My story

[drpqb29]

GAL: I painted my bathroom after 7 years of being in this house, I haven't really decorated master bed or master bath. So, now it is done: painted, pics on walls, some shelves. It looks good.

[drpqb29]

Is it possible he is being nice and wanting to do things just as a family because that is how he sees this divorce playing out? Am I reading too much into this?

[lonelee]

You will beat your self up over trying to analyze his everymove. Been there done that and its exhausting.

That is where detaching comes into play. Also dont expect things from him because you will be disappointed when they dont happen.

I would say not to over due it with the invites. Not everyday or even every week. Maybe he will wnder why your not doing it and maybe miss it.

Also I wouldnt accept every offer from him. Your busy G A L and let him see what alone time with his kids will be like for real with out you offering to help.

This is a big challenge for you i understand . Remember been there done that.. still doing it. : )

[drpqb29]

Thanks Lonelee for your insight. I am still reading too much and expecting too much. i will look at detachment again. Going dark and detachment different?

[drpqb29]

Last two days have been really bad for me. Crying, not pretty. Trying to be positive, but having a rough go at it.

[Azzork]

Thanks Lonelee for your insight. I am still reading too much and expecting too much. i will look at detachment again. Going dark and detachment different?

Yes yes yes yes yes yes. VERY different

Going dark is essentially falling off of the face of the earth to your spouse. No contact unless they initiate. This is a great tool to help switch the pursuer/distancer dynamic. It will also give you the space you need to detach and them the space to miss you.

Detachment is about disconnecting your emotions from his actions, thoughts, feelings words, etc. it's about becoming emotionally independent. If you fall off the earth but still check his Facebook every day, that's not being detached.

Make sense? Reread the homework threads!

[drpqb29]

Thanks Azzork, it does make sense. I am now reading the detachment thread. Very informative.

I have a lot of work to do. Boy, I only thought I was doing well...

[drpqb29]

I realize I have an unhealthy relationship with my H. I lose control of my emotions (generally emotional/hurt/angry crying) when things don't go my way. Anyone have some resources on how I can learn to control my unproductive reactions?

Another thought/question...will detaching help with this? Because I won't be as emotionally charged? Is this where it is all related? I am trying to connect the dots, but for me to be a smart girl, I feel so dense at times.

I would say my H biggest complaint would be that I am controlling and emotional when I don't get my way. I resort to doing and saying (mostly saying) extreme things for a reaction from him.

Whether or not we make it, I don't want my future relationship to be the same as this one.

This morning I began to read the Detachment Thread and am beginning to do the steps.

I feel sad that I have been so out of touch with his wishes. He also says I don't listen to him and constantly hear only what I want to hear. I keep pressuring him and talking to him about us working on our marriage. That isn't what he needs right now , and I am being selfish not respecting his wishes.

Growing pains... and yet...and am scared I am not really learning and practicing anything. I want change, but not willing to work on me. I am feeling lost and insecure about the decisions I am making.

[drpqb29]

The court date is Nov 5. I am feeling anxiety about this. He wants to do it pro se, but I feel I need someone to look at the stuff. I found a mediator, now we need to contact with her.

Because If the upcoming date, I found a great local resource for marriages in crisis and that does couple mentoring. They would do 8/10 sessions. I was hoping that H would give it a shot because what does he have to lose. We are already heading in that direction as well. We could work on mediation and mentoring until Nov 5. That was my thought process.

When I brought it up, H said that we are in different spots right now and that he doesn't understand why I keep doing this. I am making this all about me. I had ten years to figure out my issues for this marriage. I should be able to use my psychology degree for my issues (or something to that effect). He ask if this was about Sunday (when he invited me to dinner). I said no, it is about the last couple of weeks of being confused by his actions. I ask why he was inviting me to do things with him. He said he is alone with the kids most days and works from home, he is lonely. Sorry he was relying on me as a friend.

As I am here crying like a fool, I said I can't be your friend right now. all that you do gives me hope and thinks you are feeling differently. I did say I want to be his wife not his friend. He said he knows.

That is basically how we ended the conversation.

I feel I have screwed up royally. I have read some of the boundaries thread. Is this a boundary issue?

[drpqb29]

Also, I got whole up at work when I said I would meet him at 3pm at Ds school. I was running late at work, so i texted him 7 mins before 3pm that I was just leaving. He was already there, i didn't know that). When I was talking to him later that night, he said that I was late and I know how much he hates that. I said I texted you. H said I was already there. I said I am sorry I wasn't considerate of your time. He then proceeded to tell me that he hates the word sorry and it means nothing to him. What am I suppose to say/do with that????

I guess I will add being late for everything on my list of things I need to work on.

I am just running around the wheel.

When I read the detached thread. It states...Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.

Could I get some examples? Any help with this would be great.