Well, I took some time over the past month to take a break from the forums, do some reading, some intense IC, start on some medication (the jury is still out on if I need this or not, but I'm giving it a try).
Overall, I'm doing very well. There are ups and downs, but the lows aren't near what they were even a month ago. I can't imagine going back to how I felt...curled up in a ball, sick to my stomach all the time, crying at random times, sitting in my car at work just to get away and sulk...it's all just very even keel right now.
I've reached a point where I'm ok with just about any outcome. My W and I are talking pretty deeply about feelings, etc. I'm struggling with empathy and validation. I've read the "cheat sheets", books, and watched some YouTube videos on the subject. I just am not getting it right. W needs to be able to talk to me, but I always seem to "make it all about me" without meaning to. I feel the need to explain myself and my actions. I have to learn to listen to her without needing to interject.
W has agreed to MC, which we will start next Monday. I'm both nervous and hopeful. Who knows what we will discover. I have a feeling we both are afraid we'll find out our communication deficiency is too great to continue.
Some things W has said...
She's happier alone in the house and spending alone time with D2.
She's not sure we're compatible.
She's not sure that she can trust me with finances, nor get over not being able to be a stay at home mom.
She's hurt that I don't listen to her.
MY problem is this...I've been doing some serious soul searching and INTENSE counseling, which has helped me move on. I want to focus on the future, show her my changes, and get things moving forward. She needs to talk about the past. It's her way of healing and she says that we need to talk more about it. We tried on Saturday, and I ended up breaking down in tears for the first time in a long time. It's so tough to talk about the past because I feel as though I've healed from it. It's obvious she hasn't and I completely understand her need to talk about it.
The problem is I apparently SUCK at validation and empathy, so it makes it look like this is all about me, and I'm not listening to her.
Any thoughts are appreciated. Hope everyone is doing well. Have a great day.
Baby steps, as long as you acknowledge where you need to work on, keep working on it, before you know it, you will be the master at validating her and empathizing with her.
I think you are doing great, keep reading, keep trying!
I also think its great you both are doing counseling together, a lot of us wish we could do that with out WAS, so consider that a blessing.
Ralphy, I haven't been keeping up with your sitch. But I am going to comment anyway. Maybe you suck at validation and empathy. Or maybe you don't and she is just not hearing it from you. I say this because I keep beating myself up for my "shortcomings", but at the same time I know that if my H was being honest, its not me, its him. Keep working at it and don't be too hard on yourself.
Overall, I'm doing very well. There are ups and downs, but the lows aren't near what they were even a month ago. I can't imagine going back to how I felt...curled up in a ball, sick to my stomach all the time, crying at random times, sitting in my car at work just to get away and sulk...it's all just very even keel right now.
Looking at your first thread, BD was in April of this year? So you're 4 months post-BD? If so then you're doing well because believe it or not you are still quite early in your sitch. Keep at it!
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I'm struggling with empathy and validation. I've read the "cheat sheets", books, and watched some YouTube videos on the subject. I just am not getting it right.
It might help to post a sample exchange here so we can critique it. If you show us exactly what she is saying and how your are responding we can help you a lot more then if we don't know. Eventually after you're read enough and received enough input you will hear one of us sitting on your shoulder and whispering in your ear every time your W says something that requires validation, LOL!
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W has agreed to MC, which we will start next Monday. I'm both nervous and hopeful.
It's too early in your sitch for MC. She's going to use it to justify her actions. My ex and I went to MC too early, she sat with her arms crossed for two sessions, then at one point the MC said "well it sounds like a trial separation is the best course of action" and suddenly my ex thought MC was the greatest idea ever. "Yes, that's exactly what we need!!" It was perfect because the COUNSELOR suggested it, so it must be a good idea! This is what happens when you go too early. MC shouldn't be pursued for at least a year post-BD. I'm not saying not to go, but drop all your expectations. And if your W says she doesn't want to go anymore, then tell her that's fine and quit going. Your money would be WAY better spent with a DB counselor.
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She's happier alone in the house and spending alone time with D2.
She's not sure we're compatible.
She's not sure that she can trust me with finances, nor get over not being able to be a stay at home mom.
Read Sandi's rules every day. Don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. Why? Because she's speaking from a place of turmoil and confusion right now. A lot of what she says will make no sense at all, just roll with it.
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She's hurt that I don't listen to her.
Work on that validation
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I want to focus on the future, show her my changes, and get things moving forward. She needs to talk about the past. It's her way of healing and she says that we need to talk more about it.
Unfortunately your needs don't matter to her right now. Set them aside. Focus on her needs. If she needs to talk then let her talk. But remember Sandi's rules. And remember to validate. The beauty of validation is that you don't need to agree/ disagree with anything she says, all you're doing is acknowledging her FEELINGS.
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It's so tough to talk about the past because I feel as though I've healed from it.
If you had healed from it then you wouldn't have cried. Crying is good and healthy, but try not to cry in front of her.
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The problem is I apparently SUCK at validation and empathy, so it makes it look like this is all about me, and I'm not listening to her.
The fact that you understand the dynamic means you are well-equipped to change the dynamic. Practice, practice, practice. Be patient with yourself None of us became an expert validator overnight. I've been validating my ex and now my GF and even my kids for years and I still slip up more than I would like. Validation is not easy for us dudes!
First night of MC. Fingers crossed, toes crossed, eyes crossed that this goes well. No expectations. I plan to STFU, speak when spoken to, and be totally open and honest.
I want this to work more than anything in the world. This next hour will be make or break time.
Asking for prayers from my forum family. For strength, and for open-mindedness and comfort for my wife and me. I love her dearly, and I can't wait to hear what she has to say.
Ralphy, your MC is something that You feel like you need then by all means. Like the others have said, lower those expectations.
Use this as a great opportunity to learn to VALIDATE. Now a good councilor will do just that to both of you. You can use that experience to see how someone trained in validation actually does it. You also get to see how someone who is Completely detached from your marital issues responds to your wife, and to you. It wasn't until I read the validation pages so many times, did I realize that is what the councilors are doing half the time...just listening and saying 'that must be hard', etc.
You are learning to be a great listener...definitely something you will use in interactions your whole life. so no matter what, you will get something out of these sessions, even if it is not what you are expecting
