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So part 5 of the ongoing saga. below is the link to the last thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...585#Post2601585


M:39
W:40
S:10
S:7
D:12
BD:3/5/15
Separate BR:3/5/15
W moved out with kids 1/3/16
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tkdmme Offline OP
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So,

Last night was business as usual. No fights or R talks. It is very hard but getting easier every day. I am still wondering what is going on in her mind but I realize its none of my concern. Things are getting better as far as my emotions. I still get emotional at times when I try to think too far ahead. I am trying to focus on the now and not think about the future. This is really strange for me.

In the past I have always built scenarios in my mind and tried to manipulate the future. This, I have found is completely useless and counterproductive. I am trying to come to a point to where I can let go of things I cant control. Again, trying to reprogram your mind after living a certain way for 39 years is a big challenge.

My occupation requires me to look into the future and try to prevent any problems that may occur. This works in the business I am in but never works in relationships. I have to learn to separate the way I operate at work from my role as H and father.

What would I do without this site. This has been very therapeutic. just to be able to put my thoughts and feelings out there and have you guys to give me feedback is amazing. this site should win some sort of award for what is has done for so many of us broken people.


M:39
W:40
S:10
S:7
D:12
BD:3/5/15
Separate BR:3/5/15
W moved out with kids 1/3/16
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Tk

Good morning....been reading your posts..I feel your pain....like you I waited a long time to reach out and try some thing different.

I am going through the same things...vacillatino between extreme anger and mournful sorrow...all I can say is hang in there..what's worked for me so far;

On rage days, hit the gym..go for a run..channel it productively. .don't hide it..run from it or deny it its place..
Get it out..then move forward.

On sorrow days, mourn..cry..write it out..get the hurt out ..don't stifle it..don't short change it..as men we have been taught not to cry not to get emotional..sometimes that catharsis is what our soul needs to continue...

Read everything on the board,....above all be you..do you..

Keep your head brother.....


Me:43 W:38
M:10 T:11
D:10 S:8
BD: 1/1/15
Sep:4/1/15
D filed: 8/12/15
1st court date: 9/22/15
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tkdmme Offline OP
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So, the work day is almost finished and I will go have to go home. As I mentioned earlier there has not been any fighting or R talks. Its been kind of creepy. Like two ghosts who wonder by each other. She is still on the phone with SIL most of the evening. I try not to think about what they are talking about.

I hate to say if because I don't wasn't to jinx myself but I feel like I have reached a point of peace with this whole thing. I haven't had any trouble sleeping and my appetite is back. It kind of feels like the calm before the storm.

I start the piano job this coming Tuesday and im trying to get ready for it. However, my W's new bedroom is my old music room and I have to make sure she is not in there before I can rehearse. Or maybe not. She knows that I have to rehearse and she chose to live in my music room. Maybe ill just rehearse whether she's in there or not. Anyway, I am looking forward to the gigs.

Its so weird that so many of us have similar problems.

I have regained some dignity and its growing every day. I really fell hard at BD and didn't recover very quickly. Im embarrassed at all the begging and crying I did. That's not like me at all. I never thought I would act like that. I felt like I was in a bad dream. It was relentless.

I just hope I can keep up the work that I have been learning here. Wish me luck.


M:39
W:40
S:10
S:7
D:12
BD:3/5/15
Separate BR:3/5/15
W moved out with kids 1/3/16
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Originally Posted By: tkdmme

Its so weird that so many of us have similar problems.

I have regained some dignity and its growing every day. I really fell hard at BD and didn't recover very quickly. Im embarrassed at all the begging and crying I did. That's not like me at all. I never thought I would act like that. I felt like I was in a bad dream. It was relentless.

I just hope I can keep up the work that I have been learning here. Wish me luck.

Don't feel bad about the begging, crying, pleading, etc. A lot of us do that at the beginning. Yes, it's not very manly and a little embarrassing to look back on, but I don't think it's necessarily a terrible thing. Probably not very attractive, but at least you show your W that you do care. Now it if went on for weeks, that would become just needy and annoying, but a couple of good cries in front of the W, I personally think might be a good thing. At one point, my WW actually tried telling me the only reason I didn't want a D was because it would cost too much. I lost it right there in front of her. To reduce 24 years together down to a simple matter of money killed me. And I honestly think she believed it until she saw me totally break down. Then I got a half-hearted "I'm sorry". So at least she knows. I won't be showing that side of me to her again for a very long time, if ever, but she realizes how bad she hurt me.


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
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tkdmme Offline OP
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I'm with u. She will never see that side of me again.


M:39
W:40
S:10
S:7
D:12
BD:3/5/15
Separate BR:3/5/15
W moved out with kids 1/3/16
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tkdmme Offline OP
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Last night was more of the same. W acts as if I'm not there. That's ok with me as long as we don't fight. This detaching is working for me. There has been no progress in how she feels as far as I can tell. She is going out of town this weekend to stay with a friend. It is a girl she used to work with as far as I know. This weekend will be hard for me.


M:39
W:40
S:10
S:7
D:12
BD:3/5/15
Separate BR:3/5/15
W moved out with kids 1/3/16
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Try to do something special or out of the ordinary this weekend for yourself and the kids. It may be fun and a welcome distraction for one and all.



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
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tkdmme Offline OP
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Something I forgot about last night. As soon as the W came home she asked if I had one of her credit cards. I looked through my wallet and I did not have it. She said "so you didn't spend 35 at the circle K on the 25th". I thought to myself "if I don't have the card how could I use it". I then replied no but you may need to cancel the card because apparently someone has it and is using it.

Why would I take her credit card. I think she is trying to find me doing something wrong. I get the blame for pretty much anything that happens these days. Which leads me to my next question.

Should I get a separate bank account and split her bills from mine? Right now we have one bank account and I am responsible for making sure the bills get paid. She has complained several times over the past few months that she doesn't like to ask me if she needs money for something.

The problem with splitting the account and the bills at this point is that she doesn't make enough money to pay her own bills much less half of the shared bills.

In a way I want to split it up. It would take some of the pressure off of me. When she was responsible for paying the bills, our power or water would often be shut off. Not because we didn't have the money but because she would forget to pay it.

Another reason I don't want to split the bills is because I think would lead to fights. I would have to constantly put money in her account to cover her half of the bills.

This is not a cut and dry decision.

Any thoughts or experiences.


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S:10
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tkd

She fired you as her husband ... why do the accounting for free?

Personally I would absolutely split the finances, in fact I did ... and to be honest even as we are looking to figure out what the new M will look like, those finances are not going to be combined ever again.

She is going to be a bit forgetful because ... well she has other things she is thinking about to be honest.

I would split them, let her spew ... this is a leadership type move, you are protecting yourself and your kids here ... if she can not pay her side of things, thats a nice cup of reality she will have to drink on her own .. not your problem as you have been fired right?

You do not tell her this as a punishment, calmly and cooly you express how you feel its better this way with the direction things seem to be going and that's that ...hand her her new bank card and strut somewhere GAL like John Wayne.

She needs to SEE what life will be like, not hear it ya know?


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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