Hi Haunted, I was sorry to read your post above. That sounds like an awful way to spend an evening - damaging to you and damaging to your D to hear those things.
I have a couple of questions for you. Firstly, boundaries. I find the way your H talks to you incredibly disrespectful and yet I don't see you making a response to protect yourself and your D from his actions. Secondly, can I ask why you choose to continue spending 'family' time with him when he is in this state of mind? Because what he is offering is very much like scraps and you seem to be gladly taking them.
My H asked if we could carry on doing 'family' things with SS when we had S and he was with OW. I told him that I couldn't offer him that whilst he chooses to be in a R with someone else.
It also sounds as though you are having R talks with him, and I wonder if that is a good idea. Going as dark as possible might be a good plan - although this is only possible to an extent if you are co-parenting.
Take care, Sotto xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Can I ask a question - why did you go to the fair with your h? You know he is trying to push buttons and in crazy mode so why subject yourself to more unnecessarily. Until he learns to treat you with respect and speak civilly to you, then I would avoid social interaction with him. If you must do things together then I would put boundaries in place of what is and isn't acceptable topics of conversation. The weather .....um, nope that's all I have !!
Everything your h is saying screams guilt to me. He wants to see you with someone else because he is trying to convince himself that what he has done/is doing is ok.
I am sorry he talked about other women in front of your d, its so sad when they loose that thoughtfulness, all you can do is reassure your d that you love her and support her through this time. I hope that he does not cause too much damage to their relationship, its hard to come back from as my h is finding out now.
This is only the beginning, he will do more bizarre things, say more rubbish and you will question your sanity many times. Allow it all to slide by, keep going onwards with your life and creating your own future with your d. Hopefully one day he will come out of this and look back with regret for how he acted.
You are doing really well haunted, keep in mind he is not himself, there is nothing you can do for him right now. He needs to go through this and find his own way, just as you need to go through your own process and find your way through -
Hi Haunted, I was sorry to read your post above. That sounds like an awful way to spend an evening - damaging to you and damaging to your D to hear those things.
I have a couple of questions for you. Firstly, boundaries. I find the way your H talks to you incredibly disrespectful and yet I don't see you making a response to protect yourself and your D from his actions. Secondly, can I ask why you choose to continue spending 'family' time with him when he is in this state of mind? Because what he is offering is very much like scraps and you seem to be gladly taking them.
My H asked if we could carry on doing 'family' things with SS when we had S and he was with OW. I told him that I couldn't offer him that whilst he chooses to be in a R with someone else.
It also sounds as though you are having R talks with him, and I wonder if that is a good idea. Going as dark as possible might be a good plan - although this is only possible to an extent if you are co-parenting.
Take care, Sotto xx
I have set boundaries and removed myself from situations when he oversteps them but he doesn't care. I've asked him to not talk about those things in front of her and he does it anyway. his response every time is she's my daughter and I will do what I want.
I went to take my daughter. she begged for him to go and I told her it wasn't a good idea right now. I told him I wasn't going to take her and he could pick her up after. Well he is rebelling against anything that comes out of my mouth it seems. He showed up at our house saying he was going but he would drive. I told him that wasn't the plan we had agreed on. It's frustrating because no matter what I say, he goes against it. I don't know what else to do.
I haven't spoken about the R to him. I told him I didn't want to talk about those things many, many times. He is always bringing these things up. I have told him I don't want to talk about it or hear about it. What is going dark?
Haunted, I'm sorry your time at the fair wasn't the best. I'm going to suggest that when he begins talking about his life, the possible ow, etc., that you either change the subject or walk away. You and your daughter do not need to be subjected to this utter gibberish.
He wants you to be okay and find someone because then it alleviates the guilt he has for doing what he's doing, as well as then it would be okay for him to bring this so called fantasy relationship out in the open.
Walk away, do not sit there and listen to that stuff because all it does is upset and frustrates you and your daughter. There's a time to be a friend and listen and then there are those times when you need to say I've got something else to do or be somewhere else.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Can I ask a question - why did you go to the fair with your h? You know he is trying to push buttons and in crazy mode so why subject yourself to more unnecessarily. Until he learns to treat you with respect and speak civilly to you, then I would avoid social interaction with him. If you must do things together then I would put boundaries in place of what is and isn't acceptable topics of conversation. The weather .....um, nope that's all I have !!
Everything your h is saying screams guilt to me. He wants to see you with someone else because he is trying to convince himself that what he has done/is doing is ok.
I am sorry he talked about other women in front of your d, its so sad when they loose that thoughtfulness, all you can do is reassure your d that you love her and support her through this time. I hope that he does not cause too much damage to their relationship, its hard to come back from as my h is finding out now.
This is only the beginning, he will do more bizarre things, say more rubbish and you will question your sanity many times. Allow it all to slide by, keep going onwards with your life and creating your own future with your d. Hopefully one day he will come out of this and look back with regret for how he acted.
You are doing really well haunted, keep in mind he is not himself, there is nothing you can do for him right now. He needs to go through this and find his own way, just as you need to go through your own process and find your way through -
((hugs)) to you
The plan wasn't for him to go. I told him I was taking her and he could pick her up after that. He showed up at our house unannounced and said he would drive separately.
Most days I don't think I am doing good at all with the situation. He is not respecting me or our daughter. I ask him not to do things and he rebels against it. He sends out pics of our daughter to everyone. I have told him to do that and the reasons why. He says well i can do what I want because she's my daughter. its very frustrating to deal to with. Most days, I don't even want to deal with him because of how he is acting. Detaching is really hard. Even though I am working my way through that, it's rough for sure.
I know i read somewhere about stages of mlc? I really don't even know what stage he could be in at this point.
And boy does he smoke now. he smoked 5 just in the hours we were there. He smokes in the car she has to ride in knowing she has a heart condition. then says well I am not smoking around her. Its been suggested to me to pull visitation but I don't want to do that to her. Any suggestions?
is this still MLC behavior? Some days I just think he is a WAS. The line is so blurred for me most days about him actually even being in a MLC sometimes.
Hi Haunted-I don't know if this is a MLC or WAS situation.
You are receiving some very good advice on boundaries from Sotto, LouR and Job. At first it is hard to grasp their advice, but the more you read the more it clicks.
My H and I continued to do something every weekend with our kids throughout his MLC. At first my H tried to cut me out of the loop. He told me I could go to one of my son's games and he could go to the next one! I said: "no thanks, I want to go to every game but if you want to go to every other one, feel free." I did it with a smile, full PMA.
Try to re-read what Job, Sotto and LouR suggested regarding boundaries for you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Whether he's in MLC or a WAS, you would apply the same strategies. The more you point out the things that you don't want him to do, the more he's going to do them...why because he doesn't want you to tell him what to do. You are acting like his mother and/or authority figure.
Don't argue w/him. Walk away or say something like, "when you calm down, I will be more than happy to discuss the subject w/you and then walk away". He's getting his ego kibbles each and every time you argue w/him and that's just making him one huge happy man because he knows he's getting to you and yes, it justifies even more why he's separated, etc.
Choose your battles. Go back and re-read the detachment thread. Even though you have to interact w/him because of your child, you can still detach from his drama a little at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
MLC or WAS, it does not matter, you are allowing him to run your life, you are allowing him to make choices for YOU. You have the choice to walk away, have the choice to say NO, to not listen and to remove yourself; you don't have to answer the phone, reply to emails or open the door if you dont want to, its your right. You You You. Haunted, you need to dig really deep and find that inner strength to stand up to your h or he will continue to steamroller you and cause you so much pain and hurt. I don't want that for you, I want to see you moving forward with strength and courage, I know you can do this -
You owe it to your d to get control of this. She is relying on you to have her back. Yes he is her d, but you can clearly see that he is not in his right mind and its your job to protect her from his crazy. Boundaries haunted, we as parents set them for our children, bad behaviour results in consequences, this is the same principal, treat h like you have another child to deal with.
I know its scary to say "no I am not going to be treated like this any longer" but believe me, its empowering.
Read up on going dark and no contact - I appreciate you have to have contact regarding your d but the idea is that you do not contact your h for any reason apart from an emergency with your d or if you need to speak about finances or visitation for d and you do not have a mediator to act on your behalf. You don't reply to texts, emails or phone calls immediately, you remove yourself from his life and the situation. It gives you breathing space to regain control over your own life and sets the boundary that you will no longer be at his beck and call. Any contact you do have keep short and on point. He will try everything he can to break you, he wants to be in control, this is where you have to stand strong and tell yourself that he no longer has any power over you.
Keep going haunted, its a minefield that you are wandering around, you are finding your way through it really well. I know you can do this, have faith in the process.
Haunted, you are getting great advice here. We all know you love your H, you want him and your marriage, so to detach is very hard. Trust me, we have all been there. Thing is, your H is not your normal H right now. I assume this is not his normal behavior, right? We have described it as an alien taking over, our spouses become completely different people.
That is why, during this time, it's important to remember to set boundaries and protect yourself. I see your dilemma with the fair, but overall, what a disaster for you and your daughter. Next time, how can you handle that differently? It is hard to detach while co-parenting, I live that world. Dig deep, this is about you and D now. We all got that mama bear, time to bring her out. Demand the respect you both deserve, nothing less.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
