Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 6,756
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 6,756
Can't wait! grin

Quote:
Fast forward and my life is good now, but nothing magical has happened.


Go back and read my tag line, brilliantly quoted by Einstein. Read it again and again. And then just let it sit.

You're in the middle of the forest, sweet thing. You can't see specific trees on the edge of it. You can't see trees 100 yards in front of you. Trust that you're living the magic.

Not to go all spiritual/religious on you, but you are a wonderful example of God's blessings and an outward plan of the beauty that lies in store for you. Kind of like knowing you're going to share a 5 star meal with people you love in the near future. You're hosting that dinner party, but you have a lot of prep work to do to pull that off, right?

You're in the prep work, and everything is going to plan. You've opened your eyes, you've made positive changes, and you believe that you will have a meaningful, happy life. I won't say you'll get everything you want, but you'll be satisfied and complete - no matter what.

How can that NOT be a miracle, Sunny? You could have gone through life with blinders, accepting a cheating husband because you were too afraid to show the world and yourself what a worthy, desirable human being you are. Apparently, the good Lord wanted you to see how your STBX viewed you, and it didn't even come close to how HE views you or how your family feels about you. And He didn't want you to feel less than because of one flawed man who didn't deserve you and who can never, ever be the spouse you had prayed he would be for you.

He removed you from the death sentence of being married to someone who didn't have your back and who--for whatever reasons--wasn't the man you thought he was. And now you are a role model to everyone around you - a living example of God's grace. And I mean every word of that. You took this challenge standing up, accepting the buffets of insult and injury, and you kept going. God could not have asked any more from you, and you passed this challenge with flying colors.

I think I'm saying this as much as a reminder to myself as to you and all the other posters who will travel this path with us. My 25th wedding anniversary is on the 15th, and this year, my D isn't sitting well with me. Fortunately, I'm going to be very occupied with traveling to watch my D21 play Vball and I'm going to work hard at the self care thing and to shower love on those around me who DO love me and value me in their life. That's all I can do. And that's all you can do.

Hugs to you, Sunny... and to those of you who see her as a role model here too. She is!

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
SunnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Originally Posted By: Underdog
Then it came down to the fact that I just wasn't wanting to embrace my choice-laden life. Yep, it meant dealing with my feelings and that u-haul I was dragging behind me filled with resentment. THAT was holding me back, dear Sunny.
Yesterday, I did not want to embrace my choice-laden life. I wanted to pout like a petulant toddler. Then I went for a run and felt much better.


Originally Posted By: Underdog
WHEN you're committed to self care, the resentment dissipates. Not saying it's not present at some level, but when you're taking care of yourself, those ugly, repressive/oppressive/suppressive thoughts are not allowed to take center stage and ruin your fabulous existence.
The place I've been slacking in self-care, is taking care of my body. I love lifting, I don't love running but I do it. It's easy to come up with excuses not to do it, I have to take my daughter to school/pick her up from school/take other daughter to work/pick her up from work/make dinner/go the PTA meeting/work on my resume/grocery shop/go to an interview/do laundry/take the dog to the vet/clean the kitchen for the sixth time today. Blah Blah Blah. In other words, put everyone else first except me. I'm good at that, I've been doing it for years, and it's my default in stress. I was more stressed out than usual lately because of the legal wheels turning, and instead of ramping up self care I let it slide. You are so perceptive to have picked that up, Bets. I didn't.


Originally Posted By: Underdog
Repeat after me: The world is my oyster, and I have everything that I love in my life right now.
The world is my oyster and I have everything that I love in my life right now. And I do. I would never trade time with my daughters in for neatness. STBX has made the choice to remove himself from the messiness of raising a family, (and I mean messiness in a lot of senses here). He readily admitted that to me, and I think I probably had a look of horror on my face as he did. His loss without a doubt.

Thanks for the forest/trees analogy. I understand it completely, I am in a prep work phase, I suppose I'm just impatient. A large part of that comes from my job anxiety, I am coming very near to using up the severance package I've been carefully dishing out to myself in weekly increments. STBX has already told me not to worry about that, to make sure I'm taking a job because I think its right, not because of financial reasons. But I also see this job as part of my independence from him. I know I'm going to still depend on his income for many years to come, but I don't want to have to be accountable to him for everything I want. So I feel like I need my own source of income soon.

And thanks, too, for your words about the alternate universe in which I was once living. It's hard to imagine now, really. Sometimes when I'm having a down day, I'll think about it, and realize that I could never go back, would never do that again. And I do realize that my life now really is a miracle, isn't it? smile



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Hi Sunny.

Forgive me for glossing over a lot of important things and going for the low hanging fruit, but....

Originally Posted By: SunnyB
I don't love running but I do it.


Same here. I get bored, it hurts and I picked up a few injuries. I made no end of excuses to not go.

Eventually I had to accept that I just don't like running. so I bought a bicycle instead.

Best decision ive made in a long time!

Now I quite happily cycle for an hour or so every couple of days and because its a lot faster I get to see so much more of the area I live in.

Anyway just a thought.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
SunnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
I hear you, Jim. I wanted to amend my post to "I don't love running but I love it after I've run", but that didn't occur to me until after the edit window closed. To tell the truth, the reason I run at all is that I want to do an obstacle course run and there is in fact some running involved, up to half a mile between obstacles. I will never be a marathoner, but I would like to have a semi-decent 5K time. You know, for an old woman. wink

And as an aside, STBX hadn't been on a bicycle in 20 years until he moved out. Then he made a special trip one day to collect his bicycle. Really? Mine's still in the garage collecting dust. I used to ride with the kids when they were little but it's been a couple of years since I was on it. Maybe it's time to dust it off.

Last edited by SunnyB; 09/02/15 06:15 PM.


"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
Originally Posted By: SunnyB
And as an aside, STBX hadn't been on a bicycle in 20 years until he moved out. Then he made a special trip one day to collect his bicycle. Really? Mine's still in the garage collecting dust. I used to ride with the kids when they were little but it's been a couple of years since I was on it. Maybe it's time to dust it off.


OMG my STBX did the same thing! I begged for him to ride bikes with S and me and he bought a bike but we never went. Now he came and picked up his bike because he wants to go riding. huh?


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
SunnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Yeah, Ep, we both have very different lives than when we were M. I get out and paddleboard and snorkel and hike when I can, apparently he bikes. We didn't do any of that together. It's sort of sad, I think I'm a more interesting person now, and if I knew him better I'd probably think he was more interesting. We'd probably like each other if we met for the first time. But alas, the whole back story has ruined it all.

My L sent the collaborative agreement forms in preparation for the first meeting next week. I didn't really realize we did have to make one court appearance, after everything has been agreed upon. At least no one has to get "served".



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
Yeah Sunny I was shocked too that we still have to go to court but my L assured me it will be a 5 min thing. Basically a formality. I wouldn't worry too much about that. Good luck tomorrow!


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
SunnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Yesterday I had a meeting with the MHP. She was...OK. I think she understands my position and my priorities. I was talking to my SIL afterwards and musing what MHP thought after she talked to STBX and got a very different story. Hopefully, she's seen enough other cases to understand our dynamics. We can't be unique.

I found the whole thing draining, even though it wasn't supposed to be hard. It's like picking at a scab. It seems to be healing on the outside, but once you pick at it, you see that it's not really. I feel like that.

STBX and I continue to get along, we sat together at D12's game yesterday and even talked about the MHP and about getting together the financial paperwork. We made an on-the-fly adjustment to child sharing yesterday, we are both being flexible with that. So over all, things are going well.

I have interviewed twice with two different places, I'm hoping to hear from either of them today before the long weekend.

And speaking of the long weekend,I am going away for a couple of days this weekend, looking forward to that. I'm going with five other women, my plan is to just kind of be along for the ride and enjoy whatever comes my way. I am a little nervous about it, I really love alone time and know I won't be getting any at all this weekend, but I also think it will be good for me to take my mind off other things.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
It is stressful to be on the spot about something so important to you, so it is natural for it to be draining. I suspect what people saying it isn't difficult mean is that you don't get the third degree. You still worry about what you say & your tone & your body language, etc. Very tiring. Try not to analyze every detail, as it will only stress you more. That is done. Time to focus on now.

And it sounds like things are going well w/ STBX. I'm so grateful that my W & I are so flexible and work well together on this stuff and keep the kids needs central. Making it less stressful is also one of the ways that allows approaches to be made. Hey, it's not unpleasant to be around S in this most difficult time in our R. Not enough by itself, but it at least offers hope that you can feel your way back into a friendship, and then see how it goes from there.

That the process my DB coach says is the path we are hoping for. Getting comfortable working together cooperatively, and then unconsciously falling into a bit of pleasant small talk, and then hitting on something that was of mutual interest or that was part of what drew you together in the first place. We can't help who we fall in love with. We can fight it. We can have issues that get in the way of allowing ourselves to open up to it, or make it too hard to turn the feelings into healthy loving actions. But having those moments you did w/ STBX are where that might happen. I hope it does for you if you still want it if & when it happens.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Have a good weekend Sunny!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard