Starting my second post and I really wanted to thank everyone on here for your stories and advice and comfort. It truly has been my savior in getting through a very difficult and confusing time. I am so grateful for the insights of so many wise, spiritual, and generous individuals. It is so amazing that we can learn through each other's experiences and help one another.
Love Julie
Last edited by Cadet; 08/25/1508:56 PM. Reason: Link
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Had really confusing and frustrating conversation with husband today. He called about kids school but he also initiated conversation regarding relationship stuff, but i am confused about what it meant. I was pretty mad when he called so my tone was kind of tense. I did not validate at all. Can't remember exact details but some parts that stood out included, him commenting on how my family is cold to him now when he drops off kids. He even said that this will potentially affect reconciliation and that they should not be involved (my family is never confrontational but I am sure they are not going to be friendly with him). I took that as a threat or mind game and defended them by saying he should try to see it from their perspective. They are now obligated to help/support his family. He asked me if I understand why we are here in this situation now. I am pretty sure his underlying message was saying that "you are the reason we are here in this situation" but I said yes. I also mentioned that a family member believes he is misleading me and he said that this has been very hard for him and he doesn't want to make wrong decision. If we try to reconcile and it does not work it will make things more confusing and worse on kids. He also said if I think he is misleading me then I could speed decision up and take matter into my own hands (didn't say it but indicated pursue divorce). He also recommended that I get a free consultation from attorney so I could understand financial aspects better. Why would he tell me that? He said he has not consulted with attorney. Anyway end of coversation it was agreed upon that neither of us wanted to rush into any decision. I did say I did not want to divorce but would understand if that was his decision. Confused because why would he care about my family? He never really went out of his way to converse with them anyway. And why say that would affect reconciliation? He's the one that called and brought topic up, I was just giving space.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Believe nothing of what he says. WH has revealed his hand.
He is telling you to get L, go get good L. Keep those cards close to your chest, if you don't he can turn round and say "I told you".
The double bluff, long con. Discussing your family is button pushing distraction. And actually in essence you haven't really anything agreed, if there is no ink, there is no agreement.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/27/1501:08 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Believe nothing of what he says. WH has revealed his hand.
I guess I kept trying to believe what I wanted to believe. Another poster said mentally he is already divorced. Everyone was telling me he was trying to drag this out so he doesn't have to pay child support? Or just because he tends to procrastinate. I dont want to believe it. I want to believe him and that perhaps he was considering reconciliation and that taking his time on a decision is typical of his personality
He is telling you to get L, go get good L. Keep those cards close to your chest, if you don't he can turn round and say "I told you".
this is so bizarre to me. Why would he suggest I go? Wouldn't it be better for him if I did not know my rights? (I did receive some advice and am aware that once I go to court I will do ok. I was advised by my cousin who is attorney that court system would get nasty and no chance of reconciliation after we go through it. Mediation was not recommended for me)
The double bluff, long con. Discussing your family is button pushing distraction. And actually in essence you haven't really anything agreed, if there is no ink, there is no agreement. double bluff long con...do you mean that he fears me using the court system? V. Based on what I have said do you feel that he is stringing me along? I debating between 2 extremes....1. He is confused and hurt and needs time to forgive. Deep down he does not want to divorce but is just so stressed and depressed. Vs 2. He has had this planned out for a while, and is saving money right now and he has been looking for excuses and just waiting for me to slip up....more on how I did mess up this next post. V
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I basically lost it today. I have been mad about everything especially the finances so I asked him for money for the kids. He wanted an itemized list to justify what he should give me for the kids and I disagreed. I was asking for less then what courts would give me (goes by percentage of salary) he was getting angry and I basically blew up, screaming at him on the phone. (This is something I just do not do. I can't even count on 1 hand the times I have screamed like this. Most people are pretty impressed by my level of patience in general). I was screaming about the fact that he left us and has not provided for the kids, and that he is stringing me along and I really don't care whether we reconcile or not. I was screaming that the courts would give me a lot more then I was asking him for. He started saying that Im the one that pushed him out that he never abandoned us. (Not true at all) I called him a dead beat dad he told me if I pursue child support in court he is going to pursue a custody battle. It got really ugly. Of course he told me he had been having hope for reconciliation but that is gone now. He told me all I ever did in past was criticize him. Things kind of softened by end of argument. He told me how he hasn't been sleeping at all these past few months and I told him how devastating it has been for me. I ended up telling him I still have hope and want reconciliation. He said he is not going to say anything at this point until his emotions are settled. I emailed him letters expressing how I have missed him and why we should work on it. Basically I just did everything wrong. I sabatoged any chance we might have had.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I feel like this is how things have been going...I get mad because of something he did or didn't do and then I react to it and it makes me look like the bad guy and justifies him leaving.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Believe nothing of what he says. WH has revealed his hand.
Is there any chance that he is not WH? I know realistically no one can really answer this. It seems so obvious and would Make sense. I wish I could find out because then I would go full extent and move on. He denies. But of course he would. This is truly the worst thing a partner could do to me. I think he could be and would never admit it because he knows I would not settle civilly. But then why drag it on? To pay as little as possible and keep things status quo?nobody thinks their partner would do this, so why would mine be any different. The only fear he seems to have right now is the courts. Could it ever be true that he really truly is in deep turmoil and stress, not sleeping because he is debating reconciliation. Is that too far fetched? I need proof. I just want to know the truth.
Last edited by JulieH; 08/27/1506:24 AM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
You can protect yourself and your children. Consulting an L means you know your rights from an independent third party. That doesn't mean you need to use an L.
From that which you say you have no Intel to know either way about WH and his activities.
He isn't living with you and resents paying for his children, that's enough for me, children come first. And just because he says X orY, custody, payments etc none of that is agreed. It's not agreed until the ink is dry.
Again it's counter intuitive and even if you could file without L why would you?
If he is going D, he's firing you as his W.
By the long con, I mean that WH is seeking maximum resources for WH.
None thinks their partner would do any of these things until they do. I know you want to know the truth but you may never have it. There may be uncertainty for a long while until it all unfolds.
You may have to forgive yourself and move on managing your life and your children.
Your WH is behaving like many do, I may come back, you spoiled it, I may make this very nasty if you don't do that which I say etc. then YOU soothe him, YOU give him the attention he needs. YOU feel guilty and ashamed because like me you have reacted as a screaming banshee. (that's what I call my shameful and awful phase). I managed to escape it because it didn't work for me. It gave control to my WH.
I think you are getting angry a little, which from my perspective is good it will unstick you.
As far as I can see getting good advice can only help you. Knowing exactly what the position on your children is can't be a bad thing can it? Go do it.
If you would like to see similar advice being given to another poster here, read Eric's current thread, if you think Eric go get independent advice then see that for yourself.
Your sitch is already open now, close it down. It's also counter intuitive but having an L in the pocket means you can add distance to your position.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
It's possible he's stringing you along but you never really know. For some reason the impression I got from reading some of those posts is that D is what he's leaning towards but he's not completely sure. Like he wants you to pull the trigger on it so he can feel less guilty. Regardless of what he's thinking or really doing reacting to him is something you can work on. You know it doesn't help anything in the long run one way or another.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
