So today I went for a drug test for a new job. I had my interview for this job on July 9th, which was the day he left. I never thought I would get to this point but so happy. It will help my financial situation tremendously. I believe it was on Gods timing too. She said it would take two days to get the results back and she wants me to start next week. I am excited but terrified. I don't do too good with change.
I have been getting better with detaching and my emotions. Still working on it but proud of myself for it.
Guess that's all for now. Going to read and then head to bed.
Congratulations on the new job! I hope everything works out for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Mlcers go back in time to a place where they were emotionally stunted. They need to face those issues, accept the things that they had no control over and then begin to move forward and grow up. They didn't get the validation, affirmation, the atta boy or girl on the back, they didn't get approval for the things that they accomplished and/or their ideas and possible love at that young age. They may have been criticized or made fun of and yes, a sibling may have been gotten all of the love and attention from the parents. There may have been abuse in the home, i.e., verbal, mental or physical.
During MLC, they are seeking validation and affirmation from those around them. They want to be recognized for what they do in a big way and sometimes will go out of their way to point out the things that they have done (good things) just to get the recognition. As for approval, they seek approval of others for the decisions that they are making at this time, which could include parents and/or authority figures. They want people to approve of their separating and divorcing of the spouses and, of course, their new life styles.
This link will explain some of what I have posted in the first paragraph:
So I got a little mad today. I found out he sent a woman he has never met money. It makes me mad because he doesn't offer to help me with anything but can send some random stranger money? I dont understand him or it at all. He told her if she needed more next week, let him know.
Hi Haunted, without reading back - have you taken some practical steps to protect your finances? If you haven't, I would certainly consider doing that, with some L advice if needed.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
He called tonight to talk to Our daughter. He had a sadness in his voice. He said he really misses the kids and upset about it.
We talked about him getting her this coming weekend. He did mention that we would talk Sunday if he felt like it. He'll have to think about it. I am not expecting anything. Maybe one day it will Happen. Not going to even mention it and just wait until He's ready.
I've read up on MLC behavior but i am floored by this. i have never experienced MLC before so please help.
He started talking to a woman online. He asked if he gave her money friday what would that get him. She said if he brought $60 it would get him something nice. So he asked about sex. She said yes. He is really headed down a destructive path. I don't want to see anything bad happen to him but I know I can't help him either.
This behavior is so odd. He is suppose to get our daughter Friday night, but I am having second thoughts now since knowing this.
I am trying to keep the focus off of him but I am alarmed knowing my daughter is going out there and he is already making plans for this.
haunted, I'm sorry you are having a difficult time, but I want you to know that you aren't alone. None of us knew that we were going to be here and dealing w/MLC. MLC was something that wasn't discussed many, many years ago and now it's discussed quite openly and people are making films about it.
As for him being on line, negotiating and discussing what this woman can do for him, there's nothing you can do about it. This is his journey to make on his own. You can't help him, but you need to make sure your accounts, credit cards and assets are okay.
No, his behavior isn't odd. It's something many of them do during the crisis and they do tend to have memory lapses. So, you might want to gently ask him if he's still planning to have his daughter Friday evening. I wouldn't want my child to be around someone who is planning something like this, but maybe he's getting a sitter or he could have forgotten that the little one is coming over. You've got plenty of time to ask him what his plans may be for the weekend and go from there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We went and watched War Room tonight. such an amazing movie. I cried and laughed
Not really much of an update on him. We don't talk much. He doesn't call the kids still. He wants to take our daughter out of state to meet one of the girls that he has never met before. Oh and apparently we are divorced now and have been for 2 months lol.
He picked up our daughter tonight for his weekend with her. He still offers no money. He told my mom he is doing the best he can. That he has bills too. He didn't speak to me much tonight. When he did speak, he wouldn't look at me. He was in such a rush to get out of there.
He is refusing to look at you out of guilt and shame. When he looks at you, he is reminded of what he is doing and has done. He sees the pain and questioning on your face when he does look at you. The eyes are the window to the soul.
Haunted, please read as much as you can on MLC and depression. It will help you better understand what your h is going through. Also, read the other threads and begin posting to others. When you post to others, they will begin to come around and visit w/you and offer up some really good advice/suggestions to help you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Haunted, I agree with Job about doing some reading about MLC.
The more you understand what to expect the better IMHO. That way, when something does happen, instead of feeling devastated you may think 'ah yes, I've read about this and I understand to expect some anger' etc.. That's progress I think.
Remember that your H is probably going to do nothing that is good for you, or your R in the near future. This is why self-care and self-education are so important....
I agree about posting to others too....it can attract people onto your thread and that way you'll receive more rounded advice and input.
Take care, Sotto x
Last edited by Virginia; 09/05/1501:52 PM. Reason: Reference to other sites not allowed.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well today is my birthday. I got my daughter back at 1200 because we had a party to go to. He refused to talk again today too saying he didn't feel good and feel like talking. He did wish me a happy birthday and told me he hoped it was great and hugged me and kissed my cheek. Then finished it off with He wants a divorce still because he is ready to move on with his life.
He did talk to me a little more this evening when he was at home. He said he was crazy about me and i made him happy but he got tired of the arguing but that doesn't change anything because he still wants a divorce. He's also sorry the marriage couldn't work.
I had a pretty good day today though. Off to bed. goodnight everyone.
Hi Haunted- Happy birthday! Glad you had a good day.
Keep posting as you will receive phenomenal support and advice. I don't have a lot of advice to offer you but you will obtain some clarity about all this the more you read about MLC and depression.
My H didn't look me in the eyes for months and he has lived at home throughout his MLC. Having witnessed this whole process firsthand I can attest to the fact that there is a basic MLC script, there are huge variations to how they journey through MLC and despite the fact that they seem happy, there is a deep, deep depression at work.
Definitely read everything you can and focus on taking care of you and your daughter.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Happy Birthday! I hope you were able to make it a good day in spite of what is happening with H.
In the beginning my H also had a hard time looking at me. When he did, his eyes were lifeless. At first I took that as him feeling nothing for me like he said, but after learning more, I realized it was the depression. My husband looks like he has aged 10 years in the last few, it has taken its toll in so many ways.
Hang in there, it's a long process that your husband must go through. A lot of what he is saying could be ramblings of emotions going through his head, as you can see he is all over the place. As you read other postings, you can see that is the norm.
Focus on you and your daughter.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
So, I've been doing some thinking and may have already mentioned this. But I think his MLC started in 2012 when he left the first time. He gave me all the classic, I love you but I am not in love with you. He hasn't been happy. He wants a divorce because that's what he wants. Basically the same things he is saying now but last time was different. He talked to me more and wasn't so cold to me like he is now. I did the begging and pleading and all that last time. We got back together a month and a half later after he left. He didn't see anyone but did talk on various dating sites.
Back then, he told me he was coming home but just give him a little bit longer.
So now I am thinking he came home too soon and never got out of the crisis which is why we are back to this today. It's harder this time. He is much different. I read up that if they come home too soon, usually within 2 years, they'll leave again. Well he was about 2 months shy of being 3 years away from the last time he left.
He told me sunday that he wants a divorce so he can move on with his life. He said he hasn't had the money to file yet but probably will have to wait until income tax time. But everyone keeps telling him that he should be able to file the paperwork online or print it off. He just keeps saying he hasn't had time to do that yet.
Thank goodness I see my therapist Wednesday lol. So much has went on since I seen her last.
I would make sure that your finances are in order and he hasn't taken out any loans against the home, etc.
It sounds like he came back too soon and/or things didn't go as well as he had hoped. Sometimes they leave and then get scared that they are making a mistake and want to return home. You did nothing wrong by allowing him to return except it makes the leaving all that much harder the second time around. They have to be cold and mean towards us in order to do the things that they think they have to do, i.e., get away from us, have no feelings for us and yes, divorce us. Unfortunately, divorce will not change the way they feel and life will generally not turn out the way they think it should have.
I wouldn't do a divorce from online. I definitely would seek the advice of an attorney or even several. Keep in mind, once you've met w/the lawyers, he can't use them to represent him, even if you don't hire them. Knowledge is power and when the word "divorce" comes into play, you need to be up on your game because no matter how much they promise you that they won't screw you over, they will.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks job I'm iff tomorrow so going to go talk to one.
He was suppose to come to my sons game but bailed on it with the excuse be was sick. Not surprised at all. First it was he was sick, then No money or gas. I hate that the kids have to deal with things like this. Which my son is his stepson but he raised him, now he just doesn't have anything to do with him.
In the beginning, my H bailed on so many things that involved our son. I was so disappointed, our children are the innocent victims in this.
However, over time, H came back around and started making our son a priority again. In the last 6 months, I have seen true efforts to rebuild his relationship with him.
Give it some time, hopefully your husband will start to miss the children and make them a priority again.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I would offer you some advice, but the veterans here are far wiser than I. I can offer my support. I wish you nothing but the best on your journey. You present yourself as an incredible woman and any man would be lucky to have you.
I try to tell myself that each day that goes by brings me one day closer to a resolution on the situation. This mindset is successful sometimes. Other days are harder, but we just have to keep plugging away till the next day, which may not be as hard. Find the little joys in our day to day to get us through the hard days. Kids can be a blessing here, so can your friends and family.
One bit of advice that I have offered many people, because it has helped me a lot. Think about your friends. Do you have one that you feel would support your decisions regarding your marriage no matter what? I had a conversation with one of my friends and I started it off with, "I really need someone to talk to, but it is equally important that the person I open up to support my decisions and not try to talk me around to what they think is best. Do you think you can do that?"
He agreed and his support has been a godsend for me. I'm able to call him if the urge to call W gets too strong and I am able to confide in him. He simply supports me and talks to me about what is going on in his life.
Good luck, haunted.
M: 38 W: 37 T: 20 M: 19 Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12 BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out) PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM) Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
In the beginning, my H bailed on so many things that involved our son. I was so disappointed, our children are the innocent victims in this.
However, over time, H came back around and started making our son a priority again. In the last 6 months, I have seen true efforts to rebuild his relationship with him.
Give it some time, hopefully your husband will start to miss the children and make them a priority again.
He just started coming around and getting our daughter every other weekend. Which I am happy about that but he's still has nothing to do with my son. He promises him he will always be there no matter what happens with us. Promised him he would be at his football games but hasn't been to one yet. I know my son is hurting inside but he is not one to talk about his feelings. His real dad abandons him then the man he that raised him, my husband, just up and leaves. Our daughter prays every night for her daddy to come back. It just breaks my heart.
My wife will still tell people that I am one of the most handsome men she has ever seen in her life. Admits that she has affaired down. Says I am more intelligent, handsome, and will always be more successful than OM.
I can't say if it is normal or not, but it happening to me as well. :p
*Edit* Grammar
Last edited by late30s; 09/09/1507:20 PM.
M: 38 W: 37 T: 20 M: 19 Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12 BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out) PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM) Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
My H said that I am beautiful, he loves me and I'm the best to be married to. But, he can't grow old without having the chance to become a Dad again...(OW is 29).
Last edited by Sotto; 09/09/1508:09 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Haunted, it can be hard to understand things like this....and you may find yourself in a long tunnel with no cheese if you try my friend. Focusing on the distorted reality of a MLCer and trying to make sense of it will not serve you well.
Best to let him be and accept that some of this 'talk' doesn't make much sense....I know it's hard - but truly that is the best way to move forward.
Take care, Sotto x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
haunted, Your h feels the need to add that you've not together any more to not only convince you of the situation, but also to remind himself as well. It's their "mantra". Also, there are going to be times that things pop out of his mouth that really don't make sense.
The best thing you can do is listen, sift through the garbage coming out of his mouth and go from there. If you sit and analyze every little sentence and action from him, you are going to drive yourself crazy. I know...you are new to this...but you can't make sense when they are irrational.
Keep the focus on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So he has talked about wanting closure with the marriage. I don't even want to take that step. But then he texts me and said he already has his closure because he's over the marriage and me.
They say all sorts of things. Believe none of what they say. Just let it roll off. Go check out Cali's saga, his MLCer did and said some interesting things, yet they are on the road to recovery. Mine will get really nasty when reality starts sneaking up on her. I'm not saying you condone what they're saying, just accept that it is the MLC talking -- somehow made it easier for me to accept. Continue to plug on away on you.
It has reached a point with mine that I can hold up a red candle and she will insist it is a blue pony ... I don't even know how to respond to it. I typically keep quiet and try to grab what small tidbits of wisdom I can.
Good luck, haunted. Try to stay positive.
M: 38 W: 37 T: 20 M: 19 Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12 BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out) PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM) Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Received a text message from my mil today. Im ignoring it so just gonna vent about it here.
Well she said that he supposedly said he can't stand me, doesn't want me calling or texting him, he doesn't want to be friends, he wants me to Leave him alone. She said he has his closure from the marriage. He's over you and the marriage. She all he wants is to pick up his daughter and drop her off and get back without talking to you.
Well I don't call or text him. I've texted him later if he ask about meeting arrangements.
MIL is a whack job, but bear in mind too, you don't know what kind of nonsense H is telling her.
See an attorney and look into filing an order for temporary support. Make sure you are protected financially.
Your H is a recurring cheater and frankly, kinda out of his mind right now. He would have to do a LOT, LOT, LOT of work to become a person you should let back into your life again. Not impossible, but also, not super likely.
Focus on creating the best possible life for yourself and your kids. Focus on becoming the best YOU that you can be. If he happens to come back later, YOU can decide at that time whether you want him back or not (you might not!). But for right now, just protect yourself financially and move forward with enjoying your life. Pretend he's gone on a one-year ocean voyage, so you might as well have fun and focus on improving your own life.
Must be MIL from h#ll day, I had issues with mine as well! Would you be willing to block her number on your phone? No matter what your H is telling her, which would most likely be the typical MLC jibber jabber of nonsense, she does NOT need to be texting it to you. She is completely out of line and needs to stay out of your marriage, but because she sounds out of her mind, I don't think she will.
Do you need to have contact with her? If not, consider blocking her. To read and or hear her garbage brings no good into your world.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
The MLCer will rewrite history and will vilify you to others. I'm sure he's told his mother a bunch of BS and playing the victim right along w/it. Blood is thicker than water when it comes to family and they will believe him because he is family.
Now, about that MIL, block her calls and messages. You don't need to be listening to her spew as well. What's going on in your marriage is none of her business...but after reading some of the stuff she's said, I can understand why your h is having some issues, i.e., mommy issues.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So now he is going to strip joints. He was bragging all over facebook about what he got to do and got one of the dancers phone number. And talking about how he may be 43 but he still has "got it"
I think I am gonna have to just get rid of fb for awhile or delete him.
Good Move, delete h off your f/b. I did, it also saves temptation to snoop.
Shame to hear your MIL is taking sides and not trying to remain neutral, you are the mother of her grandchild if nothing else. Your h will be telling her what he wants her to believe and right now it's what he believes too - try not to take it to heart (which I do know is easier said than done) but down the path a bit they will be very sorry and embarrassed people. Don't communicate with her unless absolutely necessary, I did not talk to mine for months because of the rubbish she told people, my FIL started emailing me privately to give me the heads up to what expect next from her so I was prepared.
As for the strip clubs and all, he is acting out and trying to portray to the world he has it all now he is free and single, but to many and those who count all they will see is a sad deluded man who just left his family for no good reason.
Let's get the focus off him and his family and back on to YOU as you are the important one here. Getting you to start moving forwards with your own life and find your inner and outer smile again.
Like Lou said, delete him on FB. BTW, Trust me, no one is reading his stripper night posts thinking he is a lucky guy,..I know the temptation to snoop can be overwhelming. I was a huge snooper in the beginning, so bad that I had to move out to stop. Nothing good came of it, only unanswered red flags and lots of pain.
The less you know about his MLC antics, the better. It also helps to keep the focus on you and your children. That is why we advise blocking H and MIL. You will get to a point where you realize, it's just too much and you just don't want to know.
Hang in there. What are you doing for YOU this weekend?
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Do i just need to block him on fb only? I deleted my mil off weeks ago because i just got tired of her postings. He created an entire new facebook account since he left and added me on it. I accepted but now I am thinking why did i do that? He also created a twitter account and followed me on there. LOL
It really is hard not to take it to heart. He speaks it so much to any and everyone how he has no feelings for me anymore. That's the hardest part is him saying that. Which i know is the MLC monster but it still hurts.
I worked this weekend, came home and did school work. Tomorrow church and then a birthday party. I think next weekend I am going to plan to do something since she will be at her dads. I've got to take a break from school work and being stuck inside so much doing it lol.
He texted earlier tonight saying he was still coming Monday to my son's football game. I really will believe it when I see it considering what he did last week.
Thank you all for all your wonderful support and wisdom. This really is a tough road but I will make it. Someday, I will be so much better than I am now.
If I have done anything right, it was when I removed the temptation of W's facebook. It has brought me a lot of peace of mind not snooping. I would suggest you remove him on all your social media, for your own sanity. It's a lot harder to snoop when those things aren't options.
My W had to create a new fb account for all of her nonsense as well, she keeps it very private and only invites people that are accepting of her A to it. On her older fb account, she is still married. Can't make heads or tails of what they're doing and it is far easier if you remove yourself from it.
M: 38 W: 37 T: 20 M: 19 Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12 BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out) PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM) Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
One last thing I read on his strip post status on fb that I wanted to talk about. He keeps saying as far as he is concerned he is single and he goes and does what he wants to do. Someone mentioned me and he said that he has no more feelings for me at all but he will be friends with me for our daughter and that's it.
Haunted, please stop looking at h f/b or any social media of his. All it does is cause you pain and upset, no good will come of it. Only have communication with him regarding the children, keep it short and to the point. If it is not necessary then don't contact him. I know its hard, I really do, but I am just thinking of you and your sanity.
Read threads here from the beginning, you will see that most of us have written the same as you - that our h/w have said hurtful things like they no longer love us, never had feelings for us ever, that leaving us is the best thing they have ever done .... this is part of the MLC, its a false world that they have created in their heads, they truly believe it, nothing and no one can change their minds as they are convinced they are right. Hopefully one day, your h will wake up and see what he has done to all those around him and like many post MLC'ers he will feel regret and remorse.
I really do feel your pain, it was not long ago that I was where you are now so I do understand how hard this is. You going to be ok, you will get through this, it does take time and determination, just keep the focus on you, keep moving through the days as best you can, it will get easier.
I just got a text from MIL saying that he stole $100 that was for bills out of her room. She said she confronted him and asked if he was on drugs. He said no so she said then you are giving it to some girl. He said he doesn't have it. She asked him what he did with it and he wouldn't say anything.
I am not even responding to her because it's not my concern. I can't help him or fix the issue. She is on her own to worry with that. I am just worrying about myself and my kids.
So now he is going to strip joints. He was bragging all over facebook about what he got to do and got one of the dancers phone number. And talking about how he may be 43 but he still has "got it"
Ummmm....likely this is where he spent the hundred bucks. Those girls are sure making a sucker out of him.
Please,please,please....see a lawyer and get some paperwork started so that you are protected from any liability for any debts he runs up, and so that he has to pay child support.
(Funny/sad strip club story - when I was in med school, my ex and I had a temporary room mate, a fellow med student from another state doing a 3 month rotation in our town. He was a tall, handsome young man, and being a future doctor, could have gotten any number of dates. But he had gotten into the habit of attending the local strip club and decided he had fallen "in love" with one of the girls there.
He was gonna "rescue" her, she was gonna go back home with him when he left. Of course, all that really happened was she sucked his pockets empty and when the time came, said "bye" while he went home and she kept a good chunk of his cash. He foolishly hadn't realized he was being played.)
Well, today was busy. I was off but felt like I was running around everywhere lol.
My son had their game tonight and my husband actually showed up. He didn't speak to me at first. He spoke to everyone else when he first got there. He probably ignored me for the 1st 30 mins. When he sat down he sat far away from me, then moved up to sit near my uncle. Somehow we finally ended up sitting beside each other. I saw glimpses of the man I knew. The smiling, which I've barely seen in awhile, the flirting with me, the acting comfortable around me. He asked me about some pics of his dad and him that I had and pics from the burial. I told him I still had them and could put them on a cd if he brought me one. He said yeah because you need to delete them. We are not together anymore so you dont need any pics of me. He even snapped at me when I answered him about the pics and said he was trying to watch the game.
He must have realized i removed him from facebook because he called me and was pissed about that. You could hear the anger in his voice. He replied with an oh well and you can do what you want.
I can't win for losing. Tonight was just another ride of confusion.
Boy Haunted, sure seems to me like he is really trying to convince you that it is over.....or is he trying to convince himself? Sounds to me like he is talking the typical mantra, it's text book. He is trying to convince himself and others. If he really felt that way, he would not be telling you over and over, he is trying to talk himself into that. He is confused Haunted, really in a spin.
Please get and stay out of his way. He needs to spin it out. Keep your head up girlfriend, stand your ground, love yourself and dig inside for your strength. You will be amazed at the strength you have inside of you as you walk this journey.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Boy Haunted, sure seems to me like he is really trying to convince you that it is over.....or is he trying to convince himself? Sounds to me like he is talking the typical mantra, it's text book. He is trying to convince himself and others. If he really felt that way, he would not be telling you over and over, he is trying to talk himself into that. He is confused Haunted, really in a spin.
Please get and stay out of his way. He needs to spin it out. Keep your head up girlfriend, stand your ground, love yourself and dig inside for your strength. You will be amazed at the strength you have inside of you as you walk this journey.
Well there are some days I think he really feels this way and it trying to make me see thats how he really feels. Some days I think he is just a WAS more than a MLC. It's such a blurred line right now.
I am staying as far out of his way as I can. I don't want the headache any longer.
Aww Haunted, so sad you're having to go through this, you are doing great and understanding what you need to.
Your h wants everything on his terms and on his time scale so when you go against what he thinks you should be doing that upsets him, he is going through a "spoilt brat" stage, stamp his feet in a paddy when he doesn't get what he wants. You keep doing what you feel is right, don't let him bully you.
He is completely confused right now, spinning around not knowing which way is up. Just let him be, allow him to work it out on his own. Its sad and heartbreaking to watch and even more painful to live through, this is why detaching is so important and something you will thankful of as this process unfolds.
I feel so stressed today. Friday is my last day at my old job. I start my new one sometime next week. I am nervous about it lol.
I had a woman that he hung out with reach out to me on fb. She wanted my number so I gave it to her. We called. She told me they didn't do anything. She wasn't attracted to him in any way. She said he spent most of the time talking to her cousin and it happened to be bad things about me. LOL. She said her cousin thinks he is very much in love with me since he talked about me so much. She said he appeared to be a very broken man. It kills me knowing he is hurting and I can't do anything about it.
He also sent me a friend request on facebook, which I haven't touched yet.
I agree with the others. Kind of like he did at the game, they have a way of finding you if they want to. Let him pursue or run away, but give both of you the space. If you don't, it'll be like tangling with a meat grinder.
As for FB. It seems to me that a lot of people use that as a kind of tool. They use it to show how "happy" they are, or how "great" things are. They also use it to spy on people and gather intelligence about them. My suggestion is that if YOU are not ready for him to be on your page and watch what you post, then don't accept the friend request. You can always let him know it's for you that you make that choice (later and only if he asks.)
Be honest with all you do. It's never a good idea to do things to get his attention or to prove how happy you are etc. You'll be tempted at some point. They have a tendency to try and get your attention like a teen - often with taunting or anger. The response is to try and defend yourself. Try not to get caught up in that. Silence is a great answer if he is being unkind in his attempts to interact.
Why? Because he'll twist whatever you say into something like "see?!! that's why I left!" If you misrepresent or defend, that's the fodder he'll use. I saw a lot of that in my case and in many others. In my case, it took a long time before that sunk in with me. The other reason is because it helps you to get perspective if you detach from that kind of stuff and only pay attention to the polite and respectful interactions. And finally, because it "teaches" others how to treat you. Some need that more than others
Based on what you say above, compassion shouldn't be tough. But it will be if you take the bait with future interactions. They may escalate the more you don't take the bait, but stay the course. It'll be worth it.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
So, he and I took our daughter to the fair tonight. When we first got there, all he talked about was this new girl that he hopes becomes a girlfriend. Our daughter told him no. He said he could do what he wants. She said no youre still married to my mama. He said I don't care.
Then later on we were sitting there talking about random things, he starts talking about how he wants me to be happy for him because he would be happy for me if I found someone. and hes not sad that he is the not the one that would be making me happy. He wants me to see someone else. Then he went on about a divorce. He said he is still planning on filing something soon when he gets time because he's ready to move on with his life. Random other things he said throughout the night was he doesn't care what I do. What i do is not his concern anymore. He made sure to mention the we're not together anymore as well. LOL
He dropped me off at home and gave me a hug because I wasn't feeling good. That was what he said to me and said thank you for giving me my daughter and for 10 years together. I am sorry that it didn't work out.
Hi Haunted, I was sorry to read your post above. That sounds like an awful way to spend an evening - damaging to you and damaging to your D to hear those things.
I have a couple of questions for you. Firstly, boundaries. I find the way your H talks to you incredibly disrespectful and yet I don't see you making a response to protect yourself and your D from his actions. Secondly, can I ask why you choose to continue spending 'family' time with him when he is in this state of mind? Because what he is offering is very much like scraps and you seem to be gladly taking them.
My H asked if we could carry on doing 'family' things with SS when we had S and he was with OW. I told him that I couldn't offer him that whilst he chooses to be in a R with someone else.
It also sounds as though you are having R talks with him, and I wonder if that is a good idea. Going as dark as possible might be a good plan - although this is only possible to an extent if you are co-parenting.
Take care, Sotto xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Can I ask a question - why did you go to the fair with your h? You know he is trying to push buttons and in crazy mode so why subject yourself to more unnecessarily. Until he learns to treat you with respect and speak civilly to you, then I would avoid social interaction with him. If you must do things together then I would put boundaries in place of what is and isn't acceptable topics of conversation. The weather .....um, nope that's all I have !!
Everything your h is saying screams guilt to me. He wants to see you with someone else because he is trying to convince himself that what he has done/is doing is ok.
I am sorry he talked about other women in front of your d, its so sad when they loose that thoughtfulness, all you can do is reassure your d that you love her and support her through this time. I hope that he does not cause too much damage to their relationship, its hard to come back from as my h is finding out now.
This is only the beginning, he will do more bizarre things, say more rubbish and you will question your sanity many times. Allow it all to slide by, keep going onwards with your life and creating your own future with your d. Hopefully one day he will come out of this and look back with regret for how he acted.
You are doing really well haunted, keep in mind he is not himself, there is nothing you can do for him right now. He needs to go through this and find his own way, just as you need to go through your own process and find your way through -
Hi Haunted, I was sorry to read your post above. That sounds like an awful way to spend an evening - damaging to you and damaging to your D to hear those things.
I have a couple of questions for you. Firstly, boundaries. I find the way your H talks to you incredibly disrespectful and yet I don't see you making a response to protect yourself and your D from his actions. Secondly, can I ask why you choose to continue spending 'family' time with him when he is in this state of mind? Because what he is offering is very much like scraps and you seem to be gladly taking them.
My H asked if we could carry on doing 'family' things with SS when we had S and he was with OW. I told him that I couldn't offer him that whilst he chooses to be in a R with someone else.
It also sounds as though you are having R talks with him, and I wonder if that is a good idea. Going as dark as possible might be a good plan - although this is only possible to an extent if you are co-parenting.
Take care, Sotto xx
I have set boundaries and removed myself from situations when he oversteps them but he doesn't care. I've asked him to not talk about those things in front of her and he does it anyway. his response every time is she's my daughter and I will do what I want.
I went to take my daughter. she begged for him to go and I told her it wasn't a good idea right now. I told him I wasn't going to take her and he could pick her up after. Well he is rebelling against anything that comes out of my mouth it seems. He showed up at our house saying he was going but he would drive. I told him that wasn't the plan we had agreed on. It's frustrating because no matter what I say, he goes against it. I don't know what else to do.
I haven't spoken about the R to him. I told him I didn't want to talk about those things many, many times. He is always bringing these things up. I have told him I don't want to talk about it or hear about it. What is going dark?
Haunted, I'm sorry your time at the fair wasn't the best. I'm going to suggest that when he begins talking about his life, the possible ow, etc., that you either change the subject or walk away. You and your daughter do not need to be subjected to this utter gibberish.
He wants you to be okay and find someone because then it alleviates the guilt he has for doing what he's doing, as well as then it would be okay for him to bring this so called fantasy relationship out in the open.
Walk away, do not sit there and listen to that stuff because all it does is upset and frustrates you and your daughter. There's a time to be a friend and listen and then there are those times when you need to say I've got something else to do or be somewhere else.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Can I ask a question - why did you go to the fair with your h? You know he is trying to push buttons and in crazy mode so why subject yourself to more unnecessarily. Until he learns to treat you with respect and speak civilly to you, then I would avoid social interaction with him. If you must do things together then I would put boundaries in place of what is and isn't acceptable topics of conversation. The weather .....um, nope that's all I have !!
Everything your h is saying screams guilt to me. He wants to see you with someone else because he is trying to convince himself that what he has done/is doing is ok.
I am sorry he talked about other women in front of your d, its so sad when they loose that thoughtfulness, all you can do is reassure your d that you love her and support her through this time. I hope that he does not cause too much damage to their relationship, its hard to come back from as my h is finding out now.
This is only the beginning, he will do more bizarre things, say more rubbish and you will question your sanity many times. Allow it all to slide by, keep going onwards with your life and creating your own future with your d. Hopefully one day he will come out of this and look back with regret for how he acted.
You are doing really well haunted, keep in mind he is not himself, there is nothing you can do for him right now. He needs to go through this and find his own way, just as you need to go through your own process and find your way through -
((hugs)) to you
The plan wasn't for him to go. I told him I was taking her and he could pick her up after that. He showed up at our house unannounced and said he would drive separately.
Most days I don't think I am doing good at all with the situation. He is not respecting me or our daughter. I ask him not to do things and he rebels against it. He sends out pics of our daughter to everyone. I have told him to do that and the reasons why. He says well i can do what I want because she's my daughter. its very frustrating to deal to with. Most days, I don't even want to deal with him because of how he is acting. Detaching is really hard. Even though I am working my way through that, it's rough for sure.
I know i read somewhere about stages of mlc? I really don't even know what stage he could be in at this point.
And boy does he smoke now. he smoked 5 just in the hours we were there. He smokes in the car she has to ride in knowing she has a heart condition. then says well I am not smoking around her. Its been suggested to me to pull visitation but I don't want to do that to her. Any suggestions?
is this still MLC behavior? Some days I just think he is a WAS. The line is so blurred for me most days about him actually even being in a MLC sometimes.
Hi Haunted-I don't know if this is a MLC or WAS situation.
You are receiving some very good advice on boundaries from Sotto, LouR and Job. At first it is hard to grasp their advice, but the more you read the more it clicks.
My H and I continued to do something every weekend with our kids throughout his MLC. At first my H tried to cut me out of the loop. He told me I could go to one of my son's games and he could go to the next one! I said: "no thanks, I want to go to every game but if you want to go to every other one, feel free." I did it with a smile, full PMA.
Try to re-read what Job, Sotto and LouR suggested regarding boundaries for you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Whether he's in MLC or a WAS, you would apply the same strategies. The more you point out the things that you don't want him to do, the more he's going to do them...why because he doesn't want you to tell him what to do. You are acting like his mother and/or authority figure.
Don't argue w/him. Walk away or say something like, "when you calm down, I will be more than happy to discuss the subject w/you and then walk away". He's getting his ego kibbles each and every time you argue w/him and that's just making him one huge happy man because he knows he's getting to you and yes, it justifies even more why he's separated, etc.
Choose your battles. Go back and re-read the detachment thread. Even though you have to interact w/him because of your child, you can still detach from his drama a little at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
MLC or WAS, it does not matter, you are allowing him to run your life, you are allowing him to make choices for YOU. You have the choice to walk away, have the choice to say NO, to not listen and to remove yourself; you don't have to answer the phone, reply to emails or open the door if you dont want to, its your right. You You You. Haunted, you need to dig really deep and find that inner strength to stand up to your h or he will continue to steamroller you and cause you so much pain and hurt. I don't want that for you, I want to see you moving forward with strength and courage, I know you can do this -
You owe it to your d to get control of this. She is relying on you to have her back. Yes he is her d, but you can clearly see that he is not in his right mind and its your job to protect her from his crazy. Boundaries haunted, we as parents set them for our children, bad behaviour results in consequences, this is the same principal, treat h like you have another child to deal with.
I know its scary to say "no I am not going to be treated like this any longer" but believe me, its empowering.
Read up on going dark and no contact - I appreciate you have to have contact regarding your d but the idea is that you do not contact your h for any reason apart from an emergency with your d or if you need to speak about finances or visitation for d and you do not have a mediator to act on your behalf. You don't reply to texts, emails or phone calls immediately, you remove yourself from his life and the situation. It gives you breathing space to regain control over your own life and sets the boundary that you will no longer be at his beck and call. Any contact you do have keep short and on point. He will try everything he can to break you, he wants to be in control, this is where you have to stand strong and tell yourself that he no longer has any power over you.
Keep going haunted, its a minefield that you are wandering around, you are finding your way through it really well. I know you can do this, have faith in the process.
Haunted, you are getting great advice here. We all know you love your H, you want him and your marriage, so to detach is very hard. Trust me, we have all been there. Thing is, your H is not your normal H right now. I assume this is not his normal behavior, right? We have described it as an alien taking over, our spouses become completely different people.
That is why, during this time, it's important to remember to set boundaries and protect yourself. I see your dilemma with the fair, but overall, what a disaster for you and your daughter. Next time, how can you handle that differently? It is hard to detach while co-parenting, I live that world. Dig deep, this is about you and D now. We all got that mama bear, time to bring her out. Demand the respect you both deserve, nothing less.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Hi Haunted, I'm pleased to read that so many others have chimed in with some good advice for you. I think this all comes down to reclaiming your personal power in this situation. It reads as though you have given too much power over your life to H. But actually he is someone else's boyfriend right now - not your H - so why would he get to still be driving the bus?
I truly hope that you manage to stand up for your own and your D's best interests here and minimise further damage to yourselves. It is within your gift to do this....and good luck my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Tonight was a nightmare. My husband and my mil came to my son's game. Me and my daughter were sitting down and they came and sat in front of us. Natalia was wanting something to eat, so we went and got something. Well my aunt got to the game as we were walking to the bleachers so we went to sit with her. I really don't like being around his mom. Well I think they tried getting my daughter's attention to get her over there with them. She didn't go. Right before half time, they get up to leave. They looked really mad. Me and tally went to the bathroom. His mom stopped me and said we're leaving because of how you acted. none of yall talked to us. You kept natalia from coming to see us. she acted like she was scared to. I just walked away. I saw my husband and he was pissed and said we are leaving. I didn't respond. They get to the gate, his mom starts saying your son is just as sorry as you are. He is just like you. he wouldnt even look at us. I am not sure if they were yelling for him or what but he was on the field and they can't look into the crowd. She then proceeds to call me a bitch. I said look this is not about any of us but about zach. She kept yelling stuff. I just blocked her out. She then points her finger at me like it was a gun.
We go sit back down and I get a text from her. She said don't ever talk to me again. I am sending this phone back Wed. The phones are in my name. I didn't respond. I get another text saying you will never change and no one will ever love you. ur making ur kid just like u and dont even think about keeping tally from us. It was so embarrassing. my husband didn't say anything. He just stood there and stared. This is why I don't like being around this woman. It's always drama and she tries to control everything. My husband did look absolutely miserable tonight. I don't know whats going on with him but he looks miserable.
Wow Haunted, that sounds like a nightmare. It sounds like you handled it well. You really have your hands full with that MIL...makes my annoying one look like a saint...
I say keep ignoring her as you are. She will get bored of her drama with no reaction. Stay clear of her and stay on the high road. Continue to handle yourself with class and dignity.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I'm sorry your MIL was a PIA. Ignore her. Sooner or later when she realizes that she's not getting the reaction she wants, she'll stop this childish behavior. She's got some serious issues and you do not need to be subjected to them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well new one today. My husband is in a confirmed relationship with another woman on facebook. Apparently they have never met and they are both saying they love each other so much. He wants to move her down here in a month or two. I am not sure what happened to the woman he was talking to the other day. Seems like he is cycling fast through women.
I can't see any of this because he is gone from my facebook but of course someone just has to tell me if i know her. She lives 2 1/2 hours from him.
I told everyone again today that I dont want to know because it hurts too bad and they need to respect that.
Sounds like a confirmed emotional relationship. If they meet, who knows...they may not like each other...but that's on them.
When your friends start to tell you this stuff, cut them off nicely, change the subject or walk away. They'll then get the message that you don't want to hear it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Someone told me earlier that they think my husband is in replay. So I have heard this is the longest of the stages just by research. Does anyone have any links to any in depth articles on the replay stage?
Hi Haunted, I am sorry to read about your MIL, that women sounds like she has serious issues herself. You did well to keep your cool.
I am not able to give you any insight into replay, I did not care what stage my h was in, it didn't matter as it takes as long as it takes; there is no set time frame for a MLC unfortunately. I got on with my life and let him get on with his. Not much use to you, I am sorry. The vets are better at answering this kind of question.
Anyway, just wanted to say, keep moving onwards, you're doing great.
Haunted, Replay can be one of the longest, but it depends upon the individual and their issues that have been haunting them for years and years. They are the only ones that can move themselves through the stages.
Replay is the "one more time" or "I have to go back and experience what I thought I was missing". It's the stage whereby they begin to dress differently, drink/eat food that they didn't before, the music taste changes, they change their looks, i.e., short hair becomes long, long hair becomes short, they may dye their hair or try different styles, body piercings, tattoos, manscaping, become interest in different sexual acivities (pegging and experimenting that could lead to different sexual partners or same sex partners), spending money, etc. Some also become workaholics or spots fanatics, exercising junkies, as well. Some may have another person in the mix and then there are those who travel the crisis w/o another woman/man. Again, it's very individualized, but w/some similarities in what they do.
The list can go on and on because each person is unique, just as their personalities are. As they go thru replay, the deep, dark depression and withdrawal begin. Keep in mind the crisis is not linear and they can bounce around from anger to withdrawal throughout the crisis. Acceptance is the only one that they will eventually settle down and begin to come out of the crisis, if they resolve their issues. If they don't, they could very well remain stuck for a long time and grow to be old, bitter people looking like teenyboppers.
I suggest you do a search on MLC and then replay and see what you come up with.
Haunted, I also want to point out that replay is the stage whereby they do everything in their power to avoid looking at their issues. This is the stage that I call "find my happiness pill".
Again, as I pointed out, this stage can be the longest or the shortest, depending upon the individual. Some have put a time on the process, but it's best to not put time limits on stages as it is only a guideline and you can't go by the time limit.
Here's a thread that I created many years ago while witnessing a man going thru MLC that was not my husband:
Thanks off to read and willl continue with my research.
He did send a text today telling me he would be getting a new phone this weekend and sending his back to me. The phones are under my name. I had him and his mom on my account. He ran up our data of $195 overage charges and refuses to pay it plus his bill amount. His mom won't pay anything either and bought her a new phone last weekend. So this just screws me over. Phones will be cut off because I cant afford to pay everyone else's part. It makes me so mad knowing they are doing this.
He has a meeting with the child support worker Thursday. He told her it would be best if we did t separately instead of being there together. I'll have to come in and look at the numbers sometime next week if he agrees once she runs them. I think he is really pissed about it. He wouldn't even come to his stepsons football game. But I'm glad because I didn't have to deal with anything like last week.
He was extremely hateful to me when he called today. This is the first time we have talked in over a week. I don't count him sending that text a few days ago. Uns we responded to him then. He really wanted to communicate only by text but he called anyway. Then he hung up on me. This is worse than after he first left. He picked up our daughter from. My moms tonight and she said he was in such a rush to leave. I don't even know why he's acting that way around my mom.
Hi Haunted, I'm sorry to hear about your call with your H. From what you post recently, it doesn't sound as though he is going to behave nicely either now or in the near future. Yes, you have a daughter together and will need to link somehow in respect of her. However, for anything else - finances, joint arrangements etc - I would aim for them to be separated and for you to have full responsibility for your own stuff.
Equally, I would try and keep any communications to a bare minimum - but from your end be pleasant - brief and pleasant. If he is unpleasant by phone and hangs up, I would minimise phone contact and if he calls you, perhaps just text him back instead. It sounds as though he enjoys causing you some upset at the moment, and if you reclaim your personal power, it may take the wind out of his sails.
I hope things improve for you soon and take care xx
Last edited by Sotto; 10/03/1507:16 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am sorry to read your post, I know its hard not to take these hits personally, try hard to detach from the spew and hurtful things your h is doing, they are coming from the MLC monster within right now.
Your m is your side of the family, his guilt at what he has done to you and your d could be a reason he can't face her. Dismiss it and try not to analyze everything he does or does not do, it will drive you crazy trying to figure it out and to be honest it is a waste of your precious energy that could be better spent of looking after yourself.
The more you detach and allow his antics to wash over you the less you will be affected by what he is doing/saying.
Is there any possibility of calling the phone company and explaining the situation, they may be understanding and help you out, separating your phone out from the others and sorting out a better payment plan for you.
Haunted you are doing great, I really hope that you get a break in this crazy ride you are on soon. Hang on in there and look after yourself x
I just got an out of the blue text from his mom asking if I wanted to go play bingo Sunday night. She said something told her to try and be friends again. I am a little skeptical about the whole thing. She hasn't really talked to me since that night at the game.
My husband has his moments of speaking to me every once in awhile. He has texted me a few times over the past couple days. He wants us to go with him to his dads grave site this weekend. Honestly it all just makes me scratch my head lol
Personally I would make a polite excuse (so not to lower yourself to MIL level) and keep your space from MIL. You have no idea of her agenda and right now you are not in a strong enough place within yourself to deal with her.
She could be genuine, but I doubt it after her outburst at the game. I would be looking for a serious apology for her behavior before I have anything to do with her again. It does not sound like she has even acknowledged it.
Question - do you want to go to h dads graveside this weekend? If the answer is yes, then go. If the answer is no, then say "thank you for asking but on this occasion I don't wish to attend". You owe your h nothing, he needs to know that he does not have you on tap to his convenience.
Please look after yourself and start putting yourself first, your h will just use you and abuse you if you don't.
I just got an out of the blue text from his mom asking if I wanted to go play bingo Sunday night. She said something told her to try and be friends again. I am a little skeptical about the whole thing. She hasn't really talked to me since that night at the game.
My husband has his moments of speaking to me every once in awhile. He has texted me a few times over the past couple days. He wants us to go with him to his dads grave site this weekend. Honestly it all just makes me scratch my head lol
I was kind of wondering if this wasn't a prelude to them trying to butter you up for the divorce process.
No need to be buddies with MIL if she's not someone you enjoy spending time with. No need to go to gravesite with H unless YOU want to. Let him start to experience what life without you will be like.
Lou and kml both have given you great advice. I would be civil to the MIL, but I would put some distance between you and her. You don't know what she's up to and it sounds like she was playing nice to soften you up for the divorce process.
As for going to the gravesite...I wouldn't do it. You don't know how your h is going to behave around you and you don't want to be ambushed by them. If he's seeing and attorney and wants a divorce, then what's the point of you visiting the gravesite at this time? You can go to visit on your own when you want to.
Sometimes, we have to step back and protect ourselves from further hurt and I think this is one of those times. Be polite when declining the offer...but it's time your h come to realize what life will be like w/o you being there for him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've been doing really good lately. I am so busy with the new job and taking care of myself and my children. I haven't snooped on anything of his. I am so proud of myself for doing that.
My cousin is going through a divorce. I haven't really talked to his wife in months. She messaged me today because my husband messaged her. She sent screen shots before i even had a chance of knowing what they were. I did ask her to no longer do that as I didn't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying anymore.
I will say this is what he told her, that he is getting a divorce. We are definitely not getting back together. He said He hasn't been really happy with me, he is happier since being back home. He told her he couldn't lie but he doesnt love me anymore and is not in love with me either. He is just ready to move on.
basically same thing I've been hearing for months.
I will say it actually feels good not worrying about what he is doing anymore. I feel more at peace. I can't control what he does so why waste my time worrying anymore? It only gets me down. I am living my life and no one will steal my joy
Lou and kml both have given you great advice. I would be civil to the MIL, but I would put some distance between you and her. You don't know what she's up to and it sounds like she was playing nice to soften you up for the divorce process.
As for going to the gravesite...I wouldn't do it. You don't know how your h is going to behave around you and you don't want to be ambushed by them. If he's seeing and attorney and wants a divorce, then what's the point of you visiting the gravesite at this time? You can go to visit on your own when you want to.
Sometimes, we have to step back and protect ourselves from further hurt and I think this is one of those times. Be polite when declining the offer...but it's time your h come to realize what life will be like w/o you being there for him.
We didn't go. I actually never heard back from him since he said anything about it. I think I will take my daughter sometime in the next few weeks.
I've also come to realize he lies so much. He tells me things I guess to pacify me? or at least that is what he thinks he is doing when he says things.
Good for you haunted :o) so pleased to hear you made a decision based on what YOU wanted.
I am sorry to read about the d, its sad that some mlc'ers feel closing the door on their old life is the answer. It does come across that h and mil are trying to feel you out, play nice and hope that you will roll over - this is where you need to summon your strength and make sure that does not happen. I do hope that they don't play nasty, but sounds like that is most likely after your description of MIL at the game.
haunted, you are doing fantastic, you sound much calmer and see the value of having space from your h right now. Stay strong my friend, you have everyone here behind you ((hugs))
He brought our daughter by my work today after he picked her up for his weekend. He was absolutely hateful tonight. He told me this cuts into his time and this is his weekend. He wont even let her call me because its his weekend. Anything I said to him, he would reply back with such rude responses.
Man a lot has happened since I posted. He now has a new girlfriend of 2 weeks and they are trying to start a family.
We had our child support hearing. He came in and sat on the same bench as me but kept a distance from me. I said hey to him and he rolled his eyes at me. He did talk to me some in the court room. He said that the reason he left me is because of my smart mouth. He is angry and hurt by my mouth. He can't forgive me for it right now.
We had a little break in between. We were sitting outside and he said that I hurt him many times with my mouth. He said he knew he hurt me too and feels bad for all the things he has done. He said he didn't want to see me anytime soon and would rather just do exchanges with my mom. Say what??
After court was over, we walked out together. I went to the elevator, he was headed down the stairs. He said why don't you just walk down the stairs? It will be much faster. So i just walked down with him. We get outside and he shows me his new car and then asks if I want to see it. I look at it. He asked me did I like it. I said yeah, it's nice.
My mom, grandmother and I go eat. My mom calls to ask him if he wants to go eat. He really didn't want to but he did. My mom was paying and he told her we were not getting back together but he was going to start being nicer to me because I am the mother of his child.
I was going to check my daughter out of school, so he allowed me to ride with him to go check her out lol. He was kinda quiet in the car. He did tell me that he didn't hate me, he just hated my smart mouth. He said I know I wasn't a good husband.
He did give me a hug and a kiss on the check before he left.
This is why I just want to stay away for awhile because of all the wishy washy ways.
I'm sorry. Any old excuse will do for your h as to why he left you.
So, he wants to keep some distance from you and yet, he asks you about walking down the stairs, pointed out his new car, had lunch w/you and your family and yes, even taking you to the school...doesn't sound like distance to me...his words don't match his actions.
I would respect his decision about the distance issue and go as dim as you can w/him. He still doesn't appear to know what he wants in the way of communicating w/you.
Try to keep the focus on you and your child as much as possible. The holidays are fast approaching and your attention will need to be on her and making new traditions for the holidays for the both of you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He now has a new girlfriend of 2 weeks and they are trying to start a family.
Ummmmm....this says it all right there, doesn't it? Does that sound like a SANE ADULT to you???? Thought not.
And given that level of insanity - take everything that comes out of his mouth with a grain of salt. Pretty sure he didn't dump you and become insane because you had a smart mouth (IF you even do - do you?).
He's pissed at me because I wouldn't let our daughter go with his this weekend. He even tried lying and saying his girlfriend went home this morning.
Anyway he texted me and said he was pissed at me, but what would it matter and something about I wouldn't care either way. I said we need to be civil. Then he sends this text lol
Being civil has nothing to do with flirting heather. I don't now nor will I ever want to be with you again.
If you are asking what is going on...here's my take:
Civil to him is letting him have his way about everything. He's angry that he didn't get his way. He may also be trying to remind you that your "mouth" tends to say things that he doesn't like or want to hear. They tend to bring up stuff that's happened in the past and will not let you forget the wrongs you've done them (or so they think).
My advice, don't respond back. He's angry and he wants to get you riled up enough for you to come back at him. Step away and let him simmer in his pot of juices today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So, now I have heard, he only married me because I was pregnant. he never loved me. He hasn't been happy with me in years and he should have never came back in 2012. He said hes been depressed since he came back. He only stayed with me over the years for the kids.
Oh and him and his girlfriend are living a life of bliss. She even moved in with him after 2 weeks.
Hi Haunted, I'm sorry to hear all of that. It sounds as though history has been rewritten, which is what normally happens. I know the 'we 'had to' marry and shouldn't have done' is a common script theme too. And of course to say there was never any love...
Please try not to take all of this to heart. Of course there has been and is love. You have married and borne children together, shared a history with all the highs and lows that brings. For him, all of this is buried right now and he may not acknowledge his true feelings for some time.
He is feeling 'blissed out' about life with OW - so his heart is turned away from the M right now. But his R with her is a house of cards. Please know that. Healthy people don't move in with married SO's after two weeks and live a life of 'lasting' bliss. The bubble will burst & the boat will sink - and none of that needs any help from you. As I read recently....The Titanic needed no assistance. What is happening is unsustainable in the longer term with he and her.
So, know all of this. OW is beneath your notice. Please take due steps to protect you and yours. Leave him to it and move forward yourself, putting your own house in order. Things will unfold in time, but remove yourself from any kind of triangular dynamic - he is living his life and you yours for now..
Take care x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
When it comes to telling you that your m was a mistake, never loved you etc, it really is script stuff, I heard it too, generally they can't recall saying it and certainly they don't mean it - how could they have lived a miserable existence for so many years and not do anything about it or no one else see it. Its total MLC tosh, so please don't take it to heart.
As for his new found "love" - an avoidance tactic, he doesn't want to deal with what is going on internally, she is a distraction, it wont last, how can it. A relationship built on lies; he is trying to be someone he isn't and that will catch up with him. I know its hard, but try not to give her any head space, she is not worth your emotions, she has got herself involved with a guy in crisis, you have this information, she doesn't, she will find out soon enough.
What your h is telling you is script. We all have heard something very similar. They truly do not mean it, nor will they remember a lot of what they've said while on their journey. It's depression speaking.
The ow is a distraction or as we say here...a band aid. Nothing more. She's nothing special and if she hadn't been around, he would have chosen someone else. It's all an avoidance tactic not to have to look within and figure things out for himself. Some gamble, do drugs, drink, become workaholics, etc.
I agree w/Lou...stay strong and do not allow what he says to bring you down.
Also, you need to start a new thread. You now have 103 postings.
Hi haunted - it really is script. It is like they have to convince themselves that what they are doing is justified. My H has recently said a similar thing to his father and one of our sons. That "we never should have been together" this after 33 years. The more I read about MLC the more I am amazed at how they all say the same things.
Since moving her in with him, after only 2 weeks, he has cut all contact with us. He got a new phone and changed his number. I guess he got mad because I refused to let our daughter go up there because she moved in. He didnt even know much about her and moved her right on in.
So now he has the younger woman, a sports car, has been dressing kinda youngish, and no telling what else goes on.
It's typical of a person in crisis to change their phone number. Many of them do not know their new partners in crime very well and just move right in or have them move in w/them. People in crisis can't live alone. They need a constant distraction so that they don't have to think about what they've done or are doing.
Sounds like he's getting ready to take off on the Mother Ship of MLC full blown. I'm so sorry that you have to discover the move.
Now, it's time for you to start a new thread. You have 106 postings/replies.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
