically lost it today. I have been mad about everything especially the finances so I asked him for money for the kids. He wanted an itemized list to justify what he should give me for the kids and I disagreed. I was asking for less then what courts would give me (goes by percentage of salary) he was getting angry and I basically blew up, screaming at him on the phone. (This is something I just do not do. I can't even count on 1 hand the times I have screamed like this. Most people are pretty impressed by my level of patience in general). I was screaming about the fact that he left us and has not provided for the kids, and that he is stringing me along and I really don't care whether we reconcile or not. I was screaming that the courts would give me a lot more then I was asking him for. He started saying that Im the one that pushed him out that he never abandoned us. (Not true at all) I called him a dead beat dad he told me if I pursue child support in court he is going to pursue a custody battle. It got really ugly. Of course he told me he had been having hope for reconciliation but that is gone now. He told me all I ever did in past was criticize him. Things kind of softened by end of argument. He told me how he hasn't been sleeping at all these past few months and I told him how devastating it has been for me. I ended up telling him I still have hope and want reconciliation. He said he is not going to say anything at this point until his emotions are settled. I emailed him letters expressing how I have missed him and why we should work on it. Basically I just did everything wrong. I sabatoged any chance we might have had.


Your H and sitch sounds a lot like mine, but we don't have children. The WH does not want to be pushed or challenged. One thing I have done a 180 with is finding my voice. One of the issues I brought to our M was not speaking up more for fear of not being loved and abandoned. I have for the most part done this in a calm and confident way. Yes, I did get emotional and raise my voice a few times, but that is to be expected. It was when I confronted him about having OW in our home back in May that he pulled out the same line about how he was trying to work on R, but now there was no way forward because I confronted. He did this again in July during a similar discussion. That time he pulled out the word D. I think what I was saying was bringing out his guilt about A and he wanted to avoid those feelings at all costs.

I think your H is using that same card to get you to stop pushing on child support. If you do this, I will not reconcile. Don't let him control you with that. My H started doing that this week to try to keep me from hiring L. He threatened that if I did, that he would go after more of my money. In my case, I was the primary bread winner our entire M since H was in school for all of it. Well you know what? I hired an L and filed. If nothing else, I will end the end have earned some respect and gained some confidence back. I'm not saying this is where you are at and need to file. You don't need to file to hold your own. In my case, it was just the best way forward with my sitch. The OW in my home on multiple occasions was my line.

I think there is a chance your H might be setting the sitch up so that you file so he does not look like the bad guy. I believe that is what was happpened in my case with my M. He says he has no guilt, but I don't believe him. Well, he got what he wanted. Again, I believe this was strongly influenced by A and might have been different if he was not in the fog. There has to be guilt involved in walking away from your children, so if you pull the plug he probably believes some if it is off him. Regardless if you file, he is the one that walked away and choose not to fight for his M. If it turns to filing, you are just protecting yourself and your children.

Stay strong. I can't even imagine having children to worry about in all of this.

Last edited by BT13; 08/27/15 01:20 PM.

Me: 42 H: 40
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Originally Posted By: Fogg
It's possible he's stringing you along but you never really know. For some reason the impression I got from reading some of those posts is that D is what he's leaning towards but he's not completely sure. Like he wants you to pull the trigger on it so he can feel less guilty. Regardless of what he's thinking or really doing reacting to him is something you can work on. You know it doesn't help anything in the long run one way or another.


Yes. I think you are right. He was leaning to divorce but with a little bit of hope and just waiting for me to make a mistake so he can know he is doing the right thing. I feel horrible now. I could not control my emotions and just sabatoged myself. I could not see past my own feelings. I over analyzed throughout the whole process. My fears, lack of patience and insecurity destroyed any chance. I am devastated. I know now that he is completely done. The things I yelled at him were so critical of him that it just proved him right.


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Bt13

I only read your 1st and last threads but will try to catch up. It is so sad when I read about everyone's hope in the beginning and then learn how sadly things end up. I feel like you had every right to get emotional regarding OW. Who wouldn't?

In my case I feel like I look like the good guy and he looks like the villain for not paying child support. But he feels like he tried so hard to make our relationship work years ago and now he feels like he is losing everything when I was the one that caused him so much pain by neglecting him and criticizing him all those years. He told me "I will lose everything but I can't survive in this marriage". My screaming all those negative comments to him reinforced to him how critical and unappreciative of him I am. (Telling him he abandoned us, and wasn't a man or provider, etc). I am sick to my stomach that this has confirmed it for him. (I have no doubts he is done) and now all I can do is let him go but I am so mad at myself,


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I know what you mean. I was just reading an article about how every man's greatest fear is feeling like a disappointment and failure to their W. I know I have made my H feel like that in many ways and it makes me sad to realize that. I never meant that to be the case and have lots of regrets for not focusing on being grateful for the positives and showing my H my gratitude. I know that DB says to not focus on the A and to let it go for the time being, but it was just too hard. I am sure my words only reinforced my disappointment with H.

None of this is easy, so please be kind to yourself. It is good that you recognize your faults and mistakes. However, it takes two people for an M to get to this point. Just try and focus on improving yourself. You still have the gift of time and no one mistake will ruin all of your progress. No one is perfect. Just get back to GAL and keep pressing forward!!


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Some WH are a great disappointment to their W and it's valid to truth dart with it!

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Some WH are a great disappointment to their W and it's valid to truth dart with it!

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My mom's and my best friends sentiments as well! In the past I never feared criticizing when I felt something was unfair and maybe I took it too liberally. But now the relationship has turned into something very unhealthy. I am sick over the thoughts of how this will go when it comes to litigation. He was at one time my best friend and now we will become worst enemies. I don't know how to keep this civil. Should I suggest counseling to get through Co parenting and the legal process? Has anyone done that?


Me: 42
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I have read others on here going through coparenting counseling and it seems like it would be a good idea. Whether or not your an will go for it is another story. I suggested it to H for us as well so that we can try and get through this as best as possible. Seems there is much to come to terms with in D. He is so against counseling that he just ignored the suggestion. Maybe you will have better luck.


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I filed - 8/2015
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JulieH Offline OP
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Talked to husband other day and in beginning of conversation he basically said we should just move on. He said he's concerned with how limbo is affecting me, and it's unhealthy for both of us. Said I really hurt him with what I said. Acknowledged that he has said a lot of hurtful things to me. Started asking if i really thought there were a lot of other guys out there better then him. He said he does not like my insecurity and lack of ambition (I have a doctorate in my field but I do not work full time in order to be home with kids). I basically did everything I should not have done... Debated all the reasons families should stay together, etc. however the weird thing is my argument seemed to soften him. Our conversation ended with him saying he needed time and we both need space. I agreed to use space to grow. Weird thing is the next day he said he would pick the boys up early to take them camping overnight with his family. He actually was up at 7 am. (This has never ever happened before). When he dropped them off he helped with a chore and offered to pay an old bill of mine that came in mail. I don't know what to make of this. Any insight? I am suspicious that he might be doing this because he is afraid I will pursue child support or maybe he is thinking that he needs to change his ways in case there is legal issues and a custody battle (based on the blow up). If I look at it more optimistically, Perhaps he wants me to make changes and is showing that he can too? Any way there was 1 day I felt great thinking it wasn't truly over and then today I am consumed with anger that he is not paying child support and because he never took responsibility for the kids. Any insight?


Me: 42
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Twins age 5
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Julie

I still believe it's the long con.

Get great L advice.

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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