H has started an affair

[Starsky309]

Great post, Sotto!





Starsky

[25yearsmlc]

It will be a slow progress, but I keep telling myself this will be for my own good no matter what...

It's imperative. I've never seen anyone successfully affair-bust or Divorce-bust without a really good GAL plan. It builds your own self-confidence, and it re-attracts your spouse, and it has the side benefit that if your spouse DOESN'T come to their senses, you're then all that much more emotionally and physically healthy for the next guy!


Starsky

I cannot stress this^^ (GAL) enough. There is one reason we hammer it so much

IT WORKS.

You will be happier, which you deserve to be -- and it makes you more attractive than you may realize, yet "getting him back" cannot be the "focus" of GAL.

(Your happiness and growth are the focus).

There is no situation here, that GAL does not help, regardless of ultimate outcome


but GAL does increase the chances of a good outcome!


For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter.

(FYI I had 3 kids, including a baby then. I'm sorry but I don't want to hear about how you are 'too busy' to GAL....if you really take in what we are saying you will realize you cannot be too busy to LIVE WELL...which is the essence of GAL.

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Fear & complacency play a role in that too. ALL those factors probably helped get you here, so when you overcome these factors, you are essentially countering the negative images he has of you


with positives and "New data". You want to counter those negatives that he uses to justify his confusion or desire for OW,


with the new improved you.

= His data about you is either inaccurate and or Out of date.

Overcome the inertia/fears, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your h...

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast often, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, & I became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding it.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

Went skydiving. Loved it so much I did it again. And plan on doing it again, soon!

I Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent physical shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs. Some gyms have cheap/free daycare on site.

(Since I'd just had our last child, I needed to lose the baby weight. It was NOT easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of their LONG winters).

I Saw a therapist and for some months, I went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I really liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty and ignoring them.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women there, who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, and I'm sure wherever you live, it can't be as remote as the middle of Alaska was...

Remember that while there are

No guarantees your WAS will suddenly awaken and return, fully committed,

there is one guarantee in this ordeal of ours. IF WE WORK ON OURSELVES< WE BECOME BETTER, HAPPIER, MORE LOVING PEOPLE...

and sometimes that has to be enough.

The paradox of all this is that we start doing all this "self improvment/growth" stuff because we fear losing our marriage.

But we eventually do it b/c we realize we were losing ourselves and so no matter what, we get ourselves back.

Sometimes that means the WAS sees the person he/she fell in love with originally and things work out well...and sometimes that doesn't happen.

But regardless of what they do or how they react, WE are better for it.

So your task now is to Ask yourself what you can:

JOIN or

STUDY or

VISIT or

EXPLORE or

VOLUNTEER FOR or

AUDITION FOR or

TEACH or

COACH or CREATE --

this month... And keep us posted!

GOOD LUCK!

******

[overcom]

Wow I'm so impressed and so inspired. I will use your advice too. Thank you

[Anna25]

OK,so update from this weekend...

H came home an hour late from he said he would on Saturday. I was going to leave without him, but D3 cried she wanted us all to go together, so I waited.
The drive up there was awkward, and I noticed him texting OW every chance he got, so I told him when he texts in front of/around me or kids, I feel its very disrespectful to us. I texted him that when he went to the restroom because kids were around. After that, he didn't make it so obvious.

As the time went on, H seemed a little relaxed. He suggested to dress up for dinner and we all went together. After kids went to sleep, we were having some drinks and he was making advances. I told him I can not be his wife until he ends it. He hasn't tried since then. He apologized saying he doesn't know why he did it.

At the wedding, H was still a little distant, but I tried to have a good time with kids and other family members. I danced and kids ran around, overall it was fun.
Every time H introduced me as his wife to his family and friends I met for the first time, my heart sank though. Nobody knows but us what's going on. No one had a clue this happy little family is breaking.

Towards the end of the night, he got antsy and he wanted to leave. After he sat with me with drinks for a while, he said he is going to "take a walk" and left. to talk to OW. I felt just so devastated.

The following morning, H didn't even want to come to breakfast with me and kids. He just wanted to go home. Even though he was not mean or anything, he was very distant.
As soon as we got home, he said he will take off and left. I just felt like doing nothing, I didn't know how I could carry on like this.
Just an hour later, H texted me. He apologized he ran away. He didn't realize how rude of him to ruin our "family day" until now. H also said he has no PA with OW (they kissed though) He has stayed at her place but only on her couch. He mostly spends the night in his car. I kind of believe this because they text each other all through the night and I don't think they would do that if they were lying next to each other...

I feel more depressed than before the trip. He was texting OW all through the trip (not just in front of us) I know he still cares about me and kids, but so much as about OW I guess.

My GAL update next...

[Anna25]

Thank you so much everyone, for emphasizing the importance of GAL.

I read 25yearsmlc's post in the middle of the night during this trip while H was gone, it really hite me home.
I realized I was trying to "pretend" to GAL, but did not really get over my fear and discomfort.

So here is what I did for the last two days.

*I joined working mom's meetup. I will go to a picnic this weekend with kids for the first meetup.

*I started working out at home. I tried gym's daycare before, but saw really horrible stuff (not certified people just sitting around while kids cried etc) at my local gym, so I quit going.
Anyway, I worked out last night for the first time in a log time and it felt great! It really is a stress reliever. Yeaterday sucked big time since H left, but even for the 30min, I felt better. I ordered some more exercise DVD.

*I signed up for Spanish class for fall semester at local community college.

*I haven't been able to find a cooking class that fits my schedule and budget, so I'm planning to teach myself new dish every weekend from the collection of cooking books I have but not really opened since the kids. I used to love cooking but it became a chore now somehow.

Am I scared and uncomfortable? Yes. I'd rather curl up in my bed and do nothing. But I force myself to do stuff and who knows, maybe I can change.
The lump in my chest and anxiety is there no matter what I do, sometimes it feels so difficult to just exit these days. I sometimes want to sleep and never wake up if there were no kids. But I still have to live for kids, then I should use the time wisely.

Thank you so much again for the encoragement...

[lonelee]

Good job Anna!

I have been getting a little bit of a life too but nothing so far that has stuck. I already volunteer and will continue to but after reading the same post and then yours I realized I am probably pretending a little too.. im going to look into some local classes and see what I can do for myself.

Thank you for the nudge!

[Sotto]

Anna, good job with the GAL. I think the key is you need to extend yourself and get out of your comfort zone somewhat. Sounds like you are making some good plans - and good for you!

WRT your H and all the - oh it's not a PA, but I stay out most nights and sleep in my car - erm no. That sounds like WH BS to me. I would work on the basis that this is likely to be a PA - either it is one already or it will become one.

My H told me that OW stayed over, but he stayed on the couch and he just kissed her on the cheek. And that it became a PA only later. But with the passage of time, I realise that was almost certainly a lie....

Keep on going, and looking after you. You're doing well my friend xx

[Anna25]

Thank you Sotto.

Sometimes I find it extremely difficult to go on.
Just to come here and write/read helps.

I know I have to be patient...

[Sotto]

It is a searingly difficult experience I know. In the early days, I found anything that took my mind off things even for a little while really helped - getting out for a walk, meditating, seeing a friend, doing some cleaning or sorting, counselling, journaling, volunteering. All these things are worth their weight in gold if they can settle you a little and give you some respite.

Things truly do improve - even within a couple of months you start to grow more used to the situation as the initial shock subsides. You are already taking control with your GAL and I think you are showing calmness and maturity in an incredibly tough situation. All of this will serve you really well. One thing I realised recently is that who you are and who you become as a result of this horrible experience is what truly matters. More than restoring your relationship - though we wouldn't be there if we hadn't hoped to do that...

Keep on moving forward - you can do this xx

[Sotto]

Hi Anna, in case this is of interest, I just read an interesting article on infidelity on the Hearts Blessing website. It focuses on midlife affairs - but if you replace any reference to 'midlife spouse' with 'wayward spouse' it is relevant to any affair I think. The article was - extend a choice only the cheater can make.

It's a good read for anyone whose cheating spouse would like to have them just where they left them - whilst keeping the relationship with the affair partner going. I think the ethos very much supports DB advice too.

Hope this helps xx