Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Ha. Our GAL's flip flopped. I was planning on staying in last night but got a call from a friend I hadn't seen for a while so went and played some pool with him then hung out at his place catching up until 1AM. It felt good to get out of the house...HOWEVER I am not huge on the whole GAL thing. I've always had a life. I've always enjoyed it. I am quite happy with my life and don't feel the need to reinvent it. And if I enjoy staying home on a Friday night and reading then that's what I'll do, I'm not trying to measure up to anyone else's standards on this. Being a hermit is fine by me at times.

So it was a good evening. Only downside is I've been kicking myself all morning for fumbling a breakfast invitation...

Take care SB.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
SunnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Originally Posted By: Zues126
Only downside is I've been kicking myself all morning for fumbling a breakfast invitation...
Indeed. There is nothing better than a lazy Saturday morning.

I'm still in semi-hermit mode. But that's when I tend to cook. I made a big pot of #chocolatechili today, it's one of my favorite recipes and freezes well.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
I have never been a fan of going out until the wee hours of the morning. So if I want to stay in and read and actually have quiet time then I am fine with that too. I never got to do that before either so it is totally on my bucket list for self care.


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
SunnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Yesterday I went to my IC, and I swear someday I'll get through one without tearing up. Sigh...... I lamented how grindingly annoying it is to take care of this big house and my car by myself. And while I feel like I did 85% of it anyway, the remaining 15% is killing me. I don't want to take my car to get the oil changed. I don't want to hang up shelves. I don't want to spread mulch. I'm pitching a little internal temper tantrum over having to do everything myself now, just because he is self centered. While he lives in his "clutter-free, teenager-free" apartment (courtesy of Stacey).

I'm also trying to get paperwork in order for the meeting with the financial expert. Not that much fun.

So.....Sunny has a bad attitude today. I'm going to check the temperature outside and if it's less than 95 I'm going to go for a run. And if it's not, well, there's always ice cream.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Agreed. It is very difficult when everything doubles.

Expenses double with the addition of a new household.
Chores double as there are two lawns to mow, etc.
There are suddenly two alligators to feed.

For me I am now working a full time job that is more challenging than ever, being a sole parent much of the time, and finding myself struggling to take care of the things STBX used to do for me as a SAHM...and since it was a sudden BD I was just flat unprepared for much of it.

As a result all non-emergency pieces in my life have degenerated a bit. I am working little by little to reintegrate the pieces, but it's definitely a process. Just one more to go along with the grieving process and the legal process. (I have an update on my legal process but am too upset to even broach that conversation yet).

Thanks for sharing SB and hang in. I can't believe I still harbor this naive belief about the world but I can't help but think that our pain will be followed by some really good times ahead.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
Originally Posted By: SunnyB
Yesterday I went to my IC, and I swear someday I'll get through one without tearing up. Sigh...... I lamented how grindingly annoying it is to take care of this big house and my car by myself. And while I feel like I did 85% of it anyway, the remaining 15% is killing me. I don't want to take my car to get the oil changed. I don't want to hang up shelves. I don't want to spread mulch. I'm pitching a little internal temper tantrum over having to do everything myself now, just because he is self centered. While he lives in his "clutter-free, teenager-free" apartment (courtesy of Stacey).

I'm also trying to get paperwork in order for the meeting with the financial expert. Not that much fun.

So.....Sunny has a bad attitude today. I'm going to check the temperature outside and if it's less than 95 I'm going to go for a run. And if it's not, well, there's always ice cream.



It's just difficult Sunny, all of it. All of that 15% is also a reminder of the loss. It's an extra kick in the backside to have to do, and then to realize why you have to do it, and then experience them together. And then to do the extra 15% when you're already exhausted from the experience of the situation. It's all compounded.

I still naively believe what Zeus wrote, that some day this will all pass and not only that, we'll all come out for the better. Until then there are going to be days when we have to eat ice cream. For the record I've "quit" eating ice cream over 7 times since BD. At some point I'm just going to give in and admit that ice cream is the replacement I've chosen for love, affection, physical touch, sex, and any other form of comfort that's now missing. In addition to being a pain killer.

Sending you a big hug on your difficult day. I hope you got to go running and then ate the chit out of some ice cream.

Big hug,

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
Hi Sunny. I really get what your saying and dan I just say you amazing You had back up with H that is now gone. As you say you did 85% anyway but having someone to rely on was comforting

You are more than capable but that doesn't make it easier

I just had a chic ice and read your post re ice cream. Great minds and all that !!

Your a fantastic role model for your kids and they will remember your strength forever.

Take care. Rd. xx

Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
Hang in there sunny. And chocolate & bourbon are part of my self-care tool box for times like that. Wish coffee were on the menu, or at least a massage.

Can you hire some help with some of the household chores? Colleges & Universities often have job boards where you can get that kind of help for a reasonable rate.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 6,756
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 6,756
Sunny, darling--

I remember some years ago when I was the one who vented the exact same thing in IC. I wasn't just tearing up - I was sobbing as I recall.

My dear former IC (and I'm not being sarcastic here - he was awesome) pulled in the reins and pointed out some things that forced me to wriggle around in my big girl pants, dry the tears and come down to earth.

Here's how it went down:

1. He reminded me that if my H had died, I'd have had to do all these things with the grieving too; I remembering him holding his finger over his mouth in the "shush" position.

2. He reminded me that I have choices. Yes. I have choices. I could sell the house. I could hire a handyman. I could hire landscapers. I could enlist the help of my oldest daughter. I could come up with my solutions, but he pointed out that I'm not stuck in any situation unless I wanted to be stuck.

Then it came down to the fact that I just wasn't wanting to embrace my choice-laden life. Yep, it meant dealing with my feelings and that u-haul I was dragging behind me filled with resentment. THAT was holding me back, dear Sunny.

Resentment happens when we're expecting others to take care of our needs when we're not willing to step up to the plate to take care of them ourselves.

Wash, rinse, repeat. I didn't make that up, I swear. Smarter people than I have shared that. And it boils down to being 100% committed to self care. WHEN you're committed to self care, the resentment dissipates. Not saying it's not present at some level, but when you're taking care of yourself, those ugly, repressive/oppressive/suppressive thoughts are not allowed to take center stage and ruin your fabulous existence.

If you weren't thinking about this crap, what would you rather be doing?

And yes, I've done this exercise. Verbatim. When I answered that question, my C told me, "What are you waiting for? Go do it!"

Now for the epilogue to the story. I also did an exercise in parallel to my self care amp up. I made a list of things that I had that my ex didn't. So much of it was intangible, but all the things I cherish most in this life. Heading the list? My adorable daughters live with me and we are a package deal. Everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - I have is a blessing from God. From #1 on that list, it was so easy to list 10-20 more of those wonderful things that I have that couldn't ever be overshadowed by my utter disdain for yard work and handyman chores. Or my resentment that he was living a maintenance-free living in his small apartment and drinking himself into oblivion.

Repeat after me: The world is my oyster, and I have everything that I love in my life right now.

Now... doesn't that make his clutter free existence seem like a jail sentence??????

Hugs to you, Sunny-D!

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
SunnyB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Originally Posted By: Zues126
I can't believe I still harbor this naive belief about the world but I can't help but think that our pain will be followed by some really good times ahead.
I think so, too, Zues, but I have to say I felt that more strongly a few months ago. I went through a period where I felt like something wonderful was just around the corner. I had no M, no job, recovering from surgery, etc., and I was very optimistic that something great was about to happen. Fast forward and my life is good now, but nothing magical has happened. I'm not complaining about my life, it's a good life, I'm just saying I don't have that optimism I had a while back. Joel Osteen talks about staying in faith, and that's my challenge.

Originally Posted By: PigPen
Sending you a big hug on your difficult day. I hope you got to go running and then ate the chit out of some ice cream.
I did go for a run, I'm not much of a runner, but I was rather proud of myself an idiot for running in that heat. I did not eat ice cream. I do enjoy ice cream, particularly one brand of salted caramel ice cream. But I traded it in for a different vice yesterday. wink

Originally Posted By: rd500
You are more than capable but that doesn't make it easier
Thanks RD. I've always said just because I can take care of myself doesn't mean I want to.

Originally Posted By: asitis
Can you hire some help with some of the household chores? Colleges & Universities often have job boards where you can get that kind of help for a reasonable rate.
Yes, my IC and I talked about that, too. And I've been considering what to hire out and what to tackle myself. I think I'll start a list.

Bets, you are next, but let me just say that your habit of appealing to my logical side is playing dirty. You'll get me with that every time. smile



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard