As I needed to start a new thread, I figured I'd bring this over for where I am right now. This was last night.
"I'm devastated tonight. I thought a lot about what you said Zues and I've read it before. Tonight for the first time since April, H wanted to talk. He told me that he still wants a D and now that I'm working we should start thinking along those lines. He asked if I still refused to sign the D papers if he got them. I said yes. I told him that I appreciated him telling me how he was feeling and that I still thought we might work on our M.
He said that he can't work our M because he always feels guilty for causing me pain. I apolgized for making him feel that way. He said I didn't, it was just him. That I hadn't done anything wrong and it was all him. I brought up the sex issue and he kept saying that sex had very little to do with it as he knew what he was getting in to before he married me. I told him that I still wanted to own my lack in that area and that I was more than willing to meet an MC to talk over issues.
He got red eyed and said he couldn't and that he's just unhappy and nothing is going to change because it's not me.
I saw that the conversation seemed to be a cheeseless tunnel, so I reiterated that I heard he was still wanting to divorce me and that he doesn't know the next step, but that there needed to be. He said yes and then said don't you sound clinical. I told him if I sounded that way it was because I was trying not to get emotional and that sometimes I misinterpret what he says. By repeating it I hope I get what he's saying.
Now I'm in my room. Crying and devastated again. He also had our S all day and so the reality of significant less time with our son is setting in. I really don't understand God's path for me tonight. And I miss someone holding me while I cry."
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Sotto, maybe you're right. Maybe I do have to let go. I don't know. I'm so confused and drained. I see my IC tomorrow and will talk with her.
I have all along believed that this is a MLC, with some unprocessed stuff from his childhood thrown in. I'll read up on your sitch. Does it change the DB route?
Thanks for supporting me. I will get through this. I will.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Glad to see you're still breathing, E. That's always step 1. You're still here you're still alive. He said the worst thing you could have imagined and you survived.
Keep on going. I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you.
Glad to see you're still breathing, E. That's always step 1. You're still here you're still alive. He said the worst thing you could have imagined and you survived.
You're right! I am still here. I have to stay grounded and take one step at a time. And think of my grateful list.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
I am just catching up on your sitch. I don't know enough history to really comment, but it sounds like you have been at this a long time, maybe letting go will be a relief? Not at first of course, but maybe its time? I am really sorry for your pain.
Thanks for taking the time to catch up, Photoka! It's quite a long journey. I've been focusing on that formula of one month per year, so by that I'm not quite halfway. But maybe I have to let go more to get him back.
I'm just overwhelmed by sadness today still and keep thinking of how a D will make my time with my S even less due to sharing him with my H. I know I have to stay in the present, not to the future, but I can't let go of that today.
Maybe my IC will help.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Wish you a hood IC tonight. I am Trying to get a session myself. I want to discuss the feelings of rejection an how do I cope with those crippling feelings. (Let alone why do i keep diving back in for more and more rejection... You'd think a smart man would see this by now and stop the cycle)
Well, Zephyr, you would think a smart woman would be able to stop herself as well. He [censored] me back in every time. You know I'm dealing with feelings of abandonment and rejection. It's hard you when you know what you should do in your head, but it's completely different what your heart tells you. I have so many times that I'm not detached from my heart/emotions as I should be.
We'll continue to fight the good fight.
E
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
